Please help me deal with this situation (long, sorry!)

[randomkid]

Without going into too much detail to avoid losing the point of this post, I will give a little background. DD has a very close friend at school. Her Mom (let's call her Sue) and I have gotten along well in the past, spending time together during playdates and on our own without the girls. The girls have been friends since K and are now in 3rd grade together. In K, Sue and I went out to dinner. After that, she just kind of stopped interacting with me much - don't think I did anything to piss her off, but who knows? Girls were not in 1st together, so we pretty much didn't interact all of 1st grade. In 2nd, they were in the same class again and everything seemed fine. We were talking and visiting again, etc. Then, the next to the last day of school, there was an incident in After Care with another Mom (let's call her Marge) who works in the After Care program but also has a DS in our class. The situation involved DD, Sue's DD and another girl not including a 4th girl. Marge really lost it and was what I considered very inappropriate, mean and verbally abusive to our girls. She told me what happened and I had a very direct and confrontational conversation with her on the phone later that evening. I tried talking to Sue about it, but she was very stressed with work and end of year planning since she was our room mom. She pretty much cut me off and hung up on me. She did call back and apologized, saying everything was ok and she was just stressed. I reached out a couple of times over the summer via text and she never responded, so I gave up. DD literally cried because she and her friend had no playdates over the summer.

Fast forward to now. School has started and I've seen Sue a couple of times. She is polite, says "Hi, how are you?" and moves on. It's weird. So, I'm wondering if Marge said some things to her that were not true (possibly that I said or did something regarding that end of the year situation). I fully suspect this because when the incident happened, Marge told me exactly what she said to the girls (and it was not nice). Later on the phone, she tried to soften it and change what she said, but I confronted her and she admitted she was changing it. I have not had a chance to talk to Sue about the situation and I'm not even sure if that's the issue, but I can only guess at this point. We handled it very differently with our girls and I don't thing she agreed with what I did. Basically, I made Marge apologize to DD, but Sue made her DD apologize to Marge. Well, sorry, but I am not going to make my child apologize to someone who has verbally assaulted her and make my child into a victim of an abuser. DD, on her own, apologized to the 4th girl at the time of the incident, so I felt she had handled it well. Marge, not so much. BTW, Marge and I have moved past the incident, we are pleasant to one another, have conversations, etc. but she will never be my best friend as I know I can't trust her.

Here is where I need help. I want to talk to Sue, but am not sure what I want to say or how to initiate it. It doesn't matter if I call, text or email, she can choose to ignore any of them. I would like some input from you on what you feel would be the best avenue to open up a conversation and what to say to start a conversation without making assumptions or putting her off . So far, I have only seen her in situations that were not appropriate for such a conversation. I am not one for drama and normally, I'd say screw it I don't have time for this and get on with my life (ironically, I was looking forward to a friendship with this Mom because I thought she would be drama free - wrong, I guess). But, we are at a small private school and our girls are very close. They will play together, we will be at school functions and birthday parties together, probably for years to come. I just want the opportunity to end the awkwardness because I cannot stand it! I also want the chance to "clear my name" and tell my side of the story if the above incident is what has come between us. Thanks for any insights you may have and for your help!

[icunurse]

I would probably not mention the incident, since it seems like you guys had at least touched on it in the past and chose to handle it differently. Even if Marge did turn the situation around a bit, you and Sue had had a prior relationship that would hopefully overcome a blip if Sue was interested in a further friendship. Maybe Sue has enough Mommy friends or is too busy or whatever. But there is nothing wrong with your DD's being BFF's and you and Sue just being friendly. If it were me, I'd try and keep the talk to just little chats, not daily stalking, and just try to feel more comfortable in talking without further expectations.

[minnie-zb]

I understand you feel uncomfortable, but I think the best thing would be to let it go and let it die a natural death. Eventually it will fade to the background. I don't think the other mom is going to be receptive to rehashing. You don't need to be good friends with her for your girls to enjoy each other. Continue to be polite and friendly, but leave it at that.

[HannaAddict]

It happened so long ago that I would leave it alone or risk seeming weird. You have touched on it, handled it differently, I wouldn't bet on Marge having anything to do with it at this point. Like any interaction, there are two or three sides to any story but it doesn't make it an attempt to besmirch you. I wouldn't read too much into lack of summer play dates. She's a working mom and probably had kids in camp and lots going on. Just take it easy and maybe see if she wants to have coffee sometime later. Sorry.

[123LuckyMom]

I agree that you should leave it alone. Explaining or rehashing is not going to be helpful. You will not change anyone's opinion about what happened, but you may further upset people. Your takes on the situation were clearly opposite and reflected different values. Sue held her DD's good behavior and respect for authority paramount. You held your DD's feelings paramount. Even if Sue doesn't have the whole story, the incident is long in the past. I'm sure she left it behind her long ago, and, though the incident and each if your reactions to it may be influencing Sue's behavior towards you, your continuing to insist how in the wrong Marge was is only likely to widen the rift, not repair it.

[randomkid]

I agree that you should leave it alone. Explaining or rehashing is not going to be helpful. You will not change anyone's opinion about what happened, but you may further upset people. Your takes on the situation were clearly opposite and reflected different values. Sue held her DD's good behavior and respect for authority paramount. You held your DD's feelings paramount. Even if Sue doesn't have the whole story, the incident is long in the past. I'm sure she left it behind her long ago, and, though the incident and each if your reactions to it may be influencing Sue's behavior towards you, your continuing to insist how in the wrong Marge was is only likely to widen the rift, not repair it.

I have no intention of rehashing the incident or insisting how wrong Marge was. However, if that is the root of the problem, doesn't it seem like friends should be able to have a conversation and mend fences. Marge and I did.

FWIW, this is a private Christian school. The only thing that happened was that DD and her friends wanted to finish up their game, then include this 4th girl. Marge did not feel this was happening fast enough (she has issues with being mistreated by "mean girls" in school - she has told me this). I think she projected her feelings onto our girls. The girls were truly not being mean, just being kids who needed some guidance. Sue's DD spoke out to Marge and actually said "When we finish this game, X can play with us". So, yeah, she should have apologized to an authority figure for that. My DD and the other girl just sat there. Marge felt they should have stood up and said 'Oh, no! We're going to play with X now". Sue's DD is very outgoing and has a strong personality - not in a bad way. I love this girl, she's just different than DD. DD is more quiet and not likely to stand up to someone like that. DD and the 3rd girl were just following the leader in their group. I even talked to DD's teacher about this incident and she said "Marge lost it, didn't she?" and when I explained her expectations of DD, she said "Well, she just wouldn't do that". I did use this as a teachable moment, though, and talked to DD about standing up to someone in the wrong. DD apologized to the little girl at the time. I didn't think she owed an apology to Marge. Normally, I would have had her apologize to an authority figure, but after Marge repeatedly yelled at these girls that they were being "meanie girls" and "We are in a Christian school. You aren't supposed to treat others like that", "I don't know why you even go to this school", "You aren't Christian enough to go to this school, you should just go to public school!", she was no longer an authority figure in my opinion. She just became an angry, bitter person taking her personal issues out on little kids. She raised her voice to them (she told me all of this). DD said all the kids got quiet and were listening. She was quite embarrassed. Marge needed to apologize to all of them. I was not going to make DD apologize to her after that, esp when I didn't think DD was really in the wrong here. DD went and talked to the little girl, tried to include her, etc. and this girl was mean to DD when she did, but Marge didn't know this until I told her. The whole incident was handled poorly and Marge was inappropriate and out of control. DD was sobbing when I got her in the car. She told me Sue's DD was crying in the bathroom. You just don't do that to little kids. So, yeah, Mama Bear came out and I'm sure if I had posted this on here at the time, I would have been told that Marge was out of line and I was right to confront her (with my DD crying uncontrollably in the background, btw). Honestly, this whole thing should have been a non-issue. Marge should have directed the kids appropriately, disciplined, whatever as that is her job. Instead, she caused some very hurt feelings and made a HUGE deal out of an everyday occurrence.

So, having said that, I do not wish to have a long drawn out conversation with Sue, but I do think Marge was probably not completely honest with her about what happened. She didn't talk to Sue about it until hours later. I heard about it right after it happened, so Marge was still worked up and told me honestly everything she said.

I can let the friendship go if I have to. I'd rather not, but whatever at this point. I just want to have an open dialogue with her to clear the air so we can be pleasant at school and social gatherings. I don't feel like it's even pleasant at this point. There's a big pink elephant in the room that needs to be dealt with to get to a comfortable level again. FWIW, I see her husband a lot and he's been fine with me.

[KpbS]

If you feel you must have a conversation with her about it (which I get) then I would ask her to lunch. I wouldn't start the conversation off discussing that topic though. Be prepared that she may not accept the offer to go to lunch or may decline to talk about the incident all together or things could be even more strained than before if the conversation didn't go well. :( It's a risk for sure. I understand you wanting things to go back to "normal."

Hugs.

[liz]

Honestly, I wouldn't even bring up the incident at all. I would however reach out to her and ask her out for lunch, or something similar where you could actually talk. Say something along the lines of "I feel like we haven't had a chance to talk much lately and I would love for a chance to catch up" and then mention a specific day. If you leave it open ended it may be a bit awkward to try and firm up a date that works for both of you. Good luck, I understand wanting to reconnect with friends.

eta, I would bring up the Marge situation only if Sue does, otherwise I wouldn't revisit it. Water under the bridge so to speak.