If you don't want a 2yo in your house...

[anonomom]

Then STOP inviting him over!

I am at the end of a family visit and at the end of my rope. My ILs (all of DH's sibs and their families) have all been in town and though we have our own place to stay, MIL keeps insisting we hang out at her place. Which would be fine except that she spends the entire time fussing about DS's existence. She won't put away any of her fragile stuff, keeps putting the toys he is allowed to play with in increasingly obscure places so I have to hunt for something he's allowed to touch, and basically complains about everything he does. He's too noisy. He's too messy. He climbs on the furniture. He eats too much. He eats too little. He's spoiled. He's not allowed in this room. Or that room. Or that one, either (and since it's an open floor plan that means I have to be 18 inches behind him at all times to make sure he doesn't wander past the acceptable boundaries). And the worst thing is that she keeps inviting the older kids to do stuff, intentionally leaving DS out and then getting huffy when he cries or tries to be included.

We went to the zoo yesterday; me, MIL, SIL and our five kids (SIL's are 11 and 5, mine are 7, 4 and almost 2). I didn't see a single animal and really neither did DS. They kept running ahead and they'd have their fill of any given animal by the time I herded my two younger ones to the exhibit. At one point, I was left in charge of all three smaller kids while MIL and SIL sauntered off to look at some more animals. Not once the entire visit was I offered one shred of help, and any accommodation I asked for (such as arriving at opening time and leaving in the early afternoon) was met with eye-rolls and ferocious resistance.

Today, she just sent all of the big kids outside in the middle of breakfast (as in, we'd just sat down to eat). I got to choose between leaving my meal and following DS outside or making him stay in. I chose the latter and she got mad at me and told me I needed to keep him quiet. I'd had it; I left. And she had the unmitigated gall to act like I was the one being unreasonable for leaving instead of spending hours trying to keep my toddler silent and immobile.

GAH. Only one more day.

[hellokitty]

Ugh, that's so frustrating. We've had similar issues with both sets of grandparents being completely unwilling to childproof their homes. I even found oxy in the bedside table in the room that mil set up for the kids to sleep in, in a NON-childproof container. I was so mad, she doesn't even take them, so why the hell are they even there, just waiting for an accident?

I'm glad that you left and didn't hide your annoyance. I sometimes find it hard to believe that these ppl raised kids of their own, when they seem so completely oblivious to what kids are like. My parents have similar issues with leaving prescriptive meds lying around and other chemicals, and when I asked them to put it away so my toddler couldn't get into them, my dad (a pediatrician, btw), told me that my son need to, "learn" not to touch things that weren't his. WTF? Who expects an 11 mo old not to touch stuff????

[georgiegirl]

Ugh, how unpleasant. Some people just have no clue about 2 years olds. Part of me would be a bitch and let him get into whatever fragile stuff she left out in the room you are allowed to be in. When my kids were toddlers, I really hated going over to homes where people didn't have young kids.

My mom and stepdad used to leave these tiny knick-knacks all over the (sharp-edged) coffee table in the living room. Every time I came to visit, I would scramble to put them up high before DD could get to them. Now 6 years later, my stepfather babysits his granddaughter (who is almost 2) two days a week...and guess what? No knick-knacks in sight and the coffee table has one of those squishy protectors on it. People just don't get what's age appropriate for a toddler until they are around them frequently.

[crl]

Wow, that's terrible. I can kind of overlook the breakables, but making rules about what rooms he can go in when the rooms don't even have doors, and complaining incessantly about typical toddler behavior is just ridiculous and rude. I'd refuse to go back.

Catherine

[NCGrandma]

When my DGDs visited recently (the younger is 23 months), I did a pretty thorough child proofing, including buying removable cabinet locks and door monkeys, putting small or hazardous stuff out of reach, etc etc. As a result,we had an enjoyable and uneventful visit.

But the thing that really shocked me was how many of my grandma friends and (gasp!) the other set of grandparents thought I was being really silly to bother doing this. One friend who has a 4 y.o. DGS even said, you just need to tell her 'no'! (I almost did a BP post about all this.) At least, I was confident that I 'know' lots of people who also value age-appropriate child safety.

[Still-in-Shock]

NCGrandma, do you think your friends are just forgetful? Or do they really have unusual grandchildren who listen!?

anonomom, it may be that your MIL really loves having your child around, but doesn't know how to express it. Some people only know how to complain. You might want to ask your husband if she was like this when he was growing up. But now you know that for future visits, you need to alternate plans for your toddler that you can't disrupt, oh so sorry.

[DualvansMommy]

I'm sorry! :( that sounds so tough....but like one pp said, it's one thing to avoid breakables but trying to get a toddler not to get into "rooms" when the house is all open plan! i wouldn't go back, if it's causing you so much stress....perhaps invite them over to your place instead?

[NCGrandma]

NCGrandma, do you think your friends are just forgetful? Or do they really have unusual grandchildren who listen!?
.

Good questions -- I'm sure that some friends whose DGC are much older have just forgotten how inquisitive a 2 y.o. can be, but I suspect that a lot of them just never paid much attention to preparing for young visitors and expected that the parents would take responsibility for keeping both child and stuff safe. I know that some friends only got to see their DGC at the child's house -- this is probably why.

I'm particularly annoyed with the other set of grandparents, who also have other young DGC who visit often, but apparently don't bother doing anything different to get ready. Are the Rx meds more convenient on the kitchen table? Why move them? Sharp kitchen knives lying around? Hey, we might want to prepare food... Etc... Don't get me started!!

[OKKiddo]

NCGrandma, do you think your friends are just forgetful? Or do they really have unusual grandchildren who listen!?

anonomom, it may be that your MIL really loves having your child around, but doesn't know how to express it. Some people only know how to complain. You might want to ask your husband if she was like this when he was growing up. But now you know that for future visits, you need to alternate plans for your toddler that you can't disrupt, oh so sorry..

They probably have a visit punctuated with more "no's" and "don't touch that's" and loud crying than they do laughter and happiness. That's how it is at my MIL's because her house can't be child proofed too much (too small, lots of stuff, dangerous terrain).

ETA, we also stay at a hotel now (thank you Lord!) and when it gets too tough being at MIL's house we leave for some pool time (which she's encouraged to join us at). My DH just wants to stay at MIL's house all day even when there's nothing going on and everyone is bored out of their minds (which is when trouble happens). I think next visit we'll make up an itinerary, lol!

[anonomom]

Usually I'm able to roll with MIL's quirks -- she is a loving grandparent and is great with my daughters. We see them several times a month and it's usually ok, or if something happens I can just roll my eyes and herd DS over to our place. But these two weeks a year when everyone visits MIL tends to go off the deep end. Things that would normally be tiny issues are suddenly a huge deal. I've been on my guard all week so I won't overreact in kind, but today I'd just reached my limit.

[niccig]

My mom was the same. On our first visit DS was 1 and my older sister (no kids, but has friends with kids) suggested my mother block off access to Christmas tree and the steps so DS couldn't get off the porch. Mum's response was "you teach them No." We get back from first afternoon leaving DS with my mum and my aunt, who have 6 kids between them, and the christmas tree and porch are blocked off. Both of them lost DS and my dad found him on back lawn. Yep, "no" worked really well! She also expected a toddler to sit at fancy restaurants eating dinner at 8pm, because that's when she wanted to have dinner. I refused, offered to eat earlier so the adults could still go, but she insisted on everyone being together and then was pissed that eating at 6.30pm.

I put it down to forgetting what kids are like and when they raised us, they didn't think about what was good for us. I know we were dragged around to anything they wanted to do regardless if we were tired/hungry etc.

Now, that DS is older. Things are much easier. We had a really good last trip. I think some of it is that DS is 8.5 yo, he's much more flexible, so can eat later, do things that are boring and not complain much and he wants to help her do what she likes eg. gardening, cooking. And I think mum had some conversations complaining about us to her friends, who all have grandkids, and heard that yes, kids don't like to eat gourmet food at 8pm.

[Simon]

I'm so sorry. We mostly just visit with grandparents on our turf, but we do have a visit coming soon to my Mom. Last time she had left out her entire precious glass collection so "the kids can see it" Um, yeah, my toddler likes to throw things, not just look at random clear glass in abstract shapes. Sheesh. She also wants us to stay with her, even though there are 5 of us and she has a 2-room apartment. Not just 2 bedrooms. 2 rooms. She is so unrealistic.