DH...it's not necessarily the action, but the manner in which you do it

[Binkandabee]

DH and I had this exchange of text messages this morning:

Me: Can I go to Dinner with (BFF of 26 years who lives out of town)?
Him: OK
Me: OK or Yes?
Him: Yes.
Me: You seem so thrilled.
Him: My day already got hijacked so why not the evening too?

Background: DH works from home and DD#2's daycare was closed today due to no power. So, I get it's going to be a difficult day for him get much of anything done.

I'm pissed and hurt. I never ask to do things by myself and this was an opportunity to see my very best friend who just happened to be here at an impromptu seminar. Think he feels bad now and wants me to go, but I'm just not in the mood anymore. He doesn't get that I'm not appreciative because of his attitude in making the dinner happen for me. He was rude, mean and got me to the point I don't even want to go anymore.

Nevermind the fact that DH frequently sees his buddies, goes to out of town concerts with them, and I happily encourage him to do it.

ETA: I know I shoud have just left it after he texted me Yes. But, with DH's history, I knew exactly what he was thinking and I was right. It's an inconvenience for him and him not being inconvenienced is basically his goal in life it seems these days.

[Tondi G]

Just go! Have a good time with your friend! Your DH will get over it! Don't let his bad attitude transfer over to you!!!!

[123LuckyMom]

I'm sorry you feel bad and like your DH has rained on your parade! Honestly, though, I think this is the fault of texting and too long a conversation. If you guys had stopped at OK, you would be happily preparing for your dinner. I would drop it and go have fun! You caught your DH on a bad day, but he wasn't going to discourage you from going. It's okay that he's not joyfully enthusiastic about your going out while he stays in after a tiring day, isn't it? I hope you go and have lots of fun! Leave your DH to stew in his own bad mood. Don't let it bring you down!

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I'm sorry you feel bad and like your DH has rained on your parade! Honestly, though, I think this is the fault of texting and too long a conversation. If you guys had stopped at OK, you would be happily preparing for your dinner. I would drop it and go have fun! You caught your DH on a bad day, but he wasn't going to discourage you from going. It's okay that he's not joyfully enthusiastic about your going out while he stays in after a tiring day, isn't it? I hope you go and have lots of fun! Leave your DH to stew in his own bad mood. Don't let it bring you down!

:yeahthat: i agree. i would totally go and have a good time with your BFF!! i think you were sort of asking for trouble when you said that "he seemed so thrilled"...that seems like a very loaded comment, TBH! even if you *knew* he was annoyed by the request, i would have just let him be annoyed and ignore him....sounds like you totally deserve a night out! So, i say pretend not to notice and have a great time with your friend :) Afterwards hopefully things will have calmed down and your DH will apologize.

[sariana]

I'm a little confused. What was wrong with the "OK"? That's how I would have responded to such a question. It means the same thing as "yes," in my book.

But this is the BP, so go ahead and let out your frustrations here. Better here than with your DH. :)

Have a great time with your friend!

[KrisM]

I would go and not read anything else into texting. Have fun. My DH isn't thrilled when I go out at night, but he doesn't tell me not to go and I do go. He's not thrilled with me going, but doesn't want to stop me from going. I think that's what is happening here. He doesn't have to be excited that you are going out tonight, but he's supportive of it and that's a good thing.

[Still-in-Shock]

He will be no fun at dinner, so you might as well enjoy dinner by going out. Your DH will forget about this long before you do, so don't miss a chance to see your out-of- town friend!

[m4nash]

Just go! Enjoy yourself. He doesn't need to be thrilled. I am not thrilled everytime my husband goes out without me, but I'd rarely say no. He doesn't ask often. Your DH said OK. So go! If he really didn't want you to go he would have said no, right?

[anonomom]

Just go! Enjoy yourself. He doesn't need to be thrilled. I am not thrilled everytime my husband goes out without me, but I'd rarely say no. He doesn't ask often. Your DH said OK. So go! If he really didn't want you to go he would have said no, right?

:yeahthat: The fact that he's being all Eeyore about it isn't your problem. That said, I'd be feeling the same way in your shoes, so I'm sorry. I get that it's hard to enjoy yourself knowing that he's sulking.

[Binkandabee]

I know I should have just taken his ok and been done with it. But, anytime I take time for myself (which is rare...like less than 4 times a year rare), he acts like he's doing me a huge favor by taking care of the girls. I figured this time would be no different, but had an inkling of hope that it might be because it was my longtime BFF and she lives a good distance away, so we don't see each other often. I was hoping maybe for once that he'd do it without grumbling about it and even might be happy for me. They're his girls, too afterall.

[Philly Mom]

You have every right to be annoyed. My DH gets annoyed when he has to partake in certain activities with other people. He acts the way your DH does and it drives me crazy. I hope you had fun with your friend anyway.

[bisous]

Oh, I get it. It is hard. Especially when you KNOW that a certain text typed a certain ways is reading resentment. It is hard to let it go. I know that one thing that has REALLY helped DH and I in this regard is that we now have a policy of "take me at my word". What this means is that if he replies "Fine" or "OK" and even if I KNOW that he is acting obnoxious about it or isn't happy he said I can got so I'll take him at his word. I don't have to try to figure out how he is really feeling or probe to figure the cause of his annoyance, he said I can go, so I'm going! Likewise, if he says that he cannot be angry or upset that I choose to go. If he doesn't want me to go, he is responsible for spelling that out in WORDS not tone, not innuendo, etc. It is nice because it does cut down on needless conversation about day to day annoyances. My guess is that your DH really DOES want you to go, but he's just lamenting about his lost day. At least I really hope he feels that way for you! I hope you had a great night out. :)

[missliss55]

I'm a little confused. What was wrong with the "OK"? That's how I would have responded to such a question. It means the same thing as "yes," in my book.

But this is the BP, so go ahead and let out your frustrations here. Better here than with your DH. :)

Have a great time with your friend!


I agree.

[Giantbear]

sounds like a language issue, you speak female and he speaks male. for the future, ok means yes, and then leave it at that.

[SnuggleBuggles]

sounds like a language issue, you speak female and he speaks male. for the future, ok means yes, and then leave it at that.

Yeah, I must speak guy bc I take ok as ok. That's be enough for me. Have fun!!!

[kara97210]

I totally get it, my husband does the same thing and it really gets to me. The other night we were going out and I asked how I looked (new dress) and he said "ok", obviously that's an fine answer, but it definitely made me feel like I didn't look great. I basically dragged a compliment out of him (me: just ok? should I change?, him: no you look great) and felt kind of junky.

My husband will also say something is ok, when he's annoyed by it. For example, I had offered to help a neighbor by watching her DD (same age as my DS and they play well together) and then asked if he could keep an eye on them while I ran to the grocery store. He said ok, but was clearly annoyed. I agree with you, it's the tone.

[Binkandabee]

I totally get it, my husband does the same thing and it really gets to me. The other night we were going out and I asked how I looked (new dress) and he said "ok", obviously that's an fine answer, but it definitely made me feel like I didn't look great. I basically dragged a compliment out of him (me: just ok? should I change?, him: no you look great) and felt kind of junky.

My husband will also say something is ok, when he's annoyed by it. For example, I had offered to help a neighbor by watching her DD (same age as my DS and they play well together) and then asked if he could keep an eye on them while I ran to the grocery store. He said ok, but was clearly annoyed. I agree with you, it's the tone.

Thank you. This is precisely what I'm trying to convey. His OK isn't just ok...it's an I'm irritated with the situation. That's what gets to me.