Thanks for nothing, MIL.

[Green_Tea]

My ILs live about 2 hours away from us and MIL is retired. MIL is in her early 60s, very active, travels, etc. She NEVER calls, NEVER responds to the pictures I text her, NEVER asks about our kids. Her life completely revolves around our niece, who is a month younger than DD1. When we do speak with my ILs, all they talk about is DN. They attend all her school plays, her recitals, drive her to dance, do homework with her, have her sleep over, take her shopping, host playdates. My ILs are basically a second set of parents to her. They took her on vacation (to a location that her favorite series of books is located in) this summer. Often, when we invite MIL to come visit or attend special events for our kids, she declines - because it conflicts with DN's schedule. This is a CHOICE my ILs have made. DN's parents have plenty of financial resources to arrange for childcare.

Next week I need to go back to work on Monday (I am a teacher). My kids don't start school until Wednesday, so we need two days of childcare. My mom has to work. Our normal babysitters all have commitments, and I am FREAKING OUT because I can't nail down childcare. So DH calls his mom and asks if she could please help us out. Her answer? No. She really wants to be home for DN's first day of school. MIL HAS NEVER SEEN OUR KIDS ON THEIR FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. EVER. SHE HAS NEVER ATTENDED A VIOLIN CONCERT OR A SOFTBALL GAME OR TAKEN OUR KIDS ON VACATION. I can't even the last time she invited us to their house. When she does come here, she brings DN with her. Even if it means taking her out of school.

F@&% you, MIL. We ask you for NOTHING and the one time we really NEED you, you say no. Nice.

[Pennylane]

Oh my gosh, that is awful! I can't imagine someone showing that much favoritism to a grandchild. I am so sorry that she treats your dc like that. If I was you, I wouldn't send photos or anything for awhile . Do you think then she would show some interest ?

Ann

[Green_Tea]

Oh my gosh, that is awful! I can't imagine someone showing that much favoritism to a grandchild. I am so sorry that she treats your dc like that. If I was you, I wouldn't send photos or anything for awhile . Do you think then she would show some interest ?

Ann


Probably not. It's never worked before. The favoritism has been from day 1. When I had DD1 (the first grandchild on both sides), FIL gave her a silly little nickname. Called her that for a solid month. When DN was born, he transferred the nickname to her. Never called my DD by the nickname again. He refers to DN by the nickname in conversation to us, even when DN is not present to respond to it. It's like we don't exist.

[mommylamb]

What jerks. I am so sorry. Your DH must be so upset with them. Do they favor his sister (brother? Whoever DN's parent is) over your DH? Your poor kids. I'm sure they have gotten to the age where that kind of blatant favoritism becomes obvious to them too. This makes me really sad. I hope you can at least find child are for those days.

[petesgirl]

Wow, what a piece of work! I cannot understand how many anyone can be like that.... And I'm really sorry you are having to stress over childcare on top getting things ready for school starting and all that. Wish I could help in some way.

[Green_Tea]

What jerks. I am so sorry. Your DH must be so upset with them. Do they favor his sister (brother? Whoever DN's parent is) over your DH? Your poor kids. I'm sure they have gotten to the age where that kind of blatant favoritism becomes obvious to them too. This makes me really sad. I hope you can at least find child are for those days.

It's his sister. I can't say they favor her, exactly, it's more that she's local and always around. She also pursued a very lucrative career and is very financially successful, which is something they value highly. She basically walked the path they hoped my husband would walk. DH, on the other hand, studied literature and is more of a dreamer, which they don't value at all. In spite of her tremendous financial success, she makes MIL and FIL crazy with her strong opinions. They are all extremely materialistic and very rigid. We are nothing like them, and I think that drives MIL batty.

I do think my kids (the older two, at least) recognize the blatant favoritism. It really hurts. My ILs don't even TRY to pretend.

[malphy]

I'm sorry, that plain sucks!!!

[rlu]

What a b***h! She better hope her daughter picks her nursing home.

[Green_Tea]

What a b***h! She better hope her daughter picks her nursing home.

No kidding.

It makes me sad because I was quite close with MIL and SIL before we had kids. MIL and I used to shop together all the time, and we lived with the ILs briefly before we got married. When SIL eloped, DH and I were the only ones who were invited. The fact that we used to be quite close makes the complete disinterest in our lives sting even more.

[elizabethkott]

What a b***h! She better hope her daughter picks her nursing home.

:snort:
Dang right!!!!!
What a piece of work.
I'm so sorry your family gets the short end of the stick from your in laws. That has to be really, really painful, especially when it's so horribly obvious. (((((Hugs)))))


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[hellokitty]

I'm sorry, that sucks. I'd be pissed too.

[PunkyBoo]

I'm sorry you (and your kids) have to go through this. I can COMPLETELY relate. My mom lives next door to my sister and about 35 miles from us. Her "hierarchy of favorite grandchildren" (as I call it) is so blatant its embarrassing. And Punkin is last(Boo is 3 rd out of 5). She usually doesnt even try to pretend to like him and he is a delightful funny kid (if I do say so myself). It REALLY sucks. I'm so completely sick of hearing about my sister's family, which she refers to as "we" , from her. She's never once missed grandparents day at my sister's kids school but couldn't take 2 hours off work to go to Punkins the first (and therefore last) time I asked. She "tries" to come to one of Punkins soccer games per season, if she can squeeze it in between my sister's kids games (which she goes to all of).

[KpbS]

I'm really sorry. That is inexcusable and awful behavior.

:grouphug:

[Green_Tea]

I'm sorry you (and your kids) have to go through this. I can COMPLETELY relate. My mom lives next door to my sister and about 35 miles from us. Her "hierarchy of favorite grandchildren" (as I call it) is so blatant its embarrassing. And Punkin is last(Boo is 3 rd out of 5). She usually doesnt even try to pretend to like him and he is a delightful funny kid (if I do say so myself). It REALLY sucks. I'm so completely sick of hearing about my sister's family, which she refers to as "we" , from her. She's never once missed grandparents day at my sister's kids school but couldn't take 2 hours off work to go to Punkins the first (and therefore last) time I asked. She "tries" to come to one of Punkins soccer games per season, if she can squeeze it in between my sister's kids games (which she goes to all of).

I'm sorry you have to deal with that from your own mom. I would imagine that it would hurt even more if were my parents, and not DH's.

The only thing that consoles me (and perhaps it will console you, too - if not today, then someday) is that we make all of our parenting decisions far from the microscope of my ILs. My ILs constantly weigh in on DN's clothes, her homework, what she's eaten. They are used to being allowed to have an opinion about those things and express it. I have no interest in having my mother or MIL watch over my shoulder as I parent. In the long run, we are better off not having them play the same role in our lives as they do in DN's life. But it still really hurts that they are not willing to help us when we REALLY need them.

[TwinFoxes]

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine.

[kara97210]

This makes me so mad for you and your kids. I was raised with grandparents who clearly played favorites and I always knew that my siblings and I were near the bottom of the list. It sucked. I really don't get grandparents like this. It's a long time away, but I can't wait to shower my grandchildren with affection.

[Octobermommy]

I think I would have to say F@!$ you to her. Sh*^ like this makes me so mad!

[bisous]

I'm sorry. That is just too crappy for words. My mother has a hierarchy of her children. The five of us have discussed it and we agree completely, it is SO obvious. It is hard but for those of us lower on the hierarchy, we've learned to just deal with it and not take it too personally. We really see it as her problem. Maybe that kind of realism will help your kids too? Sometimes it still stings a little. My DH takes me into his arms and lets me know that in OUR family, we are all equally valued and that always makes me feel better. I feel "safe" at my home as I'm sure your DDs feel safe in your family hierarchy.

I'm just super bummed that she couldn't help you out in this tight spot too. Here's hoping a better solution presents itself soon!

[Rainbows&Roses]

There was a favorite sister in our family growing up and that same sister has the favored grandkids also. My mom tries to be fair, but really isn't very successful at it. Her favoritism will surface often and she will defend that sister and her kids against any and all criticism. They are PERFECT.

But in your situation, I think my mom would have actually helped so your MIL wins the prize. My MIL is dead and was before I married my DH so I have no idea about appropriate MIL etiquette, but I would be tempted to have DH say something to her.

[minnie-zb]

I'm sorry -- that is truly awful. My MIL is pretty checked out too. She's much more involved with her second husband's family.

[tabegle]

Wow, that is awful! I'm sorry you have to go through this. It certainly would make me want to keep future interactions to a minimum.

Does a local park district offer some kind of day care? Are your kids old enough to have friends? Maybe you could ask the friends parents?

[PunkyBoo]

I'm sorry you have to deal with that from your own mom. I would imagine that it would hurt even more if were my parents, and not DH's.

The only thing that consoles me (and perhaps it will console you, too - if not today, then someday) is that we make all of our parenting decisions far from the microscope of my ILs. My ILs constantly weigh in on DN's clothes, her homework, what she's eaten. They are used to being allowed to have an opinion about those things and express it. I have no interest in having my mother or MIL watch over my shoulder as I parent. In the long run, we are better off not having them play the same role in our lives as they do in DN's life. But it still really hurts that they are not willing to help us when we REALLY need them.

Absolutely! And I'm sorry for venting in your bp. I was trying to convey a sense of "you're not alone" but I guess I had a bp boil up myself!

[elektra]

That is just horrible, Green_Tea. I don't know how she can justify that. I would be so hurt, especially if I was your DH.
I have IL issues but I guess I should count my blessings that MIL tries really hard to be equal with the grand kids, going out of her way to get everything equal x8.
This makes me want to be aware of how things might seem for any potential kids that my brother has, as my dad lives close to us and is very close to my kids, but my brother lives far away (with no kids yet though).

[crl]

I am sorry, that must be so hurtful. I would be angry too. I hope you find a good solution to the child care dilemma.

Catherine

[Philly Mom]

How awful. I really don't understand favoritism, especially the blatant kinds. I grew up with grandparents who had obvious favorites within our family and also among all the cousins. It became a family joke amongst all the kids by the time we were 6+. My parents were really open with us about it. So I understand your kids perspective. I hope you can find someone who can help with childcare. I agree that I would ask a friend or see if there is anywhere in town providing care.

[dogmom]

I cannot imagine how hurtful that would be. I would want to confront her, although I realize that would do nothing for the situation. I am so sorry for you.

[arivecchi]

Well, if it is any consolation, I think any adult who would behave like that with their own grandchildren has major issues. You are better off without her. I'd cut off all contact and let her reap what she sows. Is your DH livid? Agree with PP that the park district may have a program. Or maybe a Y nearby? Have you tried finding a sitter in care.com? I hope you can figure something out!

[boogiemomz]

Wow. That is just so wrong! Can't believe anybody would treat her grandchildren that way. I'm so sorry for you and your DCs. Hurts terribly, but the loss is hers. Except when you are desperate for child care. I would be seeing red. :angry-smiley-005:

[StantonHyde]

Yeah, that would be the last text/call etc I ever made to that "person". Done. Seriously. Done.

[Indianamom2]

Wow. There really aren't any other words to describe how awful that is. I am so sorry that you and your family are being treated that way...by your own family. Just Wow.

[BunnyBee]

Yeah, that would be the last text/call etc I ever made to that "person". Done. Seriously. Done.

I agree. What if your call prevented her from answering one from SIL? That would be tragic.

I'm sorry she's an ass. :(

[MamaMolly]

I'd call her up and let her have it. And then be done.

[Sweetum]

ugh! that is awful :( I am sorry. have your DC noticed this? I hope not. yep, I wouldn't send any pictures anymore. too much work for you with no return at all.

[Green_Tea]

Thank you all so much for your support. It feels good to know so many people are in my corner.

A few people asked about how my DH deals/reacts. He's rather passive and hates conflict, so he basically just lets it all slide. It doesn't seem to bother him at all, but he's also not at all close with his family. He's very much of the mind that they are the way they are, and it's not worth fighting about or discussing. I disagree, and have told him that it really hurts me that he's unwilling to challenge his parents and call them on their bad behavior.

Tonight I told him that if he is unwilling to confront them on this, that I am pretty much done with dealing with his family. In spite of their poor manners, I am still the one who buys all their xmas and birthday gifts, I am usually the one who coordinates any visits, reminds DH to call for birthdays, etc. I told DH that if the way they treat us is acceptable, or not important to him, that he will have to take over completely. I am too hurt and pissed off by their behavior to continue having a relationship with them.

Again, I really appreciate all the BBB love. You guys rock.

[belovedgandp]

Your plan sounds great. DH grew up with grandmothers who had blatant favorites and it really does create a weird dynamic. All of these were within the same family though so siblings instead of cousins.

Not the same reasons, but yes, I stopped initiating with the ILs. If DH doesn't care enough and they obviously don't care than I'm not putting myself out there for people who are rude. I attempt to treat all my nieces and nephews as fairly as possible and call it a day.

[Nooknookmom]

My ILs live about 2 hours away from us and MIL is retired. MIL is in her early 60s, very active, travels, etc. She NEVER calls, NEVER responds to the pictures I text her, NEVER asks about our kids. Her life completely revolves around our niece, who is a month younger than DD1. When we do speak with my ILs, all they talk about is DN. They attend all her school plays, her recitals, drive her to dance, do homework with her, have her sleep over, take her shopping, host playdates. My ILs are basically a second set of parents to her. They took her on vacation (to a location that her favorite series of books is located in) this summer. Often, when we invite MIL to come visit or attend special events for our kids, she declines - because it conflicts with DN's schedule. This is a CHOICE my ILs have made. DN's parents have plenty of financial resources to arrange for childcare.

Next week I need to go back to work on Monday (I am a teacher). My kids don't start school until Wednesday, so we need two days of childcare. My mom has to work. Our normal babysitters all have commitments, and I am FREAKING OUT because I can't nail down childcare. So DH calls his mom and asks if she could please help us out. Her answer? No. She really wants to be home for DN's first day of school. MIL HAS NEVER SEEN OUR KIDS ON THEIR FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. EVER. SHE HAS NEVER ATTENDED A VIOLIN CONCERT OR A SOFTBALL GAME OR TAKEN OUR KIDS ON VACATION. I can't even the last time she invited us to their house. When she does come here, she brings DN with her. Even if it means taking her out of school.

F@&% you, MIL. We ask you for NOTHING and the one time we really NEED you, you say no. Nice.

Wow that was my MIL with my oldest DD and DH's brothers DD who is the same age as ours. Granted they lived a lot closer but she still played faves and still does. She will get mad at one and play up to the other and so on. Also a 65+ up woman!

I'm sorry. I have t read down it I hope u get some help I TOTALLY have been there wih no hold are and having to work! Heck I'd offer to sit for u if we were close IRL!

I'm so mad at your MIL for you!

[Still-in-Shock]

Green Tea, I was speechless reading your opening post. I'm glad you spoke up to your husband; he probably doesn't understand WHY you are upset, but he needed to understand how upset you ARE! Sending you mojo that you can get help for 2 days that you can brag about to your IL's. "DD simply adores Ms. Poppins! And I never have to worry about my children taking their medicine - Ms. Poppins has convinced them it is delicious!"

[minnie-zb]

Thank you all so much for your support. It feels good to know so many people are in my corner.

A few people asked about how my DH deals/reacts. He's rather passive and hates conflict, so he basically just lets it all slide. It doesn't seem to bother him at all, but he's also not at all close with his family. He's very much of the mind that they are the way they are, and it's not worth fighting about or discussing. I disagree, and have told him that it really hurts me that he's unwilling to challenge his parents and call them on their bad behavior.

Tonight I told him that if he is unwilling to confront them on this, that I am pretty much done with dealing with his family. In spite of their poor manners, I am still the one who buys all their xmas and birthday gifts, I am usually the one who coordinates any visits, reminds DH to call for birthdays, etc. I told DH that if the way they treat us is acceptable, or not important to him, that he will have to take over completely. I am too hurt and pissed off by their behavior to continue having a relationship with them.

Again, I really appreciate all the BBB love. You guys rock.

I can so relate to this. My husband has zero interest in his family and he would never call them, etc. if I didn't prod. I hate nagging about that though, it is ridiculous. He's a grown man and should know how to behave in regards to his family. What bugs me is I think his family hold me responsible for his laissez-faire attitude towards them. Although I'm more of the attitude that you reap what you sow...

[hellokitty]

Thank you all so much for your support. It feels good to know so many people are in my corner.

A few people asked about how my DH deals/reacts. He's rather passive and hates conflict, so he basically just lets it all slide. It doesn't seem to bother him at all, but he's also not at all close with his family. He's very much of the mind that they are the way they are, and it's not worth fighting about or discussing. I disagree, and have told him that it really hurts me that he's unwilling to challenge his parents and call them on their bad behavior.

Tonight I told him that if he is unwilling to confront them on this, that I am pretty much done with dealing with his family. In spite of their poor manners, I am still the one who buys all their xmas and birthday gifts, I am usually the one who coordinates any visits, reminds DH to call for birthdays, etc. I told DH that if the way they treat us is acceptable, or not important to him, that he will have to take over completely. I am too hurt and pissed off by their behavior to continue having a relationship with them.

Again, I really appreciate all the BBB love. You guys rock.

I understand your situation. My dh is the same way with his family, esp his mother. He just feels that since they will always be like this, that he/we shouldn't expect them to behave better and the worst part is that he feels that *I* should be accomodating, which is the part that pisses me off. I feel that if they are poorly behaved, that we are just enabling them to continue by letting them act this way. I have issues with my parents too, but I am much more firm about boundaries with my parents, than dh is with his parents. So, I feel like he doesn't really get a pass on this, b/c my parents are pretty screwed up too.

Oh and yeah, I stopped buying gifts for dh's side of the family a long time ago. They are the most unappreciative ppl about it (will openly complain to your face about the gift not being expensive enough), so I let dh do it and now it basically consists of either giving gift cards, cash or taking them out to an expensive meal, since he doesn't want to be bothered to shop for them either (on my side of the family, most of us put in an effort to buy a thoughtful gift and it is appreciated for the most party. Ironically, my dh is a GREAT gift giver in general, but I guess he realizes that it is wasted effort on his own family. Anyway, cutting off/limiting contact with toxic/dysfunctional family members like this is ok. I have come to terms with the fact that my parents and my in laws will never be, "normal." It sucks, esp when hear/see my friends talk about how involved their parents and in laws are with their kids, and then we have two sets that very obviously do NOT want to be involved with their grandchildren. You just have to accept that this is the way they are and have to keep your expectations at the below negative level when dealing with them. :hug:

[elektra]

It doesn't seem to bother him at all, but he's also not at all close with his family. He's very much of the mind that they are the way they are, and it's not worth fighting about or discussing.

I can relate to this too. DH is quite but not necessarily passive, but he also feels like his dad is not going to change and I have only see DH get confrontational with his dad once. I had an "aha" moment after someone here on the BBB pointed out to me that my DH and his siblings have already given up on his dad and are so used to his bad behavior at this point that they are not phased. It must be the only way they are able to continue any kind of relationship with him. They are all very close though, at least his siblings and mother are, and they somehow all coexist peacefully with the dad too.
I would still be incredibly hurt in your case and I am in no way implying your MILs (or my FILs) behavior is excusable. I think your plan of no longer going out of your way for them makes sense. I gave up on buying any kind of gift for my FIL long ago, and I usually handle that type of thing too. DH just knows not to even ask me now!
I on the other hand, have banged my head against the wall several times when dealing with this man. I think DS sometimes forgets he is his grandfather and calls him, "Uncle Bob" which secretly delights me.

[NJ_Mom2011]

I think that I am in the minority in this, but it is quite possible that your MIL doesn't know how selfish she is, and how pissed off you are. I would tell her, so she at least no longer can delude herself.

My dealings with incredibly selfish people is that they truly don't think how their actions hurt other people. They just lack in empathy, and just never bother to think how the other person feels. Your MIL just thought of her needs (maybe like "I don't want to travel to help out") without realizing that she never has done much for your family, and that this time you very much need her. In her mind, she thinks that she is just a wonderful grandma to all her grandkids. I just find, never underestimate how delusional a selfish person is. Maybe if you directly tell her, she would actually care, and improve her behavior.

[chlobo]

My ILs are like this. They live in the same town as their daughters so dote on their daughters children, talk about them all the time, etc. They used to tell me time and again how they wished they knew our children better but never bothered to do so.

In your shoes I'd be totally pissed and I think its totally reasonable to give the "family duty" over to your DH. It is his family after all.

[StantonHyde]

Oh no, you are not buying ANYTHING for her EVER again. No texts, no phone calls, no nada. Done. Your DH can handle all that. And if she says something, you just direct her to him. You are D.O.N.E. Use all that left over energy to be thrilled that you have such amazing children!!!!