dealing with gender disappointment in sibling

[megs4413]

So we found out yesterday that we're having a girl. We would have been happy either way. Of course, DD was rooting for girl and DS was rooting for a boy. Obviously we'd explained to them that it was going to be what it was going to be. DS LOVES his big sister and they get along great, but he took the news REALLY hard yesterday. How can I help him with this? Has anyone dealt with something similar? TIA!

ETA: I forgot to say that we let him announce to our family yesterday to help perk him up right away. We also are trying to let him have big input on name (though my DH really doesn't like the suggestion he has sort of settled on for a middle name).

[brittone2]

I'd let him grieve and talk about his concerns. Once the air clears a little maybe have him make a little list with you about all of the fun things he can do with baby sister.

I think DS1 felt that way about DD, but they were quite close playmates and still are even though they fight their share. Now that he's 9 he's getting to be a little too cool for DD ;) but they do still have lots of fun together. DD and DS2 are nearly inseparable at times! They fight but are very, very close! She makes the world turn as far as he's concerned.

[georgiegirl]

My DD was disappointed to learn she was getting another younger brother. She's 7, I was able to explain that we don't get to pick whether its a boy or girl. I also pointed out that she will always be my ONLY girl, so we would have to do lots of special mom-daughter things. And I said maybe her brother wouldn't bother her as much since he'd have someone new (a boy!) to play with. And she'd get her own room (my kids share now) and her brothers would share. She's fine with it, but she still wants a sister. (Not getting one since we are done.)


How old is he? I'd reinforce that it's okay to be disappointed. Then tell him how cool it will be to be the only boy kid in the family.

[megs4413]

My DD was disappointed to learn she was getting another younger brother. She's 7, I was able to explain that we don't get to pick whether its a boy or girl. I also pointed out that she will always be my ONLY girl, so we would have to do lots of special mom-daughter things. And I said maybe her brother wouldn't bother her as much since he'd have someone new (a boy!) to play with. And she'd get her own room (my kids share now) and her brothers would share. She's fine with it, but she still wants a sister. (Not getting one since we are done.)


How old is he? I'd reinforce that it's okay to be disappointed. Then tell him how cool it will be to be the only boy kid in the family.

he's 6! I honestly had no idea he felt this strongly about it.

[sarahsthreads]

Give him a little time, he'll probably come around.

DD1 was SUPER upset that she's getting a little brother. She kept insisting little brothers are so annoying. I pointed out that she thinks her little sister is annoying too, so what's the difference? ;) (Yes, I know that's probably not helping.) I've also pointed out that her uncles are my little brothers, and they're pretty great guys and I had a lot of fun with them growing up. Anyway, she's slowly come to terms with the idea, and I've even caught her being excited about the new baby. I'm so glad we found out early instead of waiting to be surprised because it's given her time for the idea to grow on her!

Sarah :)

[Ceepa]

Focus more on his age and personality as assets more than the gender difference. He's old enough to teach the baby about X,Y,Z; and he's big enough to help pick out books for the baby; and he's funny so he can help cheer up baby when she's crying; and he can remind mom and dad if they forget where they put her favorite teether; big brothers are special to a little sister just as to a little brother.

Also remember that he is giving up his title as baby of the family after six years so be sensitive about his possible feelings of displacement.

[megs4413]

Focus more on his age and personality as assets more than the gender difference. He's old enough to teach the baby about X,Y,Z; and he's big enough to help pick out books for the baby; and he's funny so he can help cheer up baby when she's crying; and he can remind mom and dad if they forget where they put her favorite teether; big brothers are special to a little sister just as to a little brother.

Also remember that he is giving up his title as baby of the family after six years so be sensitive about his possible feelings of displacement.

great advice! thank you! He's been so excited this whole time that I just feel blindsided about this snag!

[hellokitty]

Congrats on finding out it's another girl! I think that the suggestions above are great, esp the pp who mentioned focusing more on his age allowing him to do XYZ, rather than anything gender related at all. I will admit that at the age of 4, I was very upset that I became a big sister for the second time to another little brother. I begged my mom to have another baby, so that I could have a sister, but she was finished having kids. Don't do what my mom did. She decided to defer my hopes to the future. She told me that, "someday" I would have a dd of my own, and she even spent yrs helping me to set aside my favorite clothes for my future dd. I still hold some resentment toward my mom for setting me up for disappointment. 36 yrs later, I have 3 boys, and no girls, and we are finished having babies. I really had believed my mother all of those yrs and had really banked on the idea of having a dd, who would somehow help make up for me not having a sister. I know that rationally as an adult, that doesn't make any sense, but the seed was planted when I was so young, it was just something that I took in and did not question. I love my 3 boys, but I still deal with GD, and my youngest will be 4 yrs old in a couple months. I can't help but wonder if my mom would have approached the situation differently, if I would have a healthier reaction to not having ended up with a dd. So, I am not surprised to hear that your son is upset by the news of no little brother, I totally understand where he's coming from. For sure, don't blow off his feelings. My mom used to do that a lot as well and I know that she got annoyed with me after several yrs and it was obvious that I was still upset that I did not have a sister, and she didn't know how to deal with my feelings. I think it's very thoughtful of you to give it some thought and ask for opinions before reacting to your son's feelings.

[megs4413]

Thanks for sharing that, Hellokitty. I'm sorry that you had a tough ride. I know how fortunate I am to have gotten to experience parenting both genders. ETA: that's not
To say that parenting only one gender is bad. We get what we get.


I think part of why he is reacting so strongly is because he knows there is no possibility of another child. We're all needing to make our peace with that. I think we may offer to let him share a room with baby. Any thoughts on that from everyone? We will have baby in with us most of the time, but we could put a crib up in his room and they could share when the baby gets a little older. Fwiw, he and Dd still sleep in the same room every night despite having their own rooms.

[AnnieW625]

My brother told my parents he was going to move to Alaska to live with his godfather (my dad's best friend) who was a helicopter pilot if my mom had another girl. My brother and sister are 7 yrs. and 3 months apart. They get along fabouslously, and are really close, always kind of have been compared to me and my sister who are 10 yrs. and 2 weeks apart (her due date was my 10th birthday).

Honestly I would just brush it off a bit and tell him that God decided that you were going to have a little sister. I don't think you need to worry too much about it. If you don't have 4 bedrooms in your house tell him that he won't have to share a room. That worked with my brother as well. Once the baby is born find ways for him to help. I remember my brother always wanted to change my sister's diapers, but my mom said no because he was only 7 and barely tall enough to see over the changing table and she didn't want him poking him with pins. She would let him feed her a bottle, and get her blanket and just do little things with her. They became super close when I was in college and not living at home.

[dcmom2b3]

PC has the chance to be a rockstar! My two older half-brothers were wonderful parts of my life. They taught me so many things, both directly and by example. I suppose that they may have been underwhelmed when they found out that their dad's latest wife was having a baby -- and a girl at that. But we enjoyed each other over our lifetimes, and I miss them now that they're gone.

From a baby sister's perspective, I say big brothers ROCK! :jammin:

[abh5e8]

dd cried great big tears...for days when she found out she was getting her 2nd brother. she was almost 4 at the time. we talked a lot about how its ok to feel sad, and to cry sometimes. i think its really important to help kids name their feelings and experience them and not deny or brush them off or try to cover them up. in time, she was less sad and we began to talk about all the fun things she would get to do to help the new baby and to help mommy. by the time baby came, she was very happy and excited.

op, i'd just take it slowly...not push a bunch of decisions on your ds (like naming or sharing a room)...but let him feel what he feels and talk about it. maybe he could ask his older sister what it was like to have a new sibling of the opposite gender?