Telling DC 'You could have died' - do you talk about death regarding behavior?

[magnoliaparadise]

I'm curious whether people tell their kids that they could have died or been killed in the face of very dangerous behavior.

I was visiting a friend and gathering us to go out and my DD (5.5) shot out of the house and crossed the street. It was a tiny street in a little development, but I was upset. She knows not to do that and has never before. I made her come back and do a time out.

I said, not calmly: 'Never ever do that. you could have been hit by a car and gotten REALLY hurt. You could have been taken to the hospital for a long long time. You would not have been able to do the things we have been planning (x, y, z) or see the your friends (a, b, c) who you want to see. I was scared for your safety.'

Note: my kid hates hospitals so I knew that would upset her.

My friends in the other room could hear me and I heard one say - not judgmentally, but matter of factly, 'I would have just told her that she could have gotten killed,' and the other respond, 'yeah, that they would be dead, end of story.'

I have been wondering about just this point. I usually stop short of mentioning death because I don't want to scare my kid.

In your person opinion, is talking about death helpful (ie a deterrent) or too hurtful (ie increasing fear of death, which is already scary for little kids grappling with it).

What do you say? And at what age?

Two other things:

Behavior towards others: when you DC puts their younger sibling in danger (eg extreme rough play, etc), do you say, 'you could have killed her/him?'

And also, how graphic are you? I have a friend who freaked out when her DC was trying to put her fingers in a fan and went into extreme details that I would not have gone into.

[Green22]

I never say it but my oldest is about 3.5. Maybe with a grade school child who understands the concept? I also wouldnt want to unnecessarily frighten them, but i see the importance of them knowing how serious it could be.

Idk, i will be watching this.

I am afraid to say or talk about stuff like that. It is like voldemort-he who must not be named. Too much anxiety on my part to even utter the words.

[Melaine]

I would never ever say that to my kids but they are cautious, anxiety prone and would never ever run out in the street. They don't really do anything dangerous. Now, as it stands now DS is on track to be the complete opposite. If he is as much of a risk taker in a few years as he is now then I may very well pull that out and use it. It's all about knowing your child. I think it was really odd and inappropriate the other adult to comment on your parenting in that way and also that their opinion was irrelevant under the circumstances.

ETA: I know that my mom would never have said anything like that to me, because I was cautious, fairly level-headed and also somewhat anxiety prone as a kid (still am). Such a comment would have really stuck with me in a negative way. My sister on the other hand, 9.5 years younger was a free spirit who loved taking risks (still is) and I know my mom used much more graphic and realistic language when cautioning her. It didn't faze her. It's all about knowing the child.

[TwinFoxes]

I don't say it, because I think for kids being hurt and being in the hospital is an easier concept, and therefore more effective. Sometimes my DDs (who can be ghoulish) will say "could I have DIED" and I say yes. They have no problem talking about death, but they don't get it.

FWIW, my girls are not cautious at all. Deep end of the pool, top of monkey bars, climbing rocks? That's the place for them!

[TwinFoxes]

I think it was really odd and inappropriate the other adult to comment on your parenting in that way and also that their opinion was irrelevant under the circumstances.



:yeahthat: I'm trying to hear a non-judgy version of that in my head, but having trouble!

[icunurse]

OK, my youngest is six, I am a trauma nurse, and I tend to be blunt. So take what I say with a grain of salt. :)

Yes, I have always told my kids what can happen if they do something dangerous. I don't get into gruesome details, but they do know that with certain things, they could die, go to heaven and never see us again (as well as their friends and pets - important things). They know that you can get killed or not walk again if you get him by a car or not wear your seatbelt. They know that playing with their knife can poke their eye and make them blind. They know what can happen when you dive into a shallow pool, not wear a helmet when on a bike, and a bunch of other stuff. Of course, it doesn't necessarily stop their behavior, they are kids, but they do know the consequences and I hope that will stick in their mind at some point.

[Pinky]

We also say the same thing you did about getting hurt and going to the hospital etc, but our 3.5 yo doesn't understand about death as a consequence.

[Simon]

I think you did the right thing. Kids at your Dc's age don't really understand death, they don't grasp it as permanent so its not always as effective as it might be with older kids/adults. I think what you said is fine. Also, for an older but sensitive child it can be too much to take in.

ETA: I do talk with Ds1 about how foods could kill Ds3 or harm other children. He's sensitive so I don't do it often, but we do sometimes let our older kids eat unsafe foods, so we have to be sure they understand not to feed Ds3 without checking with us first. I also don't want my friendly Ds offering foods to random toddlers at a picnic/park.

[Beckylove]

I don't. I don't want to scare DS. DH does it without thinking. Yesterday DS wanted to know, "what happens when you bother snakes?" DH gave him a detailed description on snake bites, venomous snakes and asphyxiation. Great. But DS seemed satisfied, not freaked out. So maybe he is ready for more factual info than I'm ready to give.

[elephantmeg]

yes I do. My poor kids know a thousand ways you can die. Partly because of the nature of my job (I'm a nursing coordinator who deals with deaths and DOA's (dead on arrival) and have seen/heard of lots of ways kids can die). I also talk about having to go to the "big hospital" (UVA) as DD was there for 2 weeks after a burn and has some vague memories of that. However I would never tell another parent that they should tell their kids that. My kids aren't particularly sensitive about this, but I wouldn't do it for other kids

[egoldber]

Ugh. I had this EXACT conversation with younger DD last weekend when she darted away from me in the parking lot at a busy rest stop on I-95. A car did almost hit her, but fortunately the driver saw her in time. I really went off on her in the parking lot and told her exactly what could have happened. She was sobbing, but frankly I wanted her to! I aged 10 years in that moment.

[Green_Tea]

I do tell my kids that things can kill them, or that dangerous behavior can lead to death (running in the street, holding a pillow over someone's face, holding someone down in a pool). I WANT them to be scared of some things, and for whatever reason the possibly of enormous, painful, disfiguring injury doesn't phase them.

ETA - My kids are older now, but they knew that dangerous behavior could lead to death from a pretty young age - like maybe 4 or 5? DS in particular was a big daredevil and needed very black and white reasons why he couldn't do things like crawl out the window onto the roof. :shrug: My kids aren't that sensitive, I guess, and we always have treated death as a fact of life, not something kids should be sheltered from. I am also probably influenced by the fact that I had a childhood friend who's young brother DID die after being hit by a car when he was playing in the street. It's not a remote, scary possibility to me - it's a reality.

[randomkid]

I think it depends on your child and only you know your child best. I don't think a 3yo would really grasp the concept unless they have experienced death. When DD was 3yo, our dog died, so she had somewhat of an understanding of the permanency of it. The next year, my FIL passed away and DD was 4yo - she totally understood and was devastated. DD is a very sensitive girl and actually worries about "dying too early", so I would never say it to her. She is now 8yo and has a good understanding of death. I do teach her about safety and consequences of risky behavior, but I don't say "You could have died!"

[wellyes]

I think 5-6 is borderline. I wouldn't for a kid younger than that. I certainly would for a 7-8 year old.

I haven't had to have that conversation with my 5 year old but I think I would use death. I think most 5 year olds can and should understand that really terrible things can happen if they aren't safe. I've told DD, after she ran off to chat with a stranger AGAIN, that there are people who like to hurt children so she should be careful. I think the concept of grownups deliberately hurting children is as scary as death, at that age.

I don't really use going to the hospital as a 'threat' to keep her safe because she's been to the ER a few times and it's not been that awful. She had a broken finger and the xray technician told her jokes, or she was sick and got better. There is no frame of reference for her for a hospital being as bad as it is.

[hillview]

Ugh. I had this EXACT conversation with younger DD last weekend when she darted away from me in the parking lot at a busy rest stop on I-95. A car did almost hit her, but fortunately the driver saw her in time. I really went off on her in the parking lot and told her exactly what could have happened. She was sobbing, but frankly I wanted her to! I aged 10 years in that moment.

It depends on the child IME. DS1 never needed that kind of language to get it. DS2 NEEDS to be told in some graphic detail. He has poor impulse control and is not prone to worrying about it afterwards. That said even at 5 he didn't really get die, I found it more helpful to talk about being in the hospital in pain and missing birthday parties, Christmas etc (I am graphic that way but he needs to understand). ALL that said it doesn't seem appropriate to tell SOMEONE ELSE'S child that.

[bigsis]

I have mentioned in the past that so and so behaviour could have resulted in death. I don't add graphic details to it, but then I'd add "...and I would be the saddest mommy ever and I would miss you soooo terribly..."

[maestramommy]

Oh yes, we do. We are very blunt about the ways they could be seriously injured or even killed when they do careless or reckless things. Esp. on our street. We have no sidewalk, so we have to walk and ride bikes in the street. We warn them about weaving all over without watching where they are going. We also warn them about jumping on the bed, esp. because they keep asking for a bunkbed. Yesterday I had to tell them about a coyote sighting on our dog walk, and why they shouldn't run way ahead when we walk Shep. This morning we told them why they need to stay away when we are mowing the lawn with the tractor, and why they should NEVER approach from behind. They are getting more aware, and their responses indicate they have an idea of what could happen if they are not careful or don't do what we say.

My kids used to say, "but when we die we go to be with God, right?" like that makes it okay. We had to explain yes, but we would be very very sad if that happened. They don't say that much anymore during these convos. We have always been matter-of-fact when talking to them about death, explaining what it means, from the very beginning. The town cemetery is across the street from our church, so it comes up.

[BunnyBee]

I don't think a 5 year old can truly grasp "dead." Your daughter understands hospitals. You clearly emphasized the seriousness of her actions in a way you thought would make the biggest and most appropriate impact on her.

[123LuckyMom]

I don't think a 5 year old can truly grasp "dead." Your daughter understands hospitals. You clearly emphasized the seriousness of her actions in a way you thought would make the biggest and most appropriate impact on her.

Exactly! What you said would have more of an impact. When I was little, though, my mother took a grape and squished it with her foot right in front of me to show how I could get squished like a grape. It became a family expression, and I've done it with DS. It's a good visual, but I didn't do it in the heat of the moment, just at a neutral time.

[TwinFoxes]

BTW, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with saying "you could have died" if it means something. Just with my kids, it is more effective to say hurt really badly etc.

[hellokitty]

I'm a nurse too and I am blunt with my kids about just how dangerous the situation could have been or what the outcome could have been. If it's a serious situation like that , I don't really have a problem if it scared them enough do that thru don't do the same thing again.

Sent from my SPH-L720 using Tapatalk 4

[lalasmama]

"God didn't give Dr Jody extra heads at the hospital. If you break your head, they don't have a new one to give you. And, if you break your head and they can fix it, they shave it bald. As bald as Daddy!" That's enough for DD in most cases. She loves her hair, lol, and the thought of having it shaved to fix her head scares her to no end. I've used some form of this since she was 5 or 6. She's a kid who needs to know what can happen, and some detail to it. We've used it in relation to helmet use, running around cars, climbing/leaning over in inappropriate areas (ie, amusement parks, the waterfall hike we did recently)... Just about anywhere we can. Of note, while it works well, she's a generally cautious child, and sometimes I think it may have worked too well, because she wants to know if there's any chance of head trauma before she does anything high, and wants every form of safety equipment possible.

[megs4413]

Yes, I do tell them they could have died. Usually I explain whatever the specific risk is associated with the unwanted behavior. Sometimes the risks include death. Sometimes they don't.

Additionally, my son has a life-threatening allergy. So, for my kids, they know (and need to) understand that death is a possibility in cases of recklessness.

I wouldn't ever presume to tell you (if I had been there) what you should have said in that moment, though. I don't understand why anyone would.

[carolinacool]

I wouldn't ever presume to tell you (if I had been there) what you should have said in that moment, though. I don't understand why anyone would.

My impression was that they were in another room, and were talking to each other -- and not the OP -- about what they would have said.

I have told my 3.5-year-old that he will get hurt and die if he keeps running away from me in parking lots. He has a concept of "hurt." He doesn't have a concept of death yet, so I probably don't need to say it now, but I will have no problem saying it even when he does understand. I don't mind him being scared of some things.

[squimp]

I don't think I would have said "you could have died" but I have let her know she could have been hurt. I also convey my sense of worry, that I was scared and that is why I yelled. At 5.5 they should have a concept of this - if mom is scared, it's a big deal, it's a problem.

I had the issue of DD running off when she was little and hiding under the racks in stores. I definitely showed her how scared I was. I didn't tell her how she could have been taken by a stranger, because that wasn't age appropriate at the time. Since then, though we have had many talks about dangerous stuff and what to do if someone grabs you. I do know parents in DD's extended circle of friends who have scared their kids half to death about this stuff, so there is definitely a fine line between too much and too little info.

[magnoliaparadise]

OP here - your views are really interesting. Thank you.

I wanted to clarify that yes, two friends were in another room listening to me reprimand my daughter and talked to each other about it. I happened to overhear them as I was talking to my DD, but they weren't trying to preach to me - and maybe it's cultural (we are from different ones), but they really weren't being judgmental at all. They were kind of almost being wry with each other about how they would be with their children almost as in 'oh, I would have been so much tougher on my DC than Magnolia!' - but not in a mean way to me. I didn't take offense to it at all.

I like what people said about 'I'd be the saddest mommy in the world'. I don't say that, but I often say, 'I would never forgive myself.' For some reason, this has a deep impact on my DD and she actually uses it with her younger sister, telling her that when she is trying to keep her from something DD1 deems dangerous.

My DD does have knowledge of death more than other kids her age based on the fact that a loved one died and we talk about him all the time. But it's actually that fact that makes me want to use the 'threat' of death less, not more, which seems to be opposite of what most people would say here . I think it frightens her so much that I don't want to scare her unnecessarily. Though, of course, 'unnecessarily' is a gray line - maybe it's necessary.

Someone mentioned what to say about talking to strangers - this is the SAME issue as death: It's only lately that I have straight out told my DD that the REASON I need her not to talk to strangers or walk out with them in stores is that some of them are bad. I never told her that before because I wanted to shield her from the fact that some people are bad and hurt children.

[StantonHyde]

OK, my youngest is six, I am a trauma nurse, and I tend to be blunt. So take what I say with a grain of salt. :)

Yes, I have always told my kids what can happen if they do something dangerous. I don't get into gruesome details, but they do know that with certain things, they could die, go to heaven and never see us again (as well as their friends and pets - important things). They know that you can get killed or not walk again if you get him by a car or not wear your seatbelt. They know that playing with their knife can poke their eye and make them blind. They know what can happen when you dive into a shallow pool, not wear a helmet when on a bike, and a bunch of other stuff. Of course, it doesn't necessarily stop their behavior, they are kids, but they do know the consequences and I hope that will stick in their mind at some point.

DH is an ER MD, so my kids are VERY familiar with what can happen if they make bad choices. (usually just from DH discussing what he did at work the night before) I can't use "you'll have to go to the doctor or hospital or ER" because those are fun places to go for my kids--it means they get to see daddy.

I say use whatever gets through to your kids. And I think lots of kids don't understand what dying really means so I don't know that it is effective for them. Heck if telling them that if they do X it means they never get to have chocolate again works, then that is what you should do!

[egoldber]

FWIW, I would never have talked to my older DD in the same way. She is very anxious and internalizes. But OTOH, she would also never have run away from me in a parking lot! It was all I could do to get her to cross a street at 10!

[wellyes]

I'm really struck by the fact the healthcare workers who see real trauma are the frankest about death. It makes me think it is the way to go; that if I saw what they saw, I'd be more scared of the consequences of shielding kids from the facts than of causing anxiety about death.

[egoldber]

Before I had the incredibly stubborn kid with impulse control issues, I would have thought this was way too harsh. But for some kids, vague intimations about harm and the hospital don't cut it. They need to be explicitly told the real consequences.

I have more issues with linking death to talking to strangers. Because the VAST majority of strangers are not harmful and there will be times when a kid is expected to talk to strangers and may even need to in order to get help (if they get lost, etc.). But telling them the consequences of running in front of a moving motor vehicle is pretty direct and concrete.

[Green_Tea]

I have more issues with linking death to talking to strangers. Because the VAST majority of strangers are not harmful and there will be times when a kid is expected to talk to strangers and may even need to in order to get help (if they get lost, etc.). But telling them the consequences of running in front of a moving motor vehicle is pretty direct and concrete.

I agree. I am pretty frank with my kids about dangers like swimming unattended, seat belts, and being careful near traffic, but I would never link death and strangers. As egoldber said, the chances that a stranger is dangerous are quite slim, and in an emergency situation a stranger could be a child's best friend. I do not want my child to fear strangers (though we do discuss sneaky people.)

[maestramommy]

Before I had the incredibly stubborn kid with impulse control issues, I would have thought this was way too harsh. But for some kids, vague intimations about harm and the hospital don't cut it. They need to be explicitly told the real consequences.

I have more issues with linking death to talking to strangers. Because the VAST majority of strangers are not harmful and there will be times when a kid is expected to talk to strangers and may even need to in order to get help (if they get lost, etc.). But telling them the consequences of running in front of a moving motor vehicle is pretty direct and concrete.

ITA with all of this. We really try to be more nuanced in our convos re:strangers. But for stuff like running into the street, or running ahead of me in the parking lot, it's totally black and white. DD1 is super cautious, so we wouldn't need to do this. But for the younger two, you gotta hit em over the head with a hammer, esp. DD2. It's like she doesn't get it unless you use explicit language.

[BayGirl2]

Interesting thread because I did use death in a warning to DS last week, for the first time. It was in a calm discussion we had about jumping on his bed, near a window. He's fallen off before and gotten hurt but continues to do it. I had just heard stories from 2 friends of kids jumping on beds and going through the 2nd story window and dying, so I felt like I really needed to convince him to stop doing it. I sat him down and said some kids had jumped on their bed and got really, really hurt. Somehow in the conversation really really hurt got connected to dying. He's talked about being dead lately, I think its a word going around school.

At the end of the convo I said it was his choice to stop jumping on the bed (we aren't always there to police him) and he said he would not do it. I also told him he could help his sister not get hurt that way because she jumps when he does. He is 4. I do think he understands, although maybe not the full permanence of death. He's a serious kid but has become more adventurous lately, maybe bc his 2 yo sister is a daredevil. It seemed to work, I haven't seen him try to jump since we talked.

I agree this is rally specific to the kid and needs to be done gently, not in a mean or light tone.

[crayonblue]

I'm 100% fine using death as a warning. DD1 is very aware of death since her sister died three years ago. There are real dangers out there and I don't think padding the truth helps much at all. I'm not going to scare my kids into being anxious about everything but they do need to know that their actions can have serious consequences.

[elektra]

I definitely am truthful and have told my kids they could die, get seriously injured, feel the worst pain of their lives, and leave me the one if the saddest moms in the world. We live on a busy street, and I saw our next door neighbor's dog hit by a car right in front if my house. I am perfectly fine with instilling fear in my kids when it comes to the street and cars.
I do agree that it depends on the kid though. My kids, especially DD, is a bolter, has a limited attention span, and is willing to try many dangerous things. She also has an unusually high tolerance for pain.
I do it not just to scare her, but because I think it will be the best deterrent for her.

[KpbS]

Yes, I tell my kids they could have died IF what they are doing is seriously dangerous behavior, like running into a busy street. All of mine have been runners and I am continually stressing to them parking lot safety. Most recently I told DD she could have died after she pushed the chest clip down on her Britax and slid her arms out of the seat belt and set herself free while I was driving down a busy road at 45 mph. I want her to know that she absolutely cannot get out of her car seat because she could die in a crash. End of story.

[fedoragirl]

Before I had the incredibly stubborn kid with impulse control issues, I would have thought this was way too harsh. But for some kids, vague intimations about harm and the hospital don't cut it. They need to be explicitly told the real consequences.

I have more issues with linking death to talking to strangers. Because the VAST majority of strangers are not harmful and there will be times when a kid is expected to talk to strangers and may even need to in order to get help (if they get lost, etc.). But telling them the consequences of running in front of a moving motor vehicle is pretty direct and concrete.

ITA.
DD is familiar with the concept of death. She is also an anxious and very cautious child. It doesn't stop me from describing what may happen if X behavior is repeated. I've only had to tell her about death 2-3 times. I am also frank with her about the consquences of running away from me in stores etc. I don't elaborate on every detail but I let her know that not everyone in the world is friendly and nice. But we also encourage small interactions with strangers. Sometimes it helps that the society and culture we live in expects kids to be self-reliant and fit into the adult world (to survive) far more quickly than I like or expect. But that's another topic.

[Melaine]

FWIW, I would never have talked to my older DD in the same way. She is very anxious and internalizes. But OTOH, she would also never have run away from me in a parking lot! It was all I could do to get her to cross a street at 10!

This is interesting, because I'm reading all of these thinking maybe I *should* have had these conversations with DDs....but then I realized that since they were old enough to understand (since about 3) they've never run into the parking lot or street. Never. They've honestly never engaged in risky behavior. So I guess it really hasn't come up. But if you saw the way my kids respond to something small like a splinter....I'm glad I haven't had to have the death talk.

[AnnieW625]

Yes I have. DD1 was a bolter. DD2 isn't so bad, but it is important to instill some sort of fear about bolting. For the simple reason of bolting my DD1 was in a stroller or a Beco carrier (usually just for dog walks when only one parent was home) until she was about 4.

[o_mom]

I have more issues with linking death to talking to strangers. Because the VAST majority of strangers are not harmful and there will be times when a kid is expected to talk to strangers and may even need to in order to get help (if they get lost, etc.). But telling them the consequences of running in front of a moving motor vehicle is pretty direct and concrete.

Reminds me of a time in the parking lot of the rec center when DS2 had gone ahead in the parking lot. I was OK with it because the way we park he did not have to actually go into traffic to get there (the area in front of the parked cars is landscaped and you can walk along it to where our car was). A friend with me, though, was all in a panic that I couldn't see him and didn't know *exactly* where he was. When we caught up to him at the car she was like "DS2 you must never go ahead like that. Someone could TAKE you away!!" I was just floored that she was correcting him when I was standing right there but also that "stranger danger" was her main point. The reality is that the chances of a stranger taking him in that particular area was near zero while getting hit by a car was much more likely if he was not careful to go the 'safe' way. If she had said something about being careful around cars or even that a car could kill him I would probably have been OK with it, but really, that's what you focus on?

[Reyadawnbringer]

Bumping this thread because I having been having this issue with DS a lot lately. Just this evening he deliberately walked out into the parking lot of a very busy mall after being told to stop. He broke away from my hand while we were walking through cards to get to ours. This all happened after a series of deliberate dangerous behavior. DH works in Healthcare and we have always very frank with DS about the things that can result from dangerous behavior but I still struggle with what appropriate consequences are for this behavior. Any body care to share what type of consequences are doled out for deliberate dangerous behavior?
Somehow a time out just would not be adequate enough for something like this for DS.

[crl]

Bumping this thread because I having been having this issue with DS a lot lately. Just this evening he deliberately walked out into the parking lot of a very busy mall after being told to stop. He broke away from my hand while we were walking through cards to get to ours. This all happened after a series of deliberate dangerous behavior. DH works in Healthcare and we have always very frank with DS about the things that can result from dangerous behavior but I still struggle with what appropriate consequences are for this behavior. Any body care to share what type of consequences are doled out for deliberate dangerous behavior?
Somehow a time out just would not be adequate enough for something like this for DS.

The one and only time ds bolted towards a parking lot it was from a bakery we went to every week or so for a treat. We told him we couldn't go back to the bakery for awhile because he did something unsafe. We followed through and it was a place we went by often so he was reminded several times over the next couple of weeks. He was quite upset by that consequence. He did not repeat the behavior.

Catherine

[wellyes]

My dd went through a phase like that. I resorted to strapping her in her stroller a few times (she was 4 too). Once she actually did run away in a mall and could not find me. It was the longest 5 minutes ever for both of us. That was the end of that.

I suggest giving very specific advice, not just 'don't ever do this' but also what to do if it happens . What to do if you feel like you're in danger. For example, if we get separated, find a mom with kids and tell her you need to find your mom, loudly. I am very glad DD knew to do this when it happened. Also: If you are in the parking lot and not holding my hand, you should be calling my name and standing next to a car that isn't moving, NOT running around looking for me.

[fedoragirl]

Oh yes, we do. We are very blunt about the ways they could be seriously injured or even killed when they do careless or reckless things. Esp. on our street. We have no sidewalk, so we have to walk and ride bikes in the street. We warn them about weaving all over without watching where they are going. We also warn them about jumping on the bed, esp. because they keep asking for a bunkbed. Yesterday I had to tell them about a coyote sighting on our dog walk, and why they shouldn't run way ahead when we walk Shep. This morning we told them why they need to stay away when we are mowing the lawn with the tractor, and why they should NEVER approach from behind. They are getting more aware, and their responses indicate they have an idea of what could happen if they are not careful or don't do what we say.

My kids used to say, "but when we die we go to be with God, right?" like that makes it okay. We had to explain yes, but we would be very very sad if that happened. They don't say that much anymore during these convos. We have always been matter-of-fact when talking to them about death, explaining what it means, from the very beginning. The town cemetery is across the street from our church, so it comes up.
:yeahthat: I definitely tell the kids about it although I refrain from any details. DD is prone to anxiety (I think) so I've been toning down the death talk with her. But we absolutely discuss it in all contexts, not just behavior. We read the Bible together and death is a part of that.

[maestramommy]

Short answer yes we do. Our kids are not particularly anxious, esp. about stuff like that. As they've gotten older they've gotten a little less cautious, and they often just don't know what behaviors can lead to trouble. We tell them that they could be seriously injured, have to go to the ER, could die if they do things like jump on the beds, esp. the bunkbed. Actually their jumping on beds was what kept us from getting a bunkbed for so long and we told them why.

Regarding serious injury, same thing. We don't spare the details, but we don't harp on them either. Like putting your fingers in the fan, we tell them straight out what could happen. DD3 has been to the ER for stitches when she fell and busted her lip, so just letting her she'd have to go back is usually enough.

It's a little disconcerting though, when DD3 just comes out and starts asking questions about death, or telling us she was just thinking "today that if you and daddy died I would be really sad, right?" So far I'm glad that these questions only happen when other people aren't around. Not sure what they would think :)

ETA: Just saw my own post above this one! Doh! I was wondering about it, but didn't realize it was an older thread, lol!

[Raidra]

We have no problem discussing death as a possible consequence to risky behavior. Since the OP mentioned using that threat with behavior towards siblings, I'll recount a recent incident: Niall had something around his neck, and Fiona wanted it. She was pulling on it and it was getting twisted, Niall started screaming his 'hurt' scream (not his just indignant scream). I was very blunt with her about what could have happened. She understands a fair bit about death - my grandmother died when she was 2 and while she doesn't have clear memories of her, we talk about her a lot and visit her grave, and she knows we won't ever see her again and that we're sad and miss her. We talked about how Niall could die, how we'd bury him in the ground and never see him again. I felt bad about it, but having worked in the ER (like so many others), I'd much rather scare her than spare her feelings.

I don't get too much into the whole, "I would miss you, I would be so sad" thing because I think it's not that relevant to the kids, and to be honest, when it comes to my kid getting hurt or dying, my feelings aren't the main thing - their feelings are. We focus on what they'd be feeling, their consequences, etc. It's a touchy subject for me because of my mother (who says, "You got a boo boo? Oh, I'm so sad! I get so upset when you're hurt!" - who cares how she feels), but I feel it's more important to talk about what they would (or wouldn't) experience than what we would.


Any body care to share what type of consequences are doled out for deliberate dangerous behavior?

It depends on the offense. With my older boys, I use the, "If you're going to act like a little kid who doesn't know the rules, then I'll have to treat you like one" thing. Whether they lose a privilege related to the incident, have to hold my hand in parking lots, etc.. we try to frame it that way. With Niall, who likes to walk rather than ride in the shopping cart or stroller, he has to ride.

[indigo99]

We describe things we see when driving around so we've discussed graveyards. I've told them that if people get hurt very badly then sometimes they die and their empty bodies are buried in the ground. Then we never get to see them again. I know they don't understand death. However, they understand getting hurt and definitely don't want to never see me again so they sort of get it when I tell them that something is very dangerous and could kill them. Of course impulse control is a problem with their young minds so knowing not to do something isn't always enough.

[pastrygirl]

Yes, I do. But I usually phrase it along with not being able to see or be with me anymore, because that's a tangible concept right now. I also talk about my brother who died when he was 9 from doing something unsafe in the house. My 7yo (w/ ASD) is just starting to understand danger. He had NO concept of it before and would easily run out into the street.

[dogmom]

yes I do. My poor kids know a thousand ways you can die. Partly because of the nature of my job (I'm a nursing coordinator who deals with deaths and DOA's (dead on arrival) and have seen/heard of lots of ways kids can die). I also talk about having to go to the "big hospital" (UVA) as DD was there for 2 weeks after a burn and has some vague memories of that. However I would never tell another parent that they should tell their kids that. My kids aren't particularly sensitive about this, but I wouldn't do it for other kids

Oh, yes, occupational hazard. When my kids were younger I tended to talk about getting hurt more, I think they could more personally relate to that. My son is 10 going on 11, and I planning to have a conversation with him about a patient that came in last night (17yo car accident, 2 other kids in car, the 2 not wearing their seatbelt are gravely injured, the one wearing his not). 5 years he'll be on the road, I feel like I need to start early. I also was pretty blunt around things like drowning, diving in head, first, etc. I try to match the response to the severity/likelihood of the injury.

[crayonblue]

I do tell my kids that things can kill them, or that dangerous behavior can lead to death (running in the street, holding a pillow over someone's face, holding someone down in a pool). I WANT them to be scared of some things, and for whatever reason the possibly of enormous, painful, disfiguring injury doesn't phase them.

ETA - My kids are older now, but they knew that dangerous behavior could lead to death from a pretty young age - like maybe 4 or 5? DS in particular was a big daredevil and needed very black and white reasons why he couldn't do things like crawl out the window onto the roof. :shrug: My kids aren't that sensitive, I guess, and we always have treated death as a fact of life, not something kids should be sheltered from. I am also probably influenced by the fact that I had a childhood friend who's young brother DID die after being hit by a car when he was playing in the street. It's not a remote, scary possibility to me - it's a reality.

I completely agree with you. I think it is an absolute disservice to children to shield them from death and keep it elusive and unlikely. It happens.

[AnnieW625]

Yes I have, and I did especially with DD1 when she was about 2 yrs. old. She'd had hearing issues and couldn't verbalize either (hearing issues had caused speech delay) and she wouldn't sign either so that made it even harder, but I remember one time when she was just 2 and we were leaving the audiologist's office that she let go of my hand and started bolting across the top floor of a parking garage. Thankfully it wasn't crowded but I stearnly grabbed her once we were at the car and I told her in a stearn voice that she could sort of understand that she was never to do that again and that a car could hit her. Since then we have had a rule that you cannot be in a parking lot and A. not be locked in a stroller or B. you have to be holding someone's hand.

We have also talked about how miss use of a gun can hurt or kill someone.

Our kids also know that while it probably won't happen, but they cannot touch or pet someone else's cat or dog without asking the owner first because not all dogs are friendly like our dog is.