Was my DH always this grumpy?

[twowhat?]

When it met him, he was a much "nicer" person. He didn't use that condescending tone of voice that he does now when he thinks someone is being an idiot. He was a lot more laid back.

Now, little things bother him. Specifically kid things. Normal kid things, like whining. I seriously think having kids ruined his personality a little bit and I am sad. He isn't the same person. He's high strung. He has very little tolerance for kid things. I've pointed this out to him in an effort to come up with things I can do to take some of the kid stress off of him. Like letting me deal with tantrums. It hasn't really worked. He can't help but to get worked up about whining and kid tears and let's face it, it's really not fair to not let him parent. He got into a giant argument with his mom this weekend because his mom basically told him what I just wrote. That he is an adult and needs to use a nice tone of voice and basically needs to chill out (yeah...she really did spout off on him).

So, now DH thinks the whole family is against him, and I can't blame him. It's like no one is letting him have his normal human reactions to things. But...he DOES need to chill out and I just can't help him because I've TRIED. It's just in his nature. He's awesome when he's in a good mood but when he's not, ONE little whining episode or tantrum and his day is basically shot. And, in fits of anger, yes I've told him that he's just not a pleasant person to be around sometimes.

Has having kids turned your personality or your partner's personality for the worst? Kids are stressful. I'm just sad because my DH before kids is not the same DH that I have now. He hates a messy house. He hates when things aren't put away. And when things are cluttered. You know, normal things that come with kids. I don't have the time and energy to make sure the house is neat and I honestly think he needs to chill out about that.

I don't know...if I had known in advance...

At the same time I need to find a way to not let it bother me. It should be OK if he gets angry at a whiny child and honestly, if I didn't try to interfere he'd probably let it blow over a lot faster. He should be allowed to have his normal reactions to things. Plenty of folks get angry over whiny, crying, tantruming kids. I don't think it's not normal. I just prefer a yell-free house but I know that's not normal either:) Uuuugh.

[niccig]

Is he more stressed and/or tired now? That could be why he has a shorter fuse. And yes, it can be his natural reaction, but that doesn't mean he can't change it if he wants to. And it doesn't mean his bad mood should be allowed to affect everyone else all the time.

Example 1, my Dad. His nickname was Grumble Bum. He wanted to be called Gramps when DS was born, and the family changed it to Grumps. He couldn't deal with stress and like a kid would hold it together until he was at home, then lose it with us. He had to retire early for health reasons, and he became a much more laid-back person.

Example 2, me. Like my Dad, I don't deal well when stressed or tired. And yes, my bad mood would affect DH/DS. I recognized that I was doing same thing as my dad, and I hated growing up in a house like that. I've been working on dealing with stress/being tired in more appropriate ways, so I don't take it out on my family. I'm not always successful, but I am getting better.

Bottom line: Your DH can change how he reacts, he's an adult, he's in charge of his behavior. I'd also say that if his Mom is telling him off about it, it's not family ganging up on him, it's family recognizing this is a real problem and trying to get him to be aware of it.

[truly scrumptious]

Like PP I wonder if he is tired.
DH who is usually a happy person started to become much more short tempered. When he was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea, the doc mentioned that it can affect his mood. Since he started treating it he is better rested and his mood has improved considerably.

[Indianamom2]

Could he be depressed? It doesn't always look like someone is down or sad or unhappy. Sometimes it can look like irritation and overreactions and general hard-to-be-around-ness.

[daisyd]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm in the same boat. DH is trying to change and I'm trying to help him with that. It's really rough though. Hopefully, your situation gets better soon.

[bigsis]

It may be a combination of a lot of things--stress, fatigue, case of "grumpy old men." My DH has gotten grumpier over the years as well. Have you tried talking to him on a down time? He may not even be aware that it's gotten so bad. I tell my kids to get out of the way when I or DH are in a bad mood. Hey, maybe he just needs a little 2nd honeymoon ;)

[cvanbrunt]

Your DH sounds like me. I've always been a grumpy old man at heart. Normal kid stuff sucks the life out of me. It just does. Yes, I need to chill a bit but my kids can also learn that there is a limit how much I can handle of their whining.

[viba424]

I agree with PP, in the same boat. I am definitely the mean one, DH is probably wondering where his nice wife went. My job is super stressful and has been for too long, I travel all the time, I am tired, prone to depression because of these things, I tend to be lazy when I am home, and I like to shop too much. I am very critical of others, and totally incapable of handling criticism.

Even though he is beyond a wonderful man and father...he does little things that build up. DH never wants to plan, or try anything new. He is extremely thoughtful but not romantic. He tends to tear up the house though I beg him to keep it clean. I someone were to ask me the question you just asked, I would try to find out of there any things you can change to make things happier around the house. Certainly you are not asking because its NOT YOU, but because I think even the gesture of asking could go a long way on a crab like me. I suspect perhaps he is feeling a little out of control about something. It might sound crazy, but I swear the housework is a big thing, at least for me. It feeds into the idea of having to spend weekend time straightening up instead of having quality experiences.

[MamaMolly]

I have no patience with this sort of thing. Your DH can feel however he wants to. Not a problem. His behavior, on the other hand, would be a problem for me. Maybe I'm misreading your post but it seems like you are saying that your DH ought to get a pass for his behavior because for him, it is his 'normal' reaction to kids being kids. But isn't part of being an adult learning to modulate your reactions to things? To self regulate? IME it does no good to bend over backwards accommodating difficult people. It becomes a very unpleasant cycle of self absorption for them and eggshell walking for everyone else. But I can also see where you are stuck in the middle as either a referee or running interference. That's no good either. I wonder if your DH would have more patience if he felt more capable? It sounds to me like your needs more coping tools in his parenting toolbag. Is he open to reading parenting books?

[hellokitty]

I think that my dh is a little bit like this. I notice that he can lose his temper much more easily now, than before we had kids. Not just at the kids, but at me. For my dh, after we had DS1 he was diagnosed with thyroid problems and since then he's always been more tired than before. I often think that it has made him just a little bit grumpier. As for me, I tend to freak out easily to begin with and I do think that the kids make me grumpier. I am probably not as, "nice" as I was before, b/c being a mom to three has hardened/worn me down quite a bit. However, for me, I am usually patient with my kids with a warning or two first, but if they don't cut it out... yes, I can get really grouchy and yell.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Is he more stressed and/or tired now? That could be why he has a shorter fuse. And yes, it can be his natural reaction, but that doesn't mean he can't change it if he wants to. And it doesn't mean his bad mood should be allowed to affect everyone else all the time.

(snipped)

Example 2, me. Like my Dad, I don't deal well when stressed or tired. And yes, my bad mood would affect DH/DS. I recognized that I was doing same thing as my dad, and I hated growing up in a house like that. I've been working on dealing with stress/being tired in more appropriate ways, so I don't take it out on my family. I'm not always successful, but I am getting better.

Bottom line: Your DH can change how he reacts, he's an adult, he's in charge of his behavior. I'd also say that if his Mom is telling him off about it, it's not family ganging up on him, it's family recognizing this is a real problem and trying to get him to be aware of it.

:yeahthat: this, this, a thousand times this!!!

Out of the two of us, I think I am more like your DH in the sense that I have less patience for normal kids stuff, and clutter annoys me more and tends to put me in a crabby mood. However, I've learned to manage my stress better so i'm not taking it out on the kids or anyone else. I am totally with niccig in that tif you grew up with a parent like this, you can really appreciate how awful it can be growing up in a household where you feel like you're walking on eggshells all the time. My dad was exactly how others described - worked a lot, stressed, have almost no tolerance for clutter, normal kid behavior, would get annoyed at the littlest thing. Would come home from work obviously stressed and spend most of the time complaining as to why this or that wasn't put away. Nothing was ever good enough or clean enough. Yes, it's not abusive or anything like that, but I was determined to never ever ever have my kids grow up like that, because, well it really sucks. So while I have the same sort of personality (easily stressed, prone to depression/anxiety) i have made it a priority to work on that so that my kids don't have to suffer. I agree with niccig and Mamamolly, it's not about bending over backwards or trying to be more accommodating..the person themselves needs to want to not be like that anymore.

In my case, i knew it was largely the crazy amount of stress that made my dad how he was..stress over work/money, mostly. The good thing is, he is nothing like that anymore. When we visit, the kids do all sorts of crazy things, they could tear the house down and he is so not bothered and even laughs at things with the attitude of "aren't kids cute?". I almost do a double take, it is just so completely opposite to how i grew up (very strict, kids were expected to be seen not heard sort of thing). I think after us kids were out of the house i think he realized how much enjoyment he missed when were kids. I know that he has also really gotten into running in the past decade or so and he has said it is a great stress reliever. I don't know. the bottom line IMO is people can change if they really want to.

[maestramommy]

I think both Dh and I used to be much more mellow before we had kids. We almost never fought, for instance. I dont' think we had our first real blowout until very recently. We are just a lot more stressed. Dh would occasionally take a condescending tone when talking to me, but I nipped that one in the bud really fast. He wasn't even aware he had done it, but did tell me not to let him get away with it, because he doesn't think he should talk that way to anyone, least of all me. As for the kids, we both get impatient, and even yell at the kids when they push us to the edge. Doesn't anyone? But I really try to stay aware of myself and know when my well is already running dry. As for Dh, he used to do meditation before we met, and recently started watching a video series (you can find it on Great Courses catalog) on mindfulness meditation. That has helped him a lot. It talks a lot about what sets us of, and how we can see it coming long before we blow so we can make ourselves calm down and look at things more objectively.

In your case though, it sounds like the stumbling block is that your Dh doesn't think it's a problem? Or maybe he does and is already feeling defensive?

[Beckylove]

You are not alone. I lost my temper with DH a couple weeks ago because he spends every weekend being pissy about stupid stuff. Little, normal, kid things that just build up for him and put him in a bad mood.

I told him him it is hard to like him when he acts that way non-stop. He got more hurt than defensive about it and when he thought it through knew there was a lot of truth in that. I gave specific, concrete examples. Like we all ate dinner in silence but you were angry about how much Taco Bell cost. Or yes, DD cried this evening, but she didnt get a nap because you wanted to go somewhere at nap time.

I tried really hard not to pile on, but approach him in a way that looked to solve the problem. What does he need on a weekend to relax him? What is one thing that will make the weekend fun for him? I know how small children can be soooo draining. This weekend we did all the things that we needed to, soccer game, church, etc. but made sure to work in something he likes to do too. He sometimes feels like he works hard all week, them works all weekend with kid junk and doesn't get to do anything fun.

He realized by being so snippy he was in the wrong and needed to change. He has been so much better. Everyone was happier. We both talked on Friday about what would make the weekend a success for us. We did his thing and I needed some alone time to run errands. We both got what we needed by being intentional on Friday.

HTH, you are not alone.

[Mopey]

I have actually told my lovely hubby that in hindsight someone like me maybe wasn't the best choice for parent, but Miss Mopey is here and I am absolutely mad for her so I have no regrets. That said, it is really difficult to live, work and raise a toddler in a tiny place and mostly alone (at least the days). I am usually DONE by the end of the day and messing about with the dinner food can irritate me to no end (plus a lot of the time I am looking at working all night since I can't work while she's awake anymore so that is SUPER frustrating). The way she is crazy and runs around and almost kills herself incessantly is enough for me to wonder why I don't have a glass of wine each night. And sometimes I can't imagine more kids!

BUT I agree with PP - your hubby is in control of himself and should try to work on it. When I realized that my frustrations were being hurtled at my hubby the second he walked through the door, and my yelling about all my frustrations just added more ICK to his day I decided to can it! He deserves more than that, and so do you. I agree to be specific about your time together, and giving each other breaks and time to do fun things as a family. We even made a list of our ideas for a happy and successful family & love life :) It has helped tremendously. (FWIW I also personally believe that it is a kind of emotional abuse to yell and scream and take those emotions out on your loved ones - especially someone you have to walk on eggshells around.)