Mommy wars brought home

[klwa]

*sigh* I think I may be the bad guy in this story.

DH's younger brother & his wife (SIL for the rest of this story) just had their first baby. I went to visit them at the hospital yesterday.

I got in & asked how she was doing & if everything went smoothly in labor, at which point she replied "I had to get an epidural. I don't know how you did it three times without one." And I replied that it worked for me, but I was glad that DN was here, safe & sound & healthy, and that mattered more than how he got here.

As I held him, he started rooting (I'm still breastfeeding DD2, so I'm sure he smelled milk), so I asked when he last ate & was told that it was abotu time for him to eat again. I told SIL that I could leave if she didn't feel comfortable with me in the room. (She had asked me about BF, so I knew it was her plan.) She then looked pained & said "It didn't work for me to BF." And continued talking abotu how upset she was that she couldn't make it work. So, I pointed to her husband and said jokingly, "Look, BIL was breastfed. I wasn't. Which of us would you REALLY rather DN turned out like?"

But, basically, I felt like a heel that SIL felt guilty about her choices just hours after birth & that I might be part of why she felt that way.

Mommy wars suck!

[MamaMolly]

I think you did fine. You validated her decision, helped normalize it for her, and you were kind. No matter how she feeds her baby she's going to hear about it, at least she had someone who loves her the first time.

[eagle]

also, if shes still at the hospital, its still early, isnt it? im not saying that she has to force it bc sometimes it doesnt work, but she can still work with lactation folks to see if there are things she can try...

but back to the original posting, i think you were very supportive. i think you should continue to be the way you have been with sil.

[zukeypur]

She quit trying just hours after giving birth!? It took 6 weeks for me to figure. It out with DD2. You did nothing wrong, but you continue to support her and encourage her.

[123LuckyMom]

I don't think you did anything wrong. Her feelings about her birth experiences and BF choices would exist without you. If she wants to BF, though, there's no way she could possibly have "failed" within a day or two after birth. Milk doesn't even come in until a few days post birth, and lots if babies have trouble latching when they're new. If I were you I would ask your brother whether it would make SIL feel better if she saw a lactation consultant and facilitate that process. If she wants to breast feed, she still can!

[hellokitty]

I don't think you did anything wrong. Her feelings about her birth experiences and BF choices would exist without you. If she wants to BF, though, there's no way she could possibly have "failed" within a day or two after birth. Milk doesn't even come in until a few days post birth, and lots if babies have trouble latching when they're new. If I were you I would ask your brother whether it would make SIL feel better if she saw a lactation consultant and facilitate that process. If she wants to breast feed, she still can!

ITA with the above. It sounds like your sil doesn't really know much about BF. You can help guide her in the right direction if she is still open to it.

[cvanbrunt]

You were lovely to her. Totally supportive and non-judgmental. I think if you mention that there's still time or suggest other ways to start bf, then you move into mommy wars territory. Enough people will give her crap.

[kristenk]

I think if you mention that there's still time or suggest other ways to start bf, then you move into mommy wars territory. Enough people will give her crap.

At what point does it move into mommy wars territory? It seems so early to say that BF didn't work, if she's still in the hospital, and she had expressed interest in BF to OP. Is it bad to tell her that it's still so early and giving baby formula right now, doesn't mean that she can't BF in a day or two or when her milk actually comes in? Would saying that really go into mommy war territory? (Question asked honestly, not in any sort of snarky/sarcastic way at all)

OP, I think you did great!

[123LuckyMom]

I wouldn't say anything directly to her about BF, but I would say something to my own brother. If it's a choice not to BF, fine, but if she's feeling like she failed (!) and wants to try, it would be cruel, in my opinion, not to make sure she has accurate information. I'd talk to your brother for sure, letting him know that you are doing so because you don't want to add to SIL's new mama stress. Your brother should be able to discuss it with her tactfully.

I cannot tell you how upset I would have been had I not had anyone give me supportive, accurate advice and encouragement about BF with my first baby! If I had found out later that my SIL knew that latching can be problematic, that my milk wasn't supposed to be in yet, that my body had not failed, and that I could still BF and had not shared that information with me, I would be working on letting go of anger towards her for a looooong time!

[arivecchi]

You were lovely to her. Totally supportive and non-judgmental. I think if you mention that there's still time or suggest other ways to start bf, then you move into mommy wars territory. Enough people will give her crap. Agreed. I would not try to be "helpful" by pointing out it's still early unless she asks for BF advice.

[mikala]

I wouldn't say anything directly to her about BF, but I would say something to my own brother. If it's a choice not to BF, fine, but if she's feeling like she failed (!) and wants to try, it would be cruel, in my opinion, not to make sure she has accurate information. I'd talk to your brother for sure, letting him know that you are doing so because you don't want to add to SIL's new mama stress. Your brother should be able to discuss it with her tactfully.


Yeah that. I'd speak with your brother directly in a quick conversation. In your sil's shoes I'd much rather learn more now while there's still a possibility to breastfeed than figure it out on my own on the Internet years from now.

[petesgirl]

She quit trying just hours after giving birth!? It took 6 weeks for me to figure. It out with DD2. You did nothing wrong, but you continue to support her and encourage her.
I think you were kind and supportive. But I know when I really struggled with BF'ing fit helped to hear other moms say they had a hard time too. I felt like a total failure because something natural did not come naturally to me and my baby at all. I think it is important for her to know that a lot of new mamas have a hard time and that persistence is key. But also that not BF'ing isn't the end of the world.

Eta: but I probably wouldn't bring this unless she mentions it again.