I don't know why this still bothers me but want to get it out

[bisous]

My parents divorced when I was two years old. Both remarried nice people. I grew up with my mom and step dad. My stepdad probably overreached but he truly treated me like his own. My stepmom was also an amazing person. She treated me like a stepdaughter but not in a bad way.

But with my Dad and Stepdad there was a very obvious divide between how I was treated and how my brother (their son) was treated. For college I got $100 a month. He went to an Ivy and didn't work summers. Every summer they took him to Hawaii. We were invited one time.

That's not fair, right?

I should be over it by now. I'm mostly over it by now. I guess I'm just a little jealous. Dad and stepmom are in Hawaii for two weeks. They deserve it. They work hard. My brother posts a picture from their hotel... It still stings I guess!

[crl]

I am sorry. I can see how that would hurt. My in-laws have paid for SIL's college and subsidized all kinds of post graduate work, housing costs despite being employed and done none of this for dh. Heck when we met them at WDW a couple of years ago, they paid SIL's entire way and contributed nothing to our family of four's trip. It makes me angry on behalf of dh, but he would rather just assume they do it because they think she "needs" the help and he doesn't.

I hope you can find peace with it, just for your sake.

Catherine

[♥ms.pacman♥]

i am so sorry. you have every right to be upset. i know i would be.

is your brother married or have kids? if not i can sort of see why they invite him on vacations, i guess bc they still consider him a child ....could also be a way of them still clinging to the idea that they still have a "kid" who isn't busy with their own family, KWIM? For some people as they get older that seems to be a big deal. but if he has a family of his own, and they invited him and his family and not you, yeah then that's really unfair.

eta: i agree that it may not necessarily be a stepparent thing, but more of a "babying" the younger sibling thing, or the whole notion of some parents really feeling the strong need to feel "needed" as their kids get older, and partly the need to show off to everyone all these nice things they're doing for their kids. to me, personally i think it's the lamest thing but there you go. it is rampant in my extended family (thankfully not my own parents)...some kids get totally coddled - parents buy them nice car, education paid for, apt paid for, etc whereas another sibling (usually older, more independent one, typically gets married/has family earlier) gets nothing bc supposedly they don't need help. So if it helps any, IMO it's not so much that they "favor" one sibling over another, it's that they get a kick out of being able to do all these lavish things for one of their kids, like they're such a great parent by being able to do all these things for them, like it's "helping" them or whatever. i don't know so they have some sense of pride or whatever. I will never really understand it but i've seen it happen so often in my parents' extended family this seems to be it in a nutshell.

[AngB]

If it makes you feel any better, my parents aren't divorced but my parents definitely treat us differently. My now 16 y.o. brother has his own SUV that my parents gave him, has had his own cell phone for years, etc. I didn't get a cell phone until I was 16 (and even then, the service was considered part of my bday present.) No car of my own, etc. I got married at 19 and my parents didn't really help us or pay for much (not that we asked for help), my 25 y.o. brother still lives there rent free, gets free food, (they even go out of their way to feed him like will bring him back meals if we go out to eat...it's pretty ridiculous.)

Anyway, I am sorry it bothers you, I don't think it is exclusively a stepparent thing though.

[elektra]

DH is the oldest of 6, and there is a huge difference in how he was treated and his youngest brother was treated. They joke about how if DH got a D in math, he would have been grounded and feared the wrath of his dad's physical punishment. When his youngest brother got a D in math, they offered to buy him an electric guitar if he brought the grade up!
I am sure the step dynamic is in play with your situation to a certain degree but I do think the younger siblings in general, even from the same set of parents, especially if they are much younger, tend to get better treatment by the parents.

[bisous]

Thanks for the sympathy, guys. I can completely understand why my (large) family wasn't invited on this Hawaii trip. That is an incredibly different dynamic than a single guy! But I'm talking about back when we were kids. We are a few years older than my brother (by "we" I refer to my sister and me--oh and she's single and not invited, BTW!) but each year as kids we got to hear about the fun vacation that my brother took with my dad and we were invited once.

Maybe it is a younger brother thing. I really am in a good place with this relationship for the most part. What has helped the most over the years is realizing that it is unfair and realizing that I at least on the "other" side (my mom and stepdad) I was treated like a true daughter. My mom was a SAHM. My Stepdad paid the exact same amount for me to go to college that he paid for "his" kids. It didn't come close to covering everything but it was really fair and it was never even a question of chipping in for us too. My Stepdad just didn't work like that. My littler siblings on that side get indulged a bit more than my sister and I did but it is done so obviously because they need more help that it doesn't hurt my feelings at all. Sometimes you can just tell.

Thanks for reading this and for responding. It felt good to get it out! I always feel like I'm over it but sometimes things still sting a little bit and it is surprising when that happens. Maybe I can chalk it up to pregnancy hormones!

[rin]

I'm sorry. That would make me very sad.

Chiming in with PPs, though, to say that it may not be a bio-kid/step-kid thing. I'm the oldest of four, and my parents paid for my dorm room freshman year, and then after that I paid for all my expenses for the remainder of college. My brother (the youngest)? My parents paid for all his room/board/books for all four years of college, in addition to sending him spending money on demand. My younger sister is turning 30 in a few weeks, and my parents paid for a ticket home at Christmas last year, just recently stopped paying her health insurance . . . They have not paid my health insurance since I was a minor, haven't offered to pay for a plane ticket since I was 20, and certainly haven't taken me or my family on any vacations. Last year they took my three siblings on a vacation, and didn't invite me or DH or the kids. It was hard not to feel a little hurt, even though I kind of got why they'd done it that way . . . When I was a teenager I had a curfew of 10, while my brother got a curfew of midnight. The injustices ;) go on!

Bottom line, IME the baby of the family *totally* gets the easy road!!!!!!!

[crl]

As a total aside, dh's sister is his twin. Families can be weird, and painful, and wonderful.

Catherine

[bisous]

As a total aside, dh's sister is his twin. Families can be weird, and painful, and wonderful.

Catherine

Oh wow. That does make that kind of treatment remarkable! BTW, I am also married to a twin. But he has a twin brother (fraternal). His family dynamic is singleton boy, 20 months later 1 set of male twins, 16 months later 1 set of boy/girl twins. DH has only one sister and she is also treated differently than all the rest of the boys. DH doesn't seem to mind but it is really weird to watch. I guess you guys are right. Families are just weird that way. I feel fortunate because my mom and stepdad are remarkably "even" with us. Maybe the stepfamily dynamic caused them to work extra hard at it?

In any case, as DH always says, I can't control what happens in "that" family. I can just love them and accept them for what they are and choose to accept what they offer (they are good grandparents to my kids, for example). He pointed out that in OUR family I am very much loved and appreciated fully and completely. It is nice to get that from somewhere, so maybe I need to stop complaining!

[bisous]

I'm sorry. That would make me very sad.

Chiming in with PPs, though, to say that it may not be a bio-kid/step-kid thing. I'm the oldest of four, and my parents paid for my dorm room freshman year, and then after that I paid for all my expenses for the remainder of college. My brother (the youngest)? My parents paid for all his room/board/books for all four years of college, in addition to sending him spending money on demand. My younger sister is turning 30 in a few weeks, and my parents paid for a ticket home at Christmas last year, just recently stopped paying her health insurance . . . They have not paid my health insurance since I was a minor, haven't offered to pay for a plane ticket since I was 20, and certainly haven't taken me or my family on any vacations. Last year they took my three siblings on a vacation, and didn't invite me or DH or the kids. It was hard not to feel a little hurt, even though I kind of got why they'd done it that way . . . When I was a teenager I had a curfew of 10, while my brother got a curfew of midnight. The injustices ;) go on!

Bottom line, IME the baby of the family *totally* gets the easy road!!!!!!!

You know what? Come to think of it, I DO get left out by my Mom sometimes! I have been the only one with kids for almost 9 years. My mom routinely invites "her daughters" for trips but I don't get invited. I kind of get it because of the kids' things but it would be nice to be asked or at least to have it explained to me, KWIM?

[HannaAddict]

I think with your step-brother, he was invited since your dad and his mom (your step-mom) had custody of him, while you lived primarily with your mom and your step-dad. There is just a different relationship there with moms and their kids (most of the time) versus dads and their kids post-divorce, at least from what I see. I know that couples I know do take the custodial child on trips more than they take the child living with the other parent. This whole bond/relationship then continues into adulthood. And I've been right there with you. My dad married a woman with three daughters right when I started college and I was not included in any of the "family" vacations or any of the other things a dad should pay for. . . it totally stings. I'm sorry! My dad's new wife has two kids and both are divorced and remarried with many kids between them. I am impressed that her daughter and current husband have taken their entire brady bunch style family (five kids, two girls, three boys) on several all family included vacations, including Hawaii. Not cheap but the kids will not have the same resentment and are close, even if all their custody times don't overlap. The parents really go the extra mile to make it work for all the kids. It is not the common situation though.

[crayonblue]

It hurts, plain and simple. My grandmother passed away a few years ago and left my dad a large sum of money. He gave a good chunk to his step-daughters, including helping one of them buy a car. He gave absolutely nothing to me or my three brothers. In fact, he flat out told me I would get nothing as I "didn't need it". Not sure what excuse he had for my brothers as one works a minimum wage job, one is developmentally disabled and lives on a group home property and one is in college.

I don't know exactly how to treat each kid fairly but I am darn well going to try.

[Simon]

I was only going to say I'm sorry and chime in I'm sorry you're dealing wtih that, I agree that its unfair and unfair can still hurt as an adult. Like pp, I see that it happens between full sibs, too. Usually it happens between oldest and youngest because parents may be in a better financial situation when the youngest is in high school, goes off to college, etc or else because the parents perceive one of the kids as being less capable and more needy. I'm sure that doesn't take the sting out of it but its the patters that are most common.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Oh, sister. We should get together and talk sometime. SAME thing here. Divorced when I was 2, both remarried nice people, 2 younger half-brothers, $125/mo for college vs. off campus apt, nice cars, vacations during college. NOW it's even more pronounced (IMO) because they actually go visit my half-brother who lives 30 min. away and they sometimes don't even TELL ME they are in town. I got wind of a reason one day when my SM said that DN was "her real granddaughter" like my 3 never existed. Ugh. They have weekly dinners with one brother and SIL, almost daily phone calls with the other, and I get barely an email to acknowledge that I've called to talk with them. It hurts SO much, but I welcome them into our lives and know that they are the ones missing out.

[BunnyBee]

There's that whole "fair does not mean equal" thing, but those people are just being crappy. I'm so sorry.

The opposite of this is a group of siblings in our family. The middle child flipped out and demanded things be exactly equal, down to demanding cash equivalent to what they spent on her sister's braces (she herself did not need them), brother's instrument lessons (she did not want them), etc. when she was about 30. She had a whole accounting list!

[MamaMolly]

It stings. My dad and Stepmonster raised my stepsister completely differently than how my sister and I were raised. Not that it has done her any good. But still, OP, it does sting.

[niccig]

The opposite of this is a group of siblings in our family. The middle child flipped out and demanded things be exactly equal, down to demanding cash equivalent to what they spent on her sister's braces (she herself did not need them), brother's instrument lessons (she did not want them), etc. when she was about 30. She had a whole accounting list!

That sounds like my SIL - she feels she wasn't treated equally and makes MIL/FIL "pay" now by demanding more attention from them.

A friend got into a fight with her younger sister, and the younger sister said "you were loved more as you got 5 years more presents." My friend didn't get it, then realized, "you mean the presents I got because I"m 5 years older than you?!"

OP, I'm sorry things aren't treated equally. It stinks.

[Aishe]

I have a friend whose parents were incredibly strict and demanding with him. They expected a 4.0 GPA every report card, never budged on his curfew, etc . . . Then they did a complete 180 with his younger brother. They were so lenient that at one point they were even watering his pot plants for him!!! My friend eventually got over it, but it really burned him for a long time.

[sste]

I would feel hurt too! I am so torn on this issue now that I am parent. To be clear, I would never do what you describe! But, based on their 3 and 5 year old selves, I could see DS becoming a naturalist or museum curator--hard work, not a lot of money, uber competitive and often requiring tons of unpaid work to land a job. And frankly I see DD taking over a small country--I realize this sounds bizarre to say about a three year old but I don't think she will ever want for money if money is her desire and if money is not her desire she just won't be very focused on material things, that is DD. So I wonder if we will be exactly even. I guess I would think about it as I would be even in helping my kids realize their goals but that that might not translate into exact dollar to dollar financial parity.

Anyway, OP I know that is not what you are talking about! I am another one with a like experience -- my parents told me they were giving everything in their will to my sister. My parents are not well off per se but the land value of their tear-down house is probably close to 500k plus their insurance. They gave my kids a very small amount of money for college in the will. To be clear, my sister is not a pauper! She is a single schoolteacher without kids who would be able to buy a condo but not a house on her own. My H and I make alot more money but we have two kids, some plans to expand our family further, and if my H and I were to divorce 2/3 of our income is his, I would actually not be in stellar shape financially in a HCOL area with young kids. Anyhow, I have mostly not let it affect my relationship with my sister (though I am a bit shocked that she told me emphatically she thinks this is a fair future distribution). *But* I am very distant from my father, my remaining parent. For a variety of reasons including his personal issues, horrible grandparenting, and volatile temper but really this was the final straw. This is very unique to one's own situations and feelings but in my case, I decided it was disrespecting myself to make substantial further attempts at a relationship with him. We talk on the phone maybe once a month, I visit one day a year.

[hellokitty]

OP, :hug:. My parents aren't divorced (but should be), but were very unequal in the way they treated my siblings and I growing up and are still very unequal about it. I have always been in family scapegoat and least liked child, it sucks, but that's the way it has always been. So, I totally get it. My brothers got to go to Europe, expensive summer camps, private boarding school, etc.. I got none of that, wasn't even given a chance, but yet still held to the same stds, and I was the only one who had to work summer jobs, when the other two were never expected to do so. It sucks to be the one who is short changed, and to know it and it hurts that it's your own parents that do it to you.

[KpbS]

I'm sorry. That's very hurtful. You are the bigger person for sure for trying to get past it all. It truly is their loss, although it is hard to see things that way. :hug:

[California]

Hugs, that is so tough. Pregnancy brings up all sorts of childhood stuff. It's a time of inward reflection mixed with changing hormones. I'm sure some part of you is questioning how your dad could be OK with the vacations. But, he probably didn't even realize would upset you. It sounds like overall he is a loving dad.