Siblings at a birthday party

[wellyes]

If your child is invited to a party at a venue that cost a certain amount per child:
Is it OK to ask if a sibling can come along, so long as the parent (not host) covers the cost of the additional child?

[BunnyBee]

Is the venue open to the general public? I've brought along an extra DC to cool places where it is not intrusive to the party. I either bring that child a snack or get one at the place; we don't tag along with the party during the activity or cake.

Edited: I am thinking of large venues like museums, putt putt, etc. and we are completely autonomous from the party. In most cases, I don't say anything at all to the host because I don't want it to seem like we are angling for an extra invite.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Unless it is a dire child care emergency or you are all super good friends, I don't think it's ok to ask.

[Corie]

Unless it is a dire child care emergency or you are all super good friends, I don't think it's ok to ask.



I agree with you.

[ett]

Unless it is a dire child care emergency or you are all super good friends, I don't think it's ok to ask.

:yeahthat:

[AnnieW625]

Unless it is a dire child care emergency or you are all super good friends, I don't think it's ok to ask.

:yeahthat: although in my neck of the woods I wouldn't use Evite because here people assume that Evite includes siblings and I have never heard of another parent offering to pay.

[ZeeBaby]

If it is a place where the parent can have unlimited kids, I think it is ok to ask to bring a sibling, a hour party or a party at a park. A place where you have to pay per person I think is tougher. I have never asked if I could bring my other child along.

[mom2binsd]

Unless there is no other place for you and the sibling to go, I don't think it's ok to ask, the party is a special event for the child invited to attend and I try to respect that and not 'Tag along". If it was at some out of the way place with no other options I'd say ok, otherwise no.

[indigo99]

Are we talking about a party for little kids where you need to stay? DS1 went to a party at Chuck E Cheese last year, and I asked to take DS2 along because we couldn't have gone otherwise. I did email and ask, and I hope that she wasn't charged for DS2. I held him the whole time, and we weren't at the party table much (he didn't have a seat at the table) so I think it was obvious that he wasn't actually a guest.

We just had a birthday party at a place that allows 25 kids and charges for each additional. As it was, we weren't near the allowed number so I wouldn't have had a problem with people asking to bring siblings. I even emailed everyone a RSVP reminder and told them that preschool-aged siblings were welcome but to let me know so that I could order extra pizza. One parent actually brought the guest's older sister without asking, and she is probably in middle school. If we had been over the number then they definitely would have charged me for her, and I would have been annoyed.

[KpbS]

Yes, I think it's fine to ask as long as you make it clear to them that you are willing to pay for your other (not the original invitee) child and that you are seeking their permission and you will respect their wishes either way.

I've been in both positions--asking if siblings can come and being asked if they can come. A couple of times I had to say no because of limited space/supplies but other times it was fine to have others tag along. I decided to ask after having a couple of parties where the host told me at the party it would have been perfectly fine to bring DS2 (there were other siblings there also) and it would have been much more convenient for me to have brought him rather than arranged a sitter etc.

[acmom]

Unless it is a dire child care emergency or you are all super good friends, I don't think it's ok to ask.

I agree with this too, unless the sibling is a baby which I think is always fine. But if it is an older kid, i think it always has the potential to create problems - not enough food, not enough space, not enough favors etc. We had a past party terrorized by a younger sibling who just kept trying to destroy all the activities. I know part of his behavior was that he wasn't really included (didn't have extra party stuff as I didn't know he was coming- the invite was sent to a specific child not the family). It made the whole party hard for all involved.

[carolinacool]

Unless it is a dire child care emergency or you are all super good friends, I don't think it's ok to ask.

This. I'd probably say OK, but would still feel compelled to make sure there is enough cake/food/favors for the siblings in order to be a good host.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Unless it is a dire child care emergency or you are all super good friends, I don't think it's ok to ask.

:yeahthat: unless it's a nursing infant or something (doesn't sound like it is),then i think it's imposing somewhat to ask. I dont' think it's just the cost issue...often time at these kinds of places there are space constrains and only x number of kids can attend...so if someone brings a sibling then that means one less space for a classmate/friend. and yeah, then the host has to buy more party favors/activity supplies or whatnot.

I have boy and girl a year apart and we have zero family in town to help babysit, so i'm sure i will deal with this often once the kids start school and get invited to more bday parties,especially ones that are more geared towards boys/girls. t will probably be a pain that one parent will have to go to the party with one DC while the other will have to stay with the other DC, especially with both of us working (weekends are precious family time). probably will have to decline a good portion just out of convenience. but i figure that's just par for the course for these kinds of things.

[TwinFoxes]

Unless it is a dire child care emergency or you are all super good friends, I don't think it's ok to ask.

:yeahthat: Add me to the chorus.

[twowhat?]

I wouldn't ask.

But people do, so I don't think it's wrong. I have noticed that the parents who do ask tend to be from a different culture, or it's a case of the parent who already rsvp'ed to come with just the invited child but then has to either revoke their rsvp or ask if a sibling can come because the spouse suddenly has to work that weekend.

And yeah - I wasn't prepared for this but if siblings come, you have to have enough favors for them as well...I almost ran out of party favors because of the sibling factor (I didn't think I needed to give favors to the siblings) and while I don't think anyone expected me to hand out favors to the siblings, my girls went on a favor-handing-out rampage, which included every sibling! Thank goodness I had a couple of no-shows and had a couple of extras so it all worked out in the end but it was CLOSE.

[magnoliaparadise]

Interesting thread - I am of the other view. When DC1 is asked to a party, I ALWAYS ask if I can bring my DC2. In fact, except for the rare occasion that my parents visited from out of state and could look after DC2, I have always (always) taken DC2 along.

However... caveats:

1) DC1 is 5 yo and we don't do drop offs (yet) here for that age, so I am only talking about parties where the parents must stay. For a drop off, I would just drop off DC1 and spend time alone with DC2 elsewhere.

2) DC2 is younger (obviously). I think bringing an older sibling is more tricky and I probably wouldn't do that.

3) DC2, at 23 months, is only just now coming full blown into her terric(ly) terrible 2s. Up until now, I have been able to either carry her or distract her. I do, gulp, think it will be harder now.

4) I always ask long before the party and I always write an email that gives the party parent/host a very easy out if s/he wants me not to bring my DC2. And I always say that I will pay for DC2 if the hosts might be charged (and I always offer at the party).

5) I always bring either a very generous gift, or two gifts (one from DC1 and one from DC2), or have DC1 give a gift to the party girl/boy and have DC 2 give a gift to the party girl/boy's younger sibling... ie I make sure that my gift shows appreciation for bringing DC2.

6) I throw big parties and always welcome siblings, if asked. I think there was only one time I declined a request to bring a sibling and in that case, there were special circumstances (the mother asking to bring her DC2 along did it at the absolute last minute and she had just been a really 'mean girl' to me for a long period of time before that and I would have had to pay for her DC2 since he would bring me over headcount).

7) I am a single parent. I don't have any relatives in my state. It is too expensive to keep getting a babysitter for my DC2 so that I can go to a party with my DC1.

The one issue I have in all this is being the party host and having other people come with their DC2s unannounced. I was amazed by how many people brought their siblings, younger AND older, without asking me ahead of time. Most did not apologize and none offered to pay extra, which I ended up having to do since their children brought me over the head count. And some of them even brought really really cheap gifts - and yes, gifts are not at all expected, but I had to pay a lot of extra money for their uninvited DC2s so it felt like they didn't appreciate my hospitality.

The only exception of the guests who brought her DC2 without asking ahead of time was one woman who apologized and said 'I brought my DC2 knowing that I am going to have a party soon for my DC1 and I wanted you to know that you could bring your DC2 along to our party.' That felt equitable and respectful.

[niccig]

After a friend had to pay extra $100 for all the extra siblings (1 family brought 3 extra children, and other families brought 1 or 2!!), I say to not do it unless dire emergency. If you do ask, ask with plenty of notice, offer to pay, and make sure the sibling isn't in the way of the activities. And expect them to say no, take it gracefully don't argue back with "well then I can't bring the DC you invited."

Many places have a restriction on numbers, it's not just a matter of paying more, it's a matter of only 20 kids will fit in the space. The extra sibling should not take up space of an invited guest. I have told parents that space is restricted, but I'll let them know closer to the party if they can bring the sibling, you get some people that cancel last minute or never RSVP.

DS is 8.5 and parties have been drop off for the last year or two, so there's no reason now for extra siblings. If you do have to drop off, a courtesy to the host is to ask another parent who you know will be there to keep an eye on your DC. I've appreciated it when parents arrange something like this. I now put on the invite "siblings welcome" or "due to space restrictions, siblings can't be accommodated" or something like that, so everyone knows, but even with the wording of we can't have siblings, people will still ask.

[MMMommy]

I would not. I think it is rude to ask if a sibling can come, even if you offer to pay for the sibling. I think just the question alone puts the host in an awkward position where they feel like they cannot say "no" even if they want to say no. Also, they may not have enough cake, food, or snacks. The host may also feel unduly obligated to provide a favor for the sibling. Even though the parent asking may not have these expectations (of food, favors, etc.), the host may still feel silently obligated. I think this puts an undue burden on the host and isn't fair or considerate to the host. I am assuming the sibling in question is not an infant when I say this, but an able bodied, capable of eating party food sibling.

However, if the party is at a big, open to all venue (like a museum, zoo, amusement park) AND the party is a drop-off (where the invited child does not require the parent chaperone), I think it would be okay for a parent and sibling to pay their own way while steering clear of the party altogether.

[wellyes]

OK thanks all.

My instinct is totally to say not ok to ask. It's just going to be a tough one for me because I can't drop off and it's 2 hours at a trampoline place. Hard to ask a 3 year old to sit on the sidelines for 2 hours at this kind of venue. I do have a couple of sitters I can usually call on, but this is a weekday afternoon, none available. (I also don't want to decline because I suspect it'll be a small crowd due to the timing).

I will bring an ipad loaded with games and cross my fingers.

[blueperidot]

This must be totally regional. For my five yr old, we've never been invited to a party where there weren't tons of siblings. It's the assumption that you are inviting all siblings b

[petesgirl]

OK thanks all.

My instinct is totally to say not ok to ask. It's just going to be a tough one for me because I can't drop off and it's 2 hours at a trampoline place. Hard to ask a 3 year old to sit on the sidelines for 2 hours at this kind of venue. I do have a couple of sitters I can usually call on, but this is a weekday afternoon, none available. (I also don't want to decline because I suspect it'll be a small crowd due to the timing).

I will bring an ipad loaded with games and cross my fingers.

Hmmm.. It seems kind of ridiculous if you will be bringing him anyway that he can't participate. My 2 yr old loves bouncy houses and would be really unhappy just watching for 2 hrs. If it isn't a 'head count' issue, I would probably ask for this one.

[carolinacool]

This must be totally regional. For my five yr old, we've never been invited to a party where there weren't tons of siblings. It's the assumption that you are inviting all siblings b

I think it depends on the party. DS is 3.5, so his invite list so far has been all of our adult friends and their similar age kids. That's included a couple of sets of siblings. But if I was having a class party, where I'm inviting just classmates, then no, I would prefer not to have siblings who I or my child have never laid eyes on show up. In Wellyes' case, I understand the issue and would be OK with that. I'm not OK with people just assuming they can bring the whole clan without trying to make other arrangements first.

[bigsis]

My instinct is totally to say not ok to ask. It's just going to be a tough one for me because I can't drop off and it's 2 hours at a trampoline place. Hard to ask a 3 year old to sit on the sidelines for 2 hours at this kind of venue. I do have a couple of sitters I can usually call on, but this is a weekday afternoon, none available. (I also don't want to decline because I suspect it'll be a small crowd due to the timing).
In this situation, I would call the trampoline place and ask if it's ok for you to pay for your own (extra) child. The probability would be high as trampoline places usually do not close the entire place for a party. A lot of other ppl (not at all with the party) go in and enjoy. So I would just bring the extra child, pay for him and bring him snacks/food.

[ett]

This must be totally regional. For my five yr old, we've never been invited to a party where there weren't tons of siblings. It's the assumption that you are inviting all siblings b

Must be regional. The majority of parties here occurs outside the house so there is a strict maximum number allowed.

[dogmom]

So, for those who think its terribly rude what would you do if a spouse works weekends? I am curious because we were in that situation. It was either (1) hire a babysitter (2) decline. Which puts working parents at a distinct disadvantage if they have to pay $20-30 + gifts for all those preschool invite the whole class parties. And since I keep seeing all these BP about people not coming to birthday parties you are sort of screwed either way

[squimp]

I don't think it's rude to ask at all. I hosted a party like that and had no problem with sibs, as long as the parent was there with younger ones.

[niccig]

So, for those who think its terribly rude what would you do if a spouse works weekends? I am curious because we were in that situation. It was either (1) hire a babysitter (2) decline. Which puts working parents at a distinct disadvantage if they have to pay $20-30 + gifts for all those preschool invite the whole class parties. And since I keep seeing all these BP about people not coming to birthday parties you are sort of screwed either way

If it's strict numbers, no extra space, then you can choose either 1 or 2 as best works for you. I agree if you know the people and can pay for your extra child, then I might ask but I wouldn't be upset if they said no and would then decide on either a sitter, call in a playdate favor if I could, or not go.

We had a party at 1 place that was very strict because of size of the space, there was no getting around that. I did have to tell people that there wasn't space for siblings. One family did drop off, another dad came and he told me it was no issue at all despite his wife saying it was next to impossible to not bring both, and another family didn't come - they were the most pissy about it, but there was not an extra spot for their son who DS didn't even know, so nothing I could do. If I had a spot, I would have said fine as already paid set price for 20 kids. The next party for DS, I went for a place that wasn't so restrictive and even honed DS's list down so there was some room eg. all the boys in his class rather than all the boys and girls, and I had space for all the siblings, but only 2 turned up!

[AnnieW625]

I would hire a sitter to stay with the younger child but only if the party required a parent in attendance as a last resort, but I would see if a friend who was going could watch my party attendee and if need be watch their other children as a thank you. or vice versa. I am fine with drop off parties from age 6 up.

If the party location is close to home this might be a good time to test out a local high school student for sitting.

OP, I also highly doubt that a trampoline place will allow a 3 yr. old to participate.

[TwinFoxes]

So, for those who think its terribly rude what would you do if a spouse works weekends? I am curious because we were in that situation. It was either (1) hire a babysitter (2) decline. Which puts working parents at a distinct disadvantage if they have to pay $20-30 + gifts for all those preschool invite the whole class parties. And since I keep seeing all these BP about people not coming to birthday parties you are sort of screwed either way


I am not one who thinks it's "terribly rude" but I think it puts the host in a awkward situation.

As for what to do if you have a spouse who works on weekends, not everyone gets to do everything. I say that as someone who only works weekends when I work. It's just one if those things in life, people can't be expected to accommodate everyone's unique situation.

[fivi2]

This is one of those tricky situations where there is no easy answer. I almost never ask to bring a sibling. Our school is small, so everyone knows my twins. If they only put one name on an invitation, that is who I bring. (I will admit that my RSVPs are specific "Twin A can come to the party". Giving them a chance to say "oh, of course bring Twin B"). And I have had several parents act offended that I didn't bring Twin B. Like they thought I was being b!tchy and making a point by only bringing one. When I was just going by who was invited. I think it embarrasses them. (note - I only leave the other twin at home at pay by the head places. I will ask if I can bring if it is an at home or park party." And at our school other parents will bring all their kids without asking, even at pay by the head places. So i think I offend them when they say "where is Twin B?" and I say "I didn't think she was invited." And there they are with their kids who weren't invited.

On my invitations I now specify whether or not we can include siblings. Usually people listen, but some get upset.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I am not one who thinks it's "terribly rude" but I think it puts the host in a awkward situation.

As for what to do if you have a spouse who works on weekends, not everyone gets to do everything. I say that as someone who only works weekends when I work. It's just one if those things in life, people can't be expected to accommodate everyone's unique situation.
:yeahthat: i agree. And it's not always working parents who are put at a disadvantage or are the only ones dealing eith this. if you are a sahm an party is during the week oftentimes spouse is working and can't watch the dc.

I have accepted the fact that we will only go to a limited number of classmate parties once they get older, just bc of logistics and it takes a lot of effort, kids get hyped up, etc...at least for people we barely know .

[AngB]

OP, I also highly doubt that a trampoline place will allow a 3 yr. old to participate.

The bounce places here have specific bounce set ups for "only 3 and under" and start for toddler age.

I would just bring your other DC as a general admission to the place assuming it's open and let him play away from the party activities while your other DC is doing the party stuff.

[o_mom]

OK thanks all.

My instinct is totally to say not ok to ask. It's just going to be a tough one for me because I can't drop off and it's 2 hours at a trampoline place. Hard to ask a 3 year old to sit on the sidelines for 2 hours at this kind of venue. I do have a couple of sitters I can usually call on, but this is a weekday afternoon, none available. (I also don't want to decline because I suspect it'll be a small crowd due to the timing).

I will bring an ipad loaded with games and cross my fingers.

Is there a reason you can't drop off? Even if just to go to McDonald's with the little guy for an hour of the party?

Also, is it an open venue - as in, you could walk in at that time and pay to jump if you were not part of a party?

[twowhat?]

With your update, OP, I would definitely ask. There are lots of parents who are either single parents or who have spouses who work on the weekends. A weekday party in the afternoon? Wow, of course there will be SAHMs who have all the kids with them. There was another PP who said she had a way of asking that wouldn't put the host in an awkward position - I wish she would post what that is! And from a host perspective, I don't feel that I was put in an awkward position if someone asks. I think I'd feel worse for a child to not be able to come because of a sibling and because the parent didn't ask. Of course if the answer was no, I would feel very bad but it is what it is - people understand there are space constraints at outside-the-home bday parties.

But off the top of my head, I would just say that you will have both kids with you on that day and can you pay for your 3yo to participate? I really think it will be MUCH harder for you to try to keep the 3 yo entertained at a place like that where all the other kids are bouncing and having a blast (assuming a 3yo CAN participate). If the answer is no, then graciously decline the invitation.

[KrisM]

The bounce places here have specific bounce set ups for "only 3 and under" and start for toddler age.

I would just bring your other DC as a general admission to the place assuming it's open and let him play away from the party activities while your other DC is doing the party stuff.

A trampoline park is very different than a bounce house place. Ours all have permanent trampolines. They do a an area that is supposedly for younger kids, but it's not very well enforced. If I took a 3 year old there, I'd be watching him and not at the party really anyway.

[wellyes]

OP here.

The reason I can't drop off is because it's an all-class party and DD is having some issues with another kid. Nothing terrible, but I'm not going to let her fend for herself in a room full of people we don't know if something comes up with no way to get to me. Obviously, this is not the host's fault! She says on the invite that drop off is OK.

The tramp park is pretty small, I don't believe there is open jumping while a party is going on. It goes by height, not age, and the 3 year old is tall enough. I probably wouldn't let him jump there during an open jump but if all the kids are 5ish, I'm ok with that.

I think I might ask. It's what I'd want another parent to do if I were the host.....

[Pennylane]

OK thanks all.

My instinct is totally to say not ok to ask. It's just going to be a tough one for me because I can't drop off and it's 2 hours at a trampoline place. Hard to ask a 3 year old to sit on the sidelines for 2 hours at this kind of venue. I do have a couple of sitters I can usually call on, but this is a weekday afternoon, none available. (I also don't want to decline because I suspect it'll be a small crowd due to the timing).

I will bring an ipad loaded with games and cross my fingers.


Is the trampoline place open to the public during the party? If so, I don't think there is anything wrong with taking your other dc.

Ann

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think if you just humbly ask, and make it clear that you understand if they can't accommodate, then you have good reasons. I would probably lay out the reasons. As the host, I'd he totally ok with it.

[mom2binsd]

I think a lot of people are responding are also thinking that they would be dropping off. I'm a single parent, and began doing drop off about age 4-5. At a place like a trampoline bouncy place it's not like it's at a mall etc where kids can wander off. I am from an area that just doesn't bring extra siblings to parties unless they are invited. Lots of people spend a lot of time planning their kids parties for those invited. Parents often feel obligated to "entertain" other parents who stay and that isn't always easy if you are trying to run the party.

In this case, I'm not sure it will be easy to keep a 3 year old from not bouncing, but I don't think I'd want a 3 year old bouncing with a bunch of 5-6 year olds either. Like o mom suggested, I'd see if there is somewhere nearby where you and your DS can go while the party is on, unless dropping off is not an option.

Edit- just saw that your reason for staying...maybe stay then, if the "problem" child doesn't show up you can leave....just an FYI, a 3 year old jumping with the bigger kids might be an issue.

[joonbug]

At my DDs last bday party, at the local indoor play area, 2 parents brought siblings. One mom
Emailed me earlier that she has noone to babysit the boy's baby sister so I told her just to bring her along, of course (babies were free anyway). Another dad brought his son along too but he paid for him and brought an extra gift for DD - actually I felt bad because he insisted his son sits with him not with other kids at the table! But I had an extra goodie bag (couple no shows) so i could give him that at least :). But it s different if there are a lot of extra kids, bringing the cost of party and food up, especially not accounted for! My biggest fear about bday parties...

[BabyBearsMom]

In our area/circle, it seems that inviting siblings is the norm and it is expected. A few times, DD1 has been invited to a party and I left DD2 at home, and was immediately asked "Where is DD2?" by the family and given an extra goodie bag for her. So now, I tend to bring DD2 along, especially if I know the family and we know pretty much all of the preschool families. This is probably because my girls are very close in age (2 years apart) and they go to the same preschool so all of the parents know DD2. When I had DD1 and DD2s birthday party, I put on the invite that siblings were invited for families that I knew had multiple kids so that it wasn't awkward.

[indigo99]

You could possibly call the venue and inquire about their party rules. Find out if it is closed to the public during a party and if parties allow a set number of guests. The bounce place that we used allowed 25 kids and charged $10 for any child over that number. We didn't get near 25 so siblings weren't a problem. If that's the case then I'd ask the host to let you know if there will be room for the sibling or if you can pay for them.

I sort of agree about a little one getting in the way though. The big kids will have to be more careful not to knock the little one down which may make it less fun for them.

[Green_Tea]

I would just bring your other DC as a general admission to the place assuming it's open and let him play away from the party activities while your other DC is doing the party stuff.

This. Drop your kid with the party and pay for the sibling's admission separately. Bring him to the other side of the place and let him jump.

I do NOT think it's OK to allow your younger DC to participate as part of the party, even if you do pay, unless siblings are specifically encouraged to come.

For the person who asked about husbands who work weekends, we did one of the following:

1) dropped off (we started this around 4 as long as we knew the family somewhat well, or if another parent we knew was staying)
2) asked another invitee if our DC could go with them
3) hired a sitter
or
4) declined

[ssand23]

This. Drop your kid with the party and pay for the sibling's admission separately. Bring him to the other side of the place and let him jump.

I do NOT think it's OK to allow your younger DC to participate as part of the party, even if you do pay, unless siblings are specifically encouraged to come.

For the person who asked about husbands who work weekends, we did one of the following:

1) dropped off (we started this around 4 as long as we knew the family somewhat well, or if another parent we knew was staying)
2) asked another invitee if our DC could go with them
3) hired a sitter
or
4) declined

I completely agree. I don't think it's okay to ask, even if it's a place where you could pay for the sibling separately unless the party host is your sister or it's been made super crystal clear up front that siblings are all welcome.

What tends to happen is that even if you pay for your extra child separately (like with a Chuck E Cheese type place), the sibling 98% of the time gravitates to the party, wants to sit with their sibling and then wants cake, a party favor, balloon, what ever is being handed out to only the children invited to the party. Now the host parent is in the awkward position of either having to fork over the extra $$ for the sibling or being put on the spot to say "sorry we don't have enough cake, party favors, coins, etc"

If you think of things another way, imagine that you are giving 1 of your children cake and fun little toys and telling the other one they can only have a piece of pizza, no cake or little toys and it's not either sibling's birthday, to go do something to do in another room and they can't have any and have to stay in that other room. How well would that go over? I'm mom to 4 kids ages 3, 10, 14 & 19 and we have very much BTDT as the parent with the sibling and as the party host put on the spot. It stinks for you, too as the parent of the sibling since you have to field the sibling being upset that they can't have cake or sit with their sibling and no favors.

I would drop off my invited child and ask a parent I know to keep an eye on my child or if they could take them all together with. If they are too young for that and I have no other options, then I'd decline the invite.