It's either write this or start wringing necks.

[anonomom]

OMFG I am FUMING!!! I sent DDs up to clean their room 1.5 hours ago. They each had a chore to start with (DD1, you put stuffed animals away, DD2 put books on shelves, etc.) and there's a detailed list posted on their wall on how to clean up. 15 minutes in, they woke DS up from nap by banging on the wall. 30 minutes in, they were screaming and playing but hadn't started cleaning yet. 45 minutes in, they asked if they could take a break. I told them they could as long as they were almost done. 1 hour in, told them to finish up. 20 minutes later, I called DD down to do her homework and went up to see how things were.

THEY DIDN'T CLEAN ANYTHING. Instead, they took every darned toy they own OUT and threw them on the floor!!!!!!!!!

Right after my head exploded, I confiscated all of their prized possessions. But I am absolutely boiling right now. I didn't expect them to do perfect work unsupervised, but i sure as hell expected some effort. And I'm absolutely sick that I am raising such entitled, lazy, spoiled little people who won't even do the most basic work to care for their home. I think we need a serious overhaul of our attitudes around here.

[TwinFoxes]

I would be really upset too.

[crl]

I know just how you feel. That's when I feel like getting out the trash bags and cleaning the room by throwing everything away.

Catherine

[edurnemk]

Oh I so get you... After trying EVERYTHING, I realized the only thing that worked with him was my mother's violent method: "I'm coming up in 15 minutes with a trash bag and EVERYTHING that's on the floor is going in the trash/will be donated." and follow through, no.matter.what. As soon as they see you with the bag they start screaming and crying, and PICKING STUFF UP like maniacs, to keep you from tossing it in the bag (I puprosely go slowly). There was a LOT of drama the first time, but after that I only need to mention the trash bag and DS starts cleaning up at light speed, LOL. I hate having to threaten him, though, I just can't figure out how they get them to clean up at his Montessori school without threats, LOL. Getting him to clean up is so exhausting, he makes more of a mess when he's supposed to clean up. I feel like donating 80% of his toys, just so he has less stuff to strew around the floor. Oh and the legos, dear Lord, the legos....I hate those things, and everyone gives him legos. I have spent countless hours of my life organizing the dang legos, and 3 days later it's all chaos again.

I'm already freaking out since Christmas and his birthday are coming and I just think "OMG more crap is coming into this house! no!"

[anonomom]

I have done the trash bag trick. I have donated toys. I have screamed. I have yelled. I have sat there with them and gone over every step in the process. Nothing helps.

What kills me is that, especially in their room, they never actually play with 99% of what's there. They just seem to find joy in dumping everything on the floor. And yet they act like each and every tiny barbie shoe is a precious treasure once I mention getting rid of it. It drives me up the wall.

They're actually moving to their own rooms next week, and most of what's up there is not moving. It's going out. I'm done with this routine.

[elektra]

That kind of thing drives me nuts too. I actually just finished the chapter this afternoon in "Scream-Free Parenting" and the author advises that you let their kids have their "room" which can literally translate to letting them keep their room as a complete sty if they choose to do so. I don't get it. The theory (as I understand it) is that they will eventually want to start cleaning it on their own with their new found freedom. We shall see. That is if I don't completely flip my lid first.

[edurnemk]

Some days I opt to just close the door to his room and ignore it like Elektra says, but eventually we need to vacuum, make his bed, etc. But I also think it's an indication that he has too much stuff, I purge when he's not around, otherwise he won't let me donate more than a couple if toys because he "loves" every piece of crap he didn't even remember having until I unearthed it. I just leave a few for him to voluntarily choose for donation, since I think it's an important lesson.

The last 3 weekends MIL has given him new toys, just because...argh! I want to wring her neck as well. I actually made him give me 3 toys to donate before I allowed thise new ones in the house, it's my new policy: for each new toy, you donate one, OR leave it at grandma's. But I also hate that he's developing a sense of entitlement because of the endless stream of gifts from both sets of grandparents (though MIL is the worst offender).

[mikeys_mom]

BTDT and it makes me so upset when they make an even bigger mess. Here it's mainly the basement that's an issue. I send them down to clean, each with a specific task and when I come back, they have not only not cleaned but started some new "game" with a whole new bunch of toys. I love that they have the space but I hate that they can't keep it tidy. Sometimes weeks can go by and our basement looks like a disaster zone because I refuse to clean up and they don't care.

I pull out the broom when they are not making an effort to clean or when they start arguing about who made the bigger mess and I just start sweeping everything to the middle of the room in preparation for dumping in the garbage. They totally freak out, start screaming and crying but eventually do clean up. DH jokes that our kids are going to have a fear or brooms because of it.

I regularly purge tons of their stuff when they are out of the house. Like literally garbage bags full of junk and broken toys as well as stuff they have outgrown. They rarely ask about it. Out of sight, out of mind.

[Philly Mom]

That kind of thing drives me nuts too. I actually just finished the chapter this afternoon in "Scream-Free Parenting" and the author advises that you let their kids have their "room" which can literally translate to letting them keep their room as a complete sty if they choose to do so. I don't get it. The theory (as I understand it) is that they will eventually want to start cleaning it on their own with their new found freedom. We shall see. That is if I don't completely flip my lid first.

This was my parents' attitude. It took meeting my husband for me to become neat. The first thing my brothers said to DH, "you do realize she is a slob". He already knew by that point. Somehow DH did not run and he is anal about neatness. Now I am too.

Eta: you probably don't want to wait until your DC are in their 20s.


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[Sweetsunshine]

[QUOTE=anonomom;3890904
What kills me is that, especially in their room, they never actually play with 99% of what's there. They just seem to find joy in dumping everything on the floor. And yet they act like each and every tiny barbie shoe is a precious treasure once I mention getting rid of it. It drives me up the wall.[/QUOTE]

My DDs do this too! And the collections of beach rocks, shells, pretty feathers (yuck!), shiny pennies, etc....is enough to send me over the edge. These "treasures" eventually find their way out of the house. I do the trash bag thing when I'm at my wit's end and it works like a charm! :bag

[ett]

That kind of thing drives me nuts too. I actually just finished the chapter this afternoon in "Scream-Free Parenting" and the author advises that you let their kids have their "room" which can literally translate to letting them keep their room as a complete sty if they choose to do so. I don't get it. The theory (as I understand it) is that they will eventually want to start cleaning it on their own with their new found freedom. We shall see. That is if I don't completely flip my lid first.

I tried to do this with DS1 but eventually I just ended up cleaning it up myself as I do have to go into his room to get stuff and at some point I just can't deal with walking over everything. I need to be better about getting him to clean up himself; he will do it if I ask him to, after a bit of complaining. As for purging, what I really need to do is toss all those crafts DS2 did years ago. He was crazy about craft kits and we had tons of the Alex ones. They're all stashed in his closet and he hasn't looked at them in ages, so I'm sure he's forgotten about them.

[queenmama]

That kind of thing drives me nuts too. I actually just finished the chapter this afternoon in "Scream-Free Parenting" and the author advises that you let their kids have their "room" which can literally translate to letting them keep their room as a complete sty if they choose to do so. I don't get it. The theory (as I understand it) is that they will eventually want to start cleaning it on their own with their new found freedom.

Um, no. False.

I had such freedom up until the day I married/moved in with DH and we are both slobs. My mom is a terrible housekeeper so my dad was the one hounding me to clean, but neither of them enforced it and my room was always that sty!

DH's mom expected him to keep his room neat but she did clean up after him rather than let his room stay messy. She did a fantastic job raising him but I hate that he expects me to go behind him and pick up his messes!

We have given DS the same freedom I had (out of laziness on my part!) and as he's gotten older the less effort he makes to clean his room. I obviously don't do it for him. I've only recently realized that we must change because I don't want my future DIL hating me! :P

As far as the trashbag trick "not working," well... It won't work if you don't follow through. If you say you're trashing/donating the toys then you have to live up to your word. Or tell them the toys will be bagged and brought back into their room(s) a little at a time if they can keep everything put away.

A great solution is to have everything boxed up and put away in sets (building sets, dress up, dolls and action figures, etc) and bring out just one set at a time. My SIL did this with her four kids and it prevented their rooms from becoming disastrous in the first place.

[Twoboos]

That kind of thing drives me nuts too. I actually just finished the chapter this afternoon in "Scream-Free Parenting" and the author advises that you let their kids have their "room" which can literally translate to letting them keep their room as a complete sty if they choose to do so. I don't get it. The theory (as I understand it) is that they will eventually want to start cleaning it on their own with their new found freedom. We shall see. That is if I don't completely flip my lid first.

I just read this chapter too. It said designate some time when they have to clean b/c of a house wide "deep clean." They said twice a YEAR! I was like - what?! It would take 6 more months to clean from that. I was thinking once a month.

I don't think I can do it, especially b/c DD2 freaks out b/c her room is too messy and she can't find anything and she has no where to put anything and she will NEVER be able to clean it b/c it's too much work!

That tirade really makes me what to throw everything out.

BTW, I love the trash bag trick. Sadly it works every time.

[npace19147]

I am loving the trashbag idea as I would love to purge about 90% of what is strewn about their bedroom and the playroom. But that would mean I have to clean up my craft stuff that is lying around the playroom or else trash it too... eek! I need to work on doing what I say before I threaten them for not doing it. I also have the problem of not wanting to clean up the last project (half-completed) before turning to the new, far more interesting project...same as my girls!

[ahisma]

That kind of thing drives me nuts too. I actually just finished the chapter this afternoon in "Scream-Free Parenting" and the author advises that you let their kids have their "room" which can literally translate to letting them keep their room as a complete sty if they choose to do so. I don't get it. The theory (as I understand it) is that they will eventually want to start cleaning it on their own with their new found freedom. We shall see. That is if I don't completely flip my lid first.

I've tried that. DD is almost 15. Hasn't worked yet.

[MamaMolly]

That kind of thing drives me nuts too. I actually just finished the chapter this afternoon in "Scream-Free Parenting" and the author advises that you let their kids have their "room" which can literally translate to letting them keep their room as a complete sty if they choose to do so. I don't get it. The theory (as I understand it) is that they will eventually want to start cleaning it on their own with their new found freedom. We shall see. That is if I don't completely flip my lid first.

I think this would work if the person is, by nature, tidy. I had a friend like that in high school ;). But DH and I are messy by nature, our girls are messy by nature, and so our house would look like an episode of Hoarders in about 5 days if we left things alone.

[123LuckyMom]

There is no way on God's green earth that my DS would clean up if left to his own devices. NO WAY! He just turned 5, so I still cut him some slack. I sit with him to clean up. I "help" by holding the bag/box/bin and pointing out missed objects. The time I put in is irritating but much less energy sapping than the blood boiling anger I would feel at the situation you just described! If he has a meltdown and refuses to clean, I tell him that I get to keep anything I pick up, and I get to decide what to do with it. He usually pretends he doesn't care, but he does. I hold those toys until he has asked for them back and been refused twice. I tell him they are in toy jail until he can free them with his good behavior. He almost never refuses to clean if I agree to "help" him.

[OKKiddo]

I use a timer (red ikea timer) and a trash bag. I tell them they have 5 minutes to clean up, assign each one a few tasks, set the timer and walk out. I come back in 3 minutes with a trash bag and give each one a reminder of their jobs. Timer goes off and I clean up the broken pieces or parts that didn't make it. Some tears are shed but usually gone quickly because I remind them that what was being tossed is broken or a fast food toy/book.

[arivecchi]

That kind of thing drives me nuts too. I actually just finished the chapter this afternoon in "Scream-Free Parenting" and the author advises that you let their kids have their "room" which can literally translate to letting them keep their room as a complete sty if they choose to do so. I don't get it. The theory (as I understand it) is that they will eventually want to start cleaning it on their own with their new found freedom. We shall see. That is if I don't completely flip my lid first.
This is insane. Don't do it. Clearly, they have not met my leave-everything-everywhere DH and his parents who apparently believe this as well because their house is shall we say "interesting". Lovely people, but far from tidy. Easier to instill the habits now than when they are teenagers or aduts! I actually use the chore board for my kids and - miracle of miracles - it works for them. They get upset when they do not get their smileys. I do let them be messy in the basement but when I am done with it, I use the garbage bag threat too and they zip around like cleaning elves. lol.

[bisous]

Good luck OP. I completely understand your frustration. I think my DS1 actually LIKES and prefers clutter. But I can't possibly allow him to live in his own filth because our house it just too small and he shares a room! Not permitting any "perks" (computer time, watching a DVD) until the room is clean is my best motivator. Cleaning at night before bed is unusually ineffective unless I threaten. I hate doing that too. Hate it. But hate the clutter more... Sigh...

[niccig]

I'm resigned to having to "make" DS clean up. No way would it just go do it. I have to check in on him to make sure he's doing what he's told. DS now has more chores around the house that we check off. He does them but I need to remind him and check on him to make sure it gets done. I'm hoping as time goes on, I need to check less and he starts to do things without constant reminders.

i know many adults that don't clean up so I figure it will take some time and work on my part to teach him. I just hope not too long and not too much work!

[abh5e8]

I have done the trash bag trick. I have donated toys. I have screamed. I have yelled. I have sat there with them and gone over every step in the process. Nothing helps.

What kills me is that, especially in their room, they never actually play with 99% of what's there. They just seem to find joy in dumping everything on the floor. And yet they act like each and every tiny barbie shoe is a precious treasure once I mention getting rid of it. It drives me up the wall.

They're actually moving to their own rooms next week, and most of what's up there is not moving. It's going out. I'm done with this routine.

well, if you keep using the trashbag trick, eventually they won't have all those toys left to clean up? it does work, but you have to follow through. kids can see through an empty threat a mile away. i've tried it all too. yelling, reminding, taking away other activities and they are still as slow as mud at picking up toys and will just goof around, basically "playing" through the work. finally dh told me to just let them be. if they want to spend all of their time picking up, so be it. this is the part that drives me nuts, as its a HUGE waste of time. (both theirs and mine!). but i'm also culling the toys this weekend. i swear they breed at my house.

[janine]

Oh I sympathize. I think separate rooms *might* help. I have 2 DD's, and while one is only 2 they are already feeding off each other, so if one is defiant the other is too and then they giggle and step it up. So having them both in there to (not) "clean" might be fun to them. Each sent to their own room to silently get it done maybe easier?

I hope you are feeling better though, it can be infurirating!