The Blame Game

[indigo99]

Some of you may have seen my post recently about having broken some fluorescent bulbs and getting trapped with DC in my office for several hours. Tonight DH mentioned that he purchased two new bulbs for that light and has put them into the garage so that I won't break them again. I said that it wasn't really my fault which led to a fight.

Apparently he is really peeved about this still and completely blames me. When I said that he was as much to blame as me, he said something about how nothing is ever my fault, and that is why he isn't going to forgive me. I'm not even sure what else he could be referring to, but it's obvious that this is an even bigger issue.

I'm not really big into blaming, and I don't have much of a temper. I'm much more calm when something bad happens, and I just set out to fix it without a lot of drama. He, on the other hand, has more of a temper and gets mad first. Since our personalities are so different in this area, I'm wondering if I actually do need to apologize (he obviously thinks so) so what do you think of this?

The lights in our laundry room haven't been working so we bought new bulbs. The laundry room is a very small room on an interior closet with no natural light. Even with the hall light on, it's really dark in there now. DH tried replacing the old ones and found that the new ones didn't work either. He left the 2 new and 2 old bulbs sitting on top of the washer and dryer.

The next day (he says it was the same day, but it wasn't), I went and started a load of laundry. I could barely see to put the clothes in, but DS needed underwear washed so I did it. I did know that he had tried the new bulbs in there, but I didn't see them in the dark or even think about it at the time. I was just annoyed at having to do laundry in the dark again. Of course the washer hit the spin cycle, and all 4 bulbs hit the floor. DH yelled and cussed and was very mad when it happened. Then he spent hours cleaning it up while I stayed with the boys. I felt really bad about it happening, but I didn't blame him and don't think it was my fault.

[lhafer]

Sounds like he has some other bigger issues on his mind, and this was his tipping point. Might be time for a talk.

And he's more at fault than you in this situation. He shouldn't have just left the, siting on the washer in a dark room. Or at least should have told you they were there.

[georgiegirl]

Totally not your fault!!! I'm sorry he blames you. He put the bulbs somewhere that wasn't secure.

[bigsis]

I voted "peaaanut peanut butter." :duck: It's because (((pls forgive me by saying this))) it's too minute to matter whose fault it is. Now I know I have gotten my feelings hurt with something a LOT less minute than this with my DH, friends, etc. But in the grand scheme of things, as an outsider, I would implore you to sweep this under the rug as obviously something else much bigger is going on in your DH's head. :hug: I know how it's difficult to be with a grumpy DH. As a confession, I do realize I'm difficult when I'm grumpy and my DH and kids have to live with me.

[petesgirl]

I'd have to agree with bigsis--it isn't something I would want to fight over (although I get that this is easier to say since I'm not personally going through it!). I also think you can apologize without admitting guilt. Something along the lines of 'I'm really sorry the bulbs got broken. I honestly had no clue they were there when I started the wash.'

[AshleyAnn]

Sounds like you both made a mistake that led to the bulbs breaking. It happens. If he is seriously angry over it then I agree with the PP that something else is on his mind.

[azzeps]

His reaction to the bulbs breaking says to me that he is angry with himself because he knows he shouldn't have left them there, and he's kicking himself for doing that but on the outside lashing out at you since you started the washer and caused them to fall, and it's harder on oneself to take all the blame, which he probably should, since he left a breakable item in a precarious position. However, it's neither here nor there at this point. I would apologize for the bulbs falling down and tell him you didn't see them and that you're sorry he had to clean it all up, and call it a day. Oh, and call an electrician to repair the fixture for you. :)

[hwin708]

Apparently I have much more of a temper than many here, lol, because I would fight this one to. the. death.

The light bulb was clearly just an accident. No one is to blame. But being a jerk and trying to belittle your partner for an accident - hell to the no. Obviously, everyone has different personalities and dynamics to deal with in their homes, but in mine, being a jerk just isn't okay. The occasional snit, sure. The kind we all move on from 2 minutes later. But actual pouting and raging and basically just going out of your way to make everyone else feel as crappy as you do - nope. Treating the people you love like dirt - nope. Vague references to other issues used as a passive aggressive excuse, but not willing to back it up with any details - nope.

I'd hammer this one into the ground until whatever is at the root is sorted, and we are clear on the kind of environment I'm willing to live in. Which is the kind where I don't have to stress about apologizing to my husband over a single accident.

[niccig]

All this over broken light bulbs :confused:

Yes, cleaning up CFLs is a PITA, but there's definitely more going on if you're still fighting about it days later. The comment about you never doing anything wrong is a red flag that you two need to talk some things out. :hug:

[ZeeBaby]

Agree with PP something else is going on here.

[TwinFoxes]

Maybe he's peeved that he cleaned them up, not you? Like did you wait for him to clean it up? It's still a major overreaction, but it makes slightly more sense. Or, did he tell you they were there and you forgot?

But to answer the question, totally his fault.

[specialp]

DH saying that nothing is ever your fault makes me agree with the others that said there is more going on/past little things that have bothered him and it probably isn't about this situation at all.

We refer to it in my house as "wallpaper" because of an Everybody Loves Raymond episde where he flips his sh*t about wallpaper when he is really ticked off about other stuff. Very funny. So, if one of us has backed into our corner over something that seems small (usually me), the other (usually DH) will say, "Is this about wallpaper?" as a lighthearted way to try and talk about what is really the issue.

[dogmom]

I think it would be helpful to reflect that blame is not always stated out loud. Sometimes instead of being yelled out it is conveyed in a turned shoulder, a sigh, a terse response. All of us fall into patterns we learned from our families as children. My DH gets preemptive cranky at me when he feels he will blamed for something. My MIL NEVER says she is upset, it is always passive. My mother could be the same. (A generation of woman.). So we can both get pretty irked at someone reading wrong signals. He's thinking about a PIA technical problem, I stressing about the pile of laundry. A light bulb falls and we are primed to think the other one is more pissed off than they are. The solution is to reflect and talk about the patterns outside of the incident.

[SnuggleBuggles]

How much did you yell at him and blame him when it happened? Just wondering if your reaction is causing his.

[indigo99]

Like I said, I don't have much of a temper or need to blame. When it happened, I was standing in the hallway looking shocked when he came running and started cursing. When I realized what happened, I shut the office door because the boys were in the office with me, and I didn't want them to go out there. I went online to look up dangers and how to clean it while he started cleaning it up. Then I opened the door and tried to tell him that he should open the windows and let it air out first, and he just started yelling. I probably did yell back that I was sorry but didn't know that they were there and wouldn't have done it on purpose obviously. DS2 wouldn't have let me (without crying at the door non-stop) leave him to go clean it up, and DH wouldn't think I was doing it right anyway so I'm usually the one who babysits while he does chores like that.

I had known that he tried the bulbs the day before, and I remember seeing them on top of the washer when he did that. I didn't even think about it the next day when I went to put laundry in though. These are the long tubes (not compact bulbs) which probably contain more mercury, and we weren't able to get it all up from between the slats in the wood floor so it was a bit of a big deal.

I had forgotten about it until he brought it up and started blaming me. Several months ago, DS was eating oatmeal in a glass bowl when he dropped and broke it on the floor. I got the boys out of the room while DH cleaned it up. He was really mad about that and probably blamed me too so that's probably one of the other things he's thinking of. We usually do use plastic bowls with them, but DS had always eaten oatmeal out of the glass ones because they have straight sides and are easier for him to scoop from. I think he's mad that I react so differently when accidents happen though. I just don't see it as a big deal. Clean it up and move on.

[R2sweetboys]

Apparently I have much more of a temper than many here, lol, because I would fight this one to. the. death.

The light bulb was clearly just an accident. No one is to blame. But being a jerk and trying to belittle your partner for an accident - hell to the no. Obviously, everyone has different personalities and dynamics to deal with in their homes, but in mine, being a jerk just isn't okay. The occasional snit, sure. The kind we all move on from 2 minutes later. But actual pouting and raging and basically just going out of your way to make everyone else feel as crappy as you do - nope. Treating the people you love like dirt - nope. Vague references to other issues used as a passive aggressive excuse, but not willing to back it up with any details - nope.

I'd hammer this one into the ground until whatever is at the root is sorted, and we are clear on the kind of environment I'm willing to live in. Which is the kind where I don't have to stress about apologizing to my husband over a single accident.
:yeahthat: You shouldn't have to worry that your DH is going to go off on you and hold a grudge every time you have an accident! My goodness, what is he looking for from you? I don't understand why anyone has to accept blame here, it was an accident. I understand that he was frustrated when it happened but that does not make it okay for him to yell at you and carry it on for days. Even if it was 100% your "fault"(and it wasn't, HE left them there), you don't deserve to be treated that way. Does he always react this way or is this an isolated incident? Regardless, there seems to be more going on with him that needs to be discussed. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells. :hug:

[twowhat?]

I voted that it's nobody's fault. I'd be really peeved if my DH tried to blame something like that on me. I would NEVER agree that it was my fault. No one was at fault here (well, maybe a little bit your DH because if he was going to leave CFLs in a place like that, even temporarily, he should have at least told you, assuming he knew the dangers of broken bulbs.) But, bottom line is it was totally an accident.

I'm with you though, I also have a DH that I often feel like we are walking on eggshells with. If he's grumpy because he didn't get enough sleep, or something at work pissed him off, watch out. DDs better not even spill a cup of water by accident without him having what I think is an over-the-top reaction. Today was like this. So I totally feel your pain. I often want to scream "JUST TAKE A FREAKIN' CHILL PILL." But I haven't yet:)

And the whole "nothing is ever your fault" - I totally get that too. Because that's me. Very rarely do I think I'm at fault, and that has led to some giant fights. I'm the even-keeled, non-yeller who has done at least SOME homework reading up on parenting techniques. He, I think, is a freakin' hothead and doesn't give the girls even a chance to learn natural consequences. For example, today DD2 got frustrated trying to open a door, so she slapped it. He yelled HEY, and grabbed her up while yelling "You are really trying to test me, aren't you" and she started to cry so then he had to "punish her" for crying and it wasn't even a door that affected him. I was the one on that side of the door who would have helped her if she was having trouble. *I* was in the process of ignoring her until she could ask nicely for help when DH totally ruined it. SO - things like that? Not my fault his day is "ruined" due to "misbehaving kids". So yeah, I'm stubborn about it being not my fault. The house is a mess? Not my fault, have you seen me working every night? It's a problem that we haven't figured out how to deal with. Stubborn + hothead isn't the best combination. Anyway all that's to say - I get it. I definitely think I sometimes give off a "holier than thou" vibe with DH and I definitely place a lot of the blame for our problems on him and I know that's problematic. But I still think I'm right:)

eta: Sorry for the rant. I obviously had a sucky day!