Parenting a child who only ever wants stuff, stuff and more stuff

[wendibird22]

DD1, as I mentioned before is a bit of a pack rat. I've come to realize that her love language is gifts. Despite the fact that a)she has a ton of things and b) doesn't play with or use 99% of it, she is constantly begging for more stuff. She used to be the kid I could take anywhere and NOT have a case of the "I wants" but for the past year or so it's a constant dialogue of I want I want I want. The Christmas presents will barely be opened and she will be making next year's list. The other day at the mall she needed a fleece jacket and I found one on clearance for $12. I joked with her and asked how long until she asked for something else and she replied never. And yet 10 min later she was begging for flip flops or candy or a toy. It's exasperating. Shes also consumed with fairness and that everything between her and her sister has to be fair. Today she accompanied DH to the mall because he needed shoes for a wedding. She was really good so he let her get an ice cream. Well at dinner she didn't eat a good dinner but DD2 did so DD2 got a small dessert but Dd1 didn't and she flipped out that it wasn't fair and yet we pointed out how she had ice cream and her sister didn't.

We've started talking each day about gratitude and I try to use examples of things I'm thankful for that isn't stuff. I'd love nothing more than to sell/donate 90% of the toy room but DD2 really does play with most of it, when the things that were given to DD2 for birthday/Xmas. We've also started giving her a few age appropriate chores to do like clear the table and vacuum the floor.

What else can I do? It really is grating on my nerves more than any other behavior. DH and I can buy a single thing for ourselves that is a need without her immediately commenting that it isn't fair because we didn't get her something too. It is selfish and unappreciative and just not a becoming attribute and I really want to nip it in the bud somehow.

[hillview]

ok sounds like 2 issues. For the "I wants" I'd go with an allowance and not buy her anything other than needs. She can save and learn that way.

WRT the dessert I can see her view point. I might think about how food is used. I do think giving one child dessert but not another child and thinking that an earlier treat makes it fair would seem unfair to a 5 year old.

[squimp]

My DD is older (9) but when she was 4 or so I saw this start to happen. I only bought toys at Christmas and birthdays. I would buy her the things she needed (clothes, shoes) but anything she didn't need, like a toy, or flip flops or whatever, I would say "you may buy that with your own money". She is pretty thrifty with her money, so that made her stop asking. Now, she never asks for anything, almost to the other extreme. She never wants anything and is incredibly smart about saving me money and her thriftiness generally puts me to shame because I am a shopper.

I wonder if giving her a little purse to carry with $$ would allow her to get things when she wanted but then when her money is gone, that's it.

It could be that DD is just the way she is, but I think this strategy helped. She is able to focus on just being in the moment, say when we go to the aquarium or whatever, rather than focusing on what toy we will buy her. The toy is just not an option and makes the joy sweeter when we surprise her with something.

[infomama]

Some good ideas here
www.msue.anr.msu.edu/news/teaching_an_attitude_of_gratitude_to_young_childre n

I think trying focusing on the idea that material items aren't what really make people happy is a good concept to reiterate. The most important things in life aren't things. Perhaps try to simplify her environment and just keep saying, no. I know hearing, "that's not fair" gets annoying but she can change her perspective with your guidance.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Some good ideas here
www.msue.anr.msu.edu/news/teaching_an_attitude_of_gratitude_to_young_childre n

I think trying focusing on the idea that material items aren't what really make people happy is a good concept to reiterate. The most important things in life aren't things. Perhaps try to simplify her environment and just keep saying, no. I know hearing, "that's not fair" gets annoying but she can change her perspective with your guidance.
I can't get the link to work. Is it working for anyone else? I need to read this, as we have the same issue. Plus DD is a hoarder. She tossed out ONE doll when we packed up her room yesterday. I need like 100 things gone from there.

[infomama]

I don't know why it's not working. Here is the article. I'm not a fan of The Giving Tree though (mentioned in the article)



Teaching an attitude of gratitude to young children

Modeling thankfulness can help instill the character trait of gratitude and caring in your child’s life.

Posted on January 10, 2013 by Gail Innis, Michigan State University Extension inShare
“Just say, ‘Thank you.’” How many times do children hear – and parents and caregivers say – that phrase? With the holiday season fresh in our memories, it might be time to make a resolution to teach your young children an “attitude of gratitude” rather than to just respond to your prompts and reminders to say “thank you”.
Gratitude is one piece of the character trait of being caring (http://charactercounts.org/lesson-plans/lesson_planes_sr.php?ethical_value=caring) and is more than the cursory “thank you.” Real thankfulness requires thought, energy and more than just doing the right thing. Thankfulness impacts the giver as well as the receiver. Forcing a child to say “thank you” doesn’t teach the child to think about what they are thankful for and why. Teaching and learning real gratitude takes time and repeated modeling by adults.
Thankfulness begins when we are able to recognize and point out small things that make us thankful. Adults can model the behavior through daily words and actions:


“I’m so thankful for the sunshine that warms me inside and out.”
“Isn’t it nice when grandma watches the baby so you and I have extra time to cuddle together?”
“Dad works so hard. Why don’t we make a special meal to show him how much we appreciate him?”

You teach children how to be grateful when you express your own gratitude openly and model thankfulness through your actions.
There are many simple ways that you can begin to teach your children the “attitude of gratitude.” Try some of these ideas with your children or explore additional ideas from the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation (http://www.randomactsofkindness.org/kindness-ideas):


Discuss a gift that your child received from a family member during the holidays. Talk about what the child liked about the gift. Talk about the gift giver and how nice it is to be remembered and appreciated by someone.
Have your child draw a picture or write a note of thanks to those who gave them a gift. Talk about how it feels to get a note or letter in the mail. Assist your child, depending on their age and developmental stage, in addressing and mailing the note. Putting feelings on paper can make them more real for a child.
Make a thank-you phone call to a long distance grandparent, aunt, uncle, or family friend who sent holiday greetings to your family or child. Encourage your child to talk about what he received and how he will be using his gift.
Involve your children in local charitable events. Stay informed about community endeavors that help those who are less fortunate through local newspapers and radio. Discuss upcoming events in routine family conversation and brainstorm ways that your family could assist. Include your children in a discussion on which charity you’d like to support and why. Even a very young child can assist in choosing a toy for a holiday toy drive for children who less fortunate.
Tell and read stories about generous people and characters. The book “The Giving Tree (http://www.shelsilverstein.com/html/books.asp)” by Shel Silverstein might be a way to open a conversation about the “attitude of gratitude.” In the children’s book “Have You Filled a Bucket Today? (http://www.amazon.com/Have-You-Filled-Bucket-Today/dp/1933916168/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1357664311&sr=1-1&keywords=have+you+filled+a+bucket+today)” author Carol McCloud gives us an easy way to teach our children the power of affirming words and actions.
Take advantage of the long winter days and assist your child with weeding out old toys, books and clothing that they no longer use or want. Talk about how other children might appreciate something that they have outgrown. Explore local thrift stores, pantries or organizations that distribute used items and deliver your donation. Be certain to check ahead for rules on what the group will take for distribution.
Have a Saturday family baking day and prepare small packages of homemade items to share with an elderly neighbor or a service provider (the mail carrier, bus driver or teacher).
Pay attention to people you observe who display generosity and kindness and point out the actions to your child. For example, “Wasn’t it nice of daddy to help grandma with her heavy winter coat?” Or, “Did you see that man pick up the litter that someone threw down in the park?” Say “thank-you” out loud when someone opens a door for you, lets you cut in front of them in the check-out line at the store or brings you your morning cup of coffee.
Take time each day at the family table or at bedtime to mention one thing that you are thankful for.

It is never too early to begin teaching gratitude. In “Winnie the Pooh (http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Tales-Winnie-Pooh/dp/0525457232),” “Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.” Don’t miss an opportunity to model and teach kindness, gratitude and compassion. These are character traits (http://charactered.net/main/traits.asp) that can enhance your child’s overall growth and development and can buffer your child against a culture that often concentrates on “me” first.

[WatchingThemGrow]

thanks for posting it!!!

[MontrealMum]

I did a search on the MSU extension site and maybe this link will work better? http://msue.anr.msu.edu/news/teaching_an_attitude_of_gratitude_to_young_childre n

I think there are extra "www" at the beginning on Infomama's link. In any case, thanks for posting :)

[ahisma]

It's frustrating, for sure! I'm pretty hard nosed on this one - mainly because we have to be. We have a limited budget and a small space.

Here's our approach - somewhat effective for us.

No commercials (Nexflix only, no cable shows, etc) - we ditched cable so this just sort of happened, but it helped a ton.

No malls / stores / etc. Obviously they still go sometimes, but rarely. Mainly just to the grocery store, pharmacy, etc. They go to the mall once a year - if that. If they happen to go to Target or something, they know exactly what we are going for and that's what we get.

Connecting with producers - mainly local farmers, but also soap makers, etc. Getting them to think about how something was made has helped a ton. Now, when they get something they ask who made it - pretty cool really.

Not buying them stuff - they get things when they need it, when I decide they need it. Asking for something rarely works unless it's a true need. If it's not a true need it goes on the birthday or Christmas list. Those lists are limited to 3 items, so they have to be selective. True needs don't have to be dire - DS was frustrated that his rental skates (for lessons) didn't fit as well as he would like, he did get a really nice pair of skates after committing to a 3rd session of lessons.

Saying no - often. Not entertaining the discussion. If they throw a fit in a store, they leave.

Teaching them to help others and working towards really internalizing how lucky they are. This is tough, as we are pretty middle class in a rather upper class neighborhood. When friends go to Paris and they go to the beach an hour away it can be tough to feel lucky - but they're getting there:)

[citymama]

Wendibird, my DD1 has these exact tendencies as well. On point #1, we have a few strategies, but she's still a big "please can I get xyz?" kid:
1) We say "put it on the list" - she has a birthday and Dec holiday list, and she can put big things on that list.
2) We tell her she can save to buy it. She has squirreled away $45 over the last year, and as of a couple weeks ago, gets $2 a week allowance. Her problem is that she spends that $2 almost as soon as she gets it, and we talk to her about saving, but ultimately, that money is hers to learn about spending and saving.
3) We say no, early and often. Early - before we go somewhere, she is already asking about getting something from the museum gift store or Target or wherever. We set expectations early and stick to it. The problem with Target is frequently me - I see something that would be perfect for DD (eg a $1 reading journal in the $1 section) and I find it hard to say no. But my being able to hold the line is essential to her really scaling back expectations. Also: avoid the $1 section unless its for her to spend her own allowance! It's so darn tempting for ME!
4) Try and avoid taking her to tempting places. DD1 has been to a big mall maybe twice in her life. We don't have a TV so advertising is to a minimum, but those darn AG catalogs arrive like clockwork and suck her in!
5) Try and get grandparents and other to scale back on the stuff as well. We find this to be very very difficult.
6) I rarely say no to books. I do say no to junk and unnecessaries all the time.
7) We are complete failures at this - no toy in without a toy going out. We are appallingly bad. The one time I tried to get DD1 to do this, she made a pile of her sister's baby toys. Very funny, kid.

On the second question, I tell them no treats without the other. If you decide to get one a treat, you can't deny them the opportunity for a future treat if the sibling is getting one unless that was a condition of the original treat. Either they both get the treat, or that night both skip treats. It's really hard to be a kid watching your sibling get icecream while you don't.

[magnoliaparadise]

No real advice, but wanted to say that I SO empathize (my DD is 5). The fascinating thing is that like your DD, mine doesn't even really 'need' to play with the toy - it's the getting it that makes her happy and within a very short amount of time, the toy is not so important. It's useful for me to see the issue as a 'language of love' which I think about for adults, but hadn't for my children before.

The one thing that I have become more vigilant about it other people giving her gifts whom I can talk to and ask (sometimes more than ask) not to - an example: my mom bought her a bathing suit which, while TOTALLY sweet, was unnecessary - it was an expensive one in LL Bean (ie not Costco or H&M) and it was February. We had all entered together and I had said no in front of my DD and my mother when my DD asked for it (and then went to get some needed clothes for DD) and my mom bought it before I returned. I was grateful, but frustrated, and my mom and I talked and my mom has agreed not to do that in the future when I say no and to check with me - I felt that it was just encouraging impulse shopping. It's a hard one because 1) I am so grateful that my mom wants to do that kind of stuff and I love that they have little things/gifts that they share; and 2) my DD wears the suit now to swim class a lot and loves it.

Another example is my babysitter is SO lovely in that she buys my DD gifts pretty often, but it feels almost undermining, honestly. Like... I will have a big discussion with DD that she can have a much wanted back pack when she gets 12 stickers on a sticker chart that we will make for cleaning her toys. And then before we make the sticker chart, the babysitter and DDs will take longer to come home than normal and upon arrival home, it will have turned out that the babysitter bought - with her own money no less, so VERY generous - the desired back pack. And honestly, it's a gaudy, badly made, overpriced back pack that wouldn't be the one that I would get for my DD. This happens about once every 2-3 months - with everything: barbies, summer clothes, basically any toy that my DD wants when she walks by a store, or random things like coats even! - and I have tried very hard to stop it, with some success. Actually, I was very firm, but I notice that my babysitter is doing it again very frequently (twice this last week) so we are slipping. I know this is a bizarre problem to have. I am grateful that my babysitter is so adoring to my kid, but I want her to keep her money and I want my kid to know that she can't get everything she wants - particularly if we previously agreed that that item is a prize for good behavior. I didn't take away the back pack, but next time that I have a conversation about a prize for good behavior, I will tell her that she cannot receive the item from anyone until she earns it.

Thank you for the thread. I will be watching this for ideas.

[wimama]

My DS is 7 years old and when he was around 5 he had a case of the “I wants” and was starting to show some pack rat tendencies. This is what we do:

-Presents only on birthdays or holidays – We do not buy books, DVDs, toys except on special occasions like a birthday or holiday. We have been alternating years for birthday parties to get a handle on the number of gifts coming into the house and to control expectations. We limit the number of gifts at Christmas. The kids only receive presents from us, my parents and godparents and those adults don’t go overboard. My parents usually buy off my list for the kids.

-My DS can earn an allowance if he does extra chores beyond his basic daily responsibilities. He can spend this money any way he wishes.

-I showed my DS a about 2 minute pre-screened clip of the show Hoarders. I asked him if he would like to live and play in a house like that. Of course his response was “No!”. I explained to him that was what our house would look like if we kept buying things and we did not throw things out or give them away. I showed him the clip when he was 5 years old and he still remembers it. It was a light bulb moment for him. He finally got why he could not keep every scrap of paper, little trinket treasure and every toy he has every received.

If my DS gets a case of the “I wants” now I just remind him to save for it or put it on his Christmas list. He really seems to be getting it now.

[pinkmomagain]

I really don't have too much advice but this so reminds me of my aunt (in her 60s now). She has a lot of these elements too: sense of entitlement, preoccupied with justice/fairness - mostly in relation to herself, want things just to have them, and hoarding.

If it were me, I think I would make an appointment with a child psychologist and go talk to him/her myself. Just to get an idea of what I could be doing as a parent to try to decrease this mentality.

[vonfirmath]

ok sounds like 2 issues. For the "I wants" I'd go with an allowance and not buy her anything other than needs. She can save and learn that way.

WRT the dessert I can see her view point. I might think about how food is used. I do think giving one child dessert but not another child and thinking that an earlier treat makes it fair would seem unfair to a 5 year old.

It might seem unfair to a 5 year old. But it actually is fair. If she'd eaten a good dinner like her sister had, then she could have dessert as well. Even if the reason she didn't eat a good dinner was she had ice cream earlier -- the fact of the matter is she didn't do A so didn't earn B.

[wendibird22]

Thanks all for the advice. The new mantra at our house is "gratitude, not attitude" and I say it any time DD1 starts in with "I want..." or "Can I have..." and it does seem to at least stop the whining for stuff temporarily. This morning it was her complaint that DD2 had capris to wear to school and she doesn't have any capris and that isn't fair. So I responded let's have gratitude that you aren't going to school today naked. She giggled.

We've also tried discussing how no, things aren't always fair because she and her sister are different people with different likes, different needs, different interests and it wouldn't be fair to treat DD1 like a 3.5yo or to treat DD2 like a 6yo. She gets it but doesn't want to accept this one.

I'm tempted to print out a few "printables" of gratitude sayings to post around her room. She's a new reader so she might get a kick out of it.

DH and I should also discuss chores and an allowance. She does some chores but it isn't a regular requirement. I'm conflicted as to whether the chores should be done w/out an allowance because that is the way a child should contribute to the household and show gratitude for all the things they get...food, clothes, fun times out with family, etc. I'm worried that the monetary attachment would make her "I wants" worse.

It is funny how different 2 kids can be. DD2 gets mostly hand me downs and has far less than DD1 it seems and yet never once complains that older sister has something that she doesn't.

[citymama]

It is funny how different 2 kids can be. DD2 gets mostly hand me downs and has far less than DD1 it seems and yet never once complains that older sister has something that she doesn't.

DD2 is the same way compared to DD1. This confirms my belief that the "wanti-ness" has a lot to do with nurture - DD1 has gotten a lot more stuff over the years, DD2 gets hand me downs or we have now learned to scale back on the stuff, and to get grandparents to do so. I also worry it's a matter of time before the younger ones get the "wants" too.

I like "gratitude not attitude!"

[gummibear]

It sounds to me like the root of it for DD1 is a sibling/compensation thing. I have older sisters and growing up, as the baby of the family, I pretty much got to help myself to their things. Lots of resentment there from my siblings, and as adults, I still see stuff-attachment in a few of my siblings. Growing up, I think my parents should have protected their stuff more (from me) and should have spent more time with them. Here, DD1 might be using stuff to compensate for a loss (in her eyes) to solo parental attention.

How much do you separate the toys in your toy room? DD1 may just need to feel more 'ownership' over her existing things. There's an example in Stephen Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" that comes to mind, about kids & their need to feel possession and ownership before they can feel generosity - we can't freely give away what we don't feel we have. Is DD2 allowed to play with DD1's stuff? I like the allowance idea, but what happens when she buys something herself and is done with it - does it get passed down to DD2 who didn't 'work' for it (in her eyes), or... ? Do you have regular dates/solo time with DD1 where DD2 isn't around?

For hoarding specifically - my experience is different because I only have the one kid. But we do two things. One, I periodically go through all of DS's toys with him - every single item - and I have him separate everything into two piles, "keep" or "throw away" (aka donate). He's starting to catch on and chooses "keep" more often, but its not too bad. Together we sort and organize everything that's left, and sometimes I give him a treat at the end. He likes it mainly for the one-on-one attention I think.

Two, we use a trade-in system when the toys start to pile up and the keep/toss method isn't working that well. Basically, I have DS select old toys to trade in for new toys. The new toys will be mid-year 'just because' stuff we get him, or leftover Christmas and birthday presents (stuff that didn't get opened on Christmas or on his birthday). DS's birthday is in Dec so he gets a ton of stuff around the same time, and since we normally travel to visit family, we don't normally open everything at once. He understands that the old toy is not coming back, and so far he hasn't complained when the new toy is not that interesting.

Good luck finding something that works for you & your family!

[wendibird22]

It sounds to me like the root of it for DD1 is a sibling/compensation thing. I have older sisters and growing up, as the baby of the family, I pretty much got to help myself to their things. Lots of resentment there from my siblings, and as adults, I still see stuff-attachment in a few of my siblings. Growing up, I think my parents should have protected their stuff more (from me) and should have spent more time with them. Here, DD1 might be using stuff to compensate for a loss (in her eyes) to solo parental attention.

That is a possibility. We don't require that either kid share everything but most toys have become joint property only because DD1 doesn't play with her toys and admits that she'd rather do coloring/crafting. She does keep things in her room that are only hers. Her room has an old desk for her to craft at (DD2 doesn't have this) and she has things in her room that DD2 doesn't have, like a bulletin board for displaying her "keep" projects. But DD2 does get a lot of DD1s old clothes, shoes, etc.


There's an example in Stephen Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" that comes to mind, about kids & their need to feel possession and ownership before they can feel generosity - we can't freely give away what we don't feel we have. Is DD2 allowed to play with DD1's stuff? I like the allowance idea, but what happens when she buys something herself and is done with it - does it get passed down to DD2 who didn't 'work' for it (in her eyes), or... ? Do you have regular dates/solo time with DD1 where DD2 isn't around?

That Covey concept is intriguing. Thank you for sharing that. We do try to spend one on one time with the kids. DD1 had Friday off from school so I took the day off from work and we spent the day together. This year she took dance class on Saturdays and DD2 didn't (not old enough yet). DD1 sees that DD2 doesn't get everything she does and yet she choses to focus on the inequity that works against her (like DD2 has a pair of sparkly shoes and DD1 has outgrown hers...that's not fair).

Back in January she came home from K one day telling me that MLK Jr fought for equality and therefore she and her sister have to be treated the same and have the same things. I have a feeling she's going to major in social justice in college.

[bisous]

It's frustrating, for sure! I'm pretty hard nosed on this one - mainly because we have to be. We have a limited budget and a small space.

Here's our approach - somewhat effective for us.

No commercials (Nexflix only, no cable shows, etc) - we ditched cable so this just sort of happened, but it helped a ton.

No malls / stores / etc. Obviously they still go sometimes, but rarely. Mainly just to the grocery store, pharmacy, etc. They go to the mall once a year - if that. If they happen to go to Target or something, they know exactly what we are going for and that's what we get.

Connecting with producers - mainly local farmers, but also soap makers, etc. Getting them to think about how something was made has helped a ton. Now, when they get something they ask who made it - pretty cool really.

Not buying them stuff - they get things when they need it, when I decide they need it. Asking for something rarely works unless it's a true need. If it's not a true need it goes on the birthday or Christmas list. Those lists are limited to 3 items, so they have to be selective. True needs don't have to be dire - DS was frustrated that his rental skates (for lessons) didn't fit as well as he would like, he did get a really nice pair of skates after committing to a 3rd session of lessons.

Saying no - often. Not entertaining the discussion. If they throw a fit in a store, they leave.

Teaching them to help others and working towards really internalizing how lucky they are. This is tough, as we are pretty middle class in a rather upper class neighborhood. When friends go to Paris and they go to the beach an hour away it can be tough to feel lucky - but they're getting there:)

We do very similar things for a very similar reason. I have to say, while born of necessity, I LIKE the way that my kids feel about stuff and am somewhat grateful to HAVE to say no so frequently. I'm not sure that I personally would have the self-discipline to limit my children otherwise, although I'm sure there are many capable parents who manage just fine and have plenty of resources.

[longtallsally05]

My DS is 7 years old and when he was around 5 he had a case of the “I wants” and was starting to show some pack rat tendencies. This is what we do:

-I showed my DS a about 2 minute pre-screened clip of the show Hoarders. I asked him if he would like to live and play in a house like that. Of course his response was “No!”. I explained to him that was what our house would look like if we kept buying things and we did not throw things out or give them away. I showed him the clip when he was 5 years old and he still remembers it. It was a light bulb moment for him. He finally got why he could not keep every scrap of paper, little trinket treasure and every toy he has every received.



Wow, I think I need to do this! DD wants to keep EVERY. SINGLE. SCRAP. OF. PAPER. AND. EVERY. TRINKET. AND. TOY. and it is super frustrating.

Thanks for the idea!