We Are Not Your Therapy Group, Dad!

[lizzywednesday]

The title should say it all, shouldn't it?

So, my dad's life is very ... unsettled ... at the moment.

He married his girlfriend at the end of March; they moved in together at the end of May.

In between, he managed to alienate my sister, accuse her boyfriend of theft (due to the boyfriend's admitted painkiller addiction), lose a job I thought he'd begun ... and lose a 2nd house.

He is overweight, likely pre diabetic, and will be 61 in October.

Since moving in with his new wife, they have had several fights over her daughters (who are two of the most selfish, entitled, and greedy little b!tches I have EVER met ... if I had done a quarter of the things they do to their mother to my father when I was their age, I would have found myself on the freaking street; instead, they're taken on cruises and trips to Hawaii :nodno: ) at least one over the daughters' dog (during which my stepmother TOOK MY FATHER'S GLASSES AWAY and locked them in her bedroom - WTF???) ... and several crying sessions over the lack of a relationship with my sister.

He group-texts all of us daily, which is fine, but the texts have come at all hours of the day and night. When he sent one at 9pm, one of my brothers threw a hissy fit & demanded to be removed from the group.

He is lonely and depressed and really needs therapy, but obviously can't afford it. (And even if he could, I doubt anything would change. He doesn't really work at things.)

But, for the love of all that is holy, YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT THERAPY!

I don't want to hear about his problems with his DW or the step-demons.
I don't want to hear about how sad he is.
I don't want to hear about how much he misses my sister's kids.
I don't want to hear about how he worries for those babies - jeez, if you were so worried, you would call effing DYFS yourself and petition the county for custody!

I have my own worries and my own life. Like the fact that my company just upped our hours without upping our pay (though I should be thankful it was only that and not the round of layoffs we'd all been anticipating) ... or the fact that my DH's place of employment is jerking his chain ... or the fact that, despite their hiring a SLEW of people who just do NOT grasp the concept of a schedule, my company is insisting on moving a lot more of our work offshore - and they are asking us to train our replacements ... or the 50lbs I'd like to lose ... or a million other things I get anxious about on a daily basis.

I love my dad. I've attempted to (gently but firmly) set limits but he threw a hissy. I don't need THAT either.

I'm done. Just DONE.

[StantonHyde]

The thing to remember is that you are NOT helping him by listening to him. My rule is that I will listen to someone gripe about the same issue 3x. By the 4th time, they are not making progress or thinking about it differently or moving in a direction or anything. AT that point, I am just enabling them. They need professional help. YOu could try telling your dad that his problems sound serious and that he needs professional help--there are services out there on sliding fee scales etc if he looks for them. Or that you love him too much to enable him.

In the mean time--your life sounds tough right now--ugh. Hopefully you will catch a break somewhere!! You deserve it!

[MamaMolly]

The thing to remember is that you are NOT helping him by listening to him. My rule is that I will listen to someone gripe about the same issue 3x. By the 4th time, they are not making progress or thinking about it differently or moving in a direction or anything. AT that point, I am just enabling them. They need professional help. YOu could try telling your dad that his problems sound serious and that he needs professional help--there are services out there on sliding fee scales etc if he looks for them. Or that you love him too much to enable him.

In the mean time--your life sounds tough right now--ugh. Hopefully you will catch a break somewhere!! You deserve it!

This is seriously good advice I wish I'd had about 20 years ago. Filing it away for future reference!

[lizzywednesday]

Aww, thanks!

It's probably passive-aggressive, but I've taken to switching on the "do not disturb" setting for most of the day if I sense Dad's having a low week. I spent a week down-the-shore with my ILs, which meant I deliberately unplugged for much of it ... and BOY was it nice!

He has done sliding scale before, but he's so screwed up with his personal finances (and some issues with the nursing home my grandmother is in) it's very difficult to smack him upside the head with the fact that he needs therapy.

We are his KIDS. Not his shrink. I need to keep telling myself (and my brother & SIL) this. It'll help.

[lizzywednesday]

I told him he needed therapy and he told me he didn't think it would help because step-mother wouldn't go.

Did I mention she just went to court with her ex over child support issues and lost? Then threatened to kill herself?

(And I know this because ...? :banghead: )

I insisted Dad should go solo, with solid goals to meet, so he could get himself out of this rut. I'm sick of the "I miss the babies! I want a hug." whining he's been doing.

DH says I'm not exactly the most tactful person in the world, an opinion I agree with, but my dad doesn't really need tact right now. He needs help and I am not the one to give it.

[boogiemomz]

Oh geez, what a mess! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now, a burden that should not fall on you, in addition to everything else you have going on. Agree that it's 100% inappropriate for him to unload all this stuff on you, and it indicates that he need a totally different kind of (professional help). If he can't work it out to make that happen and take responsibility, then it falls on the list of NOT YOUR PROBLEM! StantonHyde gave perfect advice, only thing I would add is that turning off your phone is most definitely not passive aggressive, it's self preservation! You are protecting yourself, which you have a right and a responsibility to do. You have other obligations, so you need to save your energy for those. I would say turning off your phone is probably one of the only ways to respond/cope with this situation! Sending big hugs, hope you can get some space from this soon. :hug:

[specialp]

I’m so sorry. That is certainly a lot to take.

The only thing I would add, if you talk to him about it again, is to frame therapy in as positive of a light as possible, not a you need help. It’s an hour/50 minutes that is devoted just to him and what he wants to talk about, to unload all that has been bothering him, and able to vent about people in there in a way he wouldn’t normally be able to do because of worrying about hurting feelings, etc.

We had an eerily similar situation with a similar-aged longtime family friend. The emailing people at odd hours to complain, in his case, was insomnia due to depression. He did eventually get therapy and is doing well now. It was kind of forced upon, though he glad of it now. One thing that has and always will stick with me was he, now in therapy, saying all those time we told him he needed help he translated to “I don’t have time for this; go pay someone to listen to you.” So what I told you above is basically the “positives” he has told me that counseling has done for him. It might not help in how the message is delivered, but in the event it will, I wanted to pass it along. I know you want help for your dad and he what he needs is professional help. You deserve to focus on yourself and your family.

So sorry again.

[lizzywednesday]

...

The only thing I would add, if you talk to him about it again, is to frame therapy in as positive of a light as possible, not a you need help. It’s an hour/50 minutes that is devoted just to him and what he wants to talk about, to unload all that has been bothering him, and able to vent about people in there in a way he wouldn’t normally be able to do because of worrying about hurting feelings, etc.

...

Thanks. That's kind of how I presented it - go in with goals and focus on getting him back into mental shape. He's been to therapy before, which means he already has de-stigmatized it in some way, but he doesn't always recognize the need to go and get himself help.