What to give a 6-year old who lost an older brother?

[njk07]

I just found out that my son's Kindergarten classmate's brother died last night. He is 10 and was born with a heart condition. Although he has undergone a number of surgeries, I think this was unexpected. The sister is naturally devastated. Is it appropriate to give her a stuffed toy or something at the wake? I've been crying the whole day. It is very sad news :(

[♥ms.pacman♥]

no advice, other than prayers & positive thoughts to the family. that is just heartbreaking, i can't imagine. and hugs to you as well, i'd be in tears for days over it, even if i barely knew the family.

if you are friends with some of the other parents in the class maybe you can pitch in to get a group gift or something, or maybe a donation? we did something similar for a mom in our moms group when she suddenly lost her brother (was suicide and very unexpected). a bunch of us pitched in to raise money for a memorial fund....then took a small amt to buy her a small memorial stone with something engraved in it.

[rlu]

The family may put out a notice (through the school or whatnot) of how they want their son to be remembered (I'm thinking donations to a specific charity, etc.).

I think PP has a good idea about getting with the teacher or other classroom parents for a group gift/donation.

When I was a junior in high school my classmate's brother was killed in an airplane crash, he was only 3 years older than us and many of us knew him from our freshman year when he was a senior at our school. She said the things that really helped were just being a friend to her, including her in class discussions or calling out to her as we passed in the hallways.

One of the kids at DS's elementary school passed away last year (not unforseen but earlier than expected) and the school did create a small rock memorial to him at the front of the school. Years before another student passed away and there is a reading corner (bean bags, etc.) in the library named after her.

[sariana]

I think a "lovey" for the sister absolutely is appropriate, but I'm not sure the wake is the right place to give it to her. Is there another time you can offer it to her as a comfort object?

DC's school lost a student unexpectedly over the summer. We are donating books to the library in his name. He was a big reader, and the coordinator of our book adoption program knew the family well and came up with the idea. So all books donated this year will be in this student's honor. Maybe your school could look into something like that?

[HannaAddict]

I think giving her a lovey is very sweet but that you should just leave it for her with the parents, not give it to her directly and let her parents handle it. It is a very emotional time and responding to gifts is hard enough but could really be teary. Maybe leave a meal and include a lovey on the porch, something that can be used later and use dishes that the family doesn't have to return. I'm so sorry. Thinking of the family.

[njk07]

Yeah, after I posted, I figured the wake is not the appropriate occasion to give her something like that. I'll try to figure something to give the family with the other families from the class. Thanks for all the responses.

[twowhat?]

Oh, goodness:( That is heartbreaking:( I have no advice but I would imagine a lovey/stuffed animal would be appreciated at any time. P&PT to the family!!!

[magnoliaparadise]

My nephew died at 10 years old from cancer, which was devastating and although he had it for two years, still felt unexpected, even though in hindsight it wasn't. He left behind a 6 year old brother (who adored him and wanted to be just like him and was his biggest fan). It was heartbreaking. My heart goes out to that family.
Here are suggestions:
- Any photos of the kids or the older brother, if you have them. One of my nephew's babysitters made a pillow case out of a photo of my two nephews and I still tear up thinking of what an incredibly thoughtful gift that was.
- A 'favorite candy' that the older brother liked (same babysitter - on my older nephew's birthday after he died).
- maybe if your child is friends with the younger sister who lost her brother, just asking the family in a month if you can take her on a cool, great adventure?
- a book about loss for a child?
- my sense, like other losses, is that it's all a blur the first few days, weeks, and maybe months. But even just a little note remembering something about the child or something the sister said about him would be so appreciated by the family. Even now, sometimes I will run into someone who tells me a little story about my nephew - he was just such a beautiful child - and it stays with me like a gift from the universe or a higher power, truly, like I have gotten a tap on my shoulder from him.