OMG, i could scream

[♥ms.pacman♥]

DH's travel just keeps getting more and more insane. :( this is the 3rd week in a row he's been gone. DH just emailed me with updates (which keep changing) Good news - he is coming home tonight (had been scheduled to come home tomorrow). BUT, the bad news...which is rotten news...they want him to be gone an additional TWO WEEKS of travel. Because of the f**king government shutdown, they didn't get to test all the things they needed to, as testing sites were shutdown, lots of stuff was delayed, etc. He had been scheduled to travel 4 weeks total, but now bc of this, he will be gone SIX weeks in a row. Including Halloween. :(

I know this is rather petty in comparison to things relating to the govt shutdown (e.g. people not getting their paychecks). but i am just so, so exhausted and frustrated. :gloomy: What bothers me most is how unfair it is for me, and for the kids. It is harder for me to get MY work done. I hate how bc of the travel, my job automatically becomes 2nd to his..i'm busy at work too, but i can't work any extra hours at all because of this. I hate to deal with kids who are acting out more and more because they miss their Daddy so much :( I hate not having any family here to commiserate or help at all. I hate how his job assumes that he can travel 6 weeks in a row , just like that..don't these other people have families?? I hate how even with help in the evenings, i get only 6 hrs of sleep every night bc there is still so much to be done every night. I hate how every day is like a freaking triathlon - the first leg, getting kids ready in the morning. then work, then getting home, feeding kids dinner, bedtime etc and at the end i feel like i've done a crappy job at them all.

On top of that, i'm sick with a cold now, and kids are not feeling the best either.

[rin]

:hug:

I am so sorry you're dealing with so much travel! My DH travels one week out of each month, and I'm always exhausted by the time he gets home (and I'm not working full-time right now, more like 25ish hours a week). I know from other threads that you've mentioned he's looking for non-travel jobs; I hope something comes through sooner rather than later.

[mommylamb]

I'm so sorry. I would be livid too. It is so difficult to get everything accomplished when you both WOH, and to add travel on top of that is a nightmare.

[elektra]

That sounds so daunting. I get so overwhelmed why my DH travels. It has been a crazy few weeks for us, first with me traveling for a week, then DH traveling for a week out of the country, then once again this week. I do not know what I would do without my dad, since now that the kids are in daycare and we don't have a nanny, he has helped fill the gaps. But in your case, I know that it is all on you to make things work.
But, ok gently now.... I think you could be so much happier if you can try and change your outlook on it a bit. Otherwise you might just go insane. Your outlook or attitude is the only thing you can control in this situation unless your DH gets a new job (I think that was on the horizon right?? Or is this the new one?) or you can get additional sitter help. I know this is what my DH does. He just does not seem as phased when I am gone. He cuts some corners and makes some mistakes (a major one on my last trip but that is besides the point!) but he does not get as overwhelmed. It kind of pisses me off TBH but I do think we could take a page from his book.
It would also probably piss me off to read that advice so feel free to ignore it or whatever. I really do feel for you though because I have had glimpses of that stress and I can't imagine having to deal with it for 6 weeks straight. You need to find some zen somehow.

[wellyes]

Six weeks is really really tough. Four week is really really tough! I'm sorry.

[carolinacool]

It is harder for me to get MY work done. I hate how bc of the travel, my job automatically becomes 2nd to his..i'm busy at work too, but i can't work any extra hours at all because of this.

I so get this. My husband doesn't travel, but he works nights. I just started this job in April and have had to turn down a couple of opportunities for travel because there is no one to watch DS in the evenings (we don't live near family, either). It doesn't leave the best impression around here, but hiring help for that amount of time would be silly, too.

DH does try to come home for dinner most nights, but when he doesn't, it makes for a long evening. And you have it x 2. I'm so sorry.

[wencit]

I hear your stress coming through loud and clear every time you talk about your situation. I'm so sorry. I hope your husband can find a better job with less travel and less insane hours soon!

:hug:

[Pennylane]

Wow, that is a lot! My DH travels every week, but is always home on weekends. I can't imagine him being gone for 6 straight weeks and I don't even work!

Hope it all goes smoothly. Hang in there!!

Ann

[KpbS]

I'm sorry! Having a spouse travel is so hard. It is simply exhausting in every way. I think that I have gotten better at it (over time) and as the kids get older it gets incrementally easier. Hang in there! Sending huge hugs!! :grouphug:

[♥ms.pacman♥]

thanks everyone. dh actually does come home for part of the weekend (e.g. comes home Saturday morning and leaves Sunday afternoon). but it is SO not enough, during the time we're scrambling to do errands, i'm trying to get a workout in, and then it's over.

and i was wrong earlier, he needs to be gone an additional THREE weeks now. Argh. he is going to try to get out a day early the week of halloween so he can go trick or treating with the kids. But d*mn, this sucks. I hate how his field is not family-friendly at all. Luckily he does plan on quitting as soon as this project gets wrapped up.

i talked to the teacher who is helping us out with babysitting during this time (she picks up the kids at 4pm, takes them home, stays with them until i get home around 6:15 or 6:30, so i'm not rushing out the door every day at 5). she says she is available to help those additional weeks if need so that is good. but still, it is so hard. the kids still miss their daddy. they need their daddy every evening to jump on , roughhouse/wrestle with him, get their energy out, be very silly with. i can tell that without that they tend to act out more. it's hard on me too, as it makes it so isolating.

i don't know. while DH's travel is hard now in some ways i think it's easier than when i was SAHM. if i have a bad headache and/or i'm sick, it really is so much easier to deal with at work (i've been working for almost a year and while i've gotten sick plenty, never sick enough to take a sick day). whereas when i was a SAHM and i would get sick, it would be like the whole day i'd be downright miserable, bc having a migraine or being sick and having to take care of little ones, i think is one of most cruel form of torture known to human kind. There was one time couple years ago when DH was gone 7 weeks in a row (only home on weekends) when i was a SAHM, and DD was only a few months old, and DS was like ~18 months. And this was BEFORE i found my mom's playgroup, so I had NO ONE to talk to all day (well, okay maybe the sitter who came by a couple times a week, but i usually used that time to do errands, or go to my dr appointments). I remember going to the grocery store and hearing the clerk say hi and make small talk and thinking how odd it was to hear a fully-formed sentence by an adult in real life, as i would go days without hearing one. OMG, I don't know I made it through without snapping. it was awful. i am thankful that now the kids are older so it is easier to take care of them..but then the downside is that they're old enough to really notice that Daddy's gone and be bothered by it.

[crayonblue]

I TOTALLY understand. DH has been gone for 2 weeks and gets home tonight. My three year old has started calling other men "daddy". That is sooooooo not good. But, what can we do? DH has a great job that he loves and can work from home a lot but has to travel too.

I cannot ever complain about this IRL because many of my friends here are military. My few weeks at a time are stupid compared to their 9 month, a year or 18 month deployments.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I cannot ever complain about this IRL because many of my friends here are military. My few weeks at a time are stupid compared to their 9 month, a year or 18 month deployments.

yes, i feel bad about this too. DH works with a lot of military folks so that is why i think they don't really bat an eye at people needing to travel for weeks at a time. i have a friend whose DH was gone for over a year in Afghanistan. I cannot imagine. i feel lame complaining about it too bc i have a number of friends back home who are have gotten divorced and are now single moms..many of them with 2 kids. Every week that DH is gone and i feel just so exhausted i keep wondering to myself "how do single moms/military spouses do it?" bc I have NO idea.

[twowhat?]

No!!!! I'm sorry:(

[kerridean]

We are active duty Army, so around here DWs are dealing with year long deployments. I am NOT trying to minimize your situation just stating that in my life, having a husband home is not the norm. Over the summer, my husband was the only one who was not deployed on our cul-de-sac. Many of us work. You just learn to deal. Of course, none of us can afford any kind of out side help as military pay is not high. We use after school care or day care.

My tips for when my DH was deployed:
-cereal and fruit for dinner once a week
-FORCE kids to learn to play independently if they are not already. Use this time to unwind
-Out to dinner once a week somewhere with a play area
-Saturdays-take kids to play area where you do not need to interact too much-unwind
-Cut all unnecessary extracurricular activities. Start up again when deployment/travel is over
-

Realize you are much more independent and capable of taking care of your children alone than you realize. When your spouse is deployed you are forced to rely on you alone for everything (spotty communication). My advice is just to not worry about your husband not helping/being gone. Just forget about it and soldier on. Getting upset/bitter does no good. Does that make any sense? When he is around, enjoy his help, otherwise you are capable of doing this on your own.

You may find it helpful to google "tips for deployed spouses" or "tips for getting through a deployment". In some ways, you are dealing with the same issues just not for 12 months straight:)

[egoldber]

Oh that really stinks!!!!

[hillview]

I am sorry I get it. My job is #2 here too. HUGS.

[boolady]

Sorry, OP. I don't have to deal with this, but one of my BFs husband is a police officer, and he's six weeks days, six weeks nights. So 1/2 the time he's around, 1/2 the time he is really only home, other than sleeping to go back to another 12-hour shift, when my friend and their kids are at school. She'll finally get into a groove where their routine doesn't have him in it, in any way, and then his shift will switch back. Over, and over, and over again. It sounds like for you, and your kids, it's a similar problem. If DH was gone for months or even longer, at least you'd all get something of a routine and a set of expectations for his absence. I'm not saying that is easy for anyone, by any stretch of the imagination. But I can see how having him around, then not, then not knowing how long he'll be gone, or how long he'll be back, can take a real toll.

[Philly Mom]

Travel does suck and somehow my career is number 2 often, which finanicially for us does not make much sense. DH and I just had this conversation actually because we are about to have DD2. DH does more around the house than I do but I am the primary parent responsible for all drop offs/pick ups, arranging babysitters when we both have to work, rearranging my schedule when he has to travel on short notice. It means I am not doing the business generation that I should be doing. From your situation, I think the hardest part is that your DH does not get home until Sat and then leaves on Sun. Even getting home on Friday would make things easier. My DH travels 14 weeks a year but compared to his old job, this job is SO much more family friendly other than the pesky travel that is not set in stone until the last moment. I have been told that I have a serene personality so I am pretty good about not letting it get to me, but I have found getting a sitter to put DD to bed every once and a while, and going to a MNO or even a work meeting helps. It allows me to think that I am putting myself first. Both my neighbor and very close friend also have DHs who travel a lot (more than my DH). One travels every week, all week. Both of them regularly get sitters (once a week) to go to the gym or yoga. They both SAH and have school aged children but find having the sitter makes a world of difference in their weeks.

[marymoo86]

Sorry OP! Truly sucks for this to be unplanned which I think is the major difference.

[echoesofspring]

Oh, Ms Pacman, I feel your pain. And it's hard, even when you rationally know to count your blessings that it's only 6 weeks, and you're not single or married to someone whose deployed, etc. My DH was traveling a lot the last 2 years (he's been gone since Tuesday), 4-10 days a month. I told him weekdays were easier than weekends b/c I could get an escape via work. And I only work PT in an extremely flexible timewise environment, I can't imagine also having to deal a the commitments of a FT job, even if it is a break from the kids. The feelings of isolation are totally valid - I finally had to quit my exclusively telecommuting/extremely isolating job when I realized the only social interaction I was getting was at the grocery store and that I had some real issues/depression going on. It got better once I had some mommy friends, but even today I was feeling bitchy/sorry for myself b/c it's a gorgeous day and I'd love for us to go as a family to the beach, but DS is just a runner right now I'm not sure I want to deal with it by myself and wearing DD. I think you've been doing great figuring out solutions for your family, getting extra help from the day care teacher, etc. - hang in there!

[♥ms.pacman♥]

But I can see how having him around, then not, then not knowing how long he'll be gone, or how long he'll be back, can take a real toll.
i think you hit the nail on the head. it is so unpredictable, so it makes it hard to plan things to get things in place, and to hire help. and it just takes a psychological toll. once there was a time when DH was gone and then he texted me telling me he was coming home (it was a Wednesday night) because whatever testing site was shut down and they told everyone to go home. he got home after midnight when i was sleeping. then when i woke up, he was gone...turns out he had left at 4am to try to get his luggage that the airline and lost, and while there, he had been talking to other people from work and it turns out since they weren't testing they wanted him to show up at a meeting (in another city). so he was gone, just like that...he was only home for like 3 hours. seriously, that is the kind of carp that he (we) deal with.

also, another huge thing is i don't have a typical 9-5 job where i can leave at 5:00 or at the same time everyday. there are periods of time (like right now till the end of the year) where it can get very demanding, and requires me to stay later. i am in engineering, a very male-dominated field, and it is different from many jobs that have a set end-time. many people who have children have SAH wives or wives who work PT, who handle the bulk of the household stuff, so it's hard for most to grasp the notion of someone doing this job PLUS being 100% responsible for the kids and household duties (cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, etc). With DH gone for so long I feel like i am working two full-time jobs, and i don't think most people understand that.

DH typically only works one week, maybe two weeks a month OOT. so for that week i am always able to suck it up and deal on my own without help. But for 4, now 7 weeks in a row, during a busy time at work, there is just no other way around it..i cannot leave early every single day for a month. SO we hired somone to pick up the kids so i can stay at work until a decent time.

The unpredictability of it all is what really kills us. It makes it hard to plan ahead (meals, etc) and hard to hire help. Plus, the kids have been SUPER whiny bc they miss their Dad. I am thankful that the teacher we have hired to help is totally available.

[MSWR0319]

DH has had a very similar schedule, except the last two weeks he was out of the country so he didn't even come over for the weekend. It sucks big time. I hope his travel schedule lightens soon!