Would you take DC to a therapist for...

[ha98ed14]

not being able to stand up to other kids? DD is a follower. She doesn't have a strong personality. This is the second time in as many years that she has a "friend" whom she loves dearly and wants to play with, but who is bossy and "mean to [DD] when grown-ups are not around." We have weekly playdates with this friend and they can play beautifully together. DD says the problems are at school during recess. I have tried arming DD with the right words and telling her she can leave the game if she does not like how Friend is playing. She did this once, and Friend followed her and forced her back into the game in a role she did not want to play. I felt so bad for her. She truly felt powerless, and I don't know what to do to help her. I am starting to panic because DD basically told me she just has to go along with the situation and let Friend tell her what to do or Friend will follow her all over the play ground basically verbally harassing her.

[Mopey]

I'm so sorry OP, this must be heartbreaking. Is there a way to involve the teachers or those who monitor at recess? Do you know Friend's parents? As for what to tell your DD I just don't know. Encourage other friends and playdates? Hugs!!

ETA: I forgot about the therapy part.....and my answer is IDK. Maybe some roll playing, etc would help your DD deal with these situations?

[KpbS]

Have you tried role-playing with her at home to help her stand up to bossiness and bullying type of behaviors? It can take some kids a while to gain social confidence and independence. I don't think seeing a psychologist would hurt. You might be able to find some type of group setting (clinical) where she could practice her skills after strengthening them.

I think you are definitely right to be concerned b/c IMO this behavior just continues with some kids (harassing, bullying) as they become older and the dynamics can get even more complicated.

Hugs!

[BunnyBee]

Social skills classes may be helpful. They do, among other things, guided role play.

[Jen841]

I may sound preachy, but karate really helped my son have self confidence.

[mmommy]

I asked a child therapist about this sort of thing for DD1 and she recommended a team sport. We put DD1 into one, and she is really flourishing, so I thought I'd pass that advice on. She seems to have grown a bit more self aware, self confident, and is learning how to work together with others within the sport framework.

[squimp]

If it's happening at school, I would start with the teacher. It sounds like the friend is a royal pain and they need a break from each other. Our K teacher was really great about these issues. We did a lot of talking at that age too, about choosing good friends. And about talking to the teacher if the situation becomes too challenging for DD to handle herself.

[inmypjs]

For me the answer to your question about whether or not to take her to a therapist would depend on how much the situation is negatively affecting her. Is it affecting her a lot outside of school? Is she really upset and anxious? Does she have any sleeping problems? Has she been down or irritable? Does she not want to go to school because of it? My DD in 1st comes home with various reports about friends and peers that aren't always great, but we talk about it and move on. As yucky as it is, I think the peer stuff is normal. I would watch her and see how she is doing with it.

[crl]

I'd probably be looking at a social skills class rather than therapy per se. Does your school have a counselor? That might be a good resource. Some schools run a lunch buddies program, focusing on social skills. That might be a good fit.

Catherine

[ha98ed14]

For me the answer to your question about whether or not to take her to a therapist would depend on how much the situation is negatively affecting her. Is it affecting her a lot outside of school? Is she really upset and anxious? Does she have any sleeping problems? Has she been down or irritable? Does she not want to go to school because of it? My DD in 1st comes home with various reports about friends and peers that aren't always great, but we talk about it and move on. As yucky as it is, I think the peer stuff is normal. I would watch her and see how she is doing with it.

She has said she doesnt want to go to school more than once. She's also said she doesnt like first grade bc if this issue. The anxiety is not as bad as last year when this same issue came up with a different friend. I made an appt. I dont know what else to do. Given her personality, I see her dealing with this long into the future... Thanks for the input.

[hillview]

I think given what you described it is a good idea.

[AnnieW625]

I think it might be a good idea, but I also might look at switching schools if you can. You live in a pretty competitive school district from what I understand so even a change of school might be helpful as well for next year if the problem persists. My DD1 can be a follower at times as well and we have told her that just because friend A who is a born leader says something (she recently told DD1 she couldn't be a certain character from a movie because that character didn't wear glasses so DD1 went on this whole thing about how she hates her glasses--which has never once been in an issue in the almost 4 yrs. she has worn them) doesn't mean it is right. I have to be a tad frank and short with DD1 and tell her gently to snap out of it, she didn't cry or anything, but I told her what Friend A said was wrong and she didn't need to believe it, and that she is own person, and shouldn't be afraid to tell Friend A that Friend A is wrong.

TBH though and it has been a while since I have seen your DD in person but I think she is a great little kid and with the right group of friends I don't think she'll have any problems.

Good luck, and lots of hugs.

[ha98ed14]

I think it might be a good idea, but I also might look at switching schools if you can. You live in a pretty competitive school district from what I understand so even a change of school might be helpful as well for next year if the problem persists. My DD1 can be a follower at times as well and we have told her that just because friend A who is a born leader says something (she recently told DD1 she couldn't be a certain character from a movie because that character didn't wear glasses so DD1 went on this whole thing about how she hates her glasses--which has never once been in an issue in the almost 4 yrs. she has worn them) doesn't mean it is right. I have to be a tad frank and short with DD1 and tell her gently to snap out of it, she didn't cry or anything, but I told her what Friend A said was wrong and she didn't need to believe it, and that she is own person, and shouldn't be afraid to tell Friend A that Friend A is wrong.

TBH though and it has been a while since I have seen your DD in person but I think she is a great little kid and with the right group of friends I don't think she'll have any problems.

Good luck, and lots of hugs.


Thanks, Annie! That's very sweet of you. DD doesn't have a mean bone in her body; she does *not* need to be in control, and overall, she is just *not* a very sophisticated little girl. She's still on the young end of 6 and tends to play with kids on the younger end in her class/ 1st grade cohort. (Friend just turned 6 a week ago.) They are still playing imaginary games of "My Little Pony" and "American Girl Dolls," where they pretend to be characters from the story. Your description of E and the character without glasses is exactly what happened here. It has happened before. Friend forces DD to be the character she does not want to be, and when DD removes herself from the game, Friend follows her around the playground harassing her until she comes back. I have had the same "snap out of it; Friend is wrong; don't believe her" conversations with DD and the anxiety it brings up is visible. This morning at drop off, she was worried about Friend not playing by "fair rules," and the tension was written all over her face.

I'm not at the switching schools stage yet. Before I go that route, I want to get DD some direct counseling because chances are there will be girls like Friend and Friend-from-last-year (Remember LittleGirlHighPower?) at other schools. Another factor is Friend's mom has said that they are looking to move to Oregon/Washington. They rent, and it is so expensive here. Almost everyone I know who isn't already a homeowner in OC is looking to move to the PNW. But that aside, I just know there are going to be other girls that have the natural-leader-turned-bossy-controlling personalities. DD's gotta develop some coping skills. I'm hoping the therapist can help with that.