guilt over "unequal" parenting?

[lmh2402]

i've been feeling increasing amount of guilt over the fact that we sleep trained DS hard core.

DD wakes a lot during the night when she's teething or ill, and i go to her and nurse her every time. and every time i'm sitting there in the dark rocking her, all i can think about is how i let my poor son scream and scream and scream for so long.

it took so long to sleep train him. it was pure torture for all of us. but for whatever reason, H and I both felt like we had to stick with it with him. he was waking constantly and we tried the ferber in and out and that was a disaster. so we went cold-turkey - not going in at all until morning. and it took so long and he cried and cried.

it was very traumatic at the time, but for some reason i'm really fixating on it now. i feel so much guilt. i end up in tears almost every night after I put DD back to bed.

anyone else have similar experiences?

what can i do to assuage my guilt?

thx

[smilequeen]

You do what you can with the info you have at the time. You can't change anything in the past and you clearly love your children. Every child is born into a different family from the one before and nothing is ever going to be equal and that's OK. There are benefits to being the first born and benefits to being the 2nd, 3rd, etc. too. He's a pretty awesome kid right? You've done great :)

[hillview]

awww honey give yourself a break. I bet your DS is a great sleeper because of it! Don't beat yourself up.

[petesgirl]

That's what we had to do with DS. If we didn't let him cry himself to sleep (it took a couple hours each night for the first week but then got better) he seriously would never have slept at all. He didn't fall asleep nursing or rocking or anything. It was hard and I felt bad and still do when I have to let him cry but the alternative of having him so over exhausted was worse.

[daphne]

If it makes you feel any better, I sleep-trained my 1st two children, but not my 3rd (who turned 1 last month). I have a lot of guilt over all the crying they did, too. It breaks my heart when I think about it. :( That being said, DD2 is still up a few times a night & I'm not sure how much longer I can get up with her. I nurse her on-demand, still, and love it, but I'm tired. zzzz....

[BabbyO]

You do what you can with the info you have at the time. You can't change anything in the past and you clearly love your children. Every child is born into a different family from the one before and nothing is ever going to be equal and that's OK. There are benefits to being the first born and benefits to being the 2nd, 3rd, etc. too. He's a pretty awesome kid right? You've done great :)

THIS. Exactly! So well said!

[BabyBearsMom]

I am a strong believer that treating children "equally" is not necessarily give them both th exact same thing, it is about meeting each child's needs to the same extent. DD1 was a difficult sleeper, so she was sleep trained. It was 3 very hard nights but I know it was for the best because she is a phenomenal sleeper now. DD2 has always been a really good sleeper, so we didn't have to sleep train her. Each child had a different need and I met both of those needs. I don't think sleep training is cruel or mean to children either. I think they need to develop self soothing tools to create long term healthy habits and for some kids that means letting them cry for a little while. I also think that there is something to be said for mom getting some much needed sleep as well. You can't be the best mom you can be without some rest.

[flashy09]

I read somewhere that "mother's intuition" is usually right. With your DS you were same caring and loving mother, but something about his personality and traits made you go with CIO. Trust yourself that was the right decision and the other options did not work. Now DD is a different baby and you are doing what works for her and that is right as well. Don't think of DS as DD when you are feeling guilty. That might be what makes you feel bad - you are sitting there rocking and nursing DD and putting DS in her place and thinking "why did I not do this for him?"

[Globetrotter]

ou do what you can with the info you have at the time. You can't change anything in the past and you clearly love your children. Every child is born into a different family from the one before and nothing is ever going to be equal and that's OK. There are benefits to being the first born and benefits to being the 2nd, 3rd, etc. too. He's a pretty awesome kid right? You've done great :)

:yeahthat:
The dynamics change with each child, and WE change over time, plus (generally speaking) we have to meet the needs of each individual child so it's not one size fits all.

[Philly Mom]

You should feel no guilt for parenting children differently or making different choices with one child as compared to another. My parents raised three children. They parented us all differently and made different choices with each of us. Sure, some of the parenting changes were because they felt like they made mistakes, but some came from the fact that we are different people, and my parents were different people when they parented us a various ages. We all grew up, happy, successful in our own ways, contributing members of society and sure if we wanted to we could blame this or that on a parenting decision made, but it would be BS. Parents do the best they can under the circumstances they are faced with at any given moment and experience, age, money, time, etc. all impact what our choices may be. I believe, as parents the best thing we can do for our kids is to take the guilt out of it. Feel no guilt and parent your kids the best you can. That is all any of us can do.

[egoldber]

I agree that different children have different needs.

But I'm more concerned about you. :hug: I know you have been through a lot and struggle with anxiety. Fixating on past choices is another anxiety symptom. I think you are already seeing someone? Are you taking meds? If you are not able to move on from this, make sure you tell your provider because you may need meds or a dose increase if this is part of other anxiety stuff that you are dealing with.

[StantonHyde]

I agree that different children have different needs.

But I'm more concerned about you. :hug: I know you have been through a lot and struggle with anxiety. Fixating on past choices is another anxiety symptom. I think you are already seeing someone? Are you taking meds? If you are not able to move on from this, make sure you tell your provider because you may need meds or a dose increase if this is part of other anxiety stuff that you are dealing with.

This was my first thought upon reading your post as well. You have so much going on, you don't need to "create" more things to be anxious about--but that's what anxiety brains do! So I would focus not on the parenting decision, but on taking care of you.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I agree that different children have different needs.

But I'm more concerned about you. :hug: I know you have been through a lot and struggle with anxiety. Fixating on past choices is another anxiety symptom. I think you are already seeing someone? Are you taking meds? If you are not able to move on from this, make sure you tell your provider because you may need meds or a dose increase if this is part of other anxiety stuff that you are dealing with.

This was my first thought too. In all your threads I sense this strong anxiety, which i imagine must be making everything so difficult, especially with all what you have going on already. I say this as someone who has struggled in the past with anxiety and depression and had to take meds for a while. IME, living with anxiety makes everything miserable and no amount of parenting advice from BBB is going to solve it or make things easier. i went through a really hard patch when DD was about 1yo, i know i posted a ton here and now that i'ts no longer an issue for me i realized i dind't need parenting advice as much as i just needed the confidence in my own abilities as a mother and to stop second-guessing everything i did, bc that really sapped every ounce of energy I had and made everything a million times harder. I hope you're seeing someone and they are helping you. :hug: For me, meds/therapy helped considerably.

[bisous]

Different kids have different needs. You said your DS is a good sleeper now, well that is fantastic! What a nice thing for him. YOur method may be different than what you would use now (maybe, it is always hard to say what works best for an individual kid) but IMO you did a good thing. You created a good habit in a child that seems to be very affected by structure and routine. I'm SURE that he's fine. Now, you take care of you!

[bigsis]

Each child comes out of our wombs with innate personalities. Each child needs to be parented in a different way. Equal does not mean fair. We try to be as "equal" as possible, but while something might work with Child#1, does not mean it will be enough for Child#2. We all have to be full of grace as we navigate our parenting responsibilities. We will do *most* things right and mess up on a few things. Be intentional in doing the good things and be forgiving when we do the imperfect things.

HTH! I've been there. In my case, I feel the opposite. We co-slept with my DD and she could not sleep by herself until she was almost 4. We sleep-trained DS and he is the most wonderful sleeper. Up to now, if there is a party, when he is tired, he will go to his bedroom and sleep.