Need advice re: preK social issue

[edurnemk]

DS came home from school today and told me he had taken (aka sneaked) a couple of toys to school (which he knows he's not supposed to, but that's a whole other issue, he and some other kids have done this repeatedly). He took a couple of Lego people, from his newest set. He said he'd given away one of them to his friend M, and it's his favorite, and Iron Man figure which is his current obession so I asked him why he did that and he said M asked for it. So I asked if he really wanted to give it away and he said no but M said "please, please, please!" and then said he wouldn't be his friend anymore if he didn't give it to him and that he'd tell the other kids to stop being DS's friends. M said he'd give DS a Star Wars Lego figure, but I don't know if he'll actually follow through. Now he's upset because I said I wouldn't buy him another one (he asked) and he wants his Iron man back. I told him to talk to M tomorrow, explain that he made a mistake and can he please have it back. But OTOH I was taught you never ask for a gift back.

How would you handle this? Let it be and be a lesson to him? Talk to M's mom? Offer M to trade it for something else? Other ideas? The thing is, this is not the first instance when I feel a friend is sort of taking advantage of DS, he gives and gives but his friend don't. So exactly where is the line between being generous and being taken advantage of and not standing up for oneself? How do you teach that to a 5 yo?

ETA: do you feel M's behavior is bordering on bullying or is this kind of thing common amongst preschoolers?

[ahisma]

Do you know M's mom? DS2 is almost 5 yo and has given / received stuff with a friend at school somewhat frequently, but it's always been small stuff. If there was anything notable on either side I wouldn't hesitate to contact the other mom - knowing that either one of us would broker a return in a heartbeat. There's really no imbalance of power between the boys though. If that is the situation, I can see how it gets tougher. Still, I think most reasonable moms would have it returned in a heartbeat.

If you don't know the mom or aren't comfortable talking with her, I'd bring it up to the teachers. I think that social skills are really the core guts of what they're learning at this age. With that in mind, I feel that it's 100% appropriate for the teachers to get involved.

If it's not returned, can he earn $$ to buy a replacement on bricklink or something? Maybe that would drive home the "don't give it away" lesson.

ETA: I think the teachers are your best means of sorting out if there is an underlying power imbalance or bullying behavior going on. I know that with DS, it's just kids being kids. BUT - stuff flows in both directions and it's nothing with any real perceived value. I think the most recent item was a "Jesus Loves You" bracelet. (church based preschool). I also know the boys, as a pair, well enough to know that they are precocious as all get out, but are very close and watch out for each other. I think that, for them, the gifts are just that - gifts.

[PZMommy]

I think it is common For some kids at that age. I still have some first graders that do this kind of thing.

I'd mention it to the teacher and see if she can talk to the other mom and get it back. Unless you know the other mom, in which case I would call the mom directly.

[AnnieW625]

:yeahthat: a few of the first grade boys were caught trading Lego characters earlier in the school year. The teacher sent out an email and told the parents to make sure that all Legos stayed at home. I don't think it is bullying at all.

[edurnemk]

I know the mom well enough, I was thinking of emailing her or calling her.

[ahisma]

I know the mom well enough, I was thinking of emailing her or calling her.

I would.

For some context, I talked to DS2's friend's mom when I found out that the boys were punching each other in the crotch as a form of vigilante justice for potty talk. Even knowing that they're good friends, I was pretty darn nervous. It went fine. Great, even. We had a huge laugh and got it straightened out almost overnight. I did let the teachers know (I found out on a field trip and was mortified!) I really think that it was handled better at a parent level though, reinforced by the teachers.

And, if it helps - just be glad that your DS isn't punching his buddy in the crotch!

[PZMommy]

I know the mom well enough, I was thinking of emailing her or calling her.

In that case, I would definately give her a call or email. I'm sure she will be cooperative.

[TwinFoxes]

I agree that talking to the mom is a good idea, if you really want the figurine back. I would still clear of any bullying talk. The kid may not have been especially nice, but I don't think it even comes close to bullying. It was a minor, common occurrence.

I'd be tempted to just let it go though. DS did break the rules. And Lego people aren't expensive, he could easily "earn" one back. But he is only five...maybe tell him this is a one time exception? Or maybe get it back and it goes into timeout for a bit?

[Pennylane]

I would tell DS to ask his friend for it back and if he is not willing to give it to him, then lesson learned! I don't think it is bullying at all, this is very common at school when children bring their toys. We just had the same problem in my DH's class with Pokemon cards. His teacher asked numerous times for kids to leave them at home after parents called her complaining of trades! My DS listened but lots of others didn't. They had their cards taken away until the last day of school.

No way would I call the mom over this.

Ann

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I would tell DS to ask his friend for it back and if he is not willing to give it to him, then lesson learned! I don't think it is bullying at all, this is very common at school when children bring their toys. We just had the same problem in my DH's class with Pokemon cards. His teacher asked numerous times for kids to leave them at home after parents called her complaining of trades! My DS listened but lots of others didn't. They had their cards taken away until the last day of school.

No way would I call the mom over this.

Ann

:yeahthat:

At that age, I would tell him to ask for it back and if he doesn't get it back, then lesson learned and hopefully that will discourage him from bringing more toys to school, and "gifting" things to his friends.

I would probably not call a mom over one Lego figurine, even if she was a friend. If it happened on a playdate i probably would feel differently...but since he sneaked the toys to school I would want him to experience the consequences (at least for a few days) and learn why he shouldn't bring toys to school. And I agree with pp, asking for a toy is nothing remotely close to bullying...it is very common in preschoolers (who still don't really have a good grasp of ownership, etc) which is why almost all preschools forbid kids to bring toys to school.

eta: FTR, my DS is totally the type to be taken advantage of by other kids (shy, doesn't speak up even when he really wants something) so i totally get that angle. i still don't see what the other kid did as bullying though, at that preschool age.

[mmommy]

:yeahthat:

At that age, I would tell him to ask for it back and if he doesn't get it back, then lesson learned and hopefully that will discourage him from bringing more toys to school, and "gifting" things to his friends.

I would probably not call a mom over one Lego figurine, even if she was a friend. If it happened on a playdate i probably would feel differently...but since he sneaked the toys to school I would want him to experience the consequences (at least for a few days) and learn why he shouldn't bring toys to school. And I agree with pp, asking for a toy is nothing remotely close to bullying...it is very common in preschoolers (who still don't really have a good grasp of ownership, etc) which is why almost all preschools forbid kids to bring toys to school.

eta: FTR, my DS is totally the type to be taken advantage of by other kids (shy, doesn't speak up even when he really wants something) so i totally get that angle. i still don't see what the other kid did as bullying though, at that preschool age.

:yeahthat: My DD1 and her more bold friend have gone back and forth with bracelets, etc this whole year. I try to never leave the preschool with the jewelry (its her friend who brings it in) because I know that if DD1 brings it home we'll never find the tiny thing again (if it even makes it the whole way home). The last thing I need is to worry about where someone else's things are in our house! No way would I call/email the mom over this. I'm constantly trying to teach DD1 that these are just "things" and overall not important.

[TxCat]

Agree that it is not bullying and super common. I vividly remember this happening to me in kindergarten except it was with my new prized stickers back when sticker collections were the rage. I agreed to/was pressured into giving some away or making bad trades by "mean girls" on the bus. It sucks but not bullying IMO, and an important lesson in building social skills.

[crl]

I would tell DS to ask his friend for it back and if he is not willing to give it to him, then lesson learned! I don't think it is bullying at all, this is very common at school when children bring their toys. We just had the same problem in my DH's class with Pokemon cards. His teacher asked numerous times for kids to leave them at home after parents called her complaining of trades! My DS listened but lots of others didn't. They had their cards taken away until the last day of school.

No way would I call the mom over this.

Ann

:yeahthat: Ds lost several go gos this way in K. It took two or three times, but he learned to listen to us when we said not to take them to school. I would consider this a learning opportunity and if he care enough he can earn a replacement.

Catherine

[edurnemk]

:yeahthat:

At that age, I would tell him to ask for it back and if he doesn't get it back, then lesson learned and hopefully that will discourage him from bringing more toys to school, and "gifting" things to his friends.

e.

That's what I told him yesterday, to talk to his friend himself. He did and of course M refused. Not only that but M took it apart and gave the torso to another friend, D. I told DS it was M's to give away since he gave it to him, and that I can't do anything now. He cried about it a while ago. I hope this will be the end of toy sneaking to school! I usually check, but Lego people are so tiny they're hard to detect.

I don't think asking for the toy was bullying, I was referring to the "threat": I'll tell everyone to stop being your friend if you don't do X. And I don't really think that is bullying either (but it is a little mean), just wanted to see what others thought. It's led to a couple talks with DS about tolerance, friendship, etc. so at least it's a life lesson for him. But I can totally see him falling for that kind of threat over and over again.

[happymom]

I teach pre-k. I agree with you that the threat was mean but not actual bullying. I wouldn't say that it's typical to threaten that way. In any case I agree with pp's about asking the mom but I also think you should try to empower your child a little by giving him phrases that he can use when he is threatened that way. Maybe try a little role play with him to see if you can help him with this. Stopping to send toys may solve this specific issue, but threats like that come up in many scenarios so it would be good for your DS to have the tools to handle it.

[megs4413]

I'd let this be a lesson to your DS. Honestly, this happens a lot.

[StantonHyde]

I would.

For some context, I talked to DS2's friend's mom when I found out that the boys were punching each other in the crotch as a form of vigilante justice for potty talk.
And, if it helps - just be glad that your DS isn't punching his buddy in the crotch!

:hysterical:

I'm sorry, but that is hysterical and such a boy thing to do!!

[mackmama]

DS came home from school today and told me he had taken (aka sneaked) a couple of toys to school (which he knows he's not supposed to, but that's a whole other issue, he and some other kids have done this repeatedly). He took a couple of Lego people, from his newest set. He said he'd given away one of them to his friend M, and it's his favorite, and Iron Man figure which is his current obession so I asked him why he did that and he said M asked for it. So I asked if he really wanted to give it away and he said no but M said "please, please, please!" and then said he wouldn't be his friend anymore if he didn't give it to him and that he'd tell the other kids to stop being DS's friends. M said he'd give DS a Star Wars Lego figure, but I don't know if he'll actually follow through. Now he's upset because I said I wouldn't buy him another one (he asked) and he wants his Iron man back. I told him to talk to M tomorrow, explain that he made a mistake and can he please have it back. But OTOH I was taught you never ask for a gift back.

How would you handle this? Let it be and be a lesson to him? Talk to M's mom? Offer M to trade it for something else? Other ideas? The thing is, this is not the first instance when I feel a friend is sort of taking advantage of DS, he gives and gives but his friend don't. So exactly where is the line between being generous and being taken advantage of and not standing up for oneself? How do you teach that to a 5 yo?

ETA: do you feel M's behavior is bordering on bullying or is this kind of thing common amongst preschoolers?

I'm curious about people saying this isn't bullying behavior. My DC is younger, so we haven't encountered these things yet. I'd love to understand more... why isn't it bullying when the other child threatened not to be friends with the OP's DC anymore and to encourage others not to be his friend either? Especially the latter part... that seems bullying to me?

[edurnemk]

I teach pre-k. I agree with you that the threat was mean but not actual bullying. I wouldn't say that it's typical to threaten that way. In any case I agree with pp's about asking the mom but I also think you should try to empower your child a little by giving him phrases that he can use when he is threatened that way. Maybe try a little role play with him to see if you can help him with this. Stopping to send toys may solve this specific issue, but threats like that come up in many scenarios so it would be good for your DS to have the tools to handle it.

That's what I did, I gave him some phrases and practiced on the ride to school. But I think we need more practice, today he was told by another frien, that he had to tell R he can't play with them or this friend wiil uninvite DS to his party. So he went and told R he can't play with them :shake:

[edurnemk]

I'm curious about people saying this isn't bullying behavior. My DC is younger, so we haven't encountered these things yet. I'd love to understand more... why isn't it bullying when the other child threatened not to be friends with the OP's DC anymore and to encourage others not to be his friend either? Especially the latter part... that seems bullying to me?

Honestly I think it's because of their age and intent. If this happened in elementary or MS it would absolutely be bullying, especially if it's recurrent. The line between mean behavior and bullying is kind of blurry at times.

[TwinFoxes]

Honestly I think it's because of their age and intent. If this happened in elementary or MS it would absolutely be bullying, especially if it's recurrent. The line between mean behavior and bullying is kind of blurry at times.

:yeahthat: A little girl in my DDs' PS class told DD S she wouldn't be her friend anymore. It's a convoluted story why. Anyway, I told S she did the right thing because she did what the teacher said. S went to her the next morning and said "I'm sorry you are mad, but I needed to do what teacher said". The other little girl clearly didn't even remember the incident. (I saw the exchange) They are still friends. Kids that age don't always know words have meaning. They have noooo filter. And everything is earth shattering.