Looking for ideas to help a reticient preschooler make friends at preschool

[fedoragirl]

DD is very shy. I was very shy at that age and didn't outgrow it well into my teens. So, I understand what she's going through. However, I am guilty of forcing her to socialize sometimes in preschool. Bad of me and I need to reform that, I know.
She has come home every day for the last 2 weeks saying sadly that she doesn't have any friends. It is very difficult to hear because she is so eager to be around other kids but she doesn't know how to go about it. We have done role plays but it's always done in English which doesn't help her at preschool where she and everyone else speaks German.
I am going to meet with the teacher soon and would like some ideas on how we can help her cultivate friendships. I am always asking for playdates but have not gotten any response. We have had playdates with kids from other preschools and she gets along with them but that doesn't help her in her preschool. She has also started throwing tantrums about not wanting to go to preschool (which is the reason I am meeting with the teacher). This happened suddenly and I don't really know what caused it. Teacher says that I am overthinking it and it will resolve on its own. I would very much like to work WITH the teacher since DD is in preschool 5 days of the week.

[BabyBearsMom]

I'm sorry, this sounds tough. DD1 was excrutiatingly shy when she started preschool. She would not talk to or play with any of the other kids. After a few months, the entire class was invited to a birthday party. While there, I talked to the hostess about setting up an e-mail list to get together for regular casual play dates at local parts etc. The hostess liked the idea and passed around a sheet of paper for people to sign up if they were interested. I also went out of my way to be extremely friendly and social with the other parents. Then we started an e-mail list and each week someone would suggest a different location to meet up. We did this a few tmes and then after we had gotten to know the other families better we started doing smaller group play dates. Seeing the kids repeatedly outside of school and then inside of school helped DD1 feel more comfortable. She ended up becoming very close with a group of 5 other girls and 2 boys, and we see some of the folks in this group socially nearly every week. I think it takes time and seeing people frequently for a shy kid to come out of her shell. For us, role plaing never worked because DD1 would clam up whenever a stranger was around (she was terrified of everyone except DH, me, DD2 and her teachers; she wouldn't even let her grandparents near her). I did talk to her teachers about it and what they tried to do was when a group of kids was playing with something that DD1 wanted to play with, they would bring DD1 over and get her started playing with the other kids, stay with the kids until DD1 had relaxed and was playing and then slip away. But probably 60% of the time, DD1 would realize and slip away as soon as the teachers were gone.

[wellyes]

This book helped my daughter. http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Friend-Friends-Families/dp/0316111538/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1383661918&sr=1-1&keywords=be+a+friend

Me explaining it things like "it's OK to go up to someone and say I want to play" was OK. But seeing pictures and getting advice from a "real" book seemed to make a big impression on her. She was absolutely fascinated by it.

[JustMe]

Hmmnm so the teacher says you're overthinking it? Interesting. I don't know about overthinking, but preschool aged kids do need helps with social situations sometimes. I would appeal to her to see if she has any ideas on how to help your dd enter and maintain play with other children. Hopefully she will have some. If not, I wonder if she would be open to reminding your dd of the German words you are using with her in English...or maybe you can just find out what the German words are and use them (sorry, you may be doing that---this is an oversimplification as I am reading this while getting ready for work).

[fedoragirl]

This book helped my daughter. http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Friend-Friends-Families/dp/0316111538/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1383661918&sr=1-1&keywords=be+a+friend

Me explaining it things like "it's OK to go up to someone and say I want to play" was OK. But seeing pictures and getting advice from a "real" book seemed to make a big impression on her. She was absolutely fascinated by it.

Thank you for that concrete example. I've ordered the book.
I must admit to feeling defensive/aggressive when most of my concerns are met with "it'll resolve on its own." I am fully aware that I may be projecting my own insecurities on my kid. But I'd like the teacher to hear me out, give her own ideas as to how to help DD instead of telling me to stop thinking about it. I would like to take concrete ideas to her and ask for her feedback. I'd like her input and it is very likely that the teacher has not had any parental involvement before.

[JdrKuhnert]

Is there a playground near the preschool where everyone meets after "school"? If you aren't receiving responses for playdates, maybe you could hang out afterwards and she could play with the kids from Kita. At our Kita, there were a couple of playgrounds where everyone met afterwards. We also organized picnics with the parents after Kita. This way she can play with the other kids if she wants, but wont feel forced to socialize.
We are having problems with our 2nd grader here in the States. He is very shy and is intimidated by the big sporty American boys. For us, we just keep reminding him to learn kids names, say hi, and join in soccer. Playing soccer has really helped him, but we have a long road ahead of us. If I force it, he resists.