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View Full Version : what is reasonable or what are your plans for reaching your partner?



megs4413
07-31-2013, 01:35 PM
My DH has worked from home for several years. Until last week. He is now working out of an office about 15 minutes away from our home. I am not used to not being able to get a hold of him, since he's usually home! So, I'm not sure what's reasonable to expect here...

I am on modified bed rest in a high risk pregnancy with two kids at home full time right now. The hospital we are delivering at is 35 minutes from our home. the doc's office is about 20 minutes. there is a hospital much closer but they are not equipped to handle my heart issues relating to pregnancy so it would be an absolute last resort.

I needed to talk to him today (not about me or baby or kids, but to do with an urgent matter at work, we work together) and couldn't get a hold of him for over a half hour.

is that unreasonable or expected? if it takes me a half hour to get a hold of him when it is an emergency related to baby/kids/me, then another 15 for him to get here and another almost 40 to get to hospital.....we are talking about 90ish minutes before I get to help....thoughts?

eta: he wasn't in a meeting or anything. he was out to lunch and couldn't hear his phone over the throng of people. i am not pleased.

amom526
07-31-2013, 01:44 PM
I am admittedly extremely needy, but I expect DH to be reachable all the time. That means that if I call him, I generally expect a call back within a few minutes. But I don't call him unless it is something pressing. Otherwise we communicate by E-mail or text, and he can answer whenever he has time. He is generally good about telling me when he has a meeting etc.

In your situation, I would expect DH to be reachable ALL THE TIME. I would tell him to check his phone often, because this is a situation where time could be of the essence. If he is not able to be reachable all the time because of work, I think you need a back up plan of someone you could call if you need something.

sarahsthreads
07-31-2013, 02:07 PM
My DH is also completely impossible to get ahold of. He can be sitting at his desk and if I ring his phone he will ignore it. (Stupid caller ID.) I told him that starting tomorrow (I'll be 36 weeks) that is 100% unacceptable. I try very hard not to call him at work unless it is a pressing matter, so I expect if I call his work phone he will answer if he is at his desk from now on. Pressing matters might include stuff like "My midwife needs me to schedule this appointment and I need to know when you can be available to watch the kids" because I can't do that scheduling after he gets home from work and he doesn't put things on a calendar I have access to. (We both have google calendars, he just chooses not to use his.) If I want to chat I might send him a text asking him if he has a minute to call me, but I don't ever call to just shoot the breeze, kwim?

And I NEVER call his cell phone while he is at work unless it is an absolute emergency - heaven forbid I interrupt a meeting - so I'd expect that he'd answer that on the first ring. But, like your DH, he often can't tell it's ringing, because he always has it on vibrate and doesn't notice that it's vibrating. Sigh.

His solution was "well, just be a pest and call a bunch of times in a row, and then I'll know I need to pick up." Um, no. Not going to work for me. Your co-workers all know that you have a very pregnant wife at home. You need to just answer the phone the first time.

My back-up plan (in between calling him multiple times until he notices that I need to reach him) is to run down a list of friends who can come over and watch my kids until I find someone who's immediately available, and then depending on the level of emergency either call for an ambulance (you know, if I realize I'm already in transition or something) or keep running down the list until I find someone to drive me to the hospital. Because EVERY woman in active labor wants to be on the phone constantly trying to reach people, right?

Sarah :)

chottumommy
07-31-2013, 02:41 PM
My DH is a professor and travels often for conferences and also teaches, so reaching him was not the most reliable thing for me to do. I had doula just so I could have someone take me to the hospital when needed and take care of DS1 while I was in labour incase DH was not available. DS1 was 2.5 when I was pregnant with DS2. DH didnot travel beyond 300 miles after 36 weeks and always went in his car incase he had to drive back.

I had a homebirth(not planned) since time from first contraction to birth was less than 30 mins and I was not even in pain. The doula was with me and it all worked out ok. In your case I would definitely be looking for a doula who could be available within 15 mins if you cannot rely on DH and also have a couple of friends, neighbours on speed dial in case of emergency. Since your mom lives with you, could she help you get to the hospital.

georgiegirl
07-31-2013, 02:51 PM
It really depends on how DH's day is going. Sometimes he picks up immediately, and other times, he won't get back to me for a few hours. Part of the problem is that he keeps is phone on vibrate, so he doesn't hear it or notice I've called for a while. However, last night he said that he would begin keeping the ringer on at all times and he would pick up immediately any time I called (I'm due in 2 weeks). He did tell me to only call him for emergencies, but to text him for anything routine or non-emergent. We have all of our contingency plans worked out (I have people in place to pick DD up from camp and my neighbor can watch DS), and he only has one day next week where he's working far away (1 hour). The rest of the time, he will be 10-20 minutes away...but he works at the hospital, so I could always have someone drive me to whatever hospital he's at if its truly an emergency and he couldn't get home in time to get me.

BabyBearsMom
07-31-2013, 03:02 PM
When I was PG with DD1, DH was on a secured floor and could not carry his cell phone with him, so if he was in a meeting he was not accessible. What we did is my first call was to his desk and if he was not there, I had the number for 3 of the people he worked with. One of the people was on his team but two were not with the thinking that if the team was in a group meeting I wouldn't be able to access any of them. I also had his boss's phone number so she could track him down. When I had DD2 he could have his cell phone but we still had the back up of phone numbers with a few of his colleagues just in case. My boss and one of my co-workers also had all of the phone numbers in case of an emergency.

But in your case, if your DH doesn't answer, and it is an emergency, I think I would call an ambulance.

Philly Mom
07-31-2013, 03:05 PM
I don't expect to hear from my DH during the day, though I would feel differently if we worked together and if I had the medical issues you are dealing with. I expect my colleagues to respond to me. In your situation, I would find this unacceptable. I am always reachable during the day because DD1 is at daycare. I keep my phone on vibrate in my lap when I am in meetings. I can feel it ring. DH has just never been good about getting in touch with me during the day so I tend not to expect responses to emails I send during the day. I would hope that if I called he would know it means something and get right back to me as I never call without a reason. That said, I tried every one of his numbers the other day because I was walking past our favorite falafel place and I wanted to know if he wanted me to pick up food for dinner. I did not hear back until I was already back at my office, after I had already bought food. I told him it was unacceptable as I am pregnant and what if there was a problem with me or DD1.

BunnyBee
07-31-2013, 03:06 PM
Our general emergency code is that I call right back if he sends the call to voicemail. I've only done that three times in the 11+ years we've had kids, so he knows to excuse himself and step out to take the call. (Severe bleeding during second pregnancy and my mom was rushing me to doctor, kid appendicitis, and me locking myself out of the house and car with a newborn in August heat...that one was impressive...)

Does your oldest know how to call him with your cell phone and the home phone? I'd expect him to keep his phone on high vibrate, face up on the table. With many newer phones, you can customize rings for certain numbers, so he could program it so your cell and house number grab his attention.

123LuckyMom
07-31-2013, 04:55 PM
When I was pg, we agreed that if I called his cell twice in a row, he would answer or call back soon. He's a psychologist, so he could be in the middle of something really sensitive. There was once while I was pg when I had what we later learned was a kidney stone. I called him twice, and he did not pick up. I called the receptionist and told her I was really sick and needed for her to interrupt his session. She did.

I know that if it's a real emergency, I can get hold of him, but I have only done this once. If I were you, I would ask my DH to let his secretary, or someone you can get hold of at his office, know where he is at all times. That way, you could track him down and call the restaurant, for instance, in an emergency.

Liziz
07-31-2013, 10:29 PM
In "regular" settings, I do not expect to be able to reach DH during work. His cell phone doesn't work in the hospital, so we really do not talk during the workday at all. However, he does have a pager, which I use only for serious stuff.... I've probably paged him 5 times in the past 3 years. And in a "regular" situation, 30 minutes to reach your DH sounds totally reasonable. BUT - in a "I'm pregnant and may go into labor soon" situation, I would request that DH help come up with a better plan so that I could reach him immediately -- i.e. - give me a couple #s of people he works with that can walk down the hall to find him, etc. (as a side note, this totally happened to my friend.....she went into labor and couldn't reach her DH, who was at work. Thankfully she had the phone numbers of a couple of his coworkers, so she called and one of them was able to get him).

SnuggleBuggles
07-31-2013, 11:16 PM
If I really need to reach dh, he knows to answer the phone if I call back right away (assuming he purposely ignored my first call). He's always been very accessible though.

DualvansMommy
07-31-2013, 11:44 PM
I agree that it isn't acceptable for you in this situation, considering you're on bedrest with multiple medical issues. I would be freaking out if i couldn't reach my husband, and he's usually the one who freaks if I don't respond within 30-45 mins. Perhaps just until the baby is born, come up with a solid system where your DH WILL answer his phone.

hillview
08-01-2013, 11:19 AM
Honestly while I get your frustration I think it is reasonable that he may not be available for a 30-90 min block of time. That said given your situation I think it would be helpful to have a plan B of back up to help you should you need to get to a hospital asap. I also think that a high level of communication (if you cannot do a plan B) may be called for (he'd need to tell you where he is going for lunch and who he will be with etc so you could in a true emergency be able to contact him) or you could get him a pager that beeps.

AnnieW625
08-05-2013, 12:19 PM
DH usually answers his desk phone, and if I can't get ahold of him at least twice I will try his bosses #, but thankfully it never came to that. Prior to getting his iphone in 2011 he'd usually leave his cell phone in the car all of the time. Even when he had his dumb phone in 2009/2010 when I was pregnant with DD2 he was better about carrying it, but I never relied on calling him on that number first. Kind of drove me batty, but I survived.