Birthday Gift advice needed (and gripe)

[indigo99]

My boys had their joint party last weekend, and I was a bit surprised by the presents. I know it isn't about the presents so don't even bother jumping on me about being thankful please, but I would be a bit embarrassed not to give something decent when I go to a party. I don't always give gift receipts if I get something nice on sale, but to not get a single gift receipt was kind of shocking. I tried to take one of the toys back to Target and found out that it was only $7 so maybe that's why. Some people did give a few little things together, but they were probably all purchased on clearance (sidewalk chalk, small bottle of bubbles, and a small bouncy ball). A pair of twins brought two books with a total cost of about $12. I felt a little bad for the boys because they didn't get anything that they were really excited about.

Is that normal for birthday gifts? We had a private party at a bounce place, and we fed everyone. We also had decent favors (originally $5 although I did get them on sale), and we live in the nice part of town. Actually, the families that I know have less money were the ones who brought nicer gifts.

Anyway, one of the few nice gifts (the other nice gift was unfortunately a duplicate of something they already have) came from a little girl who is having her 2nd birthday party this weekend. I found out that she likes Mickey, Dora, and Elmo so does anyone know of a gift with one of those characters in the $20 range?

[BunnyBee]

That's one of the reasons why we do no gift parties. It just seems like such a waste! In class-wide parties, you're just randomly guessing what an X-year old might like out of social obligation; it's generally not a carefully chosen item that you thought someone would love because you know them so well.

Anyway, sounds like the standard for young kid party gifts in your area is $10 (or maybe because people were buying for 2 kids at once?), so I'd adjust your expectations for next year if you opt for gifts.

You could get the 2 year old some cute Mickey/Minnie PJs from the Disney store.

[vonfirmath]

Our budget for classmate birthday gifts is $10. I rarely give gift receipts to a birthday party. My sister gives $5 gift cards to Mc Donald's. (for the girl next door, who we are good friends with, I splurged and spent nearly $40 to buy her Lego Friends sets from both my kids).

Note, My sister gave MY kids $10 Mc Donald's gift cards. They aren't spending $20 per kid even on their cousins, who they adore. Its just how the budget goes. Some people hate going to birthday parties because of having to give the gift. Even people that seem well off may be facing tighter circumstances than you realize. All that new stuff their kid has? Generous aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

[anonomom]

Honestly, the standard around here seems to be $10 for a birthday present, and I like that. There are lots of great toys in that range. But I also regularly give gifts I've purchased on clearance -- if it means someone gets a nice gift that would otherwise be over budget, then there's very little downside.

[indigo99]

The guests were only invited to the party by one boy or the other (most didn't know it was a joint party) so they were only buying for one child. I guess you're right about $10 being the standard amount spent, but I'm still surprised. We went to two parties last year for DS1, and I know that this was the first birthday party invite for some of the guests so it's not like they're buying lots of gifts. The boys really like opening presents though, and I think that they'll like picking out gifts for friends once they're a little older so I don't really want to do no-gift parties. I do appreciate the kids coming to the party, and I guess you're right about needing to adjust my expectations. If my child gets to play somewhere that usually costs $7 to enter and is then fed and given a small gift for coming, I just feel like I want to get them a decent gift. I probably would feel a little less inclined if it's a party at someone's house and they're only serving cake.

eta: I'm all for buying nicer gifts on clearance, and I do that too. That would mean that I give a $20 gift that I paid $10 for though and not a $10 gift that I paid $5 for.

[twowhat?]

That sounds pretty normal to me...I'm sure a ton of our gifts were from Target clearance (and honestly, a ton of the gifts I give are from target clearance with no gift receipt). My girls got things like bubble guns, lego friends sets (the cheapest $10 ones), lots of M&D kits and other art kits that you can get from target for $10 or less (and lots of them in duplicate!), an occassional stuffed animal, MLPs, Lalapaloozy (sp?), etc. All stuff you can get for $10 or less - and we live in a very well-off neighborhood.

We get invited to so many class parties (this year along we have gotten 10+ invitations, with most of them clustered over the summer!) and while we don't have to go to all of them, the girls know when they get invites and are totally aware of them so I do try to take them to as many as I can. All those gifts really add up!

I do try to buy nicer clearance items, particularly art kits since I know parents appreciate that they are consumable. I will buy legos if I can get them on clearance. I keep a small "gift closet" (it's really only a handful of items from Target clearance - I snap up the nicer toys that I see on clearance). So, I've given a lot of $15 items that I paid $5 for, and with the last Target toy clearance I was giving $20+ items that I paid $4-$7 for. I've gotten in the habit of doing a toy clearance sweep anytime I have to run into Target for an errand to stock the gift closet.

Disney store outlet is also a great place to get gifts. I can often cobble together something for $20-$25 as a gift from both of my girls (like a summer nightgown + flip flops for example).

And just this weekend we went into a Justice just for fun and it was 40% off the entire store and they had some hella cute stuffed animals there so I grabbed one for $10 to use as a future gift.

As for gift receipts, I always intend to get them but ALWAYS FORGET to ask!!! And it's just not worth my time to turn around and go back into the store.:shrug:

[indigo99]

I like the pajamas idea for a gift. My boys sleep in the cotton, long sleeved/pants year-round. I think they'd freeze with short sleeves since they don't keep blankets on very well. Is that what most kids that age do?

[SnuggleBuggles]

It sounds like you are trying to make your money back on the party with your calculations. Don't you host parties just to celebrate the kid (or event, like a holiday or such)? They cost a lot of money. You can opt to have smaller parties so the outpt of $ isn't that high. I know I sound harsh; I really do get where you are coming from and I admit to maybe thinking something similar occasionally after a party (there is always one WTH? gift ;)) but then I snap out of it. I'm not privvy to people's budgets. I think that you should go into parties without expecting people to "cover their plates".

[carolinacool]

It sounds like you are applying the "cover your plate" idea used regionally for weddings to kids birthday parties, and I just don't do that. I spend around $10 for a classmate gift (and don't go out of my way to look for a $20 gift that's on sale for $10). For my good friends, I spend about $20 or $25. That's the budget I'm comfortable with. I do always, always give gift receipts.

I guess it's regional and also the social class of your circle because this is the way it's worked for DS' parties as well.

[iaam]

... I think that you should go into parties without expecting people to "cover their plates".

I agree with this completely.

I love to give gifts and typically, even for classmate parties, we spend at least $20. Some times it's an item I got on sale/clearance; other times it's a Lego set. I try to do gift receipts, but honestly, I am not very good with that. My kids typically get a mix of 'good' gifts and random stuff that you are describing. Yes, if I had a choice, instead of the random stuff I would prefer consumables (paints, drawing pads, etc.) or GCs (even for a small amount) over random toys that we have no need for nor desire to play with. But, like SnuggleBuggles says, to me, a party is for us to celebrate the occassion the way we want to.

As my kids get older, I am going to try and see if they will agree to a no-gifts party.

[fauve01]

I like the pajamas idea for a gift. My boys sleep in the cotton, long sleeved/pants year-round. I think they'd freeze with short sleeves since they don't keep blankets on very well. Is that what most kids that age do?
My dd has slept in only her panties (year round in SoCal) since she was 4YO. She's always been a little heater! We would have to return PJs if we got them as a gift.

[BabyBearsMom]

I think $10ish is the norm and we live in a very HCOL, wealthy area. I agree with PP that this is why I like no-gift parties. It just makes things easier and I seriously do not need more toys in the house. I tell my girls (well, at least DD1 at this point), that the gift is having a fun time at the party with their friends so they don't expect presents. For Mickey, Dora or Elmo, I would just go to Target and pick something out.

[iaam]

I like the pajamas idea for a gift. My boys sleep in the cotton, long sleeved/pants year-round. I think they'd freeze with short sleeves since they don't keep blankets on very well. Is that what most kids that age do?

Personally, I don't like to give clothes to a kid we don't know very well. If it were me, I would pick out a toy or book. You can find plenty related to those characters.

[twowhat?]

Personally, I don't like to give clothes to a kid we don't know very well. If it were me, I would pick out a toy or book. You can find plenty related to those characters.

Yeah, in general I agree with this. Girls are a little easier depending on the age, though...I've done nightgowns for a few gifts this year because EVERYONE is into princesses, so that's easy:) So I've done nightgowns when my girls tell me with certainty "XXX likes Rapunzel things".

[BunnyBee]

It sounds like you are trying to make your money back on the party with your calculations. Don't you host parties just to celebrate the kid (or event, like a holiday or such)? They cost a lot of money. You can opt to have smaller parties so the outpt of $ isn't that high. I know I sound harsh; I really do get where you are coming from and I admit to maybe thinking something similar occasionally after a party (there is always one WTH? gift ;)) but then I snap out of it. I'm not privvy to people's budgets. I think that you should go into parties without expecting people to "cover their plates".

I agree. I enjoy throwing my kids fun parties. I would give a child the same gift regardless of whether it's a backyard gathering or $$ venue party.

[indigo99]

I wasn't trying to make my money back. I was just trying to explain how I go about deciding how much to spend which is probably why I was a bit surprised. It probably doesn't help that my birthday was two days ago, and I only got flowers from DH and birthday wishes on facebook.

[California]

That would have surprised me as well and isn't the norm for my area. How well do you know the families? With my kids I've noticed the families that we regularly hang out with spend $15-20+ on gifts they know my kids will like, and the families we don't know that well buy in the $10-15 range (I'm guessing) and get more generic stuff. Makes sense to me. They don't know my kid and are probably grabbing their generic go- to gift. Personally with three kids and a huge extended family it is a stretch to buy $15-20 gifts for every party. We definitely look for good sales and stock up! But I always try to make sure the gift is nice and fits with the personality of the kid. It sounds like the gifts may not have felt thoughtful to you and that is part of what is bothering you.

[TwoBees]

I think this is another "it depends where you live" question. I try to spend between $10 and $20 on a gift, preferably around $15 (or, $15 original price even if I get it on sale). Maybe I'm wrong but I thought when you gave a gift receipt, the recipent would get a store credit for the regular price of the item, not the sale price that you paid? For close friends I spend between $20 and $50. Yes, up to $50 for some friends, depending on how close we are and how much they have spent on us in the past. I live in a fairly HCOL area.

Kohls has lots of Mickey and Dora gifts in the toys section and the clothes section.

[California]

Gift receipt will get you store credit for amount paid- not original price if it was on sale when you bought it.

[khm]

Yeah. A gift receipt just hides the price. If they don't use it they won't know what you spent. But if they do they will get credit for exactly what was paid. Can be beneficial if you pay full price then it goes on sale. Then they'd get full price. With no receipt they'd get sale price. Assuming it could be returned at all.

[reneed]

I try to keep it to 25. per kid and when I had DS's party last year I noticed some parents spent less and some way more but most were in that range. Since the kids are getting older I have been doing alot of gift cards to Target, Gap or Toys r us which I keep at 25.

[TxCat]

I would give a child the same gift regardless of whether it's a backyard gathering or $$ venue party.

:yeahthat: x 100. And also to what SnuggleBuggles posted. I would not differentiate on type of venue or food served - I can't imagine doing that to a friend getting married so I certainly wouldn't do that to a kid. Parents may not be spending as much actual money on a home party with "just cake" but they are likely doing a lot more work themselves to host at home. Regardless, I wouldn't penalize the kid based on party venue.

I spent about $30 on the neighbor girl's present this year - we see our neighbors a lot and are friendly with then and I want to keep up good relations. We're going to our first "classroom" party this weekend, but we don't know the kid or the parents at all. I'm spending $14 so far (2 M&D reusable sticker books), and I'm thinking about adding in a costume bracelet set to bump up to $19. I have no idea what the usual norm is here.

[KrisM]

I don't usually give gift receipts either for those parties. Sometimes, I do, if it's something likely to be a duplicate.

Also, having a party at home is a ton of work - I have to clean my house, decorate my house, make the food, make the cake, etc. We did a location party this year and it was so very easy - show up and bring a cake! So, really, people throwing an at home party deserve more, if you're going to differentiate gifts by type of party. But, really, I think that's a bad idea.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

It sounds like you are trying to make your money back on the party with your calculations. Don't you host parties just to celebrate the kid (or event, like a holiday or such)? They cost a lot of money. You can opt to have smaller parties so the outpt of $ isn't that high. I know I sound harsh; I really do get where you are coming from and I admit to maybe thinking something similar occasionally after a party (there is always one WTH? gift ;)) but then I snap out of it. I'm not privvy to people's budgets. I think that you should go into parties without expecting people to "cover their plates".
:yeahthat:

When i was a SAHM, we went to bday parties in my mom's group about 1-2x a month (most during the week)...with that many, $10 gift or less was typically the norm, and we are in a well-off area. It just seems a little ridiculous to be spending $20 or so on gifts all the time when kid is like 2 or 3 years oldand many times you dn't know exactly what the other kid really likes or what they already have. For bday gifts I would often get a Melissa and Doug toy or puzzle on clearance from amazon for like $7 (but it was worth $12). I got lots of things from Ross, marshalls ...or from Amazon or KidsWoot! (e.g. thomas trains retialing for $20 for $8). In all those cases, i never provided a gift receipt as i bought the item online. I never dreamed that that would annoy someone, honestly! I think maybe only 20% of the time i purchase gifts and get a gift receipt and that is for things like clothes from Gymboree (usually for baby showers) or whatever so they can exchange the size/color or whatever.

now my kids are 2.5 and 3.5, and i work full time so now we only go to bday parties for really good friends and my niece/nephews, so maybe 2-3 bday parties a year and so we spend more (like $20-$30 per dc). I think for classmate/playgroup parties where more kids are in attendance, it's just normal to get cheap, $10 gifts, bc there are just so many of them.

Not saying you're a bad person for being annoyed by all this because i sometimes get that feeling too, and yes some folks are cheapskates when it comes to these things. But i just wanted to reiterate that this is pretty normal (not getting gift reciepts, getting relatively cheap gifts) and you can't really expect guests to "cover their plates". If i host a huge birthday party at a bounce house or whatever I certainly don't expect "better" gifts than if i had had a casual in-home birthday party! i'f always done at home birthday parties just bc it's easier for me and the kids.

[ett]

eta: I'm all for buying nicer gifts on clearance, and I do that too. That would mean that I give a $20 gift that I paid $10 for though and not a $10 gift that I paid $5 for.

But the gift receiver doesn't know that you paid $10 for a $20 gift. So I usually base the gift value based on the retail price of the gift and not what I paid for it. I wouldn't give a $40 gift that I paid $10 for because then the other person would feel awkward thinking I spent that much money on the gift. They don't know that I got it at 75% off.

Some of our local toy stores also highly inflates their prices. A $7 gift at Target may cost $10 at the toy store. You don't really know how much people paid for the gifts.

[KrisM]

But the gift receiver doesn't know that you paid $10 for a $20 gift. So I usually base the gift value based on the retail price of the gift and not what I paid for it. I wouldn't give a $40 gift that I paid $10 for because then the other person would feel awkward thinking I spent that much money on the gift. They don't know that I got it at 75% off.

Some of our local toy stores also highly inflates their prices. A $7 gift at Target may cost $10 at the toy store. You don't really know how much people paid for the gifts.

Me, too. I buy on clearance to save myself money, not to give nicer gifts.

[sste]

I don't get upset about price . . . but I have had some twinges over excessively messy gifts or gifts with a gazillion tiny pieces that aren't legos. I don't personally engage in gift closet, bargain hunting etc as I question the bargain aspect after you factor in gas, storage, your time, and the amount of money I at least inevitably spend once I set foot in Target. But I don't mind it all on the rec'ing end . . . just don't give my preschooler a figure with 80 small pieces that I need to set up because it was on sale and looks like "alot of gift," I beg you!

Our go-to gift is a $15 gift card to B&N (local to us) for the child to pick out a book or small toy. This would be a disaster gift if everyone gave gift cards but we are usually the only ones and the feedback we have rec'd from parents it that it was nice for the child to pick out a book or cd a week or two later when bday playing with the new toys has worn off a bit. Maybe they are graciously lying to us I don't know!

OP, I think of bday parties as our main entertaining expenditure for the year. We are on the low end of hosting cookouts, dinner parties, etc in large part because of the space. So, I sort of mentally account for our not insignificant bday party expenditures as entertaining our friends, getting to know the kids' classmates and parents etc. My kids are mostly into the unwrapping and getting the gift rather than the gift itself -- I think most kids are. I think your kids may have been more excited by the whole thing than you think!

[HonoluluMom]

I definitely think this varies by region.

I've thrown two birthday parties for DD, both at private venues. The first party, I would say the average for each gift was probably in the $40-$50 range. The second party was actually a no gifts party, but everyone bought a gift :shrug::shrug: with an average of about $30.

For the parties DD has been invited to, I provided receipts since I don't really keep a gift closet. I spend about the same amount for parties held at homes and private venues. I do recall perhaps not providing receipts for a few sets of books that I bought on-line for an amazing price and they were given as gifts many months after the purchase.

[indigo99]

I guess the reason I might feel like giving a nicer gift if going to Chuck E Cheese or a bounce place rather than a backyard is that I sort of feel like the host is trying to do something more special and out of the ordinary to make the kids happy (these are little kids who don't know each other well and don't necessarily play games or play with other kids much yet). I appreciate that my child is going to have fun so I want to do something special for their kid. I realize that not everyone agrees with that line of thinking and that home parties are a lot of work. That is exactly why I didn't do one! We paid about $450 total on the party, and I think that the kids had fun so it was well worth that amount not to have a party at my house.

By the way, I do have a list of about 30 gift ideas on amazon (I keep one going all the time anyway to watch for price drops), and about half of the guests did ask me for ideas so I sent the link. Most of the items were $10-$20 and most could be found locally for people who didn't want to order online so it's not really like they had no idea what my kids might like. None of those who asked for ideas actually bought anything off the list *shrug* Anyway... I truly am happy that the kids could come, and my boys did have a nice time.

Also, I would have loved to just get some gift cards for $10-$15. I was able to take a few gifts back for credit and let each of my boys pick out a $20 toy at Target (with me paying the difference). One chose a vtech helicopter and the other got a toy piano, but they've both played with those toys daily.

[ckso]

We live in Los Angeles and our venue parties are pretty expensive. There's no way ill make up the cost with the gifts

It pretty normal to not get receipts although I'm usually pretty happy if I get one for a gift I didn't want. At our last party which were moms in our playgroup that we were close to, people spent between $10-$20. 3 of my best friends were there and they gave $50 GC toward PBK because they know I've been wanting to get an anywhere chair

As DD gets older ill probably do more classmate parties where I don't know them very well and will probably expect the less than $10 gifts

Personally I always give gifts that are worth at least $15 -$20 (bought on sale of course)

[wellyes]

There are people who give crappier presents to kids in their parents don't spend $ for a venue? That's terribly sad.

I have thrown 2 venue parties for DD in a relatively HCOL area- outside Boston. Most gifts were $10ish. I honestly felt more awkward about the 2 families that clearly spent $30+ on her last year.


Also, I would have loved to just get some gift cards even if they were just the $10-$15. I was able to take a few gifts back for credit and let each of my boys pick out a $20 toy at Target (with me paying the difference). One chose a vtech helicopter and the other got a toy piano, but they've both played with those toys daily.

The presents are for the kids, and your kids are under 5..... a gift card would not be an appropriate gift IMO.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

The presents are for the kids, and your kids are under 5..... a gift card would not be an appropriate gift IMO.

:yeahthat: yes, this. Were your kids actually disappointed about the quality of gifts they received? My DS is 3.5 and is obsessed with Thomas wooden trains which I admit are very pricey (i never buy them for retail price). But seriously, if he just got a dozen gumball-machine quality plastic trains he'd be happy. Once during Christmas seasons I bought a $2 plastic motorized train/track set from CVS bc it was on sale and he was beyond thrilled and playing with it for a solid hour. It was such a cheap piece of junk though i tossed it one day when he wasn't looking, LOL. But seriously.... I honestly doubt kids really care at this age if the item they got was $5 or $15.

And you mentioned most people didn't get gifts off your suggested list...that's likely because they assumed somebody else bought it (i know i would assume that). Unless it's a registry set up somewhere there's no way to keep track, and i know i'd be afraid of buying a duplicate item. I know things can be returned but I hate to be the one to give a kid something and them all open it and then and disappointed "i already have one/two etc of these!!" ..i don't know.

i 've never really heard of gift cards as presents for younger kids. i know we've never gotten them. i know for like an 8 or 9yo nephew i may give an iTunes or Barnes & Noble gift card or something, since by that age their tastes in clothing, books etc are so specialized, but for younger kids it doesn't seem very common.

[Pennylane]

It has never occurred to me to buy a present based on where the event is held. If it is a classmate that we don't know that well I will spend $10 - $15 on a gift. Really good friend $ 20 + . I always try to email to find out what the child likes ahead of time and include a gift receipt if I remember to get one. I think what your dc received sounds pretty normal to me.


Of course I never know if they liked it because no one sends thank you notes anymore.....but that's a whole other post :)

Ann

[Momit]

That's one of the reasons why we do no gift parties. It just seems like such a waste! In class-wide parties, you're just randomly guessing what an X-year old might like out of social obligation; it's generally not a carefully chosen item that you thought someone would love because you know them so well.

Anyway, sounds like the standard for young kid party gifts in your area is $10 (or maybe because people were buying for 2 kids at once?), so I'd adjust your expectations for next year if you opt for gifts.

You could get the 2 year old some cute Mickey/Minnie PJs from the Disney store.

This, exactly. It's so hard to pick a gift for a kid you barely know. DS receives gifts from us and close family/friends, but parties when we invite kids from his class are always no gifts. Most of his classmates do the same thing but we have had a few surprises where I have to study the invite, thinking I missed the no gifts part. I hate to spend $20 or more on something that may very well end up at Goodwill, but I also feel funny with gift receipts if I get a great deal on something.

[indigo99]

I did send out thank you notes already, and I didn't mean to "trash" anyone. I realize now that my standard is just not the same as others.

[carolinacool]

I guess this is thing: What you and your kids consider crappy, some other kid/parent would probably love. I know a kid who loves books, any books. He would have been happy with those. My kid is all about bubbles and bouncy balls. Probably would have wanted to open them then and there. I don't think anyone is on a high horse here, but you've decided what is crappy and are trashing other people for not giving you "quality." My kid has tons of Melissa & Doug stuff. Couldn't care a wink about it. And there are plenty of kids who have more fun at home parties because venue parties overwhelm them.

No one is going to know your kid as well as you do and what they like to do. I think most people do the best they can in these situations.

[ett]

There are people who give crappier presents to kids in their parents don't spend $ for a venue? That's terribly sad.


It has never occurred to me that people would do this either. We've been to parties at venues, at people's homes, at the park and I always give gifts of the same values, unless it's a close friend, then I'd spend more. And I agree with PP that hosting a home party is way more work.

[ett]

I guess this is thing: What you and your kids consider crappy, some other kid/parent would probably love. I know a kid who loves books, any books. He would have been happy with those. My kid is all about bubbles and bouncy balls. Probably would have wanted to open them then and there. I don't think anyone is on a high horse here, but you've decided what is crappy and are trashing other people for not giving you "quality." My kid has tons of Melissa & Doug stuff. Couldn't care a wink about it. And there are plenty of kids who have more fun at home parties because venue parties overwhelm them.

No one is going to know your kid as well as you do and what they like to do. I think most people do the best they can in these situations.

Well said. A gift is just that. You may love it or you may not. My kids have gotten plenty of gifts that they don't care for and don't play with. They get donated but I don't replace it with something else. They get plenty of gifts that they love from family already.

[HannaAddict]

I am usually the outlier on the posts on the BBB about birthday gifts. We spend at least $20, closer to $30 for birthday gifts, no matter where the party is held. Based on this board, many people seem to stockpile things from Target in a gift closet, so no gift receipt and the value would be very low if you tried to return or exchange the item. We rarely receive items that are $10, usually people spend $15-20 here minimum and it can include cool books, art supplies, Lego sets, etc. We just gave a Breyer horse and Lego set to a child for their birthday, probably spent about $40 but he is a good friend. We also wrap things cutely, not gift bags in our circle. My in-laws are the king of gift bags and gifts from the Navy Exchange so no way to ever return. I like buying the presents for the kiddos, but I also think a cheaper gift is fine for kids. We don't "need" anything, nothing, but my kids like opening the presents and celebrating on their birthday.

FWIW, I will do a gift receipt if I remember, but do try and buy local and support our local bookstore and great independent toy stores, so folks can return it without a formal receipt. I wouldn't expect a gift receipt for a kids' party except maybe from family/relative who is buying them clothes (that will not be my style or the kids and wrong size) but usually we just Goodwill the clothes and kids play with the toys even if it isn't the most amazing or "thoughtful" toy ever. I also make no distinction based on venue, but the bounce house places are not a place I would think I need to "bump up" a gift for - they are more generic versus a really thought out, decorated, cool event (riding lesson, pottery wheel sculpting, etc.). Our friends have both types of parties and the kids love them all!

ETA As fare as kids not being excited about their gifts, I don't think the party for all the kids is where I would expect my child to get anything specific. I am the parent and the "big" gift or thing I know they want is generally from me or my dad (the "fun" grandpa) or other close friend or family. The gifts from classmates, etc. is just icing on the cake so to speak, fun to open and bonus if there is something awesome in there. Sometimes I feel like we just all trade Lego sets for the boys at least.

[HannaAddict]

What do you like to give for gifts? I am curious since I love giving books for all ages . . . now I'm worried!

[khm]

I guess this is thing: What you and your kids consider crappy, some other kid/parent would probably love. I know a kid who loves books, any books. He would have been happy with those. My kid is all about bubbles and bouncy balls. Probably would have wanted to open them then and there. I don't think anyone is on a high horse here, but you've decided what is crappy and are trashing other people for not giving you "quality." My kid has tons of Melissa & Doug stuff. Couldn't care a wink about it. And there are plenty of kids who have more fun at home parties because venue parties overwhelm them.

No one is going to know your kid as well as you do and what they like to do. I think most people do the best they can in these situations.

Precisely! My son would love anything, he's so easy. MY preference would be.... consumables. I feel like we are drowning in stuff. Stuff with a zillion pieces (Lego!!), stuff, stuff, stuff. Outdoor things and consumable things are my go-to. Not because of price, but because I assume the other moms feel overwhelmed with stuff too. We all talk about how we try and figure out storage and toy rotation solutions, IKEA EXPEDITS, BINS! Frantic tidy how-tos, how to clear out toys when we are expecting guests, etc.

When we did do the large parties, ugh, seeing 30 pricey toys just made my stomach turn. Where was it all going to GO?? It felt so colossally "too much".

We all WERE too generous when the kids were little, but it seems after a few years and a few zillion parties of all stripe (all class, a few friends, giant venue, backyard/park) we all kind of came to a consensus and agree less is indeed more!

[MMMommy]

I agree with PPs that what some consider "crap" can be considered a great gift. To each his own. I can't imagine spending on a gift based on the venue of the party. If anything, I would base what I spend on how well I (or my children) know the host family or birthday child. If a relative or close friend, I spend more. I think at-home parties are a heck of a lot more work, and I think most parents host at outside venues because of that.

[HannaAddict]

Well said. A gift is just that. You may love it or you may not. My kids have gotten plenty of gifts that they don't care for and don't play with. They get donated but I don't replace it with something else. They get plenty of gifts that they love from family already.

Agree with this and with carolinacools original response.

[bisous]

I tend to spend $20 or so on gifts for kids. I think this is about the upper end in my circle of friends, though. No matter, most kids parties we attend these days I actually do know the kids well and I personally think that it is fun to buy a gift that a child is really excited about. I know it is lame, but it is super fun for me. I like to "wow" them. That said, we don't spend nearly $450 on parties but I think my kids have wonderful parties and that they are very fun. It does hurt my feelings to think that my parties aren't perceived of as much "fun" as a party at a venue. It is a money thing for us but I always thought that money didn't matter so much as thought and creativity and making guests feel comfortable. I guess I've learned other people don't feel that way. :(

[waitingforgrace]

It's totally the norm here for gifts to be in the $10-$20 range.

It really saddens me to think people would purposely give a less expensive gift to someone having a home party, or that it's "less special" of a party. We've been to some great in-home parties and hosting one ourselves. Most everyone gave us wonderful feedback that it was one of the best little kid birthday parties they had been too.

I do generally ask the parents for some ideas of things their DC likes, but I would probably be put off by them sending me an Amazon wish list. The normal response I get is "my DC likes books, crafts, barbies, etc" not specfic items.

OP, maybe just adjust your expectations a little and pay attention at some other parties you go to. You'll figure out what the norm is by you.

[indigo99]

They get plenty of gifts that they love from family already.

That's probably part of the problem. DH and I get the boys gifts of course, and my in-laws in Europe send them something (usually clothes since it has to be mailed), but we don't have anyone else buying gifts for them. Anything nice that they have, I picked out and bought.

[sste]

Well, not the OP but I need to add that I am in awe of home parties. I have thrown two and I am exhausted just remembering them! We switched to venues in large part because of that and both times I literally ignored the bday child because of running around hosting -- we don't have relatives to speak of to help out and the latter time our paid helper bailed at the last minute.

OP, I always buy two gifts that I know will be a big hit and the gparents usually ask me for suggestions so I know that gift will be a hit. Then it is not a big deal if the child is not particularly engaged with the other toys they receive. I don't think any of the guests intended to slight you or not value you/the party if that is part of your concern. It is probably just the norm in your area or of the giftgiver. At our recent party for DD we rec'd everything from $50 worth of toys from a high end store to a two-pack of bubbles! People vary a lot on this and also I know in my area there are so many dual career families that often they are grabbing things out of their own cabinets minutes before the party because there is just no time to shop!

[indigo99]

The book are great. We had books on our gift list. I'd actually added several books, games, and movies rather than all toys. It was just the fact that the two together cost $12 and were a combined gift from two guests. If both of my boys are invited to a party then I would probably take one nicer gift or two average priced gifts. I was just surprised that the average seemed to be less than $10 when I would have expected $15-$20.

For the party this weekend, I think I'll get her this Minnie toy (http://www.amazon.com/Fisher-Price-Disneys-Minnie-Birthday-Bowtique/dp/B0093N52IK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1378934761&sr=8-1&keywords=minnie+birthday+bowtique). They have it at Target. The last party we went to, both of my boys were invited to a party for twins. I bought each twin a funtainer and name labels since they were starting preschool.

[TxCat]

That's probably part of the problem. DH and I get the boys gifts of course, and my in-laws in Europe send them something (usually clothes since it has to be mailed), but we don't have anyone else buying gifts for them. Anything nice that they have, I picked out and bought.

:confused: I guess I'm not seeing what the "problem" is. I wouldn't necessarily expect the nicest/best gifts to come from friends or even extended family - I would assume it should come from DH and I since we're going to spend the most on our child's present in most cases, and we know our kids far better than friends and relatives, especially at these young ages. Also, I feel I need to echo what everyone else has said about the sheer volume of stuff and preferring to cut down on it. Maybe my DD is unique in this way, but she gets overstimulated with the more presents that she receives, and doesn't even play with everything or take note of it if she's received a lot of gifts. For us, that's another reason why gifts like books or consumables make more sense.

[div_0305]

This has got to be very regional--I live in an HCOL area, and our class parties are well a bit over the top sometimes. Either way, we spend about $15-25 on classmate gifts, and more often the higher end of that. For very good buddies, we spend $25-35. Almost all of the gifts we have received come with gift receipts, and after returning some gifts with those, the amounts ranged from about $20-35, so I think I'm on the low end of what most people spend here on gifts. There are the outliers, where you get a gift likely from a bargain bin somewhere, but that is just more a nuisance of where to donate them later. In preschool, the average gift was between $15-20. All in all, I think the majority of our attendees are very generous with gifts, and we like to reciprocate.

ETA: I used to keep a gift closet with major bargains for gifts, but seeing that 90% of people here do gift receipts I don't do that anymore. Now I have a small gift closet for "just because" gifts.

[HonoluluMom]

OP, in my very humble opinion, if the norm is around $10, I would try to stick to that amount.

[NCGrandma]

We also wrap things cutely, not gift bags in our circle. My in-laws are the king of gift bags and gifts from the Navy Exchange so no way to ever return .

Oh dear ... Are gift bags considered tacky? As someone who is seriously gift-wrapping-impaired (my DGD could do a better job wrapping pkgs neatly when she was a preschooler), I was elated when attractive gift bags became available. That's all I use for gifts to anyone. If anyone is making fun of me for doing that, they definitely haven't seen my pathetic wrapping attempts.

That said, I like to think that the *contents* of the gift bags are thoughtfully selected for the recipient (as well as being a bargain, of course!).

[♥ms.pacman♥]

It was just the fact that the two together cost $12 and were a combined gift from two guests. If both of my boys are invited to a party then I would probably take one nicer gift or two average priced gifts. I was just surprised that the average seemed to be less than $10 when I would have expected $15-$20.


Ok I guess this is the part that I don't understand , or I guess I disagree with. For all birthday parties we've ever attended, both my kids have been invited and usually both attend. Usually it's a mom's playgroup thing so all DC are invited, or a family type parties on a weekend . It never occurred to me that I need to spend twice as much on the gift because both my DC are attending. I guess in the case of twins you could make the argument that if you go to their birthday party you will have to spend twice as much for gifts, all at the same time, but again, that seems to pull out more of the tit-for-tat mentality. And in the end, you don't know if they will invite your DC to their party..they may end up having a small-family -only party and not doing a classmate party so they don't expect to be "reimbursed" or whatever gift-wise.

[carolinacool]

Oh dear ... Are gift bags considered tacky? As someone who is seriously gift-wrapping-impaired (my DGD could do a better job wrapping pkgs neatly when she was a preschooler), I was elated when attractive gift bags became available. That's all I use for gifts to anyone. If anyone is making fun of me for doing that, they definitely haven't seen my pathetic wrapping attempts.

See, I like wrapped gifts, but I think gift bags are way more practical at party places where gifts are opened in front of people. You can keep the card with the gift easier and it's easier to tote everything to the car.

I selfishly like gift bags because after my baby showers, I didn't have to buy another bag for other baby showers for close to a year. Lol

[SnuggleBuggles]

Bring on the gift bags! I use pretty tissue paper and a bow when I use them. I wrap or use bags based on the item(s). Some lend themselves better to one or the other. I too didn't know it was a status or elite thing to skip bags. Heck, most gifts here are the ones complimentary wrapped at Learning Express so I really don't care what the kind gift giver wants to present.

[ZeeBaby]

I spend between $10-20 on gifts for bday parties the kids get invited to. We can't afford to do $20 for every party. I save that for kids we know well or kids that my kids have known for more then a short time. DD2 currently has 20 kids in her class. I can not afford to spend $20 at each party. That would be $400 for this year alone for one kid and I have 2. OP I am sorry you didn't get gifts you wanted for your kids, but I don't think you should expect quality gifts from a party where the invitees don't even really know your kid. Many people I know do not do class party for that exact reason. It's really a choice to have the party in the first place. You can't be upset they didn't get good gifts.

[carolinacool]

That's probably part of the problem. DH and I get the boys gifts of course, and my in-laws in Europe send them something (usually clothes since it has to be mailed), but we don't have anyone else buying gifts for them. Anything nice that they have, I picked out and bought.

I did want to come back and respond to this. The only people who reliably buy gifts for DS' birthday and Christmas are us and my parents. DH's parents live across the country. MIL is on a very limited budget and sends when she can. FIL and SMIL are very sporadic. We get nothing from siblings, great-grandparents, etc. Our house is not overrun with toys that we are constantly cycling in and out. If we ever did no-gift parties, DS literally would only have two gifts to open (like last year when we skipped his 3rd bday party). So we are very appreciative of birthday gifts. I do completely understand that side of it better than most.

[3isEnough]

I've always spent about $20 on gifts for my kids' friends and often give gift cards. I was completely shocked (and a little embarrassed) when my son had a big birthday party last year and invited all of the boys in his grade (about 35 kids) and at least half of them gave him GCs, all of which were $25 and up. In all, he received nearly $500 in gift cards. Now I give $25 as standard, which really adds up since my kids go to a lot of bday parties. But apparently the $25+ gift is the norm here so I just suck it up. And besides, we're still using up the collection of GCs he received.

[wellyes]

I think gift bags are standard, and an extra-nice wrapping job is delightful.


I've always spent about $20 on gifts for my kids' friends and often give gift cards. I was completely shocked (and a little embarrassed) when my son had a big birthday party last year and invited all of the boys in his grade (about 35 kids) and at least half of them gave him GCs, all of which were $25 and up. In all, he received nearly $500 in gift cards. Now I give $25 as standard, which really adds up since my kids go to a lot of bday parties. But apparently the $25+ gift is the norm here so I just suck it up. And besides, we're still using up the collection of GCs he received.

Wow! How old is he? I'm thinking at least late elementary?
I think 6 and under gift are way easier than older kid gifts.

[3isEnough]

I think gift bags are standard, and an extra-nice wrapping job is delightful.



Wow! How old is he? I'm thinking at least late elementary?
I think 6 and under gift are way easier than older kid gifts.

He was turning 9, so yes - late elementary. It's totally crazy for him to get that much in bday presents, which is in part why we didn't do a party this year at all.

[fivi2]

I think gifts at our school are usually in the $10 (and under) range. Could be because I have twins, but that also seems about what I have seen at other kids' parties. My girls are usually quite happy with their gifts. We also go to a school where many families don't have a ton of room in their budget, so I am happy that they made the effort to come celebrate with us no matter what the gift is.

[pb&j]

I may be out of the norm, but when I host a party, the intent is to celebrate, not to receive gifts. I would never show up to a party (unless it was no gifts) without a gift, but if someone came to one of DC's parties and did not bring a gift, I wouldn't be at all offended. The host or guest of honor isn't owed a certain caliber of gift.

I typically don't give gift receipts for birthday presents because they came out of the gift closet or from amazon. The kids have only rarely received gift receipts.

It is really tough to buy presents for kids that aren't yours - you just don't know what makes them tick. FTR, I have one that would be over the moon to get sidewalk chalk as a gift!! In fact, I am sure we have given sidewalk chalk and bubbles as a gift.

Also, I'd be careful about assuming who has more or less money. Just because someone drives a nice car doesn't mean they have more money in the bank than someone who drives a junker.

[123LuckyMom]

Gift giving varies around here. I typically spend $20ish on gifts. I absolutely do not adjust based on whether the party is at home or in a venue, though I must admit that in my secret, judgey heart, I think holding a party at a venue is waaaaaay less special than a party at home. I know when I hold parties at venues it's because I don't have the energy to put together a party myself. I'd rather pay someone else to do it than take the time and effort to be inventive. That's not to say that we don't appreciate a good bounce house ;), but still.

As far as the kinds of gifts we've received, I wouldn't love getting lots of cheapie plastic stuff, but DS would, and I would enjoy his pleasure. He has gotten some dud gifts that I thought he should love, but he just didn't. Often these were more expensive gifts, but there's no accounting for taste! The important thing to me is that my kids feel celebrated and that they are grateful for all the people who love and care about them. A child's presence at a party is always more important to us than their present.

[pb&j]

Oh dear ... Are gift bags considered tacky? As someone who is seriously gift-wrapping-impaired (my DGD could do a better job wrapping pkgs neatly when she was a preschooler), I was elated when attractive gift bags became available. That's all I use for gifts to anyone. If anyone is making fun of me for doing that, they definitely haven't seen my pathetic wrapping attempts.

That said, I like to think that the *contents* of the gift bags are thoughtfully selected for the recipient (as well as being a bargain, of course!).

My trick is that I wrap in plain white butcher paper, and have the kids decorate the gift. If the wrapping job looks sloppy, I just say that DC did the whole thing. LOL.

[indigo99]

In an earlier thread, the majority seemed to think that it was rude to have a party anywhere near a meal time (which is obviously most of the day)and not serve food (and have enough for parents). So it isn't a problem for the party host to feel obligated to feed the whole family if the party ends at noon, but guests shouldn't feel obligated to bring a decent gift? Yes, it's a gift, but it's a birthday party for a child. If I am going to worry about the guests having fun and eating then I do expect that they should worry about giving my child something that they will be excited about. If you ask for ideas, and I give some specifics along with a description of the child's likes (planes, vehicles, Mickey Mouse, anything with moving parts like gears), but you decide to give him a $5 cardboard puzzle with a tv character that he's never heard of then it just makes me feel like you didn't really care as much about my child as I did about yours.

If we invite brothers to the party instead of two unrelated guests then I expect you to spend a little more on the gift you give because that's what I would do if both of my boys went to a party. Yes, if my child goes to a party for twins then I will get each a gift or spend more on a combined gift. It's two kids giving or receiving so why wouldn't it be the same in both instances?

I don't known if it's regional or just me, but I do think that if you can afford to give a gift then you should feel obligated to give the birthday child one.

Most everyone agrees that they will spend more on gift for certain kids (those they know better for instance). I just admitted that I may spend more if I'm going to a party where I know that the hosts are paying more for my child to be included. I will also spend more on kids after they've given my child a nicer gift because I think that the parents probably have the same expectations/standard as I do. I don't see how that is punishing the child at all if my cheaper gift costs as much as what everyone else is giving anyway.

*sigh*I was originally just surprised and a little annoyed, but this thread has just made me feel worse so I think I should just stop now :)

[barkley1]

I'm really amazed by this thread. A few thoughts...

-IMHO birthday parties are to celebrate the life of someone special, not to refresh their toy inventory for the next few months. I could not care less (and so could DC) if a guest didn't bring a gift. I'm just thrilled they took the time out of their busy day to be a good friend and show my Dc that they are special and loved with the gift of their presence.

-I aim for $15 or less, depending on sales,etc. Between preschool classes for both DC, and my mommy group's kids and siblings, I'd be flat BROKE if I spent $20-$30 on every one of them! That seems to be the norm around here. Heck, my BEST friend in the whole world only spent $20 on DD recently, and BFF is loaded! It's because all of our kids are so fortunate and have so much....they don't need a bunch more crap, and we all know it.

-Parties at a venue are not bc the host wants the kids to have more fun, or do something special for them, therefore deserving a better gift. They are at a venue because its hella easier. Period.

[Radosti]

Ahh, first world problems. If you don't want the stuff, return it to Target or Walmart for whatever you get and that's all. Or, better yet, find an organization that deals with low income kids (we have Cradles to Crayons here) and donate the whole lot to them. I bet you they would be ecstatic to get a bunch of cheap little gifts to give out to kids who would have none otherwise. It will also serve as a great lesson to the twins to donate unwanted items to someone who would treasure them.

[petesgirl]

In an earlier thread, the majority seemed to think that it was rude to have a party anywhere near a meal time (which is obviously most of the day)and not serve food (and have enough for parents). So it isn't a problem for the party host to feel obligated to feed the whole family if the party ends at noon, but guests shouldn't feel obligated to bring a decent gift? Yes, it's a gift, but it's a birthday party for a child. If I am going to worry about the guests having fun and eating then I do expect that they should worry about giving my child something that they will be excited about. If you ask for ideas, and I give some specifics along with a description of the child's likes (planes, vehicles, Mickey Mouse, anything with moving parts like gears), but you decide to give him a $5 cardboard puzzle with a tv character that he's never heard of then it just makes me feel like you didn't really care as much about my child as I did about yours. If we invite brothers to the party instead of two unrelated guests then I expect you to spend a little more on the gift you give because that's what I would do if both of my boys went to a party. Yes, if my child goes to a party for twins then I will get each a gift or spend more on a combined gift.

*sigh*I was originally just surprised and a little annoyed, but this thread has just made things worse so I think I should just stop now :)

I've actually been surprised at how many on the BBB think that a party invite needs to include the whole family. Growing up, we never invited families and siblings unless they were close family friends. But for friend parties, we invited my friends and that was it. Even the idea of inviting the whole school class is foreign to me.

[ssand23]

One thing I've found helpful to steer guests towards gifts your child likes is to send out or give out character invitations with your child's favorite thing on it. I usually look at the invitations for gift clues. If you got a Thomas the Train or dinosaurs invitation, most likely the birthday child thinks that item rocks and would love more or something with that theme.

Another is when I call to RSVP, I ask for gift ideas. I make a point to do that so I remember to RSVP. The only time I don't ask for gift ideas is when I have a stocked gift closet and then I ask my child who was invited what they think would be the best gift closet choice if they are old enough to do so. I keep the gift closet stocked with stuff my kids would like or are generally popular with that age set. For example, my younger 2 girls are 10 & 14 so I keep EOS lip balm sets on hand. They seem to be a big hit so far and it's also something that gets used up.

I don't do clothing unless it's for someone I know extremely well and know exactly what size they wear. Two of my 4 children are unusually tall for their ages. My 3 year old is 49 lbs and 46 inches and my 14 year old is 5'11 and 125 lbs. People can see they are the tallest child in their grade but don't realize exactly how tall they really are so any gift clothing items are too small. My friend's dd is the most petite child in the class and again, people see she's petite but don't realize how petite she is so they get clothing gifts that are too big. My son also has allergies to polyester fabric (and everything else under the sun) so many clothing gifts he's received were something he was allergic to.

We live in an area where parents typically spend $15-$20 on a party gift. I have at times declined invites to parties for kids we didn't really know based on my finances and that I couldn't afford a present. I didn't know the parent of the party child well enough to discuss that further so I felt it best to just stay home. We live in an area where gifts are expected and I've never been invited to a "no gifts" party. I've only heard about them online.

[ZeeBaby]

Ahh, first world problems. If you don't want the stuff, return it to Target or Walmart for whatever you get and that's all. Or, better yet, find an organization that deals with low income kids (we have Cradles to Crayons here) and donate the whole lot to them. I bet you they would be ecstatic to get a bunch of cheap little gifts to give out to kids who would have none otherwise. It will also serve as a great lesson to the twins to donate unwanted items to someone who would treasure them.

Totally first world problems.

[TwinFoxes]

In an earlier thread, the majority seemed to think that it was rude to have a party anywhere near a meal time (which is obviously most of the day)and not serve food (and have enough for parents). So it isn't a problem for the party host to feel obligated to feed the whole family if the party ends at noon, but guests shouldn't feel obligated to bring a decent gift?

The burden is always on the host. In the host/guest relationship, the host is supposed to make the guest feel welcome and taken care of. The guest is supposed to be charming and appreciative. A least that's what I've always thought etiquette says. Plus, I like people to enjoy my parties, and food makes most people happy. :)

If my kids got a gift they didn't like for their birthday, there's no way in heck I'd return it, gift receipt or not! I would either give it away (not a regift, a pass on to someone) or donate it. They don't need more stuff, and I have better things to do with my time than to stand in line at a customer service counter.

[ssand23]

Totally first world problems.

LOL yes it is. If all else fails, just whisk away the unwanted or disliked gift and donate it. Use this as a teaching moment or don't and just hide it and sneak it out. Or re-gift to someone who wasn't at the party where it was received, has no clue how you came to own this item and doesn't know the original gift giver at all.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think I disagree with just about all of your birthday party premises and expectations.

1. My at home parties have cost more than out of the house parties. You obviously haven't seen my custom favors I designed, good meal I served for whole families, creative games I came up with...

2. You are hosting the party to celebrate your kid. I think, perhaps, you should rethink your party strategy. Maybe you should just invite a few close friends over for cake and call it a day. Buy some balloons, bake a cake, order some pizza and call it good. Your child will feel special and loved- that is the true point of a birthday party.

3. Just pick a gift budget that works for your family and don't nitpick about where the party is being held or what your perception of the host/ birthday kid are. Make that your go to norm and just have fun. :)

[twowhat?]

*sigh*I was originally just surprised and a little annoyed, but this thread has just made me feel worse so I think I should just stop now :)

I don't think you should feel bad. I think you're completely validated in feeling the way you do - it obviously shows that you do put a lot of thought into buying gifts for other kids. Everyone has a different approach to gift-giving.

If it makes you feel any better, I've definitely had the "WTH were they thinking (or NOT thinking)?" when my girls open their gifts. I only wish I were able to keep them from tearing into everything so that I could give away/donate the stuff they don't really need or like in their original, unopened packages:)

[HannaAddict]

The book are great. We had books on our gift list. I'd actually added several books, games, and movies rather than all toys. It was just the fact that the two together cost $12 and were a combined gift from two guests. If both of my boys are invited to a party then I would probably take one nicer gift or two average priced gifts. I was just surprised that the average seemed to be less than $10 when I would have expected $15-$20.

For the party this weekend, I think I'll get her this Minnie toy (http://www.amazon.com/Fisher-Price-Disneys-Minnie-Birthday-Bowtique/dp/B0093N52IK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1378934761&sr=8-1&keywords=minnie+birthday+bowtique). They have it at Target. The last party we went to, both of my boys were invited to a party for twins. I bought each twin a funtainer and name labels since they were starting preschool.

See, the Funtainer and labels would be an odd gift around here. I'd never think of a Funtainer or name labels as a birthday gift, really. Especially from friends. We don't use labels at preschool and don't use funtainers. Maybe just a regional thing??

I just noticed your kids age, since your kids are little, the bubbles would be a good gift around here. My kids LOVED bubbles. And maybe those books the twins brought are some they really like, no matter what the price. As for nice gifts, it's just us parents and something from grandparents around here. No extended family gives gifts for the kids birthdays.

[HannaAddict]

Ok I guess this is the part that I don't understand , or I guess I disagree with. For all birthday parties we've ever attended, both my kids have been invited and usually both attend. Usually it's a mom's playgroup thing so all DC are invited, or a family type parties on a weekend . It never occurred to me that I need to spend twice as much on the gift because both my DC are attending. I guess in the case of twins you could make the argument that if you go to their birthday party you will have to spend twice as much for gifts, all at the same time, but again, that seems to pull out more of the tit-for-tat mentality. And in the end, you don't know if they will invite your DC to their party..they may end up having a small-family -only party and not doing a classmate party so they don't expect to be "reimbursed" or whatever gift-wise.

Gift bags are only tacky when still have the price tag attached, no tissue or any attempt at thought AND from my in-laws. :)

But wrapping is part of the "thoughtfulness"'part for me and we like doing it. Found amazing metallic sparkle/glitter paper at Paper Source that you need special heavy tape for and that with some twine looks lovely and the recipients always seem to love it as it is different and looks special. We have it in several colors. My small bit of Martha Stewart. I've used a gift bag before when out of time, but am becoming a convert to the shop wrapping them. Our local book store and independent toy store do great complementary wrapping.

[Globetrotter]

I think it's obvious that we all have differing views of what a good gift is! If we don't like a gift and there is no gift receipt, I either regift or donate. No biggie.. not like my kids need a lot, which is why we did a lot of no gift parties when they were little. I give nicer gifts to close friends and family, but I don't determine the value based on where a party is held. Frankly, I use venues because it's a heck of a lot easier, but that's my issue and I don't expect the guests to pay for it indirectly with a larger gift. I sometimes do at home parties, and they can involve a lot of work and creativity, and sometimes they can cost a lot if you go all out. Personally, I tend to prefer the home ones.

I love gift bags because they are easy, cute and can be reused many times so less impact on the environment. No minuses, IMO.

[azzeps]

Speechless. Completely speechless.

[MamaInMarch]

Speechless. Completely speechless.

This. I have to admit that I am more than surprised at some (what I see as) complete lack if gratitude and am gobsmacked that one would base a gift on how much they think the parents spent on the party. Someone would really think to themselves "gee, Billy's parents only spent 100 bucks on his party so he only deserves a $10 gift from me"???

And I am surprised that the corset poster is getting some kinda heavy backlash but this is getting almost none. Wow.

[Pennylane]

And I am surprised that the corset poster is getting some kinda heavy backlash but this is getting almost none. Wow.

I didn't even read that thread...off to check it out :)

Ann

[iaam]

I replied earlier in the thread but just came back to see all the reponses. Had to chime in again.

I really think that there are lots of individual preferences at play (and these, in turn, are influenced by where you love, what your social circle is, etc.). Here, I have noticed that there is a marked difference in attendance between at-home parties and venue parties - many more kids attend venue parties than at-home ones (the entire class has been invited in each of these instances). I also think that for the kids in our age group/school (5-6 and 3-4), venue parties are a lot of fun. We have now had three bounce house parties (2 for DS and 1 for DD) - each was very well attended and the kids and parents had a blast. Even thought the venue was outsourced, I still spent a lot of time, money and effort on decorations, invitations and favors. For example, one party was Lego themed, so the cake was a huge Lego cake (lots of effort to make the cholcolate Lego men and bricks to put on top of the HUGE bakery-bought cake). We decorated the party room with Lego stuff. And, we bought 40 small Lego sets for party favors (yes, almost everyone from DS' pre-K class came + our family friends). So, it was pretty expensive, with the food (a full spread for kids and adults) and the cost of the party place - easily about $1,000.

As I have said before, the presents were a mixed bag. But, who cares - we made the effort and spent the money because that's how we wanted to celebrate our son's birthday (and we have the means to do it). I do not see the present as a 'payment' for the party they attended - it was our party, for our son - no one owes us anything for it! I would feel the same way regardless of where I had the party and how much I spent on it. By the way, I feel the same way about weddings - our guests don't tell us how to celebrate and how much to pay for a plate of food - that is our choice.

[elbenn]

OP, perhaps gifts are your "love language" and so you have greater expectations for them than many people. The gifts you describe don't sound that unusual. I often give gifts that I have bought on sale and don't give gift receipts with them.

[missym]

OP, perhaps gifts are your "love language" and so you have greater expectations for them than many people. The gifts you describe don't sound that unusual. I often give gifts that I have bought on sale and don't give gift receipts with them.

I wondered the same thing. Gifts are hugely important to DD1 - she loves giving them, puts a lot of thought into them, and is really good at picking just the right gift. It makes buying gifts for *her* a little intimidating, to be honest!

[Gracemom]

We have had a few parties where my kids opened the gifts, and I thought, "what the heck?" We have had dollar store items, homemade puzzles, handmade dolls (that didn't turn out very well), even friendship bread starter. Not really typical gifts for around here, but with some the effort was pretty impressive. And we have had a few not brings gifts at all. My DH was upset about that one. I pointed out to him that the point of the party is to have fun with our kids' friends, not to get gifts. Our kids have plenty of stuff and honestly we just don't need more. One girl brought my DD a dollar, which was very touching, considering her family's economic status. We are teaching our kids to be grateful for any gift and to thank each person sincerely. With good friends, I try to bring a gift I know the kid will love. But when a random kid from the class invites my kid, I usually give a Lego gift. Still fun, but nothing special. It wouldn't occur to me to calculate the cost of the gift either given or received.

[Ceepa]

... If you ask for ideas, and I give some specifics along with a description of the child's likes (planes, vehicles, Mickey Mouse, anything with moving parts like gears), but you decide to give him a $5 cardboard puzzle with a tv character that he's never heard of then it just makes me feel like you didn't really care as much about my child as I did about yours.

[Bolding mine] You are putting a lot of emotional weight on the gift. Maybe gifts are your love language, as pp said. You put a lot of thought into gifts, others don't. That doesn't make them thoughtless people.

From now on I would scale back on the size and expense of the parties to help lower your expectations.

[infomama]

The only thing I'm going to say about this is gift bags aren't always awful. I just bought these from Perpetual Kid and they are sweet!!
www.perpetualkid.com/mustache-gift-bag.aspx
www.perpetualkid.com/macaroni-and-cheese-gift-bag.aspx

[♥ms.pacman♥]

[Bolding mine] You are putting a lot of emotional weight on the gift. Maybe gifts are your love language, as pp said. You put a lot of thought into gifts, others don't. That doesn't make them thoughtless people.

From now on I would scale back on the size and expense of the parties to help lower your expectations.

:yeahthat: I actually do try to put thought/effort/money into gifts when we do go to birthday parties, but sometimes it's really hard and i have to pull things from gift closet. we both work fulltime, DH travels, and when he's gone i go from work to picking up the kids to racing them home to get dinner on the table and then in bed... so literally i have no time to go and shop. thank goodness for Amazon prime! i don't know, i'd feel pretty bad if i'm going to be judged for not providing a gift receipt or not spending enough for gift for a preschooler (it makes me fearful of attending more bday parties, lest i don't get the right gift). I think you just have to cut parents some slack in this regard. People aren't thoughtless, they're just busy. in your case, if you really want your DC to get nicer gifts I would scale back the expense/size of parties so that you can have more money left over to buy them.

[amldaley]

That's probably part of the problem. DH and I get the boys gifts of course, and my in-laws in Europe send them something (usually clothes since it has to be mailed), but we don't have anyone else buying gifts for them. Anything nice that they have, I picked out and bought.

I know that can be hard. My mom sends a check and usually some sort of gift that she picks out from either a vacation spot or the dollar store. The girls have a Godmother who is very sweet to them and sends gifts. Otherwise, we have no other gifts from family. My MIL has not even sent the girls birthday presents or cards recently. It hurt, especially in light of the fact that her other grandkids live locally to her, but we have learned to let it go.

But the thing is...kids that young don't notice. They are too young to realize that other kids have aunts, uncles, cousins and grands sending them presents.

With 5 year old DD1, we are really working more on the experience vs the present. We let her help plan the party, I made bejeweled sunglasses as favors and she helped. Last year, we had a trip to see my family for her birthday and took her to the aquarium and a spaghetti dinner. She still talks about how much fun that was. I think this is a good opportunity to start teaching the kids about what a celebration a birthday is rather than worrying about gifts. Make a special breakfast, start some birthday traditions. We have a hat that the birthday person wears and we always make a huge fresh fruit salad on birthdays.

Set them up for success now or they may end up being as disappointed as you are when their expectations (yours) are not met.

And I am the first to say, I despise dollar store garbage. But little kids LOVE it. My daughter can never get enough bottles of bubbles.

[zukeypur]

I have never, EVER thrown a birthday party at a venue. I have either had parties at home or at the park. I have never purchased a cake, with the exception of this year because we were out of town house hunting for the 3 days before DD's birthday, and she was adamant about having cake ON her birthday (Costco to the rescue!). I guarantee that I have never spent more than $50 throwing a party, decorations, cake, and party favors included. I also guarantee that kids have had a fantastic time at our parties hanging out and playing with friends, playing in the sprinkler, and riding miniature ponies. I keep a well stocked gift closet for the purpose of choosing a gift from the closet for friends. If I didn't think it was a great gift, it wouldn't be in the closet. The fact that I purchase a variety of gifts ensures that my child will be able to find a suitable gift for a friend. I don't think that going to a store specifically to buy a gift for that particular kid at full price in order to provide a gift receipt makes that gift any more or less special, but my way is cheaper. If you don't like the gift, donate it. I have had kids show up with all kinds of gifts, cards, wrapping, etc, and each one is special. I've had kids show up with no gifts, still special because they cared enough to show up.

A note about wrapping......I have a friend whose baby LOVES tissue paper. I pack his presents in a gift bag, a previously used gift bag, of course. He loves it. Most smaller kids get gift bags because they're easier for them to open. Also, if I'm in a hurry gifts go in bags. Gifts for older kids who I think might enjoy actually unwrapping a present get a wrapped present. If they're lucky, there's a bow on top.

I hope that everyone who has come to my home for a party has not felt tied to the venue/subdivision/COL/amount spent or not spent on the party when choosing DD's gift. I hope that they came to the party to celebrate with my sweet daughters. Likewise, I hope that my gifts are appreciated, no matter how big or small.

DD1 was taught at an early age to always act appreciative of any gift, whether she liked it or not. Already have one of those? You better not let the giver have any clue whatsoever that you already have one. Hate pink princess crap and would prefer an Avengers toy? Tough. That child (or the child's parent) chose that gift becAuse they thought you would like it. Quietly donate it or try to return it to the store and get something else.

[BunnyBee]

We have had a few parties where my kids opened the gifts, and I thought, "what the heck?" We have had dollar store items, homemade puzzles, handmade dolls (that didn't turn out very well), even friendship bread starter. Not really typical gifts for around here, but with some the effort was pretty impressive. And we have had a few not brings gifts at all. My DH was upset about that one. I pointed out to him that the point of the party is to have fun with our kids' friends, not to get gifts. Our kids have plenty of stuff and honestly we just don't need more. One girl brought my DD a dollar, which was very touching, considering her family's economic status. We are teaching our kids to be grateful for any gift and to thank each person sincerely. With good friends, I try to bring a gift I know the kid will love. But when a random kid from the class invites my kid, I usually give a Lego gift. Still fun, but nothing special. It wouldn't occur to me to calculate the cost of the gift either given or received.

Friendship bread starter? What every small child wants! :ROTFLMAO:

[AnnieW625]

Our budget for classmate birthday gifts is $10. I rarely give gift receipts to a birthday party. My sister gives $5 gift cards to Mc Donald's. (for the girl next door, who we are good friends with, I splurged and spent nearly $40 to buy her Lego Friends sets from both my kids).

Note, My sister gave MY kids $10 Mc Donald's gift cards. They aren't spending $20 per kid even on their cousins, who they adore. Its just how the budget goes. Some people hate going to birthday parties because of having to give the gift. Even people that seem well off may be facing tighter circumstances than you realize. All that new stuff their kid has? Generous aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

Very similar thoughts and price points here too. I don't do gift closets because I want a gift receipt, but if I get something on clearance then great.

We would do no gift parties if people actually followed the rules.

I am all for attempting to cover the plate for a wedding or shower, but not a kids birthday party, sorry.

[TxCat]

I think you just have to cut parents some slack in this regard. People aren't thoughtless, they're just busy. in your case, if you really want your DC to get nicer gifts I would scale back the expense/size of parties so that you can have more money left over to buy them.

:yeahthat: I think the above was very well-said. Cut families some slack. There may be a myriad of reasons why the present wasn't all that - being thoughtless may not be one of them.

[TxCat]

I know that can be hard. My mom sends a check and usually some sort of gift that she picks out from either a vacation spot or the dollar store. The girls have a Godmother who is very sweet to them and sends gifts. Otherwise, we have no other gifts from family. My MIL has not even sent the girls birthday presents or cards recently. It hurt, especially in light of the fact that her other grandkids live locally to her, but we have learned to let it go.

But the thing is...kids that young don't notice. They are too young to realize that other kids have aunts, uncles, cousins and grands sending them presents.



Ok, I should probably make a poll about this, but I'm still not getting the disappointment that only the parents and maybe one set of grandparents are giving presents. I was (and still am) just happy to receive a card from extended family on my birthday. DD1 mainly gets presents from her parents and 3 of her 4 grandparents. I'm wondering if it really, truly is the "norm" that kids are being showered with birthday presents from all manner of relatives/extended family/neighbors or if its just a practice that people think everyone else is doing, except for them.

[carolinacool]

Ok, I should probably make a poll about this, but I'm still not getting the disappointment that only the parents and maybe one set of grandparents are giving presents. I was (and still am) just happy to receive a card from extended family on my birthday. DD1 mainly gets presents from her parents and 3 of her 4 grandparents. I'm wondering if it really, truly is the "norm" that kids are being showered with birthday presents from all manner of relatives/extended family/neighbors or if its just a practice that people think everyone else is doing, except for them.

I thought about making a poll as well. Just from my take, lot of people on this board (and others) are always saying their kids have too many toys/junk, etc., they don't need anything else, they do no-gift parties, etc. I guess I just assumed that people were being bombarded with stuff from extended family. Maybe not always for birthdays, but definitely for Christmas and other holidays. My own son has very few toys because the only people that buy them are us and my parents unless we throw birthday parties. My in-laws sometimes buy for birthdays and Christmas. Sometimes they don't. His aunts and uncles never buy anything (or send cards) for that matter. I can just understand what Indigo99 and amldaly are saying. I, too, dread the day when DS starts to realize it.

[KrisM]

Ok, I should probably make a poll about this, but I'm still not getting the disappointment that only the parents and maybe one set of grandparents are giving presents. I was (and still am) just happy to receive a card from extended family on my birthday. DD1 mainly gets presents from her parents and 3 of her 4 grandparents. I'm wondering if it really, truly is the "norm" that kids are being showered with birthday presents from all manner of relatives/extended family/neighbors or if its just a practice that people think everyone else is doing, except for them.


You should do a poll. I am happy I do not buy for my 12 nieces and nephews. It's fine that they don't buy for us, too. My kids get gifts from us, my parents, my grandparents, and my aunt who doesn't have her own kids. We have small birthday parties - biggest had 5 friends come, so not a lot there, either. And, still, it's fine. I buy more for them than anyone else, because they are my kids :). I save the money spent on renting a venue most years so I can spend it on gifts. Although, we did a double party for DS1 and DD this year at the gym and it was only $260 total, so I'm pretty happy about that.

People clearly have different ideas of a great gift. My kids would love to get a book. They enjoy reading. If they got a Funtainer, they'd wonder why. Sure, they're useful, but to them they aren't really fun. Other kids clearly would like a Funtainer over a book. It's hard to guess right!

[amldaley]

Ok, I should probably make a poll about this, but I'm still not getting the disappointment that only the parents and maybe one set of grandparents are giving presents. I was (and still am) just happy to receive a card from extended family on my birthday. DD1 mainly gets presents from her parents and 3 of her 4 grandparents. I'm wondering if it really, truly is the "norm" that kids are being showered with birthday presents from all manner of relatives/extended family/neighbors or if its just a practice that people think everyone else is doing, except for them.

My point wasn't that extended family *should* be showering kids in gifts.

My point was that those are *her* expectations, not the children's expectations, and now is the time to help them develop expectations that will be more in line with the reality of whatever their own family situation is.

As for whether it really happens or not - we have been to several parties recently where the birthday kid's extended family were all present - some who even flew in from out of states. Does it happen everywhere? Probably not. Does it happen for some? Sure.

[TxCat]

As for whether it really happens or not - we have been to several parties recently where the birthday kid's extended family were all present - some who even flew in from out of states. Does it happen everywhere? Probably not. Does it happen for some? Sure.

Yeah, but is this 60% of families? 50%? 30% ? 10%? I guess I have trouble feeling down about a situation that likely applies to less than 50% of the families that are in my social circle.

[MomtoNico]

I tried to have a no gift party for my son .. Half the people showed up with gifts. It was just a backyard party. So I met them at their cars to greet them. Then if they had a gift I ran it in the house. I wanted friends overto celebrate not for the gifts. My kids have far too many toys. I did give up on the no gift idea. But last year he wasn't thrilled with most of the gifts. Most are sitting on the study now unopened. Its not because they didn't spend enough. It's because they really had no idea what to get him. I hope I do a good job picking gifts out.

[amldaley]

Yeah, but is this 60% of families? 50%? 30% ? 10%? I guess I have trouble feeling down about a situation that likely applies to less than 50% of the families that are in my social circle.

I'm sorry. I am not equipped with those statistics. I think the examination and adjustment of expectations is relevant whether 50% or more of her peers have something she wants or whether she just perceives it that way.

[TxCat]

I'm sorry. I am not equipped with those statistics. I think the examination and adjustment of expectations is relevant whether 50% or more of her peers have something she wants or whether she just perceives it that way.
Um, yeah, expectations clearly need to be adjusted. That's not what I'm surprised by.

[carolinacool]

Maybe it's just me, then. I feel like I'm surrounded by people (online and IRL) who say that never buy stuff for their kids, yet they have a house full of stuff. It's entirely possible it's just one or two very generous relatives. I certainly might be jumping to assumptions

[barkley1]

I feel like I never buy for our kids bc i never go to TRU , Target, Walmart, etc and buy a brand new toy. 100% of our toys come from consignment sales 2x per year, Grandparents, and whatever we get them for bdays and Xmas. Which is not a lot bc we have 4 kids. It just all (the amount of toys) really adds up quickly.

[indigo99]

If my kids got a gift they didn't like for their birthday, there's no way in heck I'd return it, gift receipt or not! I would either give it away (not a regift, a pass on to someone) or donate it. They don't need more stuff, and I have better things to do with my time than to stand in line at a customer service counter.

That comes across as a little privileged. There's rarely more than one or two people in line at my Target customer service counter, and if I can return something that we don't need or want and let my kids pick out something that they'll love then I'll definitely do it.


See, the Funtainer and labels would be an odd gift around here. I'd never think of a Funtainer or name labels as a birthday gift, really. Especially from friends. We don't use labels at preschool and don't use funtainers. Maybe just a regional thing??

The kids loved the funtainers and wanted to fill and use them at the party. They use them daily at school now, and all of our local preschools require that everything be labeled. The labels weren't a wrapped gift but were mailed to the mother after the party. She's one of those with lots of family and friends who buy gifts for the kids so she said not to buy them any toys or clothes (which makes it difficult). Last year I gave those two monogrammed, hooded towels.


I have to admit that I am more than surprised at some (what I see as) complete lack if gratitude and am gobsmacked that one would base a gift on how much they think the parents spent on the party. Someone would really think to themselves "gee, Billy's parents only spent 100 bucks on his party so he only deserves a $10 gift from me"???

This obviously turned into a big controversy here although I don't really feel that's what I even said. I never said I'd give a child a crappier present. What I actually said is that *I* (and OBVIOUSLY others don't feel this way) would feel bad if I took my child to play at a venue that charges $7 to enter and play normally, but I only gave the child a $5 gift. I see that as a lack of gratitude or appreciation for the birthday child, but for people who value their time so much that they won't stand in line to return something then I guess I can understand how they might think that their attendance is gift enough. I don't give $5 gifts to begin with, and my gift standard is apparently higher than the average around here so this isn't something that's ever actually happened. However, if someone paid for my child to spend the day at an amusement park, for instance, for their party then I probably would buy them a nicer gift than I usually do, and I certainly wouldn't feel bad about it.


You are putting a lot of emotional weight on the gift. Maybe gifts are your love language, as pp said. You put a lot of thought into gifts, others don't. That doesn't make them thoughtless people.

From now on I would scale back on the size and expense of the parties to help lower your expectations.

This makes a lot of sense because I obviously do put more importance on it than others, and it isn't monetary. The whole "make your money back" angle bothered me because that isn't how I feel. I do feel like if someone gives you a crappy gift then they maybe just don't care for you though.

On a related note, I've been bothered for months about last year's Christmas gifts. DH's parents sent us all some clothes. He got a couple of hundred dollar dress shirts. My boys got several nice polo shirts and pullovers. I was sent a bright blue men's New York City souvenir t-shirt (the type you get 3/$10). Additionally, his brother and sister-in-law had already said that they just wanted to get gifts for the kids, but the package came with something for the boys (can't even remember what but probably a shirt) and a big bag of candy for DH but nothing for me. DH couldn't understand why I'd be upset about that. I spent a lot of time getting photos ready and making a photo book of the boys for his parents' gift (which they requested), and I'm the one who often picks out the presents for his family. I'm sure some here just think that I'm being ungrateful and shouldn't expect a gift from anyone, but that seriously hurt. I know I'm not their "real" family, but still. If my mom were alive then I'm sure she'd give DH something nice for Christmas.

[lkoala]

I do feel like if someone gives you a crappy gift then they maybe just don't care for you though.

On a related note, I've been bothered for months about last year's Christmas gifts. DH's parents sent us all some clothes. He got a couple of hundred dollar dress shirts. My boys got several nice polo shirts and pullovers. I was sent a bright blue men's New York City souvenir t-shirt (the type you get 3/$10). Additionally, his brother and sister-in-law had already said that they just wanted to get gifts for the kids, but the package came with something for the boys (can't even remember what but probably a shirt) and a big bag of candy for DH but nothing for me. DH couldn't understand why I'd be upset about that. I spent a lot of time getting photos ready and making a photo book of the boys for his parents' gift (which they requested), and I'm the one who often picks out the presents for his family. I'm sure some here just think that I'm being ungrateful and shouldn't expect a gift from anyone, but that seriously hurt. I know I'm not their "real" family, but still. If my mom were alive then I'm sure she'd give DH something nice for Christmas.

I think you and I are a lot alike in this respect. I put a lot of thought into the gifts I get others, both family and others. I don't usually consider the cost of an item if it is the right item (within reason of course). So it really peeves me when someone just gets me something that they know I don't like or won't wear or some crap they can find in their home. My own and only brother did this to me at Christmas. He was moving overseas and decided he would fill a random bag full of crap he had accumulated while he was cleaning his apartment and give that to me and DH for Christmas. (seriously, the bag had clay poker chips, a deck of cards, tea strainer and a beanie) We usually try to get him something nice and spend at least $40 - $50 on it. So yeah, its annoying and doesn't make me want to do much this year...

Of course he does get DD a present which is more than I can say for one of DH's brothers. He and his wife don't think we should be married and therefore don't send DD anything for Christmas or even a happy birthday card even though they do those things for DH's other brother's kids. Ugh... family.

[wellyes]

What I actually said is that *I* (and OBVIOUSLY others don't feel this way) would feel bad if I took my child to play at a venue that charges $7 to enter and play normally, but I only gave the child a $5 gift. I see that as a lack of gratitude or appreciation for the birthday child, but for people who value their time so much that they won't stand in line to return something then I guess I can understand how they might think that their attendance is gift enough.

It sounds like you place no value on the family taking the time and effort to come to the party.... like the host is doing the guest a favor by them. And the guest should return the favor in expressing "gratitude and appreciation" with a nice gift.

To me, classmates parties are a pain in the butt at preschool age. There is my Saturday afternoon gone. And I have to go out and get a gift and wrap it (I don't mind the $ as much as the trip to Target, argh) - and I have to stay at the party with strangers making dull small talk cause the kids are too young to be alone - and then my kid's gonna eat super indulgent foods and get hyped up on sugar and probably be a bit of a mess afterwards.

Not saying the annoyance of the experience makes me buy a cheaper gift. Just, I don't feel like I'm getting a treat when I save $7 at a bouncy house entry. And I am grateful for every kid who shows up at my DD's party.

[indigo99]

lkoala, I have two brothers and two sisters. I don't exchange gifts with one brother and one sister. I used to get gifts for my nieces but was never thanked (not even on facebook) so I stopped. I also did photos for my sister and designed her Christmas card one year, but she didn't even send me one of the cards! My younger brother and sister (early 20s) get nice gifts from me, but they don't have much money so they usually babysit, bake cupcakes, knit a scarf etc for my gift, and I REALLY appreciate those gifts.

My kids don't NEED more toys. I don't have to spend less on the party in order to afford presents for them. It isn't really about the money. I just went to a party recently with lots of friends and family (the mom who asked for no clothes or toys) who bought the kids things like retro, metal bigwheels, and I can see how families like that probably have an easier time not caring if they get gifts from classmates. We don't have close family or friends like that though.

[lkoala]

My younger brother and sister (early 20s) get nice gifts from me, but they don't have much money so they usually babysit, bake cupcakes, knit a scarf etc for my gift, and I REALLY appreciate those gifts.

My kids don't NEED more toys. I don't have to spend less on the party in order to afford presents for them. It isn't really about the money. I just went to a party recently with lots of friends and family (the mom who asked for no clothes or toys) who bought the kids things like retro, metal bigwheels, and I can see how families like that probably have an easier time not caring if they get gifts from classmates. We don't have close family or friends like that though.

I love that your younger siblings do such caring things for you. I remember I had a friend in junior high, not that close of a friend, who actually cross stitched my initial on a little jar that she filled with candy. I thought that was the nicest thing in the world. I still have that jar.

I was also touched at the gift one of the 3 (that was another post) who came to DD's party this year got her... it was a plastic tinkerbell cup, a bag of mother's animal cookies and $1 bill. DD loved it! I loved that the child showed up. Now that school's started, I keep running into the parents of the children who didn't come (and the ones who didn't even rsvp) and have to restrain myself from kicking them in the shins. ;)

[♥ms.pacman♥]

It sounds like you place no value on the family taking the time and effort to come to the party.... like the host is doing the guest a favor by them. And the guest should return the favor in expressing "gratitude and appreciation" with a nice gift.

To me, classmates parties are a pain in the butt at preschool age. There is my Saturday afternoon gone. And I have to go out and get a gift and wrap it (I don't mind the $ as much as the trip to Target, argh) - and I have to stay at the party with strangers making dull small talk cause the kids are too young to be alone - and then my kid's gonna eat super indulgent foods and get hyped up on sugar and probably be a bit of a mess afterwards.

Not saying the annoyance of the experience makes me buy a cheaper gift. Just, I don't feel like I'm getting a treat when I save $7 at a bouncy house entry. And I am grateful for every kid who shows up at my DD's party.

:yeahthat: word.

I personally feel like merely RSVPing and showing up to a kids birthday party is a whole lot of effort and worth way more in value than any gift. Yes, while bday parties are fun and I like taking DC to them, at this age, it is exhausting..it easily takes out 3+ hour chunk of the weekend and in the end kids are hyped up on sweets. So i don't know, i find it hard to believe that parents have their kids attend these parties and buy a cheap gift just so they can free/cheap entry to say, a bounce house. Maybe there are few cheap, freeloading people like that, but i tink they are few and far between. I think most people are super busy/overwhelmed to put a ton of thought and $ for a very nice gift, especially if they are going to few every month.

[fedoragirl]

Nothing more to add to this conversation where all my opinions have been discussed.
However, just wanted to say that 10-15 guests at our small wedding brought nothing, gave nothing, not even a card and I was miffed. However, I also understood that a gift was not a requirement for them to attend a wedding, just a nice gesture. They came and blessed us and this calmed my ruffled feathers.
I would not even care for a birthday party. The value of the parents' time and attendance is far greater than a gift. After all, I'd rather be able to say to DC about how many of the invited guests came as opposes to a few or no one. Puts things in perspective.

[mom_hanna]

In my world, the kid making the effort to attend your kids' birthday party and celebrate with them, is the gift. Anything else is just icing on the cake. We spend around $10 for kids we don't know well, and $20 for those that are good friends. Doesn't matter where the party is held.

[indigo99]

Of course I appreciate the time and effort of going to the party. This was the first party I've hosted, and I've gone to several so I'm much more familiar with being on that end of things. If DS didn't enjoy going to parties then I probably wouldn't bother so my time and energy spent is on doing something fun with my child, same as if I took them to the park. The gift is for the birthday child. I don't feel like someone owes me lunch or a favor just for showing up either. I appreciate that they spent the time, energy, and money on the party and wanted to include my child.

[barkley1]

To me, classmates parties are a pain in the butt at preschool age. There is my Saturday afternoon gone. And I have to go out and get a gift and wrap it (I don't mind the $ as much as the trip to Target, argh) - and I have to stay at the party with strangers making dull small talk cause the kids are too young to be alone - and then my kid's gonna eat super indulgent foods and get hyped up on sugar and probably be a bit of a mess afterwards.

Not saying the annoyance of the experience makes me buy a cheaper gift. Just, I don't feel like I'm getting a treat when I save $7 at a bouncy house entry. And I am grateful for every kid who shows up at my DD's party.

AAAAAAAMMMMMMMEEEEENNNNNN! Not to mention, count on DC being sick the next week from playing in a cesspool of germs. I totally avoid those places unless we are invited to a party there. Happens every time :P

[TwinFoxes]

That comes across as a little privileged. There's rarely more than one or two people in line at my Target customer service counter, and if I can return something that we don't need or want and let my kids pick out something that they'll love then I'll definitely do it.

*I* (and OBVIOUSLY others don't feel this way) would feel bad if I took my child to play at a venue that charges $7 to enter and play normally, but I only gave the child a $5 gift. I see that as a lack of gratitude or appreciation for the birthday child, but for people who value their time so much that they won't stand in line to return something then I guess I can understand how they might think that their attendance is gift enough. I don't give $5 gifts to begin with, and my gift standard is apparently higher than the average around here so this isn't something that's ever actually happened. However, if someone paid for my child to spend the day at an amusement park, for instance, for their party then I probably would buy them a nicer gift than I usually do, and I certainly wouldn't feel bad about it.





Oh puh-lease. I've never given a kid a $5 gift in my life. I didn't post how much I spend on gifts, I'm sure someone would say it was extravagant, others might think it's cheap. And it's never crossed my mind where the party is being held when picking it out (1/2 the time I'm hunting for the invite the day of to figure out where I'm going). I think it's the opposite of privileged to teach my kid they can't just trade in a gift they don't like. As opposed to me putting a gift they'll never miss in the goodwill bag. Maybe I am privileged because I don't want to return a $10 gift to Target, to buy another $10 gift. If I am, yay me! I've hit the big time!

You seem to think that everyone else is getting troves of gifts from relatives and friends for their kids. My immediate family has gotten them zero gifts (including when they were born). But they just don't need any more stuff. We've only done venue parties, and they were catered not pizza, (with different food for the parents, so yes I put my money where my mouth is re: food at parties). So I guess DDs should be getting awesome gifts. I'll get out my excel spreadsheets next year and come up with a formula to make sure that the guests are spending the proper amount on them. :rolleyes:

Man, Fairy's kid must have gotten sports cars and real estate after all the effort she put into that Harry Potter extravaganza!

[iaam]

OP: realy, I think you are taking this too far.

Like you (from what I can tell), I love to give gifts too. I put a lot of thought into any gift I give. I also spend quite a bit of money on gifts (based on what the 'standard' seems to be, at least for classmate gifts). However, I do all that because I want to. While I don't think my love language is gifts, I think it's definitely a strong component of my personality. I also throw big, expensive parties (even when they are at venue locations), complete with a nice food spread for all attendees and pretty cool favors (see my previous post for details, if you want). Again, I do that because I want to. I have zero expectations from my guests in terms of gifts. What I expect (and hope for) is that they RSVP on time and show up if they said they would (of course, I realize that life happens, and that's OK).

I think you are being very materialistic. I also agree with many PPs that your kids likely don't see the difference. IMHO, you are doing them a disservice by being so calculating about gifts.

Regarding family, you really have no idea what goes on with others. And regardless, someone else's large and generous family shouldn't have an impact on your lift - just help your kids understand their life/situation the way it is. After all, don't you have conversations where you tell them about how different families have different rules, priorities, etc.? How is this different?

I very rarely get negative on the BBB but this discussion is really getting to me for some reason. I think it's time (for all of us, including me) to be thankful for what we have and at the same time, focus less on "stuff".

[indigo99]

OP: realy, I think you are taking this too far.


I'll agree that this thread went to far, and I should have just stopped replying a long time ago. I started out just a bit surprised/hurt and wondering if that was the norm for gifts (under $10). Then I started feeling like I had to explain my feelings because they were being misinterpreted. People wondering why there isn't more backlash because I'm punishing kids because their parents don't spend money?! What the heck? I don't do that. I don't really have any ill will or bad feelings toward the families that came to my party, but I do feel a lot less welcome here now.

[iaam]

I'll agree that this thread went to far, and I should have just stopped replying a long time ago. I started out just a bit surprised/hurt and wondering if that was the norm for gifts (under $10). Then I started feeling like I had to explain my feelings because they were being misinterpreted. People wondering why there isn't more backlash because I'm punishing kids because their parents don't spend money?! What the heck? I don't do that. I don't really have any ill will or bad feelings toward the families that came to my party, but I do feel a lot less welcome here now.

Actually, I didn't mean the thread. I meant your attitude in general.

[boolady]

Most everyone agrees that they will spend more on gift for certain kids (those they know better for instance). I just admitted that I may spend more if I'm going to a party where I know that the hosts are paying more for my child to be included. I will also spend more on kids after they've given my child a nicer gift because I think that the parents probably have the same expectations/standard as I do. I don't see how that is punishing the child at all if my cheaper gift costs as much as what everyone else is giving anyway.

People see this as punishing a child for what their parents spend because that's exactly what it is. Choosing to spend more for a close or longtime friend and choosing to spend less based on what you think someone paid for a gift for your kids are two totally different things. One is based on relationship/affection; one is based on $$. And yes, it is treating that kid differently even if you're now spending what "everyone else" (oh, the horror!) spends because you're changing your gift giving habits based on what that child's parent did, or could afford to do. You seem to be priding yourself on how your "standards" are so much different than "everyone" else's, but I really can't figure out why, unless your standards are to be openly materialistic. Your boys are going to have a rough go of things if you stay this obsessed with keeping score.

[bisous]

I'll agree that this thread went to far, and I should have just stopped replying a long time ago. I started out just a bit surprised/hurt and wondering if that was the norm for gifts (under $10). Then I started feeling like I had to explain my feelings because they were being misinterpreted. People wondering why there isn't more backlash because I'm punishing kids because their parents don't spend money?! What the heck? I don't do that. I don't really have any ill will or bad feelings toward the families that came to my party, but I do feel a lot less welcome here now.

I am sorry that you feel that way. I confess, I did feel like you were punishing kids who didn't spend a lot of money at first. But I do think you explained yourself in subsequent posts and although I don't see things your way, I get what you are saying. I was hurt by the implication that home parties aren't as special or as fun. But my hurt feelings are my own problem. You have the right to your opinion and you have a right to state your opinion. I'm going to get over feeling sad because ultimately I do like the parties that we throw and of course they aren't going to please everyone! Honestly, it sounds like you feel differently than many on the boards. That is okay, but it is also okay that they have a different opinion and express it. I think the most productive posts on this thread are the ones that direct you on how to address your frustration going forward. Maybe adjust your expectations downward? Spend less on the party and more on the gifts for your kids since they aren't getting much from other sources? I do like to bring nice gifts but I am also happier for not expecting gifts from my guests. So ultimately I do hope this can be helpful to you.

[Globetrotter]

OP, like others have said, I think gifts are your "love language" and I can see you've been hurt by family members who seemed to ignore you. I can see why you are hurt by your in-law's actions and that would have bothered me, too, but I would hold family to a higher standard than acquaintances, IYKWIM. I think it's best to alter your expectations and continue GIVING gifts you deem acceptable but realize that everyone has their own standards and means and, frankly, time to devote to gift-giving. BTW, I too enjoy giving appropriate gifts but I don't expect others to share the same interests :) Aside from one friend who constantly gives torn or broken gifts, I try not to spend too much time thinking about this.

To draw a parallel, I'm much happier since I stopped expecting my family to fulfill my emotional needs. Even though it's important to me, I realize it's not gonna happen so I seek that elsewhere and try not to get upset when they come up short.

[barkley1]

... I was hurt by the implication that home parties aren't as special or as fun. But my hurt feelings are my own problem. You have the right to your opinion and you have a right to state your opinion. I'm going to get over feeling sad because ultimately I do like the parties that we throw and of course they aren't going to please everyone!.

Don't feel bad about home parties! They are so special, and I think most people know how much love and effort go into them :). In our mommy friend group, we recently had three bday parties over the course of 3-4 weeks. Party A was bouncey houses, petting zoo, ballon artist and face painter, along with about $500 of food....easily topped $1000 total. Party B was a pool party, with alcohol and tons of food, dress up station, and multiple favors. Party C (at our house for DC) was all hand made by me, from the elaborate invitations, themed decorations and games, to the favor buckets I spent hours making each one unique (not complaining....I love doing all this for Dc!). One parent told me point blank that her three kids much preferred our home party, went on and on & wouldn't quit talking about it, etc. and, I don't think it was bc of all the decor or whatever (they're toddlers!) but bc of the atmosphere. Home parties rock! Not only for the guests, but I know if my mom had done that stuff for me, I would look back on it with fond memories :)

[California]

OP, sending you a virtual hug. Do you think possibly you were envisioning the presents as part of the overall "gift" of a party that you were giving your child? It sounds like you are hurt that the parents didn't play the role you thought they would, like it left the party kind of incomplete when the gift opening wasn't as great as you expected. It sounds like you were envisioning the friends making up for the presents you wish family would send. If it helps at all, think of it from a kid's perspective. Friends showed up. (Which is a big deal! Think of all the threads about no RSVPs!). The kids had a blast together. The birthday child got some presents to play with afterwards. That is all a kid needs, really. The special time your child got with friends is your gift to your child. I've got three kids and have thrown A LOT of parties. Some no gift. What I've learned- all the fluff we parents add is fun, but the heart of a good party is when the kids play and laugh together. That's it. Pretty simple.

[petesgirl]

I'll agree that this thread went to far, and I should have just stopped replying a long time ago. I started out just a bit surprised/hurt and wondering if that was the norm for gifts (under $10). Then I started feeling like I had to explain my feelings because they were being misinterpreted. People wondering why there isn't more backlash because I'm punishing kids because their parents don't spend money?! What the heck? I don't do that. I don't really have any ill will or bad feelings toward the families that came to my party, but I do feel a lot less welcome here now.

I'm sorry this thread seems to have gone in a direction it wasn't intended. After reading the other things you posted here, I think I understand better what you were trying to say and why it was so important to you that your boys get nice gifts. I do think you truly were feeling disappointed on their behalf and that is part of being a parent.

[eagle]

hey op,

hugs from me as well. i dont feel the way you do, but i understand what you are saying. it sucks. i hope that you are able to adjust something so that it doesnt hurt so much in the future.

[MamaInMarch]

I am the one who said something about backlash and I didn't intend for you to think that I thought people should come down on you harder. That was not my intent.

Also, I want to say that the gift situation with your in-laws does sound hurtful. I don't know how to lay it out in words as to why the difference in the situations but yes, being excluded entirely hurts. And being sent something so obviously different from others gifts would be hurtful as well.

I stand by my original thought. I felt what you had expressed originally did not come across nicely. Text is a funny thing and can be misinterpreted. But either way, I am sorry those gifts were hurtful to you. Reminds me of a friend whose MIL gave elaborate gifts to EVERYONE at Christmas and gave a 12 pack of diet coke to her non-soda drinking slightly overweight DIL (my friend). So not nice.

[indigo99]

People see this as punishing a child for what their parents spend because that's exactly what it is. Choosing to spend more for a close or longtime friend and choosing to spend less based on what you think someone paid for a gift for your kids are two totally different things. One is based on relationship/affection; one is based on $$.

I never said I'd choose to spend less on anyone. OTHER people said that. One person interprets a comment one way and then everyone else assumes that's what was meant. I said I'd spend more in some situations including those when I feel like someone spent more on me or my child. If someone gives me a nice birthday gift then I'm going to probably give them something equally nice on theirs even if that means spending a bit more than I would have. My original comment was that I would feel bad giving a cheap gift when I know that someone spent more than that on me or my child. Fine, obviously other people wouldn't feel bad about that and don't see it as making a difference, but I don't see how me wanting to do more for someone that I feel has done more for me suddenly makes me a bad person. Arguing this point any more isn't going to change that.

Also, my original comment about the backyard party versus a venue wasn't meant to put down home parties, but it was obviously interpreted that way. I followed up saying that I totally know how much work can go into them. My distinction was really between parties where I feel like more thought/effort are put into it or (if you don't want to put the thought and effort into it) at least in a place where my kids can have fun anyway. The sorts of home parties that people have described with lots of food and games and decorations are obviously not the same as when someone Xeroxes invites 3 days before the event and sticks everyone in the yard with nothing to do. We went to a home party where they had put away all of the child's toys before the party and didn't have any planned activities other than eating cake and opening gifts. My kids are little and don't really play with other kids much so they have a harder time entertaining themselves if there's nothing to do.

I really don't think that my feelings are THAT far off from most people's, and I do feel like I was judged a little unfairly based on how some people interpreted what I wrote. Obviously we all have areas of our own expectations or values that we can work on, and maybe this is one of mine. I appreciate the rest of the advice and constructive comments though.

[boolady]

Most everyone agrees that they will spend more on gift for certain kids (those they know better for instance). I just admitted that I may spend more if I'm going to a party where I know that the hosts are paying more for my child to be included. I will also spend more on kids after they've given my child a nicer gift because I think that the parents probably have the same expectations/standard as I do. I don't see how that is punishing the child at all if my cheaper gift costs as much as what everyone else is giving anyway.

Your words, not mine. I didn't misrepresent or misquote anything you said. I'm really not looking to get into a back-and-forth, but this is the second time you're saying you didn't say something that you clearly said.

ETA: And, you specifically use the term "cheaper gift" in terms of how you'll spend less for kids whose parents' expectations/standard are not the same as yours.

[TxCat]

If my child gets to play somewhere that usually costs $7 to enter and is then fed and given a small gift for coming, I just feel like I want to get them a decent gift. I probably would feel a little less inclined if it's a party at someone's house and they're only serving cake.


OP, I'm sorry if you feel like you were misinterpreted, but I'm not sure there are any other interpretations of comments like the one above. I feel like you didn't particularly like some of the feedback that you were getting, and you are arguing it by claiming your comments were misunderstood. Whether you truly meant the above statement or not, only you know, but please don't say that your words were misconstrued by other members here.

[indigo99]

deleted content because people are going to think what they want anyway so I give up

[wellyes]

I was honestly really frustrated the first time someone posted the part about giving a crappy if the parents don't spend money because I do think that's a misrepresentation. After my first comment on that, the thread went pages without anyone mentioning that until someone interpreted it as meaning I'd decide to give someone a crappy present if their parents don't spend money. I was not surprised given the person who posted that comment (I knew it would be something negative before even opening the thread) and chose to ignore it until everyone else read that and apparently decided that must be the case so they jumped on board to agree in how horrible that was.

Pretty sure you're talking about me. I do not think I or other posters "misinterpreted" you. You started this thread saying "I know it isn't about the presents so don't even bother jumping on me about being thankful please" and then went on about inadequate presents. If you don't like the conclusions others drew from that, well, what conclusion would you draw? And I never said that you gave "crappy" presents. I said "There are people who give crappier presents to kids in their parents don't spend $ for a venue? That's terribly sad." I do think it is sad that people give more expensive gifts based on parents spending. You don't, you think that is appropriate. We'll have to agree to disagree.

[dogmom]

OP, sending you a virtual hug. Do you think possibly you were envisioning the presents as part of the overall "gift" of a party that you were giving your child? It sounds like you are hurt that the parents didn't play the role you thought they would, like it left the party kind of incomplete when the gift opening wasn't as great as you expected. It sounds like you were envisioning the friends making up for the presents you wish family would send. If it helps at all, think of it from a kid's perspective. Friends showed up. (Which is a big deal! Think of all the threads about no RSVPs!). The kids had a blast together. The birthday child got some presents to play with afterwards. That is all a kid needs, really. The special time your child got with friends is your gift to your child. I've got three kids and have thrown A LOT of parties. Some no gift. What I've learned- all the fluff we parents add is fun, but the heart of a good party is when the kids play and laugh together. That's it. Pretty simple.

I think this is one of the most insightful posts in this thread. We all approach parties slightly differently. Some years I am all into it and some years not so much. I have one parent of my kids' friends that has gone so far as construct a miniature golf course in their back yard. Gifts can be the same way. Please do not think that what someone brings reflects on whether they care for your child or not. It, however, may be true that at the very young ages before there are fast friendships they they don't spend a lot of time thinking of your children in particular. When kids are young it tends to be a whirlwind of time occupying tasks when I had interactions with other people's children. Now that they are older I can take a step back and honestly say I actually know my kids' friends. I cannot tell you the amount of times I was in the toy aisle at some store quizzing my preschooler about what to get a school friend and all I got was what my own kids would like. Those situations tend to bring out desperate and ill conceived gift choices. At times I over compensated and went over budget and grabbed something. Other times I would think, I am screwed either way, might as well get that. I would hope if I parent saw me that way they would have some empathy, and I would feel horrible if they thought that moment at all reflected that I thought their child was less important than mine.

[SnuggleBuggles]

OP...To be fair, I have only read some of this thread but I think that you might be happier asking for guests to pay a cover charge. This thread makes me sad because there have been times when my kids bring cheaper gifts. Maybe this is why the invites are fewer and fewer

Nah, it's the norm for invites to taper off. After k, most parties are only w a handful of friends vs big groups or whole class.

[MamaMolly]

I often make Super Hero capes for birthday presents. Usually from fabric I have around the house or only spend less than $5 on. It doesn't take long to make them because I have made enough of them that I can whip one out in under an hour. I can't help but wonder what the OP might say about how much I 'care' about the recipient given the lack of $, time and effort I put into making the gift?