How would you handle this? Kindy issue

[wellyes]

DD came home from school cheerful and talking about lots of things. In the conversation she mentioned that during rest time, one boy poked her, messed with her shirt and pulled her hair. She says he pulled her hair 3 times, so hard "my hair came off in his hand!" Then she said that after nap time, he said he was sorry twice. She was not upset when she said any of this.

I'm not worried about her, I think she's OK.

I just wonder if I should mention it to the teacher? In case this pesky kid is tormenting a kid who doesn't handle it as well. I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, seems like fairly normal kid stuff to me, but I'm just not sure.

[elektra]

For that much physical contact, I would send a note to the teacher, asking that she please keep any eye on things.
Right now a boy is "bugging" DD in 1st grade, making faces at her, "copying" her, she said he sort of pushed her (they sit at desks right up against each other), but that the teacher saw him do it and reprimanded him.
I am encouraging her to tell the teacher about the faces at this point because she has already told him to stop. But since I think DD may still be able to handle it, I am waiting a bit to tell the teacher myself, as I want her to be able to try and work it out herself. However, if she mentions it again I may email the teacher.
In your case I would still encourage your DD to tell him firmly to stop it and to tell the teacher, but I would also send an email in too.

I did tell her that he may just actually want to be friends and doesn't know how to show it but that it does not excuse him getting into her personal space, bugging her or distracting her in class and she should speak up.

[ahisma]

I'd leave it be. If it happens often I'd mention it, but not a one-off that she wasn't bothered by.

[minnie-zb]

I would encourage her to say something to the teacher if it bothers her.

[sste]

I would not because the boy apologized and your daughter wasn't upset -- it actually sounds like a successfully resolved social interaction and hey maybe she is handling things better than you think for it to have played out that way.

I do actually role play different responses with my DS when this stuff comes up--saying "I don't like that," if that doesn't work the specific words he can use to ask a teacher for help.

The thing is this boy may be friends with your daughter. My DS told me the other day that he really likes this one boy C, and he pushed his legs off the jungle gym so C was dangling and then fell down (not injury fell down, as I gather on his feet), and I had to ask him "was C OK with that? Was he upset? Did he want to play with you later?" DS was surprised--this had not occurred to him and it is STILL not clear to me whether it was friend-friend goofing off or DS ripped this kid off a jungle gym. I had to ask DS how would he feel if someone did that to him and explain that playing together is OK but if he was too rough a friend may start avoiding playing with him. We talked about whether DS should apologize and I told DS I would leave that up to him to decide how to handle it. This is my longwinded sign of saying this doesn't sound to me like bullying so much as friendship/affection. Lucky for your DD there aren't still inkwells in class!

[Aishe]

We had a similar situation when dd was in kindergarten. I suspected the boy just wanted to be her friend so I talked to his mom and arranged a playdate. We never had any problems after that, and now two years later they are very good friends. I think it's a good sign that he apologized to her. I did talk to the teacher because I wanted to understand better when and how these incidents were occurring, but I knew she was already working with this boy on his behavior. If you think the teacher's not aware of the behavior I think it's worth mentioning it to her.

[elektra]

I personally would not put 100% stock in your DD's reaction. In our case, have learned that while my DD can be overly dramatic about some things, she can also be stoic and uses positive talk to try and convince herself things are ok. While I am glad she is able to do that, sometimes it comes out later that things are bothering her much more than she let on to initially.
I have also been through an instance last year where she was being tickled by a girl she had to sit next to on the rug and it got really out of hand.
So if another child ended up with yanked out hairs from my child, and was messing with their clothing, I personally would feel more comfortable just clueing the teacher in, and asking she keep a closer on on your DD during naptime to see if it was just "normal kid stuff" or something more problematic.

[JBaxter]

I would not unless it happens again. Maybe casually mention to your DD ... well if it happens again make sure you tell your teacher. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt to it was dealt with at school unless it happens multiple times.

[icunurse]

I would not unless it happens again. Maybe casually mention to your DD ... well if it happens again make sure you tell your teacher. I tend to give the benefit of the doubt to it was dealt with at school unless it happens multiple times.

Agree. I also start young teaching my children to report *important* issues (dangerous, hurtful) to teachers themselves vs me contacting the teacher. In K, all the kids are learning new boundaries and social behavior, I wouldn't go running with every little thing, especially if it seems like it was resolved.

[wellyes]

You're right, he probably just wants to be her friend and doesn't know how. I don't want to get him in trouble over this when they resolved it themselves.

Thanks guys.

[ahisma]

Our school uses "talk, walk, squawk"

First you talk - talk it out with the person. If that doesn't work, you walk away. If that doesn't work, you tell a teacher.

As the mom of a teen, this stuff comes up constantly. It's not that it doesn't matter, because it does. The key is in learning, and teaching your child to differentiate between a mild annoyance and a real problem.

[sste]

Ahisma, on similar lines our kindy teachers has a basket of old cell phones that are labeled "tattle phones." She has told all of them that if the issue is minor-- that is does not involve someone getting hurt, not being safe, or not being caring to a classmate -- they should go get a tattle phone and tell what happened. She told them she checks her VMs on the tattle phones at the end of the day. :)

[elektra]

I can see why you do not want to tell the teacher. And I definitely encourage my DD to try and work things out for herself first directly with the child, and then with the teacher if needed. (So "talk, walk, squak" essentially) I only contacted the school once last year after DD let me know she was not able to work things out. And when the other incident happened and DD told me, the school actually contacted me before I even had a chance to email her teacher.
However, in your DD's situation, she cannot "walk" and probably is not supposed to "talk" either, if this is a quiet time occurrence. I do not think you would be getting the boy in trouble or tattling if you asked the teacher to keep an eye on things.
I realize I may sound over the top, because of what happened to my DD. I'm still suggesting that you don't dismiss the whole thing though, and if you decide against contacting the teacher at this point.
And hopefully it truly is a one time thing and no big deal.

[fivi2]

Rough play outside at recess? I would let it go since they worked it out.

That level of physical contact during nap time when your dd doesn't have a lot of recourse - I would casually mention to the teacher. "Hey, dd said someone was pulling her hair, etc, at nap. Just wanted to let you know so you could be on the look out." You don't have to name the other kid or get anyone in trouble.

Imo, this does involve physically hurtful behavior (pulling hair out of her head), so I would be fine with dds telling the teacher. I don't consider painful physical interactions to be minor, especially during a time when dd is not able to leave the situation. The poking or tickling, I would consider fairly minor if it only happened occasionally and both kids were okay with it. jmo!

[SnuggleBuggles]

She should totally tell the teacher. Eta- more in a keep an eye on it sort of way.

[sste]

Hmm, I think why we are dividing is the missing detail (isn't that always the case with the stories they bring home) about the hair. I had in mind a long hair or two that would more or less naturally fall out with a brush or someone firmly touching the hair-- but your DD noticed it in a wait my hair kind of way. I am a constant hair shedder so for me I don't link hair coming out with pain.

If it was that the boy ripped out a chunk of hair or several hairs and the hair tug was really painful I would feel differently.

I don't think there is any grievously wrong way to go in the call the teacher versus not. I personally wait for a pattern of 2x or more but that has alot to do with my individual kids and their high comfort level speaking up, my own busy schedule, the amount of programming they are in (they have done so much FT camp etc, are now at two different schools, alot of lessons and programs)--I don't have the time or honestly the inclination to stay on top of every incident unless it is serious or repetitive. I also am mindful of the teacher as a group resource--attention paid to one interaction is attention taking from another activity, learning, or other teacher-student interactions. So, again I try to figure out if it is serious/repetitive as best I can.