Update in post 55 - Babysitter WWYD?

[rachelh]

Our sitter has been with us for over 3 years. She watches my DD2 in our home and picks up DD1 from the bus in the late afternoon. My kids adore her and we trust her completely. She told me a couple of months ago that her mother is coming in for a visit from her home country and she will want some days off. She hasn’t seen her mother in close to ten years I believe. Of course I told her we will be accommodating and she should just let me know what days she wants off. She also mentioned a few times bringing DD2 to her house and she would bring her back in the afternoon to pick up DD1 from the bus and stay at my home until I get home from work. I kind of just said “We will figure something out/talk when it gets closer.” DH basically said he is not allowing DD to go to her house. FWIW, the kids have been at her house once for a few hours when we were moving homes and it was totally fine. Sitter is married and has a teenage son, so it would be her, her mother, husband, and son there when DD is there. I have met the son a few times in the past (and the husband briefly) and I have no reservations about them – no red flags. I am more inclined to allow it but DH does not want to. So I told the sitter that DH does not feel comfortable with the idea. Sitter nearly started crying to me and saying “Please, I really need the money and I don’t know if I will ever see my mother again.” I feel like I am stuck and really don’t know what to do. WWYD?

[MamaMolly]

Honestly I'd give her the money as a gift and not send my child there, out of respect for my husband's wishes. Hand her an envelope and tell her to please go enjoy some time with her mama, as a gift to you for taking such good care of your kids.

[rachelh]

Honestly I'd give her the money as a gift and not send my child there, out of respect for my husband's wishes. Hand her an envelope and tell her to please go enjoy some time with her mama, as a gift to you for taking such good care of your kids.

I was thinking about paying her regardless but DH would never go for this. It is not like its a few days - her mother is going to be here a month and I still need to pay for a replacement sitter.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Honestly I'd give her the money as a gift and not send my child there, out of respect for my husband's wishes. Hand her an envelope and tell her to please go enjoy some time with her mama, as a gift to you for taking such good care of your kids.

:yeahthat:

[Cuckoomamma]

I agree with the pps. If you can't swing a month, I'd give her 3 weeks. Having someone you trust with your children is invaluable.

[marymoo86]

What if her mother came over for a part of the time to your house?

[rachelh]

What if her mother came over for a part of the time to your house?


I am under the impression that it would be too hard for her mother to come to us. It is a long bus ride.

[ahisma]

If she's been with you for 3 years, I'd be inclined to let DD go. Is there anything that would make your DH feel more comfortable with it? Maybe visiting her home?

What solution does your DH suggest? Maybe he has a good option in mind.

[poppy]

I would not want my child at her house, esp. with an older son, even if there are no red flags. Even if there was no chance of molestation, I just wouldn't feel comfortable. Or for the sitter to bring an older boy to my home. It just isn't professional and not what you expected, I am thinking.

The most heartbreaking case I've ever heard about was where the mother allowed the babysitter, whom she trusted and considered family, to bring her son to her home (mother's home, not the sitter's) while babysitting her daughter. The mother trusted the babysitter and her son. Turns out the babysitter's son was molesting the younger girl for a year. It just turned my stomach and the mother could not believe it. This is the worst case ever since the molester was still in elementary school himself, older elementary. His computer was filled with pornography sites and lewd pictures.

Not to frighten you, but it can happen. You just never know. I feel for your babysitter's situation and maybe a small gift can be made, but your child comes first. Don't feel bad for that. Maybe you can reassure your babysitter that she has job security with you and she can come back to you when her mother leaves.

[tg_canada]

Can your babysitter take this as her vacation? She'd either get paid vacation or you'd be paying her vacation pay, correct?

[♥ms.pacman♥]

eek, ok i just read your update..i was thinking it would be something like 1 week, not 1 month!! i agree it would be a lot to pay her for that month plus have to pay for a replacement sitter during that time. hmm, that is tough, not sure what i would do.

my DH tends to be the paranoid one too,and i can totally see him saying no in that situation..depending on the age of your DC. he relaxes a bit once the kids are old enough to talk and tell us things. if my kid was older than 3, i'd probably be okay with it.

[rachelh]

eek, ok i just read your update..i was thinking it would be something like 1 week, not 1 month!! i agree it would be a lot to pay her for that month plus have to pay for a replacement sitter during that time. hmm, that is tough, not sure what i would do.

Yeah, I probably should have included that in the first post :)

[rachelh]

Can your babysitter take this as her vacation? She'd either get paid vacation or you'd be paying her vacation pay, correct?

No, she gets paid legal holidays and Jewish holidays (when we don't require her to come to work) and if we take vacation. This is the standard around here.

[rachelh]

eek, ok i just read your update..i was thinking it would be something like 1 week, not 1 month!! i agree it would be a lot to pay her for that month plus have to pay for a replacement sitter during that time. hmm, that is tough, not sure what i would do.

my DH tends to be the paranoid one too,and i can totally see him saying no in that situation..depending on the age of your DC. he relaxes a bit once the kids are old enough to talk and tell us things. if my kid was older than 3, i'd probably be okay with it.

DD is 3. She speaks well but her facts and timeline of things are off. From when DD was a newborn until 3 we had her in a daycare in someone's home. Both had their husbands and sons around regularly.

[hillview]

ok so it sounds like options are:
send DD (DH vetoed this)
pay her and give her time off (DH vetoed this)
have her mother come visit (not an option since it is a long bus ride)

if you'd be dropping DD off could you GET the babysitter and her mom and transport them to your house? could they take a cab and pay for it?

[rachelh]

ok so it sounds like options are:
send DD (DH vetoed this)
pay her and give her time off (DH vetoed this)
have her mother come visit (not an option since it is a long bus ride)

if you'd be dropping DD off could you GET the babysitter and her mom and transport them to your house? could they take a cab and pay for it?

I didn't think of that...hmmmm.

I was thinking more along of the lines if I am crazy for thinking it is okay to drop DD off there and is it worth convincing DH?

[megs4413]

ok so it sounds like options are:
send DD (DH vetoed this)
pay her and give her time off (DH vetoed this)
have her mother come visit (not an option since it is a long bus ride)


this is what I'm confused on...what *can* you do if none of the 'options' are an option?

she needs/wants a month off, but obviously that's not going to work. are you giving her any time off at all while her mother is visiting? was it a few days that you mentioned that she would have off to visit or was it something else? I'm sorry, I'm just not clear on the details.

[rachelh]

this is what I'm confused on...what *can* you do if none of the 'options' are an option?

she needs/wants a month off, but obviously that's not going to work. are you giving her any time off at all while her mother is visiting? was it a few days that you mentioned that she would have off to visit or was it something else? I'm sorry, I'm just not clear on the details.



I was thinking more along of the lines if I am crazy for thinking it is okay to drop DD off there and is it worth convincing DH? (If he can be convinced.) I would pay her for a few days off but I can't swing 4 weeks! I can tell her she needs to come but I want to be accommodating - but within reason!

[Kindra178]

I think it is worth it to try and convince DH to let the baby go to her house. Will her teenage age son even be around when your kids are there? Won't he be gone at school/work/activities? I think a fair compromise would be to give her paid vacation for a week so she could hang with her mom and then watch the kids at her house for the remainder of the mom's stay. I would have very little interest in arranging temporary childcare for that length of time. Frankly, I would worry more about bringing in a temp new sitter than I would ever worry about the teenage son. Maybe I am naive but I don't think of every teenage boy as a potential molester.

If it makes you feel better, how does your sitter talk about her son? Is he a good kid or is he always in trouble?

[BabbyO]

Just my two cents. I'd be inclined to let the kids go to her house...but this is coming from someone who's children have always been cared for in other people's homes.

Since it sounds like your DH is vetoing this I would ask what he proposes is a better option, given that you may risk losing your child care? When I do this with DH sometimes he sees a bit more clearly.

In my mind some other options may include:
1. Having the sitter watch the kids part time - 1/2 days or 2-3 days/week. I find this a bit of a pain because then you have to manage 2 daycare scenarios, but it works for some people.
2. Give the sitter the time off, and offer to pay her 1/2 or 1/4 of her pay for that time as a "bonus" and to keep her on after her mom leaves.

[alootikki]

I'm kind of with your DH, I would not feel comfortable with DD being over there for a month either. I liked a PP's suggestion of helping to paying for a taxi to bring her mom to your place. How far is it?

[rachelh]

I think it is worth it to try and convince DH to let the baby go to her house. Will her teenage age son even be around when your kids are there? Won't he be gone at school/work/activities? I think a fair compromise would be to give her paid vacation for a week so she could hang with her mom and then watch the kids at her house for the remainder of the mom's stay. I would have very little interest in arranging temporary childcare for that length of time. Frankly, I would worry more about bringing in a temp new sitter than I would ever worry about the teenage son. Maybe I am naive but I don't think of every teenage boy as a potential molester.

If it makes you feel better, how does your sitter talk about her son? Is he a good kid or is he always in trouble?

Temp help is not a issue. My backup is my friends sitter. The sitters/kids spend a lot of time together so they are all very comfortable with eachother and we would just "share" her for the month. Which is part of the problem because DH knows we can just use her.

My impression of sitters son is a good one. He's a mama's boy, talkative but soft-spoken and very polite. Not your typical teenage boy.

[rachelh]

Just my two cents. I'd be inclined to let the kids go to her house...but this is coming from someone who's children have always been cared for in other people's homes.

Since it sounds like your DH is vetoing this I would ask what he proposes is a better option, given that you may risk losing your child care? When I do this with DH sometimes he sees a bit more clearly.

In my mind some other options may include:
1. Having the sitter watch the kids part time - 1/2 days or 2-3 days/week. I find this a bit of a pain because then you have to manage 2 daycare scenarios, but it works for some people.
2. Give the sitter the time off, and offer to pay her 1/2 or 1/4 of her pay for that time as a "bonus" and to keep her on after her mom leaves.

I am actually suprised by the responses. I thought more people would say "no way' to allowing DD to go to her house.

[ahisma]

Temp help is not a issue. My backup is my friends sitter. The sitters/kids spend a lot of time together so they are all very comfortable with eachother and we would just "share" her for the month. Which is part of the problem because DH knows we can just use her.

My impression of sitters son is a good one. He's a mama's boy, talkative but soft-spoken and very polite. Not your typical teenage boy.

But, she needs the money. That's not necessarily your problem, but it's a reasonable assumption that she'll do what is necessary to earn money while her mom is here - which could include watching children out of her home. In that situation, you may be out a permanent sitter once her mom is gone.

How many hours/ week does she work for you?

[bisous]

Just asking, does she have to spend the WHOLE MONTH with the mom? Can she take off a week or two and then see her mom on the evenings and weekends? Or can you figure out a way for her mom to come with? I just think there are SO few jobs that really permit an entire month off so I'm not sure how she figured that would work out?

I would not be comfortable allowing my child in someone else's home--it is just outside my comfort area and I'm with your DH, sorry!

I feel for your babysitter and would want to make her happy but I don't think requesting a month off (with pay) to be a workable option, and you (or your DH) is clearly uncomfortable with the babysitter's solution. Am I being a total scrooge to suggest that she take only part of that time off and work with your needs for the rest of the month?

[rachelh]

But, she needs the money. That's not necessarily your problem, but it's a reasonable assumption that she'll do what is necessary to earn money while her mom is here - which could include watching children out of her home. In that situation, you may be out a permanent sitter once her mom is gone.

How many hours/ week does she work for you?

42 hours

Argh! This is so aggravating!

[solsister]

I would not let my child go to the house with the unknowns, for a month, when she is such a young age. I think that the reason to have an in-house babysitter, is to avoid the things that could happen in someone else's home. You hired her to work at your home, watching your child. Her time will be divided while being in her own home. Between visiting with her mom, parenting her teen, keeping her own home clean, and cooking, etc. I would not pay for that.

If she had a job in an office, she would be working every day, and spending the evenings and weekends with her family, just like everyone else does. I understand that you want to accommodate her, and she wants to be accommodated, but it's just not what you signed up for, and it's really not the in the best interest of your child or your family. I'd stand firm. She can come in and work, and maybe have her work 3 out of 5 days a week. She would still have 4 full days a week with her mom, and still get partial pay. It's not your responsibility that she has money. It's hers. We all have to make sacrifices due to employment, unfortunately.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think it is worth it to try and convince DH to let the baby go to her house. Will her teenage age son even be around when your kids are there? Won't he be gone at school/work/activities? I think a fair compromise would be to give her paid vacation for a week so she could hang with her mom and then watch the kids at her house for the remainder of the mom's stay. I would have very little interest in arranging temporary childcare for that length of time. Frankly, I would worry more about bringing in a temp new sitter than I would ever worry about the teenage son. Maybe I am naive but I don't think of every teenage boy as a potential molester.

If it makes you feel better, how does your sitter talk about her son? Is he a good kid or is he always in trouble?

:yeahthat: the teenage son...doesn't bother me. I would convince dh.

[daisysmom]

I would not let my child go to the house with the unknowns, for a month, when she is such a young age. I think that the reason to have an in-house babysitter, is to avoid the things that could happen in someone else's home. You hired her to work at your home, watching your child. Her time will be divided while being in her own home. Between visiting with her mom, parenting her teen, keeping her own home clean, and cooking, etc. I would not pay for that..

These are my reasons - I am not focused on whether or not the nanny's son could be a molester.

Our second nanny (from when my DD was 9 months old to 3.5 years old) really took advantage our willingness to let her bring our DD to her house (where she lived with her mom and dad, a few sisters and their husbands, and one of them had a boy the same age as my DD). She stopped asking us if she could bring our DD, and they just headed over there every day. While they were there, my DD was happy as a lark b/c the little boy became a fun playmate. But I was paying our nanny to focus on our DD, and this was not happening. Nanny's mother was smoking there (they claimed then it was not inside the house, but I know now that it was). The girls made big dinners and baked cakes for church functions. My dd was well cared for and loved by this family, no doubt in my mind, but I was paying the nanny $15 an hour to basically be able to do lots of other stuff that was unrelated to me while my DD was there. We just felt totally taken advantage of in the end. Several times my friends saw the nanny and my DD out grocery shopping and commented to me how nice it was that the nanny was doing our huge grocery shopping trips -- thought she wasn't! Those were the trips for her and her big family, with my DD in tow. And my grocery shopping was done, instead, by me at 9 pm on Friday nights.

So that's why I wouldn't do it. You wouldn't sign her up for a daycare center for a month without touring it and making sure it was all safe, vetting evey questions, etc.

I know this sounds mean, but frankly, you are paying her to take care of your children... not to visit with her mother.

[mmommy]

A month off is expecting too much. And taking your DD to her place is too much of a slippery slope. Once this is allowed this time, there's no reason why you shouldn't allow it for all of the other times it is more convenient for her (waiting for the cable guy, etc) In her home, her attention is split too much.
That isn't what you pay her for.

I don't see why she hasn't asked for a week off and then figured out how to spend time with her mother during her off hours. Lots of people have relatives come stay with them for a month and they don't stay home with them the entire month.

[BunnyBee]

Did you know it was going to be for a month when you told her you'd work something out? Expecting that for a month is crazy, but if you knew and consented by not saying something when she brought it up, you're kind of stuck.

3/2 split? 3 days business as usual, 2 days your kids are at the friend's sitter? When are you going on vacation? She should've planned her visit to overlap, but not much to do about it now.

[BabyBearsMom]

I would be okay with her taking my DD to her house, but I also send DD2 to an in-home daycare which is essentially the same thing.

[rachelh]

Did you know it was going to be for a month when you told her you'd work something out? Expecting that for a month is crazy, but if you knew and consented by not saying something when she brought it up, you're kind of stuck.

3/2 split? 3 days business as usual, 2 days your kids are at the friend's sitter? When are you going on vacation? She should've planned her visit to overlap, but not much to do about it now.

I didn't consent to anything. She had no specfic requests when she mentioned it to me a few months ago aside from wanting some days off.

We planned a short vacation around the her mother's visit which a whole different issue as DH doesn't think we should pay her and sitter is expecting to get paid because we are going away. But that's a whole different issue.

[AngB]

A month off is expecting too much. And taking your DD to her place is too much of a slippery slope. Once this is allowed this time, there's no reason why you shouldn't allow it for all of the other times it is more convenient for her (waiting for the cable guy, etc) In her home, her attention is split too much.
That isn't what you pay her for.

I don't see why she hasn't asked for a week off and then figured out how to spend time with her mother during her off hours. Lots of people have relatives come stay with them for a month and they don't stay home with them the entire month.

:yeahthat:

I would offer her a week off paid, and then she needs to work. She can bring her mom with her if she wants. (Not your problem how it's arranged.) I think that's reasonable and fair to both of you, but I would be prepared to possibly have to find a new childcare situation if she balks.

[BunnyBee]

I didn't consent to anything. She had no specfic requests when she mentioned it to me a few months ago aside from wanting some days off.

We planned a short vacation around the her mother's visit which a whole different issue as DH doesn't think we should pay her and sitter is expecting to get paid because we are going away. But that's a whole different issue.

I would pay her while you're away and offer the 3/2 split. I don't know that I'd be comfortable with taking my child to her house daily. It's inconvenient, and you pay her more for her to come to you than you would at an in-home daycare. Plus I doubt her home is set up for a 3 year old if she's got a teenager. It'd be different if she did have an in-home daycare because she would have a safe area, toys, games, and liability insurance, etc. Is she really just going to be sitting around her house all day? Would she be taking DD places? Food? Just too many variables for me personally.

[niccig]

I wouldn't agree to it. Now your DD is being schlepped across town, and isn't at home in her routine - which is why you have someone come to your house. A month is too long.

I would try to work out time off for her - if it coincides with your vacation great. Or have her work 3 or 4 days a week and use back-up sitter the other time.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I don't see why she hasn't asked for a week off and then figured out how to spend time with her mother during her off hours. Lots of people have relatives come stay with them for a month and they don't stay home with them the entire month.


:yeahthat: thinking about it more, i have to agree with this and what bisous said. I'd be okay giving her a week paid vacation (maybe two if i was feeling super-generous) so she can spend time with her mom, but an entire month where your DD is schlepped to her house just so she can spend more time with her..that's asking too much, IMO. I seriously don't know any job where you can just take a month off or even work from home, just because a relative visits.

Maybe you said something to this already, but is there any reason why, for the 2-3 weeks, she is sitting for you the mom can't just stay at home by herself and/or with the teenage son?n Like bisous said, there's no reason she has to spend every waking hour with her mom...i find it odd that she expects you to be ok with bringing your dd to her house.

[crl]

:yeahthat:

I would offer her a week off paid, and then she needs to work. She can bring her mom with her if she wants. (Not your problem how it's arranged.) I think that's reasonable and fair to both of you, but I would be prepared to possibly have to find a new childcare situation if she balks.

I agree with this. When I worked and my parents visited, I either took vacation or went to work. Same as dh does now. Allowing her mom to come with her is actually a lot more flexibility than most jobs would allow. I understand she wants to spend time with her mom, but IMO she still needs to come to work if she wants to get paid. I wouldn't be okay with the sitter's house either because I wouldn't want my child's routine disrupted like that.

Catherine

[Philly Mom]

I would probably pay her for the week that you are away, and possibly pay her for an additional week off. I want happy people taking care of my kids and don't want them to take disappointment out on my kids, so I would be flexible to that extent. Otherwise, I would want her at my house per normal.

[sntm]

:yeahthat:

I would offer her a week off paid, and then she needs to work. She can bring her mom with her if she wants. (Not your problem how it's arranged.) I think that's reasonable and fair to both of you, but I would be prepared to possibly have to find a new childcare situation if she balks.

Agree with this.

[daisymommy]

If the teenage son will be at school' then I would vote pay her for 2 weeks off as a gift, so she can have one on one time uninterrupted by small children with her mother. If it were me thinking I may never see my mom again, I would need that more than all the money in the world!
Then do the last two weeks of my DD at the sitters house.




Sent from my iPad

[wellyes]

Is she a babysitter or a nanny?

It sounds like she works for you basically full time, and has for 3 years. I would trust her to have my child in her home, personally, after the enormous trust you've placed in here already. How strong is your DH's veto here? (I mean, how strongly does he feel about it?)

I like the idea of giving her paid time off while you go on vacation, to lessen the amount of time your DD deals with the different circumstance, and to give her time with her mom.

[hillview]

unless there is a medical or end of life reason why she HAS to be with her mom I don't see why it is an issue for her to either take her mom to work (your house) which is super accomodating of you to allow OR see her in off hours. I wouldn't say ok. It is ackward for sure but it sets a bad prescident, it seems like something that your DH is not comfortable with (honestly I might not be -- I'd need to know the exact specifics but I've had nannies -- 2 of them and LOVED them both but neither would I allow to have my child at that age at their house with other adults/children around) this is why I have a nanny to accomodate me :)

I have employeed (not people who watch my kids, people at the office) and they have parents come visit. I give them vacation time and will often let them leave work early or come in late as needed but NOT a month off. I also wouldn't let them bring their mom to work :)

[gatorsmom]

:yeahthat:

I would offer her a week off paid, and then she needs to work. She can bring her mom with her if she wants. (Not your problem how it's arranged.) I think that's reasonable and fair to both of you, but I would be prepared to possibly have to find a new childcare situation if she balks.


:yeahthat: I agree with this. Since you like her, though, I'd offer to pay for a cab for her mom to come too. I might offer to pay for a cab for her mom for a week or 2. But I wouldn't send my dd to the babysitters house for a few reasons-1) the older brother unknown, 2)her house isn't likely to be babyproofed or as safe as yours, 3) I wouldn't want her dragging my daughter across town on a bus, 4) I wouldn't want my DD's schedule disrupted.

[firstbaby]

Do you feel like your nanny has taken advantage in any other situation? If not, I would do whatever I could to work with her. I would ask DH what he suggested since he's been quick to veto, but not offer solutions. 3 years is a great run with a nanny and it sounds like you are genuinely fond of her and she has taken great care of your girls. Honestly, I would probably do whatever I could to work with her since this visit with her mom is so important to her.

We used to have a live in au pair when I worked FT. Our favorite au pair's mom came and stayed with us for three weeks. Granted, our kids were still cared for in our home, but we worried it would be a long month. Honestly, it was a wonderful experience for all of us, and it was special to see how fond her mom grew of our kids.

I would probably pay her for at least one week off, and do whatever I could to make it work for DD to go to her for the other three weeks. I get that it doesn't work that way in "business" but that is part of the beauty of having a nanny...if you are running late from work, need her to come early to make a meeting, etc you have a relationship with her to have flexibility.

[Momit]

I would probably pay her for the week that you are away, and possibly pay her for an additional week off. I want happy people taking care of my kids and don't want them to take disappointment out on my kids, so I would be flexible to that extent. Otherwise, I would want her at my house per normal.

:yeahthat:

While a good childcare provider is worth his/her weight in gold, I would expect the nanny to be at my house for the 2 weeks she's not off while mom is in town. If mom wants to come along and take the bus a few times that would be ok.

[jjjo1112]

This is someone that has watched your child full-time for 3 years and you have been happy with? I would be as accomodating as possible. It is so hard to find someone good to watch your child and after 3 years, I would think she should have earned your trust. I would give her 1 or 2 weeks off with pay to enjoy with her mom and then I would either let DD go there for the other time or offer to pick them both up and have them stay at your house. It sounds like her mom doesn't visit very often? and maybe a visit like this isn't a sure thing to happen in the future.

[blisstwins]

If she is a great nanny and you want to keep her and preserve your relationship I think you have to be sensitive to her situation. Everything others have said is true, but she is only human and if she has not seen her mother for 10 years and might not see her mother again I would do what I could to accommodate. I would give her one week paid as a freebie, I would ask that she take one week of her vacation, and I would then facilitate her mom coming to work with her if that meant a taxi or paying for a cab. I don't know your financial situation, but if you can be generous and this is not someone who takes advantage then be good here. She is in a terrible situation. She might not understand your being leery of sending your daughter to her home--the perfect solution in her mind--and there is great potential for hurt feelings and changed relationships here. SOrry it is hard. Good luck.

[Kindra178]

I just wanted to add something to this discussion. Having employed nannies for about seven years, I want to echo Philly Mom's points about a happy nanny. No matter how well crafted the nanny contract is, or how your nanny signed it and understands the terms, there is just something different about the relationship between nanny and employer that does not mirror a similar employee/employer relationship in the corporate world.

[westwoodmom04]

If she is a great nanny and you want to keep her and preserve your relationship I think you have to be sensitive to her situation. Everything others have said is true, but she is only human and if she has not seen her mother for 10 years and might not see her mother again I would do what I could to accommodate. I would give her one week paid as a freebie, I would ask that she take one week of her vacation, and I would then facilitate her mom coming to work with her if that meant a taxi or paying for a cab. I don't know your financial situation, but if you can be generous and this is not someone who takes advantage then be good here. She is in a terrible situation. She might not understand your being leery of sending your daughter to her home--the perfect solution in her mind--and there is great potential for hurt feelings and changed relationships here. SOrry it is hard. Good luck.

Yes, this. My last nanny wound up leaving the job before us because the family was not at all accommodating when family she had not seen for 10 years visited from her home country. Also agree with Kindra that the nanny aspect always has a personal aspect to it even though it is a primarily business relationship. Your dh may not be entirely attune to this, nor realize how difficult a good nanny is to replace.

[Cam&Clay]

I would have no problem with sending her to the sitter's house for at least part of the month. How is that different from an in-home daycare?

[crl]

I would have no problem with sending her to the sitter's house for at least part of the month. How is that different from an in-home daycare?

Well, an in-home daycare should be licensed and subject to inspections. Also many in home day cares have more than one unrelated caregiver present at a time. And if there are relatives (ie teenage boy) present I believe they would have to have been background checked?

And, of course, the OPer chose not to use an in-home daycare and is undoubtedly paying more for that choice. (Not knocking in-home daycare, I used one for dd and was quite happy with it.).

I do see the point people are making that a nanny isn't the same as an employee in a more corporate setting. But I think offering to arrange paid vacation and offering to have the mom come along does take that into account. And I also think that is a two-way street where a nanny shouldn't ask to change the arrangements on relatively short notice. However, I admit that I have never had a nanny and I don't fully grasp the idea that a nanny is part of the family but one who gets paid to be part of the family so I may just be missing the crucial understanding of how this relationship works.

Catherine

[pinkmomagain]

I would have no problem with sending her to the sitter's house for at least part of the month. How is that different from an in-home daycare?

The difference is, you have no idea of safety issues in the nanny's home as you would if you vetted out an in-home daycare and no knowledge of who is coming in and out of the home. Plus, it is disrupting the child's routine.

My dh is also the more cautious and to be honest, most of the time, I go along if he strongly objects. He is a parent too. And god forbid something happened, I wouldn't want to live with a lifetime of "I told you so" from him.

If I were in the OP's shoes, I would try to make it work where you try to make it as easy as possible for the mother to come to your house (ie. pay for a cab)...at least for some of the time.

[TxCat]

Yes, this. My last nanny wound up leaving the job before us because the family was not at all accommodating when family she had not seen for 10 years visited from her home country. Also agree with Kindra that the nanny aspect always has a personal aspect to it even though it is a primarily business relationship. Your dh may not be entirely attune to this, nor realize how difficult a good nanny is to replace.

I'll admit I'm not 100% sure I'm following all of the details correctly, but it seems to me like the OP is being incredibly accommodating by agreeing to give the sitter/nanny a month off and find a replacement sitter for those weeks! That's far more accommodating that most jobs I can imagine, in any setting.

Personally, I agree with the OP's DH - I trust my nanny completely, but I won't let her take my DD to her house for all the various reasons that people have brought up in this thread - I've never seen the house, the house is likely not childproofed for a toddler, I don't have any knowledge specifically about possible visitors that might be coming in and out of the house, the nanny's attention may be diverted by dealing with things in her house/her own children/her friends coming over, etc. Essentially, too many possible unknowns for me to be comfortable with.

If it was my situation, here is how I would deal with it:

1) Pay the nanny for the week that you are on vacation - it sounds like the OP and her DH already were planning to do this/historically do this, so it would be in line with the expectations that are already established.

2) Pay the nanny for an additional week off of work as a "good faith" measure - you value her as an employee, and want her to enjoy her time with her mother and to stress less about finances.

3) Allow the nanny to take an additional 2 weeks unpaid leave, OR she can instead work those remaining two weeks and bring her mother to work if she wants. Sending DD to the nanny's house would not be an option for me under any circumstance.

I think giving 4 weeks off, and 2 weeks of that paid, is extremely fair, generous, and accommodating. Honestly, I think the sitter would be incredibly hard-pressed to find any job that would be that accommodating in any field.

[rachelh]

Thank you for all the replies and advice! It seems that some would have no issue allowing their child to go to the sitter's home while some would never allow it. I wanted to make sure I was not totally crazy for even thinking to accommodate her. Also, even though DD2 will be in preschool next year, I want to try and keep the sitter part time so I want to continue to have a positive relationship with her.

Some have pointed out that if the sitter is in her own home, she will not be as focused on DD, and I am paying her more so she can be in my home. This is a good point, but I really trust that the sitter will still give DD as much attention as she gets at home. I think this is a personality thing - I see many sitters at the park chatting away on their phones, sitting on the benches with their friends and not really paying attention to the kids. My sitter is almost always standing right next to the play equipment where DD is and even on it with her. She will sit on the floor and play with her in the house. Some of my friends sitters will never do this. It is also temporary. If this came up as a long term thing (and I actually agreed to it) there is no question that we would have to negotiate on a new salary.

So, I spoke to DH last night who agreed to allow DD to go over there twice a week while sitter's mother is visiting. We will also be paying her when we go away, and I told sitter that if she wants any additional days off just to let me know and we will work it out. This arrangement is beginning next week when DH will be out of town which is probably better so he won't be as focused on it and nervous.

Hoping this all works out!

[tabegle]

Good luck! I'm glad your husband got on board with it. Its seems you have a good relationship with your babysitter!

[crl]

I am glad you were able to find a compromise with your dh!

Catherine

[wellyes]

So, I spoke to DH last night who agreed to allow DD to go over there twice a week while sitter's mother is visiting. We will also be paying her when we go away, and I told sitter that if she wants any additional days off just to let me know and we will work it out. This arrangement is beginning next week when DH will be out of town which is probably better so he won't be as focused on it and nervous.

Great compromise! I hope she has a good visit with her mum, and your DD enjoys the change of pace.

[westwoodmom04]

Glad to hear that you found a good compromise. Our nanny's mom use to visit every few months (she lived in this country) and nanny would bring her to work. She was a nanny herself, and my kids loved when she would visit.