explaining different family rules without putting down the other family

[KrisM]

Usually this isn't hard, but I'm stuck. DD wants to go to the spa to get a pedicure. Her friend, our next door neighbor, did this last week. Both girls are 7. I don't think a 7 year old needs to get a pedicure and I have no plans to let her go to a spa for one. I paint her nails and that is fine. If I tell DD that she's too young, I know she'll say 'well BFF did it' and I feel like if I say that I just think 7 is too young, I'll be commenting on the other family's choice. I have no problems with other 'rules' and saying our family has rules and other families have other rules, but this is feeling different.

[karstmama]

could you put it as money choices? 'bff's family gets to spend their money how they want, but our family would rather have pizza night once a week'...

[truly scrumptious]

You may be able to frame it as different family rules without seeming to judge the other family's choices. (Or discussing your feelings about it being too young.) How about telling her:
"No, you need to wait until you're older." (Specify age if you like)
Response: "But BFFs mom let her go!"
Just reply:"That's the rule in her family. In our family you need to wait until X."

[AnnieW625]

(If it helps any think of the pedicure as a $5 polish change. At under 10-12 that is all it is anyway. )

For the rule thing just tell her she isn't allowed to get a pedicure until she older and that is our family rule. Tell her that different families have different rules and there is nothing wrong with that.

[Twoboos]

Just reply:"That's the rule in her family. In our family you need to wait until X."

This is usually the line we use. Plus, "Different families do things differently." I've had to use this A LOT in reference to carseats!

Also agree with Annie that it is basically a polish change. The place we go to soaks/scrubs the feet, doesn't clip anything, does the polish and a decoration. I only take them occasionally, like before school starts or when school ends. So it's rare and usually I just do their toes (although now they complain about not going to the pedi place, LOL!).

[hillview]

This is usually the line we use. Plus, "Different families do things differently." I've had to use this A LOT in reference to carseats!


:yeahthat:
"Different families have different rules" sometimes I go with the route of money (different families make different choices) and sometimes I go with in our family you have to be xx years old to do abc.

[KrisM]

Okay, we'll go with the different families have different rules and hopefully it goes well.

I know it's a polish change. It's $15 or so for that age group. I've been to the place once or twice myself. But, I just don't want her to think this is what we do. I get 1-2 a year and never got one until I was 38 or so. Clearly, she doesn't have to wait until she's 30 to get one, but I want her to be much older, like mid-teens, and paying for it herself.

[bigsis]

Another ditto for "different families do different things." I also add that as her mother I base my decisions on what I believe is best for *her*, regardless of what others are doing.

[maestramommy]

I just say every family does things their own way, and in our house we do this. We have this convo often now because DD1's friends have pierced ears, do nail polish, lip gloss, and other things we are not allowing yet. DD1 just got invited to her first bday sleepover. She is going to the party, but not sleeping over. I had to explain why. I just said, I'm not against it, but we want her to be older first, because she will not really enjoy it right now (which is true).

[randomkid]

I think it's fine to say different families have different rules, but when I'm feeling like something is not a "rule" per se, I usually word it as "other families just make different choices for their kids than we do. That's just the way it is". No other explanation needed. DD's BFF got her ears pierced last year. DD wants her ears pierced, but I can't even get this girl to let me clip off a hang nail most of the time, so there is no way I'm letting her get her ears pierced at 8yo. I simply told her "X's Mom chose to let her DD get her ears pierced. I am choosing to say no".

[TwinFoxes]

Okay, we'll go with the different families have different rules and hopefully it goes well.

I know it's a polish change. It's $15 or so for that age group. I've been to the place once or twice myself. But, I just don't want her to think this is what we do. I get 1-2 a year and never got one until I was 38 or so. Clearly, she doesn't have to wait until she's 30 to get one, but I want her to be much older, like mid-teens, and paying for it herself.

I think this is the right idea. I wouldn't blame it on the price, since that's not the real reason, and you have a good reason. Plus, all she'd have to do would be say "I have birthday money" and you'd find yourself backpedaling.

Polish changes are $5 in California, but I can tell you they aren't around here. I still get sticker shock with how much a pedicure is here. Almost twice as much as most places in California.

[AnnieW625]

.....
Polish changes are $5 in California, but I can tell you they aren't around here. I still get sticker shock with how much a pedicure is here. Almost twice as much as most places in California.

Nail shops owned by Vietnamese are a dime a dozen here now. They have to be compete with each other. Thankfully I have three great choices here and the ladies all speak in English well even though it is a second language for many of them. The few non Vietnamese places are easily $40 for a pedicure, $25 for a manicure ($40 it you want gel) and $10-$15 for a kids pedicure and $5-$10 for a polish change on an adult who has paid for a full set of acrylic nails.

[smilequeen]

I would go with the "different families have different rules" or something like the truth...I think "we choose to spend our money on different things" works too. It's not so much the price but the principle. At 7, you obviously think having painted nails is fine and you do it at home, but you don't think paying for a spa pedicure is worth it. IDK, if it was my son (and clearly, a different experience than a pedicure ;)) I'd tell him if he'd like to save up his money for something he could get for free at home, he can, but he could still get it for free at home and have his money for x, y, or z instead. Normally, he'd choose to save his money.

[ha98ed14]

Okay, we'll go with the different families have different rules and hopefully it goes well.

I know it's a polish change. It's $15 or so for that age group. I've been to the place once or twice myself. But, I just don't want her to think this is what we do. I get 1-2 a year and never got one until I was 38 or so. Clearly, she doesn't have to wait until she's 30 to get one, but I want her to be much older, like mid-teens, and paying for it herself.

So it's because you have different values than this other family. Personally, I would let my 6 y.o. DD do it, but I completely respect other people's values, and I would not hesitate to tell DD that a person who makes a different decision than we do values different things. No bad or good. Just different. I have often told DD- when she wants me to buy her something that a friend has and I say no- that the reason is because I have other things I want to spend my money on. "I value other things more than I value the XYZ she is asking for." I have said that to her, and she gets it.

[squimp]

As the mom of an older girl (almost 10), there will be many, many things like this. So start thinking about this stuff now. Pierced ears, high heels, hair dye, all of this stuff. My DD is kind of a sporty/nerdy cool type, so it's not an issue, but certainly is among her girly girl friends.

Personally I worry about nail fungus, because I have gotten it from a "nice" Aveda salon. I know I could tell DD that, but she would never ever want to go if I did. So for us, I would just say something like "your Dad and I have discussed this and we are OK if you want to get a pedicure when you're 10, we don't think you need to go before that". Something like that. Some kids have birthday parties where they get pedis (not in DD's friends, but it's definitely a "thing"), so it's good to be prepared.

[maestramommy]

Just wanted to add sometimes it's not a money issue, but we have no trouble saying so if it is. If we think something is too expensive, we tell her it costs a lot of money, and we do not feel it's right to spend that much money on X, or just that we don't want to. We say nothing about other families, and so far DD hasn't asked why other people do. We will often tie it in with, "if we spend a lot of money on this, we will not have enough for that."

[Melaine]

I would say any one of several plausible reasons: We don't want to spend our money on that when we can do it ourselves easily. I'd like to save that for a special treat when you are older. I don't want to take you there. Mommy thinks that's for grown ups.

It doesn't really bother me to say any of those. I guess I would fall short of saying, "I think it's silly to take little girls to the nail salon" because that would be more of a commentary on the friend. But I think any of the above would be fine and all are true for me. I also have health concerns. But my main reason, which is also the reason that we continue to turn down requests for sleep overs, is that I want to preserve certain things as rites of passage or special events when they are older. Of course, I don't think there is anything wrong with folks doing these sooner, but I do think some of the specialness is lost when children don't have to wait.