Big Ole Fat Pity party...

[BabbyO]

...because if I don't get it out here I may just spontaneously combust.

I'm on the verge of losing it because:
-I HATE my job. I was going to quit it with DH's blessings, but it was clear after we discussed and agreed upon it that my life would become a living h3ll if I actually did because DH really isn't on board despite what he says.
-I HATE thatI have 2 hrs of commute time that takes away from my kids, husband, and me time
-I HATE that I have constant mommy guilt for not seeing my kids
-I HATE that I was stupid and stubborn and insisted on completing my engineering degree even though I was pretty sure it wasn't really what I wanted to do.
-I HATE that I didn't think to figure out what the heck I really wanted to do before I sunk 6 yrs into college, and now 10+ years into a career that is still at an entry level position
-I HATE that my sitters know my kids better than I do
-I HATE that I can't volunteer at school (and I didn't get a picture of Stachio on his first bus ride today, which he was SUPER excited for)
-I HATE that I don't want to take any time for myself because it: (a) I get so little time with the kids (b) it causes me more stress because I come home to a wreck of a house and bickering children/DH
-I HATE that I feel so incompetent in all areas of my life
-I HATE that I have some great ideas about what I'd like to do for a career, but I can't get away from the obligation that my salary and insurance have created to pursue them
-I HATE that I feel so stuck and helpless to make the changes I know I need to because of the burden it would put on my family
-I HATE that I HATE so much because I have become a negative, complaining, short tempered, whining b!tch
-I HATE that I'm yelling at the kids nearly daily
-I HATE that I don't care so I'm eating crap all the time, not exercising, and barely taking care of myself (I know what the effects of this will be and I feel powerless to stop)
-I HATE that I battle stupid thoughts like "If I got into a car accident bad enough could I get out of work, but not totally destroy my family." I guess the good thing is that I always conclude I'll be ruining their lives if anything happens to me. Not sure that that is healthy, but it is healthier than full on depression I guess.
-I HATE that I'm failing my DH...as a wife

Ok...pity party over.

[123LuckyMom]

I'm soooooo sorry! I couldn't read and not post. Hugs, hugs, hugs to you!!!

[Mali]

I'm sorry. :(

[rin]

I'm so sorry. I hope an awesome job opportunity falls out of the sky!!!

I know this is the BP, but is there any way you can take an even unpaid leave of absence from your job? There's no gold star at the end of life for the person who was the most miserable . . .

[BabbyO]

I'm so sorry. I hope an awesome job opportunity falls out of the sky!!!

I know this is the BP, but is there any way you can take an even unpaid leave of absence from your job? There's no gold star at the end of life for the person who was the most miserable . . .

Hmmm...I'm not sure if I could...perhaps if it were tied to FMLA somehow...or if I were one of the guys. I could look into it! Your gold star comment made me smile...thank you! :)

[boltfam]

I'm sorry. :hug:

[wencit]

I'm so, so, so sorry. :hug: I hope you can somehow find a way to turn things around for you.

[BunnyBee]

I'm sorry. I know this is the BP, but you sound like you're suffering from depression. I bet it's mostly situational, and treating it would take time which seems counter-intuitive to the solution, but... I hope you find a great job opportunity close to home with better hours! :hug:

[hellokitty]

I'm sorry. I have been following your story for a while and can tell that this job is just eating away at your life. I hope that you get some sort of answer soon on what the next step should be. Is there any chance that you can at least go part time (if you aren't already)? It's kind of a compromise btwn FT and being a SAHM, if your dh isn't all the way on board. As for your career choice regret, I totally get you there. Wishing that I would have picked something else, and now contemplating trying to figure out how to make it work when I return to work or else just abandoning my field all together and educating for another field. It is rough. Hang in there, I just hope that something is in the works for you, since it just sounds like you can't hold on much longer.

[BabbyO]

I'm sorry. I have been following your story for a while and can tell that this job is just eating away at your life. I hope that you get some sort of answer soon on what the next step should be. Is there any chance that you can at least go part time (if you aren't already)? It's kind of a compromise btwn FT and being a SAHM, if your dh isn't all the way on board. As for your career choice regret, I totally get you there. Wishing that I would have picked something else, and now contemplating trying to figure out how to make it work when I return to work or else just abandoning my field all together and educating for another field. It is rough. Hang in there, I just hope that something is in the works for you, since it just sounds like you can't hold on much longer.

I've asked about part-time, but been told (by work) it is FT or nothing. It seems in our area there isn't a lot of PT professional type work available except maybe Administrative Assistant type work. Which I would totally do, but I can't get anyone to call me back. I'm in the bad position of being over-educated for the PT jobs, and educated in the wrong area for FT jobs closer to home. I tried to get DH to let me do something like night-time cleaning PT. It isn't much, but it would bring in some $$, interfere little with his schedule, and allow me to watch the kids during the day (eliminating daycare costs). He doesn't want me to do it because it is demeaning and ultimately he wants me working FT making similar earnings to what I do now...so he doesn't want to give up our DC situation because if we left our sitter, she'd have to fill our kids' spots and we'd have to find new daycare.

[StantonHyde]

That really stinks. Any chance you can see a counselor? I would need to--to sort out all of my complex emotions and put together a plan. That's too much to take on by yourself, IMO. Hugs!!!

[dogmom]

I'm sorry, can you show him this post?

[♥ms.pacman♥]

i am so sorry. i was going to ask about your quitting your job thing when you posted in that thread about not getting to see your kids.... i am sorry it hasn't worked out, i was so excited for you when you posted that, as it sounds like you've been miserable for long enough :( it must be so hard.

sending you hopes that something pops up closer to home!

[BabbyO]

I'm sorry, can you show him this post?

Yes, I could, but I'm pretty sure it will have the same effect as when I spoke to him about all of this a few weeks ago and he agreed I need to quit.

We planned for me to quit 1 week after we made the decision. That was postponed because I found out about an internal opening that would address many of the concerns. Once I got word that the internal opening was no longer available, he admitted that he wasn't sure about me quitting.

He was totally a bear to deal with and all depressed and moody because he "couldn't provide for his family well enough to let me stay home"....he was no longer happy in his job and needed to find something new....is in a dead end position...

Basically all the things I'm battling.

[BabbyO]

i am so sorry. i was going to ask about your quitting your job thing when you posted in that thread about not getting to see your kids.... i am sorry it hasn't worked out, i was so excited for you when you posted that, as it sounds like you've been miserable for long enough :( it must be so hard.

sending you hopes that something pops up closer to home!

Quitting got postponed because of an internal opening that would have reduced my stress a lot...and is 30 min closer to home, working with completely different people. It really had potential - plus wouldn't have affected my benefits, or pay. Unfortunately, for various reasons I was not able to be considered for the position. Once we learned the position was no longer available...it was clear DH wasn't on board with me quitting. At least not without a lot of stipulations about what I needed to find to replace this job, etc, which I don't see as being the answer, nor do I see it being very likely that I'll find something closer to home. So basically, I'd just be swapping for a new set of headaches. I've been looking for work closer to home all year, but stepped up my game this summer. I had a very promising opportunity that fell through last minute.

[BabbyO]

Thanks for all the hugs and P&PT's. It will all work out...I have to believe that. I'm just in a really hard place right now and it is probably partially the fall out from realizing that I have to stick this out a little longer.

My resolution for tomorrow. I will find something good to post about to counteract my pity party.

Thanks to everyone for being the support I need sometimes. I don't have a lot of IRL mom friends that I get to talk to regularly so I appreciate the community more than you know!

[wellyes]

Oh I'm so sorry.
My husband is not thrilled that I am a SAHM. At all. If I wanted to get a job tomorrow he'd be helping interview daycares etc. But it's my life and he supports my choice (grudgingly at first, moreso over time). And he respects that I made it. I would not hinge my whole life on someone else's opinion, because honestly, would your husband put all the weight of a similar decision on your feelings? I think that just leads to resentment in a marriage, and that can't be good for your family.

I don't want to add to your burden, just wanted to share my experience.

I'm really sorry the better job didn't happen, that sucks. It's not just a job, it's a whole different life that you imagined for yourself. BTDT and there is definitely a grieving period.

[lmh2402]

hugs. big, huge hugs. if this was your child feeling this way, wouldn't it be so very clear to you how amazing and selfless they are - how much they clearly love their family (kids and spouse) and are trying their best to figure it all out.

you're being so hard on yourself. more hugs. you're an amazing woman, mom & wife.

[Indianamom2]

I'm so sorry. I come at this from being the SAHM of a DH who was in your position not so long ago (he was an attorney with a large firm). Even without the long commute you have, he was absolutely miserable. He stayed in that position for 12 years....and he was depressed, as (and I say this a gently and understanding as I can) I think you are.

The first course of action, if you cannot immediately quit/replace your job, would be to find some help for the depression. That alone will help you see things more clearly and handle the stress from your job/family better. (And I think your stressors are absolutely reasonable...you aren't crazy for feeling this way at all.) Then maybe you can focus on finding a solution to the job problem.

I am happy to report (and hopefully this will give you some hope) that Dh found a perfect opening (except it pays a lot less....but we're doing ok). He is now a year and a half into his new job and is so very much happier and home so much more. So there is hope, but it may take a little while longer than you want. :hug:

[barkley1]

I've asked about part-time, but been told (by work) it is FT or nothing. It seems in our area there isn't a lot of PT professional type work available except maybe Administrative Assistant type work. Which I would totally do, but I can't get anyone to call me back. I'm in the bad position of being over-educated for the PT jobs, and educated in the wrong area for FT jobs closer to home. I tried to get DH to let me do something like night-time cleaning PT. It isn't much, but it would bring in some $$, interfere little with his schedule, and allow me to watch the kids during the day (eliminating daycare costs). He doesn't want me to do it because it is demeaning and ultimately he wants me working FT making similar earnings to what I do now...so he doesn't want to give up our DC situation because if we left our sitter, she'd have to fill our kids' spots and we'd have to find new daycare.

I'm so sorry you are so stuck. I totally understand a LOT of what you're saying. I, too, spent 5 yrs pursuing an engineering degree that I hated before I even graduated. Then I spent 10+ years in a job that I hated but fit my degree. Oh, how I wished I would have more seriously considered ME when choosing a major, vs income and stability. I've also asked about PT work, and it's either all or nothing :(. I've also interviewed for perfectly PT good jobs that I would have rocked, but didnt get bc I was overqualified. So, I get it. And I'm so sorry. Is there anything you can do to change your situation? Move closer to work? Downsize? DH start a job search, too? Start a plan to save enough for you to quit? We did this when DH didn't make enough to cover our expenses...we just supplemented with our pot we had saved. The plan was either he would find a higher paying job before it was gone, or I would go back to work.

[oneplustwo]

I think ~ no, I KNOW ~ you need a few more hugs, so here they are.

:hug5::hug5::hug5:

You're right, this will get better. Somehow, sometime, in some fashion or another. Your DH may have a lot of misgivings about you leaving your job and may not support it right now, but give it time and hopefully he will come around and see how this is something that you ALL need for the health, happiness and sanity of your whole family. I am so sorry you are dealing with all this!

[Radswd]

First of all :hug: like pp I think you may be depressed. I suggest definitely checking into your FMLA policy. If you have benefits available, consider talking to your MD who may very well complete such paperwork for you. Good luck :)

[KpbS]

I hope your DH will get back on board and you can quit. Sending big hugs to you! :grouphug:

[mommyp]

Just many :hug::hug: for you.
I will be keeping my fingers crossed that something great opens up close to home!

[Philly Mom]

Lots of hugs. Take care of yourself as best as you can. Have you asked your current employer if you can work from home one or two days a week recently? Even if they said no once, maybe they would be willing to change their mind if they knew how miserable you were.