My 4 year old boy...please give me your thoughts

[barkley1]

I have no idea what's "normal"...all my friends have girls or younger boys. My sister says it's normal, but i don't exactly think her DS is the best behaved kid around (not that that's my goal, but I just want to make sure nothing's actually wrong). Please give me your honest thoughts.

DS is newly 4. Most people would say he is well behaved. He minds pretty well, but I am CONSTANTLY one step ahead of him. I spend my entire day threatening or warning him about possible consequences of poor behavior that I can see coming if I don't head it off. the majority of his "bad" behavior involves little sister - age 2. Not one hour of their lives together (obviously excluding her time as a little baby when they didn't interact) has passed that he hasn't been unkind to her, made her cry, hit her(rarely, but still happens), jerked toys away, or yelled at her (happens a lot).

The other piece of his behavior issues is outbursts/bad moods. DH and I remarked the other night that he is in a foul mood at least 50-75% of the time. i have no idea why. I took him to the beach on a girl's/kids trip last month and we almost had to leave bc he was so grumpy!! WE'RE AT THE BEACH, KID!! All the other kids were running around having a blast. Not DS. You never know what will lead to a bad mood, either. Sometimes he wakes up that way, sometimes it just comes out of the blue. This morning, I was dropping them off at MIL's (DS's favorite day of the week....grandmama day!!), she goes around and opens his door to say Good Morning!, and he absolutely looses it. Screaming, hitting the air/swatting/whatever, pitching a fit. I said, "WHOA! DS, calm down. What is the matter??" He says, "I wanted to open it (the door) myself." GEEZ. It really hurt MIL's feelings.

Everything is so negative. Any clothes I buy him, "No, I don't like it." New kid plates to eat off of..."I don't like them." He doesn't like anything, nothing makes him happy; Always ALWAYS complaining. All. Day. That truly wears on me.

He has pretty much been like this for the last 18-24 months. Is this a normal part of the toddler years? Why isn't he a happier kid? He gets plenty of sleep (8:30 pm - 7:00 a.m. with a nap about every other day). I can honestly say there's nothing at our home to be sad about - I stay at home with them full time, he gets to go to school a few days a week to hang out w/ friends, we do fun extracurricular stuff with his little friends. I'm stumped. I really hope the answer is not that "He's just a grumpy kid by nature." How sad! Soon, he's going to have permanent 11's between his eyebrows from scowling so much!

If you've read this far, thanks. I needed to vent. It's hard staying positive being around him all day! It also sucks to feel like you don't even like your own kid :( And, I wonder, is it my fault? But then I look at DD, and she is just a little ray of sunshine. Always smiling, always happy, so loving and pleasant. Truly my oasis in these days of the foul four year old :crying:

[Pilotbaby]

Have you talked to your pediatrician about it yet? If you don't like his/ her answer, you might get a second opinion. It may be perfectly normal but being in a "foul mood" 50- 75 % of the time for 18-24 months plus all of the other things you mentioned sound like they are worth checking out to me. Another option is to find a good play therapist in your area and get him evaluated. Good luck to you!

[♥ms.pacman♥]

first of i should say that not all kids love the beach or find it relaxing. i know i hated it as a kid (i had sensory issues..hated the feeling of sand on feet) and i still am not a fan (i still cannot stand sand, and i hate being in the sun for a long time). DH doesn't like it either, mainly for the sun exposure. So he may have some sort of sensory overload but cannot really express it. I know both of my kids cannot really do many things that lots of kids love (like bounce houses, jump places) bc it's too overstimulating for them. So yes, i try not to dwell on "but all the other kids are having fun doing xxx" - what is fun for some kids isn't for others.

also, my ds is 3.5 and dd is 2.5, and while they play together, they do get into a lot of fights, every day. I think that is normal.

[Pennylane]

I wouldn't say that it is normal for a child to be in a bad mood that much. At that age, I would say all three of my dc were happy 95% of the time. My dd was also 4 when her siblings were born and she never hit , jerked toys away or yelled at them. Of course all that has changed since they have gotten older.

I agree with PP. I would consult my physician and see what they say. You said it has been happening basically since your younger dd was born. Does he feel like she gets a lot more attention than he does? Could that have something to do with it?

Hugs!

Ann

[codex57]

I'm an adult and I still don't like the beach too. I like looking at them, but I don't like physically being there. Yes, it's sensory stuff (altho I don't think I have sensory issues).

But OP's kid does seem like there's something weird. Not a big deal like some disorder (autism or whatever), but something that you prolly should get professional help before it becomes overwhelming or gets worse and really starts to hurt someone.

[NJ_Mom2011]

Is there any way during the day DS can get a 20-30 mins block of time that he has you or DH to yourself, without his sister being around. He may be acting out just so he can get attention. Have you thought doing a reward chart, where he gets something he wants eventually after being a good brother to his sister?

Also, how much time does he have outside everyday? He just may be cooped up. I agree with Ms. Pacman about the beach thing.

[BabbyO]

I think PP's have some good points. My boys are the same ages 4 in July and 2 this month. The fight. Little things set either/both of them off. Stachio (my 4 yo) definitely antagonizes his brother - taking things, hitting, just being in his space. Peanut (2 yo) is the silent antagonizer with pinching, etc. So I definitely think SOME of what you describe is normal - esp for the age difference. I also find Stachio just freaking out about similar things (wanting to open the door himself instead of G-ma doing it) at times. But I will say that sleep/bedtime is a battle in our house and I see these things most often when he's low on sleep, less so when he's had adequate sleep.

I would definitely talk to your ped. Some of the behavior seems normal, but a bit excessive. I agree with Ms. Pacman - he may be dealing with some sensory issues or just feeling overwhelmed. I noticed that 1-2 weeks before school started and the 1st week of school, Stachio was definitely more sensitive and HAD to have alone time/less interaction with people. I'm guessing it was some anxiety about school as I see him adjusting. BUT, DH and I have also realized that we're pretty sure he is an introvert like DH. He needs certain things and doesn't find being around people/busy places relaxing and fun all the time. Thankfully, DH "gets" him because they are very similar and he recognizes, "Oh, Stachio just needs some low key recharge time."

I definitely think it is worth looking into...GL!

[barkley1]

first of i should say that not all kids love the beach or find it relaxing. i know i hated it as a kid (i had sensory issues..hated the feeling of sand on feet) and i still am not a fan (i still cannot stand sand, and i hate being in the sun for a long time). DH doesn't like it either, mainly for the sun exposure. So he may have some sort of sensory overload but cannot really express it. I know both of my kids cannot really do many things that lots of kids love (like bounce houses, jump places) bc it's too overstimulating for them. So yes, i try not to dwell on "but all the other kids are having fun doing xxx" - what is fun for some kids isn't for others.

also, my ds is 3.5 and dd is 2.5, and while they play together, they do get into a lot of fights, every day. I think that is normal.

Well, actually, when we were physically ON the beach is when he was the happiest. All the behavior issues took place back at the house at other times, but maybe some sensory stuff was part of it. I'd be more inclined to think that if his bad moods were just then, and not all the time, even at home.


I wouldn't say that it is normal for a child to be in a bad mood that much. At that age, I would say all three of my dc were happy 95% of the time. My dd was also 4 when her siblings were born and she never hit , jerked toys away or yelled at them. Of course all that has changed since they have gotten older.

I agree with PP. I would consult my physician and see what they say. You said it has been happening basically since your younger dd was born. Does he feel like she gets a lot more attention than he does? Could that have something to do with it?

Hugs!

Ann

DH and I do think baby sister has something to do with it. That's why we try EXTRA hard to pay him the same amount of attention, dote on him as much, compliment him equally, etc. It doesn't seem to be helping :(

I'm thinking of the 50-75% of the time "figure" and think that maybe I should say that holds true of the time he's at home. i dont think he acts this way so much at school (15 hrs/week) or at his grandmother's. So, 50-75% of the time that I actually see him, he's grumpy - mood ranging anywhere from acting ugly to others, to just speaking in a sad tone of voice. When you ask him what's wrong, it's always "Nothing." I've tried modeling a happy voice, does no good.

[Pilotbaby]

Is it possible there is something in the environment at home that is making him not feel well and impacting his moods? An example: a friend of mine years ago had a toddler with difficult behavior. After really pushing her pediatrician, she found out he was reacting to lead in their home. He improved almost immediately once that was resolved. This is maybe not the best example but just something to think about. Many people have mentioned sensory issues as well. That would certainly be worth knowing as well because then you can act/ react accordingly.



Well, actually, when we were physically ON the beach is when he was the happiest. All the behavior issues took place back at the house at other times, but maybe some sensory stuff was part of it. I'd be more inclined to think that if his bad moods were just then, and not all the time, even at home.



DH and I do think baby sister has something to do with it. That's why we try EXTRA hard to pay him the same amount of attention, dote on him as much, compliment him equally, etc. It doesn't seem to be helping :(

I'm thinking of the 50-75% of the time "figure" and think that maybe I should say that holds true of the time he's at home. i dont think he acts this way so much at school (15 hrs/week) or at his grandmother's. So, 50-75% of the time that I actually see him, he's grumpy - mood ranging anywhere from acting ugly to others, to just speaking in a sad tone of voice. When you ask him what's wrong, it's always "Nothing." I've tried modeling a happy voice, does no good.

[JBaxter]

2 of my 4 do NOT have sunny dispositions. The other morning I said Good Morning Jack. I was greeted with GOOD MORNING is a bad word don't say it anymore. OH and if the dog needs out that's Jacks thing. Heaven for bid someone else would open the door before he got there FULL ON MELT DOWN. Oh Jack doesnt like the beach either. He is happy to stay by the pool. What I have noticed is he is much worse if he is hungry. We joke here saying that we cant wait to offer him coffee in the morning to so he can be instant human again. We have considered getting Jack's blood sugar checked when he is in his nasties. My 2nd ds was always negative view kid.

[Philly Mom]

Is he happy at school? If he is, maybe increasing his time at school will help. If he is not, then I would call the ped.

[BunnyBee]

How's his sleep? Snoring?

Any potential food issues?

Sensory issues? Checklist from random google hit:
http://www.spdfoundation.net/library/checklist.html

I'd talk to your ped and ask for a referral. It can't hurt getting an expert opinion. An outside eye can sometimes point out a couple of tweaks to make your lives easier.

[BabbyO]

How's his sleep? Snoring?

Any potential food issues?

Sensory issues? Checklist from random google hit:
http://www.spdfoundation.net/library/checklist.html

I'd talk to your ped and ask for a referral. It can't hurt getting an expert opinion. An outside eye can sometimes point out a couple of tweaks to make your lives easier.

Ohhh...the snoring idea is good. DN had her adenoids removed about a month ago and has finally gotten the first good sleep in 2.5 yrs. My sister said she is a completely different child now.

[sste]

My DS was very "up and down" in mood at that age and beyond -- I wouldn't say 50-75% of the time, but probably 30-40% was negative. And now at almost 6 we are still working with him on it - - for example, he burst into immediate hysterical sobs last week on hearing that his sister got a big cupcake after her first morning of preschool (and he had gotten the same for his first day of kindy). The reactions are just so out of scale -- at 3 it was OK, at 4 borderline, but at 5 you really start to notice it.

We do special time. Also my DS responds extremely well to reason and explanations. I have had to flat out explain to him and remind him that being mean all the time to a sibling is going to hurt his relationship with her eventually and maybe even into adulthood. I emphasize that a sibling is a special, lifelong r'ship. He gets that. We have given him examples among our family and friends where a sibling tormenting the other had repercussions on the relationship that lasted through adulthood. Every time he is mean he has to make amends, give a gentle touch, or if it was hitting/pushing go to his room. I also started a running bedtime story for them about two cheetahs--the wise and patient older brother and mischievous baby cheetah and it basically runs through the baby cheetah doing annoying things and getting into danger and the big brother cheetah using his excellent tracking, fierce pouncing, etc to rescue her. I don't know if this would work for everyone but I often make them hug each other -- they both soften immediately and DS esp. seems to enjoy it. I also point out to DS all the nice things that his younger sister does for him (and it is a lot, she is a saint to him). I will say in the past year they have developed a lovely r'ship--of course some bickering but it is not the unrelenting meanness and DS actually tried to take care of his sister more and help her with things.

For the rest, I strongly rec this book (which was rec'd to me here). We implement the techniques in this book and they have worked to make DS more balanced--he will never be happy go lucky.

http://www.amazon.com/Freeing-Your-Child-Negative-Thinking/dp/0738211850

[MamaMolly]

\ I spend my entire day threatening or warning him about possible consequences of poor behavior that I can see coming if I don't head it off.

DH and I remarked the other night that he is in a foul mood at least 50-75% of the time. i have no idea why.

Everything is so negative. He doesn't like anything, nothing makes him happy; Always ALWAYS complaining. All. Day. That truly wears on me.


I think the thing with the door and MIL, the thing about clothes and plates are ALL pretty normal preschooler behavior. Their lives are out of their control and they are going to have something to say about it now that they have the vocabulary. ;)
But since you asked for honesty I also think you are spending way too much time in a negative place with him. You say his negativity wears you out, and I imagine he feels the same way about yours. I bet you can turn this around for both of you.

[carolinacool]

I think the thing with the door and MIL, the thing about clothes and plates are ALL pretty normal preschooler behavior. Their lives are out of their control and they are going to have something to say about it now that they have the vocabulary. ;)

This. I nearly got hit in the head with a thrown Funtainer a couple of weeks ago in the car because DS wanted me to turn onto one road and I turned onto the other. He is very, very into being control of things when he's with me. It is absolutely our worse issue. That said, he apparently is a peach at day care.

Have his teachers said anything about his behavior?

[barkley1]

Thanks for all the suggestions - these are lots of things I haven't thought of.
let's see...

Lead in the home? I did not get DS checked b/c our home is newer, but I will probably do that now, just in case. i can't think of any other possible triggers in our home environment unless he has allergies of some sort? Our carpet is new, and rest of home is hardwood, no pets.

jeanna - my DS sounds a lot like Jack. I have wondered about his blood sugar, but you know, it's a chore to get him to eat. He's just not a hungry kid. So, I just let it go. Mealtimes and a snack are all I can get in him, barely. He has the biggest sweet tooth EVER though. All he ever wants is sugar! Not that I give him a lot, but the little he gets is like crack....he's always wanting it, wanting more, like "When's my next hit?!" Ha ha!

Nothing on the Sensory Processing Disorder list jumped out at me...

No snoring, either. Oh, how I wish it would be something tangible like that :(

sste - that looks like a great book. Will def check it out.

Also, his teachers have nothing but good things to say about him. He seems perfectly happy at school. Then we get in the car to go home, and Mr. Grumpy is baaaaaack!

Someone mentioned a play therapist - I didn't even know those existed! Also, someone mentioned asking the ped for a referral....to what kind of dr. should I ask for? Thx!

[JBaxter]

jeanna - my DS sounds a lot like Jack. I have wondered about his blood sugar, but you know, it's a chore to get him to eat. He's just not a hungry kid. So, I just let it go. Mealtimes and a snack are all I can get in him, barely. He has the biggest sweet tooth EVER though. All he ever wants is sugar! Not that I give him a lot, but the little he gets is like crack....he's always wanting it, wanting more, like "When's my next hit?!" Ha ha!

!

YES. Some mornings I make him a smoothie before he wakes up ( banana vanilla yogurt and milk) and just hand it to him before I talk to him. I keep granola bars handy and stuff like those applesauce bag thingies It seems if Jack takes even a few bites he's in a better mood.

[barkley1]

But since you asked for honesty I also think you are spending way too much time in a negative place with him. You say his negativity wears you out, and I imagine he feels the same way about yours. I bet you can turn this around for both of you.

That's pretty amazing that you pretty much pinned his whole mood issue on me. I'm sure it's hard to opine without knowing all the details, but I can assure you that my interactions with him are as positive as possible. If I didn't spend so much time staying a step ahead of him, it would be utter hell in this house. He would be in time out the majority of the day. that's certainly not going to help things, but I cannot just let him misbehave or hurt others with no consequences. Giving him a choice upfront has gone so far in keeping the peace (DS you can either come upstairs for rest time right now without pitching a fit and read 2 books, or you can pitch a fit about rest time and loose a book. OR, while he's banging his spoon on the table during dinner, "DS you can play with your spoon in a way that doesn't disturb others,such as tapping your hand, or I'll have to take the spoon away. What is your choice?). Of course, i'm not going around and giving him all these choices when he hasn't shown any poor behavior yet; it's always when I see it coming in his words or actions.

As for me and DH's convo, it was in private w/o him there, and we are both pretty much at the end of our rope with him bringing us down all the time. I think it's OK for us to be honest w/ each other about the situation in case we decide we need to see help. He might truly be suffering from a medical condition. I'm not going to walk around for another 2 years like it's all sunshine and rainbows around here.

[lovin2shop]

My younger DS can easily (and regularly) spiral down a negativity vortex. I can easily read the look in his eyes as we're headed there! The only thing that I have found that helps is positive reinforcement of good behavior. So, lot's of opportunities for earning treats, privileges, extra attention, etc. It is quite remarkable how much he wants to please if given the opportunity. At 4, we started a sticker chart, and I definitely had to include some items that he could accomplish easily. And it could not be an all or nothing type scenario, I had to leave him some room for error to still earn a "coupons" at the end of the week.

[sste]

I just wanted to add that you should not blame yourself. I don't consider myself a master disciplinarian by any stretch but for a long while what we were dealing with was beyond what dh or I could have possibly created! We ended up working with a behavioral psychologist for 3-4 sessions and it was very helpful. We are now considering a cognitive-behave therapist for DS to help teach and reinforce coping skills -- DS will literally start yelling to us, why are my feelings so strong! Anyhow, I found that society dramatically overweights the role of nurture in these issues. If I have responsibility it is mostly genetic! DD, also raised by DH and I, and with far less discipline, structure, and support has never had a behavior issue and is a calm and optimistic personality.

I also don't think it matters whether or not it is normal. People put up with all kinds of things that may be normal -- meaning a lot of other people put up with them - - but unnecessary. If you are reaching the point where you can say, "Most of the time I do not enjoy my time with my child" then I think things need to change.

[hillview]

First I'd chart it for a couple of days for me personally, it helps me get perspective (especially if I am not sleeping well -- NO idea if this applies to you at all!). The fighting at this age sounds 100% NORMAL like my boys (maddening). DS1 was pretty unhappy having a DS2 around til DS2 was 3 or so then they started to play a little better together (and now that DS2 is 6 they play well about 75% of the time). It does sound like something might be going on with DS, I agree getting that getting a pedi opinion and possibly a therapist eval could be helpful (I did this with DS2 and it helped me a ton) -- I had thought something was off about DS2 since he was about 18 months. It is good news that at school things are well. Good luck!

[Melaine]

OP, the first thing I thought of when reading your OP was sensitivity to food dye. Many children respond to food dye in the way you are describing. When you talk about his taste for sugar it also connects as many kids crave what they are sensitive to. If it were me, I would cut out sugar and dyes. It wouldn't hurt to see the ped. but I would research the diet thing also.

[megs4413]

you've gotten lots of great input. I just wanted to chime in with "not normal. warrants investigation." The issue for me here is not so much the examples you've given, but that it's clearly impacting quality of life for BOTH of you. That is something that deserves attention whether it leads to a dx or not.

I think one key thing about what your describing, though, is that he clearly can change/control this behavior if they're not seeing it at school. that tells me that this CAN improve....it's just going to be a matter of finding out how to improve it. FWIW, my DD started play therapy at 5yo. She isn't in therapy anymore, but it really, really improved our relationship and her quality of life. HUGS to you!

[indigo99]

I have one easy-going boy who is super sweet (walks around saying he loves me and giving hugs all day long). My 4-year-old is more challenging. I have found that when I make a real effort to use positive reinforcement instead of negative then he really does act better though. I don't think you should blame yourself, and I know exactly how frustrating it is. Afterall, it's not like I can ignore bad behavior when he's sitting on top of his brother, right? However, if you are constantly correcting him and nagging him and fussing at him then his bad attitude may be a reflection of that. I haven't read all of this book about defiant kids (http://www.amazon.com/Kazdin-Method-Parenting-Defiant-ebook/dp/B003SNKBZK/ref=sr_1_11?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1379449548&sr=1-11&keywords=explosive+child) yet, but I got the sample on amazon and think that it probably applies to my child so you may find it helpful too.

[squimp]

I spend my entire day threatening or warning him about possible consequences of poor behavior that I can see coming if I don't head it off.

This statement really jumped out at me. It does sound like a lot of negativity, and it also sounds like it's not working. I'm not saying it's your fault, but it sounds really hard and I'd be looking for help.

[dogmom]

I know with my DD her anxiety exhibits in her needing to control her environment. Not at school or public place, but at home with us. She is a terror at home, an angel at school. It leads to outburst, conflicts between us, tantrums. I can see how you trying to control it makes it worse. What it comes down to is if it is effecting your family it's worth dealing with. Talk to your peds first, and seek your DH input into conversation. At a bare minimum some family therapy to get new eyes on the situation and new tricks in your bag might be worth a few visits.

[Simon]

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice. I'll just second that your post made me think immediately about sleep disturbances--so not feeling rested, food sensitvities (maybe dye, maybe something else), and also low blood sugar.

When we were looking to rule out things for our own Dc who was going through a tough patch, we used a required OJ dose first thing in the AM for a period of 2 weeks. We put 2 oz in a cup and even delivered it by oral syringe for a few days because we wanted to see if it was a quick mood fix.

[MamaMolly]

That's pretty amazing that you pretty much pinned his whole mood issue on me. I'm sure it's hard to opine without knowing all the details, but I can assure you that my interactions with him are as positive as possible. If I didn't spend so much time staying a step ahead of him, it would be utter hell in this house. He would be in time out the majority of the day. that's certainly not going to help things, but I cannot just let him misbehave or hurt others with no consequences. Giving him a choice upfront has gone so far in keeping the peace (DS you can either come upstairs for rest time right now without pitching a fit and read 2 books, or you can pitch a fit about rest time and loose a book. OR, while he's banging his spoon on the table during dinner, "DS you can play with your spoon in a way that doesn't disturb others,such as tapping your hand, or I'll have to take the spoon away. What is your choice?). Of course, i'm not going around and giving him all these choices when he hasn't shown any poor behavior yet; it's always when I see it coming in his words or actions.

As for me and DH's convo, it was in private w/o him there, and we are both pretty much at the end of our rope with him bringing us down all the time. I think it's OK for us to be honest w/ each other about the situation in case we decide we need to see help. He might truly be suffering from a medical condition. I'm not going to walk around for another 2 years like it's all sunshine and rainbows around here.

You asked for honest opinions. I'm sorry you saw my response as a personal attack. It was my intent to say that yes, you are in the trenches of parenting a preschooler right now, and that changing your outlook might help. I still think he sounds normal, and what you are doing sounds like parenting. It is a lot of work when you are doing it right, which it sounds like you are. But what ever.

[amom526]

I know with my DD her anxiety exhibits in her needing to control her environment. Not at school or public place, but at home with us. She is a terror at home, an angel at school. It leads to outburst, conflicts between us, tantrums. I can see how you trying to control it makes it worse. What it comes down to is if it is effecting your family it's worth dealing with. Talk to your peds first, and seek your DH input into conversation. At a bare minimum some family therapy to get new eyes on the situation and new tricks in your bag might be worth a few visits.

This^

That is us at 2.5. Since I have anxiety myself, I am very in tune, and I can almost intuitively tell which outbursts are anxiety related or not. It is hard. Conventional Discipline does not necessarily work for kids like this, because they are acting out in order to calm their anxiety. All toddlers go through this to an extent as they try to make sense of the world, but for anxious kids it is a lot lot worse. The fact that he is an angel at school, and lets it all out as soon as he gets in the car makes me think that it may be sensory or anxiety related, and possibly both. My DS holds it together extremely well at school, but he has a very difficult time around us at home.

[123LuckyMom]

I'm definitely going to read that book about negativity. Thanks for the tip!

OP, I think you've gotten a lot of great advice. My DS is not usually negative, but he has begun to throw tantrums that are much worse than those he threw as a toddler. He's almost 5! I do know that blood sugar and sleep have a HUGE amount to do with it. Being an angel in school and being tired when he gets home plays a role. His 18 month old sister is definitely also a factor.

I have found as far as discipline and addressing this issue go that only positive responses work. The more DS feels criticized or like he is a "bad" boy (which is nothing any of us would ever say or intimate to him, but he feels that way nonetheless) or like he is in trouble or disappointing us, his acting out gets MUCH worse. He responds VERY well to encouragement and praise. He has a star chart he takes pride in, and rather than focusing on his negative behavior or giving him warnings to forestall negative behavior, I work really hard to catch him doing something right. If I do this very consistently over several days, it's like living with a new child.

I recommend the book _Siblings Without Rivalry_ for sibling issues. It's worked very well in our house. This book also gave me the idea of urging DS to draw his negative emotions. He lives to do that, and he joyfully shows me how well he drew his anger. It really shifts his mood, and DD stays safe!

[Green_Tea]

Please give me your honest thoughts.

DS is newly 4. Most people would say he is well behaved. He minds pretty well, but I am CONSTANTLY one step ahead of him. I spend my entire day threatening or warning him about possible consequences of poor behavior that I can see coming if I don't head it off. the majority of his "bad" behavior involves little sister - age 2. Not one hour of their lives together (obviously excluding her time as a little baby when they didn't interact) has passed that he hasn't been unkind to her, made her cry, hit her(rarely, but still happens), jerked toys away, or yelled at her (happens a lot).



I know that it's not what you want to hear, but I think a PP nailed it. You said that you are always expecting that he will misbehave and you spend your whole day threatening and warning him. It sounds like he is living up to your expectations.

If he is always happy at school, could you observe him there? Maybe see how his teachers interact with him and what elicits the desired results? I think it sounds like you have both fallen into a negative pattern. I think that if someone always expected the worse of me and was always issuing threats and warnings, I'd be in a pretty bad mood around them, too. It doesn't mean you are a bad parent, just that maybe you need to reconsider how you deal with the undesirable behavior. I spent a lot of time engaging in power struggles with my own son, who is definitely challenging. Once I realized that as the adult in the situation it was MY responsibility to adjust how I was dealing with him, our relationship improved.

[Cam&Clay]

We often call DS2 a grumpy old man. He is 5 1/2 now and is much better than he was a year ago. He has been known to declare his bath "too wet" and has often asked his sitter to air condition her back yard in the summer. He has a real knack for pointing out the bad in every situation.

His teachers and I have found that we are better off ignoring his negative behavior. Unless in the case of hurting your DD, of course, maybe if you didn't give him any attention at all when he is especially grumpy and you know he's well-rested, fed, etc.?

[indigo99]

Giving choices is helpful and will work sometimes. This book I'm reading would recommend that you ignore the bad behavior though. For instance, if he's tapping a spoon on the table then you could start clapping wildly and congratulate his sister on how well she is eating with her spoon. Then he may want to do the same so he can get the same reaction. You have to go out of your way to find ways to give lots of positive praise even if it's only for partially doing what you want. We were having trouble getting DS to go to bed and stay in it, but I started going overboard in praising him and telling him how happy he makes me when he got into bed. Now he likes to see me acting ridiculously happy so he'll climb in and say "be happy, Mommy!"

[Mopey]

Hugs to you OP. Good luck with all this - you must be drained.

I wanted to tell you that in the (fascinating imho) book "Nuture Shock" the author profiles a long-term study of siblings, and though the exact interaction is not necessarily ideal right now, apparently the fact that they interact at all bodes well for a continued bond into adulthood. (ie. in the study they videotaped siblings playing for an hour. the ones who kind of ignored each other and did their own things were still not close when the final evaluation, as the younger went off to college I think, was made.) HTH a little :hug:

[mommy111]

I think PP's have some good points. My boys are the same ages 4 in July and 2 this month. The fight. Little things set either/both of them off. Stachio (my 4 yo) definitely antagonizes his brother - taking things, hitting, just being in his space. Peanut (2 yo) is the silent antagonizer with pinching, etc. So I definitely think SOME of what you describe is normal - esp for the age difference. I also find Stachio just freaking out about similar things (wanting to open the door himself instead of G-ma doing it) at times. But I will say that sleep/bedtime is a battle in our house and I see these things most often when he's low on sleep, less so when he's had adequate sleep.

I would definitely talk to your ped. Some of the behavior seems normal, but a bit excessive. I agree with Ms. Pacman - he may be dealing with some sensory issues or just feeling overwhelmed. I noticed that 1-2 weeks before school started and the 1st week of school, Stachio was definitely more sensitive and HAD to have alone time/less interaction with people. I'm guessing it was some anxiety about school as I see him adjusting. BUT, DH and I have also realized that we're pretty sure he is an introvert like DH. He needs certain things and doesn't find being around people/busy places relaxing and fun all the time. Thankfully, DH "gets" him because they are very similar and he recognizes, "Oh, Stachio just needs some low key recharge time."

I definitely think it is worth looking into...GL!
I think this is 'spot on'. Your kid sounds perfectly normal to me. I have to tell you that I have a DC that is always happy and a DC who is miserable around me (but OK at school etc). I think a lot of this has to do with DD (the not always happy one) being very different from me. DS, I get, he's just like me. If he's in a bad mood (rare), I know what will make him happy because I know what would make me happy in that situation. DD, she's very unlike me. I empathize with what she's feeling in a particular experience but I can't personalize or draw on my own experience to understand how to make her better. Therefore, often, my response to her reactions often feels inadequate both to her and me...I just don't know how to make her feel OK. OTOH my mom totally 'gets' her. My mom will say a couple of words around a bad mood/tantrum and all of a sudden she will be OK again.
Just posting to say, this is normal. Some kids are like that for some parts of their lives. I think it requires special perception as a parent to see what's hurting them and what to do to make things better and that will take time to find.

[mommy111]

and has often asked his sitter to air condition her back yard in the summer.

:hysterical:Love that, love that! A kiddo after my own heart!!

[Reader]

Thanks for all the suggestions - these are lots of things I haven't thought of.

He has the biggest sweet tooth EVER though. All he ever wants is sugar! Not that I give him a lot, but the little he gets is like crack....he's always wanting it, wanting more, like "When's my next hit?!" Ha ha!



I would wonder about yeast. I have seen yeast overgrowths cause aggression in my children. You could ask your pediatrician about yeast overgrowth testing or probiotics. People with yeast issues often crave sugar because the sugar feeds the yeast.

[Momit]

We've had a challenging summer with DS, who has always been a happy and easy-going kid. We've been in the process of moving for several months and he's really developed a temper, gets angry about seemingly minor things, complains a lot, etc. Someone here recommended the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids and it has made such a difference - mainly how I interact with him and the reasons behind his behavior. There were also some books on Amazon with things like Your Explosive Child in the title - I was tempted to order one of those too but didn't know which one, and I feel that we've made enough progress just from using the Peaceful Parent techniques. One thing they mentioned was how good physical play like wrestling is at helping kids release built-up tension. Never would have thought of it but it totally works - maybe your DS used to get more of that type of play before baby sister came along?

Also agree with checking for dietary sensitivities and any kind of sleep issues.

Hugs and good luck, OP.