Newborn and 2 yr old at home

[flashy09]

I am starting to waver about putting my DD in preschool in January. Not so much because I don't think DD is ready, but she can't start the school I like best (the pretty country school for anyone who remembers my last preschool thread!) until next September.

DD will be almost 26 months when DD2 arrives in late January. She is a ball of fire and from the minute she gets up it's "mommy play toys!" "mommy read books!" "mommy go outside!". I love how excited she is to start the day and how interactive she is with me. Normally we do all sorts of classes and play dates and she is well entertained.

But remembering the first 6 weeks with DD I can't imagine entertaining a toddler at the same time. I was anemic, bleeding, stitched up, trying to learn to breastfeed, exhausted from night feedings, and stressed about doing something wrong and basically my whole world was turned upside down. DD would take long naps all morning and I would sleep or post on this forum with a million questions, lol.

So if you had a 2 yr old and a newborn at the same time and no preschool/daycare, is it manageable? Or should I go ahead and send her to the very good school that will take her in January and either stay there or switch in August to the "perfect" school so I can focus on the newborn (i.e, stay in bed and nap with the baby) a few times a week?

If you had in home help instead, is it possible to feel off duty when you can hear and see your older child? Did he/she play with the nanny even with you around? I feel like my DD would know I was home and just want to be with me. If hear her calling or crying for me, I will feel guilty and sad and it probably won't be worth it.

If you didn't have help, was it manageable dealing with both kids? Did you put the newborn in another room during the naps? How do you explain that you are nursing/feeding the baby and can't play....or do you just learn to nurse and play? There are so many times during the day when DD is having a tantrum or climbing all over me that I think "what would I be doing with a tiny baby crying right now as well!?"

[KLD313]

It was manageable for me basically because I was so much more comfortable with having a newborn for the second time. I didn't stress over every little thing, it was all easier. I had a c-section, too and it was still ok. Now, it's hard because they're both mobile. I had no idea how hard it was to have two kids until DS started to walk. It's tough watching two kids at once.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Big age difference here so no help on some. But, I think your dd would really enjoy preschool. It's only a few hours/ week. :). We switched from the preschool ds2 attended when he was 2 to another one for the years after. It was really nice to broaden our social circle and I really enjoyed having new people to talk to, especially in the cooped up winter months.

Eta- along the lines of what pp said; parenting the 2nd time around was so much easier physically. Breast feeding was a cinch I rolled with the sleeplessness better.

[georgiegirl]

My sister has the same age difference (26 mo) and it was a very rough first few months for her. Things got better around 4 months. Her 2 year old DD was intense and needy and she had trouble meeting both her needs and those of her newborn son. My mom would visit once a week to play with big sis.

[KrisM]

Mine are 25 months apart. So, I had a 2 year old and a newborn and then a 4 year old, 2 year old and a newborn. Both were doable. But, mine were spring/summer, so we went outside often. I do remember bring snow into the master bathtub when DS1 was 2.5 so he could play in snow and DD didn't have to go out :).

But, I guess the newborn part was easier the second time so overall it wasn't terrible. I was tired, but we managed. I am not sure trying to get 2 kids out of the house for preschool would be much easier. When DS2 was 6 weeks, DS1 went back to preschool and it was tough getting everyone out on time, and school didn't start until noon!

[Kindra178]

I delivered two babies when ds1 was 26 months. Ds1 went two mornings a week. It was good to have him engaged in something, although the transition to get him used to it was a bit tough. The school had a burst pipe over the December holiday and his school was closed for the month of January. We definitely felt his presence! It was also a miserably cold January with below zero highs, so that didn't help matters at all. If I had the twins in the summer, I might have felt differently.

In retrospect, two mornings for preschool was not enough. Three or four would have been better.

[ang79]

My girls are 26 mos. apart. DD2 was a much easier going baby than DD1, which helped a lot! And at age 2, DD1 liked being my helper, so she would run to get diapers, wipes, burp cloths, etc. and carried around her baby doll to mimic what I was doing with her sister. I'd try to do games, puzzles, toys, etc. w/ her when the baby was napping and she would play happily on her own when I was feeding and changing the baby. It was an adjustment period, but not horrible. I think a lot of it depends on the individual kids, as well as how well you recover from birth (I had tearing and stitches and it was very painful to move for the first few weeks, but we managed). Thinks like breast feeding didn't seem as hard around the second time either.

Another thing to consider, while it may be nice to have your oldest in preschool, that also means you have to pack the baby up and get both kids ready and out the door on time to do the preschool run. I always hated having to go out in the winter with a newborn when its cold and snowy! DD2 was born at Thanksgiving and we pretty much hibernated at home the first month or so because bundling up a baby and toddler to go out was exhausting!

[rin]

DD1 was almost 26 months old when DD2 was born, so exactly your same gap, and we sent DD1 to preschool 3 mornings a week. It was absolutely lovely having some time alone with the baby to bond and do special mother-baby things with DD2.

My only concern would be that there would be multiple major life changes that your DD1 would be going through all at once: having a new baby sister (major!) and being away from home and going to school for the first time (also major!). Depending on your DD1's personality, it might be very hard for her. (Our DD1 had a pretty rough transition to being a big sister, and in retrospect she would have been much happier if she'd just stayed at home with us during that time. For us, I don't know that the benefit to me/DD2 was worth the cost to DD1, if that makes sense.)

[amom526]

It totally depends. The first 2 months or so will probably be brutal no matter what you do. Ds1 was 21 months when DS2 was born. He was going out 3 mornings a week 9-12 or 12:30 at that time. For me it was a lifesaver. I really have trouble coping without down time, and those hours gave me the ability to recharge my batteries and maintain my sanity. That being said, the two days DS1 was home in the mornings were not so bad. We got into the groove of a new routine.

Teaching your toddler to be patient and wait will be an adventure. I tried to do the nursing while playing thing, but it never really worked for me. I ultimately just turned nursing time into ipad time for my toddler and it worked for us. DS2 took most of his newborn naps in the swing in the living room while we played.

In terms of home help, I had my mom here for the first week which was amazing. That being said, I mostly just had her hold the newborn when I wasn't nursing so that I could play with DS1. There is no way he would have let me rest if he knew I was in the house, and you may not get much rest that way.

The only other thing I would take into account in your situation is how DD will adjust to a new pre-school at the same time as adjusting to a new sibling. That is a lot to ask. i would definitely want to have her acclimated to the new pre-school before the baby comes. DS1 was well adjusted to his playgroup and loved it there, but it was still rough when DS2 came. He had a lot of new (understandable) separation anxiety and didn't like being apart from me.

Whatever you decide, it will work out. The beginning will be hard, but you will adjust. I also agree that having a newborn the second time around is not as hard. You don't have that shock to your system that becoming a first time parent does to you.

[DualvansMommy]

I struggled with the exact same issue over summer, as my DS will be 30 months when DC is born in Jan. Two factors helped my decision in sending ds to preschool 3 days a week over summer as a trial period, 1) the timing of ds starting preschool with arrival of new sibling, 2) jan equals winter which meant a lot of days spend indoors potentially.

I didn't want to enroll DS same time when we're dealing with new baby/new sibling in our dynamic, so decided summer was a good time to send ds off and try. Ended up loving it so much that he's a firm attendent at the center 3x a week, and just recently we moved him out of his crib/small bedroom into a big boy bed/bigger bedroom in Sept. He loves his new room/new bed, is well established with new routine now...so all the major transitions we've worried is done and dealt with.

we figured it'll do DS good to burn off excess energy playing and getting the focus on him in school while i'm in the newborn haze, and another decision that helped me is that DH will drop/pick DS from center. Like one of pp brought up, if you're responsible to drop/pick up your DD that's another thing you've think about and in the winter too.....

so the long shot of my story is: if you do want to send DD to preschool, do it now and not in jan when your newborn is arriving/arrived as that'll give you/DD time to adjust to the new transition. Otherwise keep her until enrollment at the country preschool but hire some help for yourself in the first 3-4 months from your home.

[flashy09]

I am sure it will be so much easier 2nd time around especially with 11 months of breastfeeding under my belt. The newborn actually seems so easy - can't move! Just plain crying seems like no big deal after some of my DD's mid aisle store meltdowns! It's just the "play happily on her own" part from Ang79's post I am worried about. DD is not good at that and wants me involved with everything.

Dh's brother just got an au pair and DH is very keen on that idea. I looked at a website and after crossing several off for not passing "Jude's Law" (just kidding! Sort of...) it seems like a good option. Anyone had one? The only thing that bothers me is having a 3rd person around the house all the time. Maybe I am not a good enough hostess for a live in situation as I don't feel that social when at home during the day. Would much rather read a book during quiet times than talk to the au pair to be honest....that sounds horrible! I do love the idea of having someone around to play with DD or stay home with the baby if I took DD out though.

Edited now that I read more responses: The starting same time as new baby does bother me and I worry about DD bringing home a lot of germs during the winter to the new baby. I can't start before January though, she had to be 2 to enroll. She turns 2 on 12/7 and christmas break is just after so not really worth it to send her for a week and I don't think the school gave me that option. The other school won't take her until she is two by Oct 1st and is full anyway so she is on a wait list for next September. Now I am thinking I should keep her home and let her adjust to one major change at a time. But then again a lot of posters seem to really appreciate that alone time! I am so confused and probably way overthinking this.

[BunnyBee]

It would depend on the preschool's drop off/pickup procedures. And I'm not sure if want to introduce all those germs in January with a new baby. I'd probably wait and enroll in the fall.

I don't think au pairs "do" babies. I'm not sure on the details, but I know 2 families who ruled them out after having a surprise pregnancy.

[flashy09]

Is 3 weeks of school considered enough time to adjust before the new baby? She would start on the 6th and new baby comes around the 26th.

[DualvansMommy]

Is 3 weeks of school considered enough time to adjust before the new baby? She would start on the 6th and new baby comes around the 26th.

It really depends on your DD's personality and such, if i recall it took my DS 2-3 weeks to feel settled without any further crying jags at drop off. One major plus about your DD is that she likes constant interaction, so she may take to preschool lot easier than my DS who was quite good at playing by himself, etc but had to get used to the new structure of having constant playmates.

ETA: The winter cold/bug issue hadn't occured to me! so i do worry about that for my DS, but i figured he's well used to the preschool enviornment. But that's another factor for you to think...also what would the drop/pick up structure be like? is it something that your DH could do so you wouldn't have to gather the infant and everything off into car, cold just to drop off/pick up your DD?

[JBaxter]

All bets are off when a new baby shows up. My oldest was 35 months when his brother was born. His behavior went from nearly angelic to something I would refer to as horrific. He didn't want me to hold his brother would follow me room to room screamed when I tried to leave him paces. That went on for 2 or 3 solid weeks. Adjusting to preschool is also individual I've taken 4 boys to 4 different preschools some kids have zero issue day one but I've seen teachers pull kids off their mothers legs for a month or 2. So she may adjust and then you turn her world upside down with a new baby. I don't know your child but I would not put any of my 4 in preschool at 26 months mid winter with a sibling showing up in 3 weeks. But thats me.
Is 3 weeks of school considered enough time to adjust before the new baby? She would start on the 6th and new baby comes around the 26th.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

well my kids are closer to a year apart and i never did daycare/preschool with them until they were 2 and 3, for when i was going back to work. i did have occasional babysitting help though for the older dc. she came to our house and watched him for 3 hours or so and i could have a break to jhust nurse/nap with dd. i think i could have done without any help though, if my DH wasn't traveling like crazy (he was often gone during the week). at the time i dind't really know anyone in my area i could hang out with during the day. and if i had my mom's group then, it would have been A LOT easier. i agree with the 2nd one you are more relaxed and confident as a parent.

[WatchingThemGrow]

I would choose to keep the older one at home for a bit longer b/c I hated having to bundle up and go out with more than one DC. Just get lots of toys that you can rotate, and have them in different places where you nurse. We had someone visit us a few times a week when we had 3 babies 36 mos and under. Made 2 in 18 mos feel like a cakewalk. You can do it!

[joonbug]

My friend had her second son when her first was 2y3m so almost the same age difference. She always says the first months were extremely hard, there were a lot of times when her older was crying in the corner and she was tied up nursing the LO. Things did get much better though after the initial weeks and she loves the age difference now (they have started playing really nice together -at times lol- at 1 and 3).

[o_mom]

To me, the thought of trying to get a two year old ready, to a school on time, in the winter, with a newborn sounds like a kind of torture. DS3 was 4 months old when DS1 started preschool in the fall and that was hard enough.

I would work on the 'playing independently' part now before the baby comes. Even if it is just a few minutes at a time, it's a good skill to start learning.

[Pilotbaby]

Do you have a babysitter/ mother's helper you could try it out with before the baby comes to see how she does with you in the house? We sometimes have our sitter come and play while I get things done around the house and our daughter really likes to play with her. I do respond if she cries or needs something but if you are ok with sitter doing that, you could probably focus more on the baby. That way, you can wait for the school you really want and your older daughter gets a special friend to come play a few hours a day/ week.

[ang79]

I am sure it will be so much easier 2nd time around especially with 11 months of breastfeeding under my belt. The newborn actually seems so easy - can't move! Just plain crying seems like no big deal after some of my DD's mid aisle store meltdowns! It's just the "play happily on her own" part from Ang79's post I am worried about. DD is not good at that and wants me involved with everything.


Does she like drawing/coloring? My girls loved playing with the magna doodle and aqua doodle at that age, as well as the Crayola Colorwonder markers. Maybe you could keep things like that in a special bin to pull out when you are nursing or changing the baby?

[westwoodmom04]

I would get a part time babysitter/nanny before an au pair, then you don't have to have them around all the time. Au pairs are teenagers and act accordingly, I could never have one for that reason.

My kids are 2.5 years apart. DD started preschool was DS was six weeks old (she also went to a 3 hour gym drop off once a week). We didn't have any problems with the adjustment to school nor did the baby get sick a lot. I think the outside stimulation for her helped a lot. I also had a babysitter come once a week for three to four hours so I could get a break.

[MommyAllison]

My first two are 30 months apart, and it really wasn't bad. DH was home for the first week, and at that point we had found our groove enough - Bf was easy with DS compared to Dd1, he was very easy going and slept better than Dd1, and since it was spring we spent lots of time outside. I'd put the kids in the stroller, walk to the park, and by the time we got there DS would be asleep so I'd park him in the shade while Dd1 played for an hour or so. Like a pp said, having to get dd1 to and from preschool would have been tough for us - we enjoyed our relaxed, go-at-our-own-pace days. I wore DS in a carrier a lot, and since Dd1 was still napping, I often got a quick nap too. While nursing, I read a lot of books to dd1. We did wrap up some little gifts before DS was born for when dd1 needed something new to do, if she was feeling jealous - but we didn't end up opening more than one or two. It also helped that DS was a speedy nurser, 5-10 minutes every few hours was totally manageable.

[flashy09]

I looked at a 3rd preschool today that is very near the racetrack (horses) my husband trains out of every day and so he could pick up and drop off. It was amazing and my DD joined right in with the class, but I have a feeling I won't get a spot for September starting so late. Anyway, the point is I had a long talk with the director and she gave me a few mother's day out programs in the area that she sent her own kids. I think that might be the solution if they really are any good. That way I can hold out for preschool until the fall, but if I am have a sleepless night or DD is really bored that week, I can take her there for a few hours.

She played so well at the school today and I had to forcibly remove her from the rooms once she was involved so obviously she can play alone just fine! I am going to keep some of her Christmas presents stashed away (my mom goes crazy with presents) until the new baby comes and make my living room like a preschool with stations - a table for art, a book corner, and rotate her toys out every day so they are fresh to her. She might just be bored with a big pile of toys that are old news to her at the moment. So funny because before DD came I was worried about the Rainforest bouncer clashing with my furniture and now with DD2 I want to turn the whole room into a playroom, lol. How things change!

Anyway, I am feeling less overwhelmed with the mother's day out option and less guilty seeing how well she liked preschool for when she does start. I really appreciate all the advice here - it really helped me and I am so grateful for such a big response and so many experiences to learn from!

[shweethart]

Glad things got figured out

I think your dd will already see your attention divided when the new baby comes that with mothers helper/ nanny or whatever she'll be glad to have that focused time on her

[theriviera]

It sounds like you have some good options.

My 1st 2 are 25 months apart and our older DDs sound very similar. I was working FT though when DD2 was born so we still had our nanny full time. Honestly, it was really, really awesome to have an extra adult around during the day. Dd1's schedule didn't change, so she was still heading to the park every day and playing with her friends. So based on my experience and the personality/temperment of your (and my!) DD1, I would try to have something scheduled (like preschool) at least 2 mornings a week.