How much rejection can 2 parents take?

[barkley1]

**Disclaimer** I couldn't decide whether to put this in the Lounge or BP, so I put it here b/c I do NOT need bashing right now. Last time I posted a similar family issue, i got a bunch of criticism of my stepparenting (assumed) skills, and was basically told I didn't love my children. So, if that's what you think, please refrain from commenting. If you have any helpful advice, I'd love to hear it.


I'm so tired of being the bad guys. I'm so tired of getting rejected by a 15 year old. I'm so tired of seeing my husband hurt b/c his son likes his stepdad more than his own dad :( It's "our" weekend and once again, DSS has made excuse after excuse not to come over here. Happens every time. And the lies. He just lies to us like we're idiots! And disrespect. DSS told me yesterday he would not be coming until today, and that he would text me in the evening (Friday) to let me know when we could pick him up today. So, no text. Until last night at 1:00 a.m. It reads: "pick up at 11. 963 high ridge rd". Ummmm, ok. How about a please? A "will you?" HOW ABOUT NOT AT 1 A.M. WHEN YOU KNOW I'M ASLEEP?!! then, of course, today he finds another excuse not to come over. He's watching a football game at 3:30 with his stepdad. Oh. Ok. Maybe we'll get to see you tomorrow.

I know he's a teenager, but he is honestly the most selfish person i've ever come across!! Even his own mother has said so! Everything is about him, for him , to him, HIM HIM HIM. Who cares who he hurts to get what he wants, as long as his agenda is met. and we are always the bad guys just for being a "normal" family. It's no fun over here. The "babies" (our toddlers) ruin and run everything, according to him. He should talk!! OMG! The night DD had a seizure and we were in the ER until 11:00, he had the nerve to argue incessantly his dad b/c DH wouldn't take him to a friends house to spend the night!! ALL ABOUT HIM!

I get it - his mom and stepdad are very wealthy. They literally have at least 4, maybe 5 times our household income. That's huge. (No we're not slumming it here either, though!) They've already bought him a car of his choosing months before his 16th birthday. He gets a new pr of $100+ Nikes every other month. (Truly, his mother called him a "shoe whore" once and was laughing. I wouldn't ever say that word in front of my kids!! Much less enable them to be one!!!) It just goes on and on.

What hurts the most though, is not his rejection of our lifestyle (toddlers, not wealthy), it is his "adoption" of his stepdad practically as his father. Since his mom got married < 2 yrs ago, he has gone taken up all DSD's hobbies, wanted the exact same car his DSD used to have (and had to get rid of b/c it couldn't hold all the combined household DC), adores his DSD's favorite college team - he must have 20 shirts, hats, phone cases, etc w/ the team name on it, wants to work in the same industry and even company w/ his DSD, wants to go college where DSD went....WHUCK?!

I will just tell you that his real dad (my DH) is a ROCK STAR. He is so good looking, everyone loves him and knows him, he is a star athlete, even got a full ride to college, great at everything he does, and above all is a fabulous, loving, supportive dad. He NEVER took part in all the ex-bashing that his ex did to him, and now, apparently he is paying for it b/c his own son is pretty much disowning him :(

It just hurts to see DH hurt. Ugh. just UGH.

[boolady]

I have a good friend who dealt with exactly what you're talking about,including added overt and subconscious parental alienation by the stepkids' mom. It's hard to believe until you witness it. I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. I really am.

[specialp]

So sorry! That has to be tough. I can’t imagine how heartbroken your DH is.

Do you think him and dad taking a weekend trip just the two of them might help them reconnect? A football game or camping or college campus tour or whatever it is they both may like to do? (Hopefully something that won’t put DSS in contact with a lot of shopping!) Maybe they could plan it out in advance together. I don’t think either of you will have any positive influence over DSS until he and dad can reconnect somehow. It’s just a suggestion as my mother took a “bonding trip” with me when I was 15 a year or so after she got remarried and it did help up reconnect. (She says now she did it because I was so unbearable she thought it would either help … or we’d end up killing each other.) There weren’t little kids so I know that would put a strain on you and I’m sure you don’t feel like giving more to someone who is being selfish.

[Pennylane]

No bashing here, as that sounds like a really crappy situation. Just curious have you and your DH spoken to his mom about this behavior. He is just 15 years old and in my opinion it shouldn't be a choice if he gets to come to your home.

Ann

[westwoodmom04]

No bashing here, as that sounds like a really crappy situation. Just curious have you and your DH spoken to his mom about this behavior. He is just 15 years old and in my opinion it shouldn't be a choice if he gets to come to your home.

Ann


I agree with this, he should not have a choice whether to honor the custody arrangement. If his mom doesn't agree, then you should threaten or if necessary, go to the court. I would try not to obsess too much about his relationship with his stepfather, or how materialistic they are, because there is nothing you can do to change them. Do the best that you can with the time you have with him and make sure that you do get that time.

[barkley1]

Yeah, DH talked to her and she is 100% in support of whatever DSS wants to do. Why wouldn't she be? It's a "win" for her! Just a continuation of the past 10 yrs of trying to hurt her ex after the divorce. Doesn't matter that its not in DSS best interest not to see his dad...she has fought tooth and nail against every.single. Hour of time that DH gets. Yep, we were told, by her and DSS, that we would be taken to court to change the custody arrangement if we didnt let DSS come and go as he pleases. It's a losing situation for us bc 1). They have unlimited finances, 2). He's almost 16, a judge would probably side w him anyway, 3). Making him spend time with us against his will is only going to make him hate us more :(

[amandabea]

I'm sorry. This really just sucks. Your DSS sounds very selfish. I know he is a kid and has no idea of how his actions are hurting his father. He probably won't realize for many years to come. Your poor DH.

[petesgirl]

My uncle is going through this right now. His daughter just got married and didn't want him to walk her down the aisle. She even had her mom's boyfriend speak at the wedding and her real dad ( my uncle) was given no part whatsoever in the ceremony.

[elliput]

That sounds like a completely heartbreaking situation for both of you. :hug: Keep up the good fight, you will be happier with yourselves in the end.

[HannaAddict]

No bashing here, as that sounds like a really crappy situation. Just curious have you and your DH spoken to his mom about this behavior. He is just 15 years old and in my opinion it shouldn't be a choice if he gets to come to your home.

Ann

At fifteen it generally is a choice if it ever went to court in our state. I know I was starting to decide by that age, and often didn't want to leave my regular house, routine and friends. I had a wealthy dad to visit, and dirt poor mom i lived with. so it had zero to do with stuff. It was that I babysat, at 16 had a boyfriend, and had friends and it wasn't that fun to be a "guest" at my dad's house, even though we went to the best restaurants, he had an amazing view, pool, BMW etc. I would try and remember he's a teen and this is not a competition. It just isn't. I think all the stuff and financial disparity makes a far bigger impression on you versus the teen, if that makes sense. I wouldn't expect a teen to want to leave his house and go hang with toddlers for the weekend, even if it is a chance to see his dad. Teens are totally selfish little orbs, it is magnified when you don't see them every day and they are t cooperating. I totally get maintaining the relationship, maybe your husband can pick him up from an activity during the week and they have dinner together? Or have breakfast on the weekend and then the teenager knows he's always welcome to stay over . . . Just let him come to you so to speak and get some one on one dad time. Just ideas. It sounds hard, I am sorry.

[SnuggleBuggles]

That sounds really hard. I totally take HannaAddict's POV on this. Teens are hard creatures to deal with and I'd just write a lot of to age. Keep trying and when he's older, he will get it and come around.

[twowhat?]

At fifteen it generally is a choice if it ever went to court in our state. I know I was starting to decide by that age, and often didn't want to leave my regular house, routine and friends. I had a wealthy dad to visit, and dirt poor mom i lived with. so it had zero to do with stuff. It was that I babysat, at 16 had a boyfriend, and had friends and it wasn't that fun to be a "guest" at my dad's house, even though we went to the best restaurants, he had an amazing view, pool, BMW etc. I would try and remember he's a teen and this is not a competition. It just isn't. I think all the stuff and financial disparity makes a far bigger impression on you versus the teen, if that makes sense. I wouldn't expect a teen to want to leave his house and go hang with toddlers for the weekend, even if it is a chance to see his dad. Teens are totally selfish little orbs, it is magnified when you don't see them every day and they are t cooperating. I totally get maintaining the relationship, maybe your husband can pick him up from an activity during the week and they have dinner together? Or have breakfast on the weekend and then the teenager knows he's always welcome to stay over . . . Just let him come to you so to speak and get some one on one dad time. Just ideas. It sounds hard, I am sorry.

Yeah, I think there's not a whole lot you can do...I'd maybe try the above. Make them just Dad and teen outtings - ballgame, movie, a meal, etc. As a teen I would of course choose the house close to all my friends and regular routine over a house with the chaos of toddlers, but making shorter "just to catch up" types of outtings without the expectation that he stay the weekend might help. How is your DH's relationship with the mom? Could he talk to her about suggesting things that DDS could do with your DH? Though it sounds like with the custody battle that isn't the case:(

It most definitely is a sucky situation:(

[barkley1]

I think the dad/son dates are a good idea. I will add that we live 10 minutes from DSS's mom....visiting his dad doesn't interfere in any way whatsoever with his social life. Talking to the mom would be fruitless; she has proven many times over the years that she does NOT have DC's best interests in mind when dealing with her ex, DH.

[HannaAddict]

I think the dad/son dates are a good idea. I will add that we live 10 minutes from DSS's mom....visiting his dad doesn't interfere in any way whatsoever with his social life. Talking to the mom would be fruitless; she has proven many times over the years that she does NOT have DC's best interests in mind when dealing with her ex, DH.

We didn't live far either, but as a teenager it is just different to be at the non-custodial parent's house and as a teen it was not appealing, even without a different family to blend with. I did like just seeing my dad and having dinner or lunch. I don't think this is unusual at all. My husband's partner went through a divorce a few years ago with teens. His home has been in Luxe and other other magazines, he flies private for travel, pays for the daughters warm blood show horses etc. The mom moved back to their earlier nice but not magazine worthy house just a few minutes away. He was very hurt that his daughter especially didn't want to spend weekends at the house with him. He went to therapy with her, it didn't change anything, she was a teen. But she is in college now and they have a great relationship, she stayed primarily with him and his new wife for the summer after freshman year. He had to back off his needs, it was hard. They did many dad/daughter dinners and he really blocked out that time. But he couldn't make her want to stay. Divorce is hard all the way around. Don't take it too personally, it just happens. Hang in there!

[KLD313]

Sometimes we hurt the ones we're closest to because we know they'll always be there. It sounds like he's working really hard to make his stepdad like him. Is this possible? I mean maybe it's not a reflection on how he feels about his dad?

I also agree with HannaAddict.

[citymama]

This sounds heartbreaking. I'm sorry you and your DH are going thru this. I will say that 21 is a lot different than 15, and as long as you don't do anything crazy now (like tell him he should just stay at his mom's if he loves it so much) he will want to be with his real dad more and more as he grows older. 15 year olds are fickle and self centered by their very nature. The allure of bling and cars is like dangling unlimited candy before a 5 year old. Hang in there!


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[TwinFoxes]

At fifteen it generally is a choice if it ever went to court in our state. I know I was starting to decide by that age, and often didn't want to leave my regular house, routine and friends. I had a wealthy dad to visit, and dirt poor mom i lived with. so it had zero to do with stuff. It was that I babysat, at 16 had a boyfriend, and had friends and it wasn't that fun to be a "guest" at my dad's house, even though we went to the best restaurants, he had an amazing view, pool, BMW etc. I would try and remember he's a teen and this is not a competition. It just isn't. I think all the stuff and financial disparity makes a far bigger impression on you versus the teen, if that makes sense. I wouldn't expect a teen to want to leave his house and go hang with toddlers for the weekend, even if it is a chance to see his dad. Teens are totally selfish little orbs, it is magnified when you don't see them every day and they are t cooperating. I totally get maintaining the relationship, maybe your husband can pick him up from an activity during the week and they have dinner together? Or have breakfast on the weekend and then the teenager knows he's always welcome to stay over . . . Just let him come to you so to speak and get some one on one dad time. Just ideas. It sounds hard, I am sorry.

I think this is good advice.

[catsnkid]

I feel bad. I'm sort of on the other side and actually feel bad for my Ex-H as DS has developed a much closer relationship with SO, but it is more of a "buddy" relationship, but part of it is just exh.