Another tone of voice thread

[twowhat?]

I know we've had a couple of similar discussions in the past...my DH has a condescending tone of voice, at least in my opinion. He is not an enginner (per the last thread on this topic!) At this point I'm actually a little unsure of whether it is truly condescending, or if I am overly sensitive to it. I *do* know that his mom has complained about it before, and he has had a couple of co-workers complain about it before (both female). So, since I've known him I know of 3 instances where people have complained specifically about tone of voice. But that's it.

It is at its worst when he's trying to explain something to me that I don't understand. He 1) raises the volume of his voice, as if I didn't hear him, 2) slows down the speed of his talking such.that.he.enunciates.each.word as if I didn't hear him.

I've called him on it before and of course he doesn't think I'm stupid. We never would've gotten married if he didn't respect me in part for my intelligence. But I just cannot get past this tone of voice issue.

He cannot change. I don't think it's fair to ask him to change - it'd be like asking someone to change their personality or to make their voice sound different. That's just impossible. And he does NOT mean to be condescending in his tone of voice. But I cannot deal with it (as I sit here in the dark with my laptop and a giant box of Kleenex). I hate it. It doesn't help that I am a totally insecure person with self-esteem problems:( And maybe his mom and those co-workers have self-esteem issues too.

Is there anything I can do to get past this? Something I can think of every time he talks like that? Take cold showers? I've given up on talking to him about it. There is nothing he can do to help me get past it, given that he is the source of the problem! He can remind me all he wants that he doesn't think I'm stupid, but it won't change his tone of voice.

And we have a secondary problem that stems from this...since I feel like he thinks I'm dumb when he uses that tone of voice, I feel like I have to prove to him that I'm smarter than him and I'm right. So I get all "I'm always right" and "I do it better" and "This is why I do it better" and "I've done the research". And if he happens to prove me wrong, I cannot stand to admit it. I will just walk away and not talk about it. Which SOOOO doesn't help! At first I wondered whether I really was a "Miss Know-It-All" (which he has called me before, and I guess I don't blame him)...but I'm not like this with my friends. At least I hope not. Or maybe I am. Maybe the bottom line is my insecurities and self-esteem problems. Ugh.

[sweetsue98]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm a believer that the way you deliver a message can change the meaning. Not sure how to deal with it either. My DH gets frustrated easily when I don't understand him or he thinks I don't understand him. Just got done with our discussion....turned from my little question about something silly to I'm as know it all. Not sure where it went wrong.

[BunnyBee]

If other people have complained, I don't think it's just you. I know the tone of voice you mean and I swear, I got ticked off just imagining it. Why wouldn't it be fair to him to work on that? He's pissing off his wife, mother, and co-workers. My husband will use it rarely (usually when he's really tired and has been dealing with the kids), and I just tell him to quit talking to me in his teacher voice (or a-hole voice, depending...). He blinks, apologizes, and uses a normal tone of voice. I am sure he'd rather me call him on it than a co-worker or peer.

[infomama]

I would not stand for that level of disrespect. I'm so sorry but you don't deserve to be spoken to like that. Walk away from him when he does that or stop him mid sentence and tell him to speak to you without the dramatic enunciation or alteration of his voice.

[pinkmomagain]

I look at it from a very different perspective. I think people like this have a hard time articulating/communicating and explaining something in a different way to make themselves understood. So they just repeat what the originally said in a exasperated (condescending) tone...but what they are really saying is "I am not creative enough to explain this in a different way for you to understand."

[specialp]

I look at it from a very different perspective. I think people like this have a hard time articulating/communicating and explaining something in a different way to make themselves understood. So they just repeat what the originally said in a exasperated (condescending) tone...but what they are really saying is "I am not creative enough to explain this in a different way for you to understand."

That very well could be true. Kind of like the old joke when you are speaking to someone who speaks a foreign langue so you slow down, raise your voice, and enunciate as if that will somehow break the language barrier.

However, OP, if it truly is more than that, once the voice starts, tell him that you will not engage/talk anymore until he can find a better way to explain to you. Do not engage any further because (a) it will lead down a bad path (you trying to prove you are right, even when you aren't) (2) you both need to cool off and it will give him time to reframe what he is trying to say; (c) you do not deserve it. I’m not talking about cold shoulder, but backing off and cooling down before you both go to your corners to permanently set up camp. Second, learn to admit when you are wrong and don’t expect him to until you do. Rip it off like a band aid and move past it, but do it nonetheless.

It is not asking him to fundamentally change “who he is,” it’s asking him to work on how he communicates and WE ALL need that from time to time as much as we need to work on our listening. But if the “conversation” goes down a bad path, he will have as hard of a time admitting he has the voice as you do admitting you are wrong. Stop it before it starts, walk away, and come back when you both are better equipped to both speak and listen/

FTR, my Mother is the one who gets the condescending tone, albeit different than your husband’s. It is childish to me, and I treat it like that. I just won’t engage and will back off until she can come and talk to me in a way that is productive and usually I’m better equipped to listen to her because I see she is making an effort. But FWIW, she will never admit she gets a condescending tone and I don't try to get her to anymore. It is enough for me that she stops it as soon as I stop engaging it.

[ShanaMama]

My mother does this tone of voice thing.
I found myself doing the tone of voice thing & *hated* it! I actually asked DH to call me out on it anytime I started. It may be subconsious but that doesnt mean it cant be controlled. I've pretty much gotten rid of it but if I ever catch myself talking talking to my kids like that I stop immediately & take a deep breath.
I don't think it's unreasonable to ask DH to work on it. If you explain it the way you did here in a calm moment when he hasn't just done it he should be able to hear why it bothers you so much. It won't be easy to break the habit, but if he understand why it irks you so much he might be more receptive to being called out when it does occur.

[Reyadawnbringer]

I see this as totally his issue. He needs to work on his communication skills period. Would he talk to his boss this way?

It's not like you are asking him to change something like his height... speech patterns and intonation are absolutely something he can become aware of and change. And for your sake he needs to. If I were you and had to deal with this I would remind him every single time that it is not what he is saying but how he is saying it.

I use to be really bad about this as a teenager and my parents worked really hard to make me aware of my tone when talking.

You absolutely should not have to deal with this and I am sorry that you are, but this is absolutely changeable if he really cares.

[FTMLuc]

I look at it from a very different perspective. I think people like this have a hard time articulating/communicating and explaining something in a different way to make themselves understood. So they just repeat what the originally said in a exasperated (condescending) tone...but what they are really saying is "I am not creative enough to explain this in a different way for you to understand."

This. I am sort of like this and one reason why I have enormous respect for teachers and could never be one. At least with me it's the exasperation that I cannot get my message across because I can't look at it from your perspective. My younger sister called me on it many times when i tried to explain homework to her and is the one who tought me to stop & check myself and try to look at it from a different perspective by explaining her thought process to me & why my explanation did not work for. My DH now does the same thing. So when they go through the steps of their logic vs. mine we can then see where the disconnect is and it a lot easier then to explain or get my point across.

[Gracemom]

That would be really, really hard. Is there an alternative form of communication that works better for the two of you? My DH and I like to text. My DH and I just had a fight about communication yesterday. He was doing the "I want to tell you how right I am about this" thing. So infuriating! I hope you can feel heard soon. :hug:

[wellyes]

I would not stand for that level of disrespect. I'm so sorry but you don't deserve to be spoken to like that. Walk away from him when he does that or stop him mid sentence and tell him to speak to you without the dramatic enunciation or alteration of his voice.
:yeahthat: Even if it's how his mind works in explaining things. If it upsets you this much, you do not have to put up with it.

If he starts using 'the tone', walk away and say that you two can talk about it later, when he's had time to collect his thoughts.

[elbenn]

Every time he uses that tone, tell him he's talking in a teacher voice, and tell him you respond much better when he talks in his normal tone. Maybe you can lighten up the interactions by saying "teacher voice" in a joking manner when he starts to talk this way. Of course, this would only work if he stopped using that tone of voice when you said this.

[twowhat?]

Lots of good ideas here...I might try something like "would you use this tone of voice with <insert name of his best friend>?" or something like that. I completely agree that he doesn't get that he needs to try explaining in a different way and I've totally called him on that before and have ended the conversation with "clearly I don't understand it from the way you are explaining it. Never mind, I don't want to understand it". I know that's snarky but I've done it before out of frustration.


That very well could be true. Kind of like the old joke when you are speaking to someone who speaks a foreign langue so you slow down, raise your voice, and enunciate as if that will somehow break the language barrier.

However, OP, if it truly is more than that, once the voice starts, tell him that you will not engage/talk anymore until he can find a better way to explain to you. Do not engage any further because (a) it will lead down a bad path (you trying to prove you are right, even when you aren't) (2) you both need to cool off and it will give him time to reframe what he is trying to say; (c) you do not deserve it. I’m not talking about cold shoulder, but backing off and cooling down before you both go to your corners to permanently set up camp. Second, learn to admit when you are wrong and don’t expect him to until you do. Rip it off like a band aid and move past it, but do it nonetheless.

It is not asking him to fundamentally change “who he is,” it’s asking him to work on how he communicates and WE ALL need that from time to time as much as we need to work on our listening. But if the “conversation” goes down a bad path, he will have as hard of a time admitting he has the voice as you do admitting you are wrong. Stop it before it starts, walk away, and come back when you both are better equipped to both speak and listen/


Thanks for this and I agree - we both need better communication skills. Now that I think about it, I don't think we've EVER had great ocmmunication skills and now that we have kids, the problem is compounded. I definitely have problems with saying how I feel (came from a family who repressed emotions. all the time.) And he gets annoyed really easily when people don't do EXACTLY as he says...claims it's because "no one listens to me" when from my perspective it's "Well, people don't have to follow your "commands" every minute of every day"...if anything it makes people (including me) NOT want to listen to him even more!

Anyway we went to bed angry and today are just not talking about it, which is fine with me. I don't think I could talk about it yet without getting upset. But next time I will try to speak up when he uses that tone of voice and will try to acknowledge when he has better ideas than me or I am not right. Thanks all!

[gatorsmom]

My DH can be liken that a lot of the time. I finally got tired of it and started interrupting him in the middle of his condescending comments to say, "stop. I am not talking to you until you can communicate in a calm, respectful way.". While usually elicited a, "I'm not being disrespectful" response. And I'd usually say, "I feel you are being insulting to me and I'm not listening you until you take a breath and talk to me like you would a potential client or your boss. I deserve better." Then I walk away and do sometime else. It took him some time and sulking but eventually when he needed something he'd talk nicely. We got to a point where he does that all the time now.

So, your DH can change, if He wants to. :hug: I hated it too.

Eta: one way to stop him from saying," no one ever listens to me" is to repeat back to him what he said. Calmly say, I know what you want, you want xyz because you think abc. Right?". This always clams my DH down. After he says, " well yeah that is exactly what I mean," you say, " and you think abc will bring about efg, right?" " well, I disagree.". By reaassuring him in a calm, casual voice that you have heard him and you understand what he is saying, he'll have less reason to be sarcastic and demeaning.

I cant remember where I learned this technique- maybe a therapist once, but it really helps the argument from escalating. It really works. The hard part is remembering to do it in the heat of an argument.

[dogmom]

Humor is my best coping mechanisms in cases like these, and you have to mean it. Not use it in a snarky, sarcastic way. If you can just speak to him slowly and say, "I-can-hear-year-and understand-you-I-speak-English" in a truly lighthearted way it should snap him out of it. You keep saying that it makes you feel stupid. You need to feel that you aren't stupid and that him treating you like a two year old just makes him look inane. Just like Americans yelling at people who speak another language thinking that will work. Who looks like the idiot in that situation? I would also suggest you do some soul searching to figure out what being stupid is such a trigger. Does he really feel you are not smart? Do you feel insecure after the kids? Before? If you are comfortable in your own skin it will make working on the communication issue easier.

[daisymommy]

I would not stand for that level of disrespect. I'm so sorry but you don't deserve to be spoken to like that. Walk away from him when he does that or stop him mid sentence and tell him to speak to you without the dramatic enunciation or alteration of his voice.

If this were Facebook I would "like" this. Exactly.


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