Trying to talk to a mom about her job, she says "Call me at my office"

[american_mama]

This isn't the best title, but something came up today that kind of baffled me. There is a mom whose kids are in sports my child. She works for the county coordinating a very popular youth program with many classes. I emailed her at her job earlier in the week asking which level would be right for my kids, and she responded in detail. This is all normal, part-of-her job stuff. But I still had questions about what she said and saw her today at sports, where it appeared she was just hanging out, waiting for her kids to finish. So I re-introduced myself, she remembered me and my email, and I started asking questions. She answered a little, then said she could answer better at her office when she could review the skills at each level. Ok. I kind of thought she knew that stuff by heart, but maybe not. So I switch to my other kid and another series of questions basically asking who did she ask about my child's previous experience in class, because I thought some of her answers didn't make sense and there might have been a case of mistaken identity. She answers a little, then gets vague, and says she can really answer better in her office.

The distinct impression I had is that she felt like she didn't want to talk about work stuff on her own time. I could understand that in a way, but I thought she was just killing time anyway, so I wasn't stopping her from doing something by talking about work stuff. And the first set of questions, about what skills were in which level, are the exact same questions I would have asked any parent whose child took the class. It's just how parents get info. from other parents. I mean, she's not a doctor who I was asking to diagnose my kid on the soccer field, or some situation that clearly crosses lines between professional and private. I'm just asking her follow-up questions about a county youth class that she coordinates. I mean, if I'd switched subjects to talk about a topic unrelated to her job - like how her child likes her teacher this year - would she suddenly have time for me? I ended up feeling like I'd made a huge faux paus (which I cannot spell) over something that I thought was friendly, helpful, information-sharing parent talk. Am I missing something?

[123LuckyMom]

Well, yeah. As someone whose former job meant that she was constantly being confronted outside of work hours with work related questions, I can tell you that it made me never want to go anywhere! It's just not nice to have to work outside of the office, especially when you're just trying to relax and be with your family. Please don't be irritated with her. Have some sympathy for the fact that she's trying hard to guard her down time and email or call her with questions during her office hours as she requested.

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

I'm guessing she just didn't want to talk about work outside of work. I can understand that. It sounds like she tried to rebuff the work related questions by saying she could remember better at work and then you started asking more questions about your other child. From what you have written, you don't seem to respect her job as being professional.

[StantonHyde]

I thought she did a very nice job of politely and specifically saying "I'm not at work and I don't want to talk work on my own time". I realize you had questions you wanted answered--but you could just email her. She is a mom. She wasn't just hanging out. She was hanging on to some precious down time. Doesn't matter what her job is--she needs it!!!

[wellyes]

I mean, she's not a doctor who I was asking to diagnose my kid on the soccer field, or some situation that clearly crosses lines between professional and private. I'm just asking her follow-up questions about a county youth class that she coordinates.

Why is asking her work questions different than asking a doctor work questions?

I don't think it's horrible that you asked or anything, but I would respect the boundaries that she set. I think she acted appropriately.

[Globetrotter]

I always loved to talk about my work to anyone who would listen :) but I can totally understand she wanted to escape her work. I think it was fine.. and she also might have more information in her office.

[TxCat]

I agree with the PPs - even though it might not have seemed like you were asking much, I can imagine that with a job like hers she gets similar questions constantly from other parents in the community outside of work hours and that would get old really quickly. She's just trying to maintain appropriate boundaries for herself.

[squimp]

I like to talk about my work as well, but I can understand. It sounds like she had to tell you several times that she'd prefer to talk when she's at work, she might have the info in front of her then. It didn't sound like you asked her if it was OK to ask a few questions - I might start with a question like that to grease the wheels.

[TwinFoxes]

I thought she did a very nice job of politely and specifically saying "I'm not at work and I don't want to talk work on my own time". I realize you had questions you wanted answered--but you could just email her. She is a mom. She wasn't just hanging out. She was hanging on to some precious down time. Doesn't matter what her job is--she needs it!!!

:yeahthat: You should have dropped it.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Why is asking her work questions different than asking a doctor work questions?

I don't think it's horrible that you asked or anything, but I would respect the boundaries that she set. I think she acted appropriately.

Re. The first part...I do feel its different with some professions bc of liability implications.

But, I agree w the second part.

[HonoluluMom]

I thought she did a very nice job of politely and specifically saying "I'm not at work and I don't want to talk work on my own time". I realize you had questions you wanted answered--but you could just email her. She is a mom. She wasn't just hanging out. She was hanging on to some precious down time. Doesn't matter what her job is--she needs it!!!

:yeahthat:

[ZeeBaby]

I thought she did a very nice job of politely and specifically saying "I'm not at work and I don't want to talk work on my own time". I realize you had questions you wanted answered--but you could just email her. She is a mom. She wasn't just hanging out. She was hanging on to some precious down time. Doesn't matter what her job is--she needs it!!!

Totally agree with this.

[niccig]

I read it as her a) not wanting to deal with a work question during her own time and b) not wanting to give our information until she can check details. I bet anything this is not the first time another parent asked her about the program at an event for her kids and she gave information that later turned out to be incorrect for the situation and she had to deal with the fall out.

This also wasn't parents sharing information about a class. You KNOW she coordinates the program, you were asking her as the coordinator as you had specific q. about who she asked about your child.

Call her during office hours about the program.

[bisous]

I had a job that meant I got lots of calls/contacts during my personal time. It was TOUGH. I liked my job and liked helping out but the sheer volume of helping others when I need to do things like grocery shop was completely overwhelming and stressful. I wouldn't worry going forward, she is probably used to it, but I'd call when she is at work. :)

[minnie-zb]

I'm guessing she just didn't want to talk about work outside of work. I can understand that. It sounds like she tried to rebuff the work related questions by saying she could remember better at work and then you started asking more questions about your other child. From what you have written, you don't seem to respect her job as being professional.

:yeahthat:

[KpbS]

Some people truly do love to talk about their job anytime, anywhere so I think that it is fine that you asked. It got a little weird when she seemed unsure about what she was saying. Perhaps she didn't want to mistakenly give you wrong advice (maybe she's had a bad experience with that in the past) or was mixed up about which kid/which skill level/class etc. so instead of coming across as incompetent she wanted to have all of the information in front of her. Or perhaps there is some restructuring of kids/groupings/classes that is being implemented or people have complained about her performance in the recent past and now she is extra sensitive about work duties. There really are so many possibilities. She probably wasn't trying to seem cold or weird and regretted the conversation going poorly.

[BunnyBee]

I thought she did a very nice job of politely and specifically saying "I'm not at work and I don't want to talk work on my own time". I realize you had questions you wanted answered--but you could just email her. She is a mom. She wasn't just hanging out. She was hanging on to some precious down time. Doesn't matter what her job is--she needs it!!!

Yes, this. Don't expect her to work for free. Call when she's at the office, getting paid for answering your questions.

[HannaAddict]

I wouldn't expect her to know at all "by heart: and she shouldn't have to think or answer those questions. Contact her at work if need be, it is her job, but don't expect her to give advice or info off house. She was totally in the right.

[mackmama]

I thought she did a very nice job of politely and specifically saying "I'm not at work and I don't want to talk work on my own time". I realize you had questions you wanted answered--but you could just email her. She is a mom. She wasn't just hanging out. She was hanging on to some precious down time. Doesn't matter what her job is--she needs it!!!

Yeh that- totally agree.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I read it as her a) not wanting to deal with a work question during her own time and b) not wanting to give our information until she can check details. I bet anything this is not the first time another parent asked her about the program at an event for her kids and she gave information that later turned out to be incorrect for the situation and she had to deal with the fall out.


:yeahthat: this was exactly my thought too. She probably didn't want to mistakenly give out the wrong information. im sure this has happened to her before. id cut her some slack. its really hard for me to think about work stuff on weekends, outside of work when I'm not in the middle of it.

[alexsmommy]

...but I thought she was just killing time anyway, so I wasn't stopping her from doing something by talking about work stuff.

Well, yes, you were. Clearly from your post, not intentionally, but you were stopping her from having a mental break from her job


And the first set of questions, about what skills were in which level, are the exact same questions I would have asked any parent whose child took the class.

Yes, which would be fine with someone where it wasn't their job, but when it's your job, you get tired of talking about it, and her case probably tired of answering questions about it so she probably looks forward to her "off" time. Also as a PP said, she most likely also feels responsible to give 100% accurate information in a way another parent would not.

I mean, she's not a doctor who I was asking to diagnose my kid on the soccer field, or some situation that clearly crosses lines between professional and private.

No, but there is still a line for many people between professional and personal time. I know many people in many professions who get tired of being "ambushed" on their personal time for questions regarding their professional expertise - plumbers asked about leaking toilets, mechanics about strange sounds a car is making, IT help desk personnel asked about a crashed personal computer...some don't mind this, others do and as pp's have said, it sounds like she politely attempted to set a boundary.

I'm just asking her follow-up questions about a county youth class that she coordinates. I mean, if I'd switched subjects to talk about a topic unrelated to her job - like how her child likes her teacher this year - would she suddenly have time for me?

Yes, most likely, unless she just wasn't in a mood to talk at all, which is fair enough as well.

We all make mistakes and miss cues. I'd just preface my email with an apology along the lines of, "In hindsight, I want to apologize for asking you questions related to your job on your personal time. I have gotten so used to finding out information regarding kids activities in the downtime at games with other parents, I didn't stop to think that for you this particular subject is different when discussing X program. Thanks in advance for answering my more specific questions below."

[twowhat?]

:yeahthat: this was exactly my thought too. She probably didn't want to mistakenly give out the wrong information. im sure this has happened to her before. id cut her some slack. its really hard for me to think about work stuff on weekends, outside of work when I'm not in the middle of it.

This was my first thought too. I can't answer questions well when I'm not at my computer. The person on the other line may think I know what I'm talking about and that I'm a total expert but no....it's because I'm at my computer looking up info on the fly:) My brain can't handle the volume of data that my computer can. But my brain can handle how I organize it all on my computer. My computer also has a MUCH better memory.