WWYD soccer game issue -- name calling 8 year olds

[hillview]

DS1 is 8 and "sensitive" to name calling or people being unfair. Today was first day on a soccer team with a bunch of kids -- he knows one but not the rest. A child or several kids (not sure DS1 said the "team") was calling him names "stupid" and his coach "stupid" and his team "stupid" repeatedly. DS1's team was also losing in the game. By the end DS1 was in tears. The ref was a 13 year old. Parents and coaches are not allowed on the field during the game (to prevent aggressive coaching). DS1 is a big kid for his age (tall but somewhat skinny), not that it matters but I don't think he is getting picked on per se but I do think that since it upsets him either kids find him or he reacts. Honestly if he was older I'd likely tell him to tell the kid to knock it off and follow up physically if that didn't work (BAD parent I know) but at age 8 on a field like this that doesn't fly.

I wasn't at the game. DH was.

What would you tell DS1 to do in this situation "next time"?

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'd tell ds to tell the ref at the game or tell the coach before the next practice.

[Simon]

I feel your pain, this kind of stuff really makes my Ds1 sad, too. I do step up in public places and remind other kids to mind their manners. From either team I'd have no problem saying, "Hey, that's not cool to call names. Knock it off." And, I would have no problem going to another coach and telling him/her that I didn't appreciate the kids showing poor sportsmanship. Actually, I did take to task some little girls today who made my other Ds cry. I didn't chew them out, but I talk to them about how they hurt his feelings, how that wasn't nice, and a few other things.

In private, I'd remind my son that its not true what the other kids were saying and they are just trying to upset him/make him lose his concentration. We don't stoop to their level, its always okay to tell me/an adult, and it is something we should put a stop to.

[hillview]

I wish i was there. I agree Simon, that is what I'D do ... DH missed most of it til DS1 was crying at the end. ARGH. At the same time I'd like to help DS1 deal with this himself. SnuggleBuggles I think your idea is a good one, not sure what the 13 year old would do (assume the ref heard it, DS1 said it was pretty consistant and he is a good reporter).

[SnuggleBuggles]

The ref might be young but he has training and should be able to get the appropriate people involved.

[hillview]

The ref might be young but he has training and should be able to get the appropriate people involved.

thanks you make a good point. I will suggest that (and try to go to the next game).

[JBaxter]

Some teams we play the players will trash talk each other. Usually the coaches tell the players to settle it down or knock it off. A lot is done under the breath or in close contact with each other. It annoys Nathan but makes his aggressive streak kick in. It happens. I'd talk to the coach and have him keep watch at the next game. Some teams are worse than others and some kids are worse than others.

But reacting physically will get YOUR son removed from the game. He needs to just say knock it of. I hate to tell you but its gonna get worse as he gets older.

[elektra]

Was it the other team that was saying this, or kids on his own team?

[glbb35]

Wow. That is awful!!! I am sorry. When DS #1 played a few years ago the atmosphere started off well. I mean the kids were in K so what did I think would happen? By spring we were coming to the realization that since DS didn't have those killer instincts that this was probably not the league for us. The parents of even our own team mates had this "kill them" attitude that I don't approve of. Why are we so competitive and what does it teach our children? I once heard a mom tell her kid to "suck it up and go out there and kill them or you are a looser and we don't have losers in this family". Really?, I thought. You are the loser! So your child plays sports well. Do you honestly think he will be that less than 1% crowd that actually goes on to do anything athletic professionally and become famous? I don't get it. We ended up leaving the league. The coaches were brash, the kids rude and down right mean and the parents, ugh, horrible! Now I coach soccer with a a totally different league that is run through our church. It is great. We encourage parental participation and cheer all players on and help those kids who are struggling with soccer. It feels great to be a part of this league. I hear friends complain and I remember what we went through. We all want our kids to do well and be the one who scores a goal but honestly I want to be that parent whose child truly is happy and learns from season and goes on to be well adjusted! Now it is not to say there aren't kids and parents in this league who act unprofessionally and mean. Last year the league kicked a family out after having several episodes where the parents had to be told to not make rude comments and the kid would not stop harassing team mates. We were told as coaches, if that ever occurs, ask the parent and the child to correct the behavior. If they don't make the changes then they are barred from the games. If it continues, the league will ask them to leave. Plain and simple. I hope you can talk to someone about what is going on and they listen and help makes changes so that you feel comfortable. No child should have to endure criticism like that.

B

DS 03, 06, twins 09, 11

[TwinFoxes]

Was it "you're stupid" or "this game is so stupid. Our stupid team can't even score. I wish the stupid coach would let me play forward". Those are different to me. The first one I'd speak to the coach about. The second one is harder, it's almost like they're using it as an expletive. But if they're not aiming it at someone, it's probably best to try to ignore. If he plans to stick with sports, it's going to get worse. I also agree, just because the ref is 13 doesn't mean s/he won't step up. The ref is probably a long time player and knows what to do.

[hillview]

Was it the other team that was saying this, or kids on his own team?

it was the other team calling DS1 and his team and his coach stupid. The other team was winning. Thanks all!

[TwinFoxes]

Q
it was the other team calling DS1 and his team and his coach stupid. The other team was winning. Thanks all!

Ah, I thought you meant it was his team. Yep, I'd definitely talk to the coach and or ref. I hope it doesn't happen any more.

[speo]

I would have your DS tell the coach or ref during the game if this happens. The coach would then tell the ref. In our league, this would get a taunting call by the ref and the team might get a corner kick. In our league also, if your coach knew about it he would elevate the issue to the division director. That director would then send out a msg to all coaches to prevent their teams from taunting. My DH, who is a coach, just got a long email at the end of the day yesterday of all the infractions committed by the teams. It was a reminder and did not call out specific teams.

In addition, I would role-play with my DS if this happened and he let it get to him like that. He needs to be able to deal with it better or kids will just pick on him more. :(

[Green_Tea]

I would have your DS tell the coach or ref during the game if this happens. The coach would then tell the ref. In our league, this would get a taunting call by the ref and the team might get a corner kick. In our league also, if your coach knew about it he would elevate the issue to the division director. That director would then send out a msg to all coaches to prevent their teams from taunting. My DH, who is a coach, just got a long email at the end of the day yesterday of all the infractions committed by the teams. It was a reminder and did not call out specific teams.

In addition, I would role-play with my DS if this happened and he let it get to him like that. He needs to be able to deal with it better or kids will just pick on him more. :(

This, exactly. 8 year olds using the word stupid is pretty typical. DS needs to tell his coach or the ref, or he needs to learn to ignore it.

[elektra]

There is no way that kind of behavior would be encouraged, much less allowed in a youth sports league of any kind. I would be talking to the coach, and asking him to let the league director know about it. And I am not sure how you would suggest this exactly but the coach should talk to the team about it. Let them know that they need to "have each other's backs" in a situation like that. If they see a teammate down for any reason, they should give them a high five and tell them it's ok, to ignore the other guys, whatever. That is what teammates do.
You could also tell your DS that. And to prep him for next time, some things I have told myself in similar situtions are to just "flush it down the toilet" or to act like the opponent is speaking another language that you don't understand. I never did well with trash talk (and it's true that it will likely get worse). I would feel like crying or want to say something back, and this is even as an adult! But it is really best to just ignore. The opponent is just trying to get into your head, and you don't want to let them.
And try not to feel so so bad that he is upset. Part of the beauty of team sports is that kids can be exposed to some of this stuff and learn how to deal with it now, with the support of coaches and teammates instead of being bombarded with it later on a larger or more serious scale.

I remember when I was a kid there was a cheer (that we were totally allowed to do!?!) that went:
"U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, yeah, yeah, you ugly. M-A-M-A, that's the way you got that way, yo mama, yeah, yeah, yo mama......" and so on. The teams would sing this when they were winning too- like to rub it in.

[squimp]

That is terrible. If it's AYSO, the ref should have training to talk about unsporting conduct and bullying. Did the coach know? Usually the coach would request to talk with the ref. I would speak with the coach, both from the perspective that it's wrong, but also so that the coach is aware of how upset your son was, if they don't know already.

[citymama]

This, exactly. 8 year olds using the word stupid is pretty typical. DS needs to tell his coach or the ref, or he needs to learn to ignore it.

I agree with this and speo's post. It's not very sporting, but it's typical 8 year old behavior. The coach/ref need to talk with the team about acceptable/unacceptable conduct and language.

I also think it's a good idea to talk with our own kids about what we think is acceptable and appropriate and give them some tools to respond or deal with it. I think our kids are going to encounter mouthy kids and sassy language, undoubtedly, if not at 8 then at 10.

[brittone2]

Our 3 years with baseball were filled with pretty awful sportsmanship from kids, coaches, and parents alike. It was frankly quite depressing.

One kid on the team would tease my DS1 because he had a smaller bat. DS1 always hit better with the smaller bat...better bat speed. Yet this kid kept teasing him. In our case I muttered under my breath because this kid was awful from the first game (yelling from first base to his mother, the assistant coach, that the "ump sucked" loud enough everyone could hear him on our side of the bleachers. And his mom (again, assistant coach...would just shrug).) But I basically gave DS1 some tools for dealing with this kid, encouraged him to try to handle it on his own, but to let me know if it persisted. In our case, I suggested a no- emotional pat answer that he gave every time to the kid. For my DS1, things like this are a pretty good lesson because he can be pretty sensitive, and we HS, so while he certainly encounters a range of kid personalities, he probably doesn't get the same level of that as he would in school. So every time the kid would tease him, he'd say "bat speed" in response, and the kid just kept getting puzzled DS1 wouldn't respond. It worked, and it was a good lesson. Had it been something DS1 did not feel capable of handling at all, or if I had DS1 try to deal with the kid and it wasn't successful after a few attempts, I would have probably said something to the coach. 8 is somewhat of a gray area there...they are still quite young, but you do want to move toward equipping them with tools to manage some of it on their own while being a support to them.

Sorry you are going through this. I think it is age appropriate to a degree and I do think it just gets worse as time goes on. As a result, kids have to come up with coping mechanisms or ways to deal with it. However, what bugs the heck out of me is that it is all but condoned IME by coaches and parents alike. Parents bad mouthing the umps, etc. and then the kids turn around and call them "stupid" as well...you know? It made me pretty sad to see the complete and utter lack of sportsmanship all around really. Our coach did have a sit down 2x with all of the parents to talk about some of their behavior (after umps complained), but of course, it just continued that way with no repercussions.

In a few instances for more serious things, our coach sent out a vague email about kids doing X, Y, Z and could we please talk to our kids about it. The one instance was a very overweight kid on the team being teased by his own teammates for being "fat" and a bad player. Names were not named, it was all in generalities, but it was a request that parents have a talk with their kids about supporting their teammates, etc. That said, it didn't seem like it got anywhere. The kids who had the issues in most cases were the children of parents who acted like a$$hats on the sidelines.

[codex57]

This, exactly. 8 year olds using the word stupid is pretty typical. DS needs to tell his coach or the ref, or he needs to learn to ignore it.


There is no way that kind of behavior would be encouraged, much less allowed in a youth sports league of any kind. I would be talking to the coach, and asking him to let the league director know about it. And I am not sure how you would suggest this exactly but the coach should talk to the team about it. Let them know that they need to "have each other's backs" in a situation like that. If they see a teammate down for any reason, they should give them a high five and tell them it's ok, to ignore the other guys, whatever. That is what teammates do.
You could also tell your DS that. And to prep him for next time, some things I have told myself in similar situtions are to just "flush it down the toilet" or to act like the opponent is speaking another language that you don't understand. I never did well with trash talk (and it's true that it will likely get worse). I would feel like crying or want to say something back, and this is even as an adult! But it is really best to just ignore. The opponent is just trying to get into your head, and you don't want to let them.
And try not to feel so so bad that he is upset. Part of the beauty of team sports is that kids can be exposed to some of this stuff and learn how to deal with it now, with the support of coaches and teammates instead of being bombarded with it later on a larger or more serious scale.

I remember when I was a kid there was a cheer (that we were totally allowed to do!?!) that went:
"U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, yeah, yeah, you ugly. M-A-M-A, that's the way you got that way, yo mama, yeah, yeah, yo mama......" and so on. The teams would sing this when they were winning too- like to rub it in.

Totally agree. 8 and up? Normal and only gonna get worse.

No excuse now to not teach him how to deal. As Elektra said, this is when it's important for the team to band together and stick together. How REAL teams are made. Pick on one, pick on all. The others circle wagons, etc.