Great blog post about yelling

[fauve01]

Do you yell more than you like? I used to yell a lot and have been doing much better! it isn't always easy. this is a lovely blog post about parenting and yelling.

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2013/05/22/the-important-thing-about-yelling/

[baymom]

Wow, what a thoughtful and powerful blog entry. Thank you for sharing...I found it very inspiring.

[Still-in-Shock]

That was wonderful. And coincidently, she mentions another blog I read 2 days ago about someone else who worked hard to stop yelling. Here she writes what she learned after a year into the process:
http://theorangerhino.com/10-things-i-learned-when-i-stopped-yelling-at-my-kids/

[infomama]

Inspired. Taking the Orange rhino challenge. Top of the agenda for the next family meeting. Thank you.

[scrooks]

This really hits home! Thank you!

[marymoo86]

I saw this going around FB and it is quite powerful and a good reminder.

[twowhat?]

I wanna send this to DH but I'm afraid he'll just see it as "I do things better than you." Suggestions? If you are a yeller, what can your spouse say that would inspire you to make a change?

eta: I sent it anyway. Waiting for the backlash now, LOL. But he spent the morning yelling and I am sick of it and I hate the thought that the girls would be afraid of coming to him if they're in trouble. I already see some of it...when DD1 spills something she goes absolutely silent:( Kids don't make mistakes for the purpose of pissing off their parents and DH does not seem to get that.

[joonbug]

Thanks for sharing. Hits home here...

[dogmom]

Sorry, mostly I feel like it is yet another message that I need to be the perfect mother, always supporting, never yelling. Not all that helpful.

[joonbug]

Dont see it as that! I can see myself in the author of the article, feel like that balloon popping sometimes and lash out.. Yelling because I asked DD to come brush teeth 5-6 times and she just keeps dawdling, singing, playing with everything on the way to the bathroom. Getting irritated because she takes forever to finish her milk, fighting me to do something I KNOW she cannot do (like tying shoes, buckling herself in etc) and yelling instead to find a better way to cope with the problem. Those are situations that I need to work at, and I can def see a problem here in myself :(

[marymoo86]

Dont see it as that! I can see myself in the author of the article, feel like that balloon popping sometimes and lash out.. Yelling because I asked DD to come brush teeth 5-6 times and she just keeps dawdling, singing, playing with everything on the way to the bathroom. Getting irritated because she takes forever to finish her milk, fighting me to do something I KNOW she cannot do (like tying shoes, buckling herself in etc) and yelling instead to find a better way to cope with the problem. Those are situations that I need to work at, and I can def see a problem here in myself :(

:yeahthat:

I agree. We all lose it at some point but to me the point of the article is that if you are yelling to the point that the kids are scared of you or scared to admit mistakes for fear of being yelled at, then there is a problem.

[twowhat?]

Sigh. DH thinks it's not the yelling that kids are afraid of. I disagree. I'm sure it depends on the kid but growing up I was absolutely afraid of the yelling and it is the reason I shared very little about my life with my parents. For fear of disapproval. Of which yelling is a form of.

[goldenpig]

I am guilty of this too! My trigger is that the two older kids are constantly fighting with each other over toys and pushing and screaming at each other and that makes me snap and yell at them to stop fighting. Especially when I'm distracted with attending to the baby and can't be there to referee. I really need to work on this!

[daisyd]

I wanna send this to DH but I'm afraid he'll just see it as "I do things better than you." Suggestions? If you are a yeller, what can your spouse say that would inspire you to make a change?

eta: I sent it anyway. Waiting for the backlash now, LOL. But he spent the morning yelling and I am sick of it and I hate the thought that the girls would be afraid of coming to him if they're in trouble. I already see some of it...when DD1 spills something she goes absolutely silent:( Kids don't make mistakes for the purpose of pissing off their parents and DH does not seem to get that.

Hugs. I feel your pain and Dc's. I grew up with a yeller (now recovered).

[daisyd]

Thanks OP. I was tearing up reading. I'm gonna share with my real-life mom friends.

[chiisai]

I've struggled with yelling in the last few years. I found that it was very hard to do something other than yelling without really having other tools. What has helped me, and DH, immensely, is "1 2 3 Magic (http://www.123magic.com/)." (I bought ours at Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-ebook/dp/B004GB1G2U/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369508793&sr=8-1&keywords=1+2+3+magic))

We've been using it for a month now and it's becoming a habit, and I am a m a z e d at how it works with both kids. I can honestly say it's changing our lives, or, at the very least, the witching hour (making dinner, etc. time). I will say that we've only really been using it for the 1 2 3 aspect, so, for the "stop" behaviors. I don't necessarily agree with some of the reward parts (second part of the book that deals with "start" behaviors).

I didn't think my 3 year old would get it, but she does and she only ends up at 3 maybe once a day or two, and this is my previous FIRECRACKER 5-times an evening for the last two years meltdown kid.

I'd previously done the "I'm going to count to three" thing now and then (something I recall my parents doing), but usually I would do it once I was already exasperated/frustrated and wound up shouting the 1 2 3, and quickly. And the method employed by 1 2 3 Magic is really different from that.

[momm]

I loved the post. I saw it three days ago and am taking the challence and proud to say its been a good three days :) i honestly feel better at night and dont spend any tiem regretting the exasperated sighs that made my child wilt.

[joonbug]

Thanks! I am going to check the 1 2 3 Magic.

[calv]

powerful indeed, THANK you for sharing!!

[dogmom]

Dont see it as that! I can see myself in the author of the article, feel like that balloon popping sometimes and lash out.. Yelling because I asked DD to come brush teeth 5-6 times and she just keeps dawdling, singing, playing with everything on the way to the bathroom. Getting irritated because she takes forever to finish her milk, fighting me to do something I KNOW she cannot do (like tying shoes, buckling herself in etc) and yelling instead to find a better way to cope with the problem. Those are situations that I need to work at, and I can def see a problem here in myself :(

The issue I have with the article is it all get placed back on us as the mother. (Because it isn't aimed at dads.) So the problem is that if we somehow found the magical combination of rational, soothing interventions my kids would not dawdle brushing their teeth. Getting them in bed late. Making it harder for us to get them up. Cutting into my sleep time when I have to get up at at 4:45 for work? Yes, I get that yelling is often counter productive. And sometime I am cringing at myself while I am yelling. Yes, I am working on that. But maybe the answer isn't for the author to control her yelling. Maybe she should be able to have a career, write, loose it when hours of her work gets lost in the computer and not worrying about shuttling the kids around to multiple activities. Maybe my 6 & 10 year old need to learn how hard their parents work and realize we sacrifice things for them. There is just this assumption of an all consuming responsibility of motherhood in the article that grates on me. And as my kids get older I am getting more convinced that approach is not going to result in the kind of people I want them to be.

[MamaInMarch]

The issue I have with the article is it all get placed back on us as the mother. (Because it isn't aimed at dads.) So the problem is that if we somehow found the magical combination of rational, soothing interventions my kids would not dawdle brushing their teeth. Getting them in bed late. Making it harder for us to get them up. Cutting into my sleep time when I have to get up at at 4:45 for work? Yes, I get that yelling is often counter productive. And sometime I am cringing at myself while I am yelling. Yes, I am working on that. But maybe the answer isn't for the author to control her yelling. Maybe she should be able to have a career, write, loose it when hours of her work gets lost in the computer and not worrying about shuttling the kids around to multiple activities. Maybe my 6 & 10 year old need to learn how hard their parents work and realize we sacrifice things for them. There is just this assumption of an all consuming responsibility of motherhood in the article that grates on me. And as my kids get older I am getting more convinced that approach is not going to result in the kind of people I want them to be.

I understand what you are saying!!! I did read the article and felt it did apply to me. But I also feel some of what you describe. I have difficulty putting it into words, but it seems we treat kids so differently than other societies and our past generations. And it doesn't seem to be to their benefit.

[Nooknookmom]

Sigh. DH thinks it's not the yelling that kids are afraid of. I disagree. I'm sure it depends on the kid but growing up I was absolutely afraid of the yelling and it is the reason I shared very little about my life with my parents. For fear of disapproval. Of which yelling is a form of.

I havent read he blog but, My mom swears she never "yelled" at me. I have a different perspective! Even she sound of someone yelling my name as an adult makes me jump! Maybe she didn't realize she was being so loud? I dunno. It's done now and I try not to do that to my kiddos.

I'm not perfect though and sometimes I slip.

I will stop myself and ask DD I need to break out my "Mommy voice" and she will say no way! Kind of a joke between us.

[dogmom]

I understand what you are saying!!! I did read the article and felt it did apply to me. But I also feel some of what you describe. I have difficulty putting it into words, but it seems we treat kids so differently than other societies and our past generations. And it doesn't seem to be to their benefit.

Yes, that.

My DH has been taking a stance lately that my kids need to learn to do more for himself. By 6 he was getting breakfast for himself, of course he had a single mother in the 70's and they were poor. There are plenty of things about his childhood he doesn't want to repeat with our kids. But he's tired of feeling like a butler/waiter/short order cook. Not to sound like a some old coot, but maybe my kids should learn some respect. Which is not something I thought I would be saying when my son was 3, I was in, "Oh, but they are just kids" camp.

I guess I just want a more helpful suggestion than, take a deep breath and don't yell because you are making your children afraid of you. I'd like a little more realization that we all our human and have our limitations. I also don't want my kids to think just because someone yells at them once they are worthless or if I loose it because I'm tired, in pain, and they just did something I told them not to do for the 15th time that I don't love them. I find my default yelling spikes it often has outside causes. I'm in pain. Or work/home has been particularly stressful. Or one of my kids have been going through a difficult stage and I'm sort of done with it. I just think looking at some route causes might be a good starting place, not just telling me to not yell.

[Minnifer]

Maybe my 6 & 10 year old need to learn how hard their parents work and realize we sacrifice things for them. There is just this assumption of an all consuming responsibility of motherhood in the article that grates on me. And as my kids get older I am getting more convinced that approach is not going to result in the kind of people I want them to be.

Totally agree with this - although I am definitely struggling with yelling, and I hope the orange rhino blog linked helps give me some tools to use, I am also really struggling with how my kids (in particular my eldest) wound up feeling so entitled that listening to me is completely optional. This all makes me think of this article "The family revolves around the parents, not the children" and others like it: http://www.news-sentinel.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20130515/LIVING/305159998/1017/LIVING. I know John Rosemond is controversial and certain things about his views rub me the wrong way, but I may have to look into his stuff a bit more to see if I can glean anything useful from it. I think yelling in my house is certainly a lot about me as a parent but it is also a symptom of other problems.

[megs4413]

This article was making the rounds on my fb friend list last week....and honestly, I didn't get it. I wasn't clear on what behavior of hers she had modified. I don't know. It didn't leave any impression with me at all beyond that she seemed super repressed and overly concerned about things that seemed little to me. I would like to say I'd read it again and see if i can make more sense of it with a second pass through, but i found it obnoxious enough that I don't think i can stomach it a second time.

I don't consider myself a problem yeller, but sometimes my kids get yelled at. Like when one of them is running into the street without looking or when I discover a mess in the kitchen and the perpetrator is upstairs. High-volume necessary situations. I don't know that I "yell" at them just out of anger. i will have to pay attention and see if I do...

ETA: I also feel like children should have a healthy fear of their parents. I don't mean fear of emotional or physical abuse, but fear of disappointing them or violating their trust. Fear of consequences for bad behavior also seems like a reasonable thing. I think all too often nowadays I see parents that are afraid of their kids! Of tantrums and public freak outs. Of "losing them" if they don't get that smartphone they wanted. (this is a direct quote from my mom): of suppressing their individuality by requiring them to conform to standards. I mean, seriously, I have expectations and the kids need to try to live up to them. sometimes they will fail and i will love them and support them through reconciliation and repentance, but they have to be trying and they have to be afraid of who they will be and what will happen if they don't. JMO!