MIl for Christmas. I want to say no.

[flashy09]

Are you ever allowed to say no to a MIL wanting to come for Christmas or is that just part of being married? MIL just left and now wants to come back for Christmas (and 4 weeks later for the new baby). I am so tired from her visit - she stays up late/gets up early (5 hr time difference) and many trips to the bathroom all night. Our upstairs is cramped with 3 bedrooms close together and one bathroom so I hear everything. DD ends up waking up with her at 4 or 5am so we all get up. She likes to drink, be social, etc. We go out a lot and it's fun, but not so much when pregnant, sober and tired. She's opinionated on parenting differences and a lot of things and it can get tense. There is a lot of back history, but I am trying to keep things simple!

Anyway, she has rented her house out for Christmas and her two other kids have plans with their own family or friends (although SIL and DH's Aunt would be with her if needed). I will be 36/37 weeks pregnant and want to have a very laid back Christmas and no stress - not just personality clashes, but the whole feeling of keeping the house up, no pajamas on half the day, being "on" with a houseguest. She also does Christmas totally different and the years we stay here (last year we went to her country), I like to do it my way and there will be some friction and awkwardness.

But, can I flat out say no or is that horrible? Dh wants her to come, he doesn't see her much, but will accommodate me. I haven't said a whole lot to him, but I know she is going to want to finalize things soon. I suggested she stay with my mother 15 minutes away, but that did go down well with DH. I think he would rather she not come than tell her to stay elsewhere.

I obviously can't say no the new baby visit, even though the last one went terribly. So can I pull the pregnant card out for Christmas? MIL, BIL, and SIL will probably think I am very rude. I do feel mean and wish she didn't pick this year to come - she has only come one other time in 12 years!

[Tondi G]

Personally I think pulling the pregnancy card sounds reasonable ..... but like you said, your MIL, BIL and SIL will think you are rude. Are you prepared to deal with them feeling that way? If it doesn't bother you, then tell her you would love for her to be with your family for Christmas but it is just too overwhelming with the holiday and being very pregnant, besides she will be out again in just a month when her new grandchild arrives.

I don't love having houseguests ... it would be a PITA to deal with over the holidays and being largely pregnant. Sometimes I am so thankful we only live in a 2 bedroom apartment.... if people stay with us, they have to sleep on our couch in the living room... so most would rather stay elsewhere! Good Luck

[elektra]

That is tough. And a visit with her now, plus Christmas, plus a few weeks after with the baby is A LOT for anyone IMO. But I think you might just have to go with it, especially since it sounds like your DH already told her it's ok and all the other family made plans without her subsequently (?)
I do think you have the right to do your Christmas how you want to and relax but I am sure your MIL and probably your DH would be pretty hurt if you said you couldn't swing it.

[karstmama]

You know everyone involved best, but I wonder how this would go over - 'mil, you know we love you, and I'd like you to visit over Christmas. Dh and the kids would love it. But I need to be very up front with you. I'm not going to be feeling frisky and fun. I want a very low key, pajama clad holiday. I'm very willing to have you if you're willing to be relaxed. I warn you now, though, that with the hormones I'm not willing to do things any way but mine this year.'

Just thinking that if you lay your cards out to her & DH, and have them both agree to a certain vibe, that if she's unable to maintain it he can suggest the holiday is over.

[lkoala]

Could you maybe say that you can celebrate a late Christmas with her when the new baby arrives so she just has to make one trip since it will probably be very tiring to go back and forth twice in two months...

[flashy09]

That is tough. And a visit with her now, plus Christmas, plus a few weeks after with the baby is A LOT for anyone IMO. But I think you might just have to go with it, especially since it sounds like your DH already told her it's ok and all the other family made plans without her subsequently (?)
I do think you have the right to do your Christmas how you want to and relax but I am sure your MIL and probably your DH would be pretty hurt if you said you couldn't swing it.

Nothing is set in stone. She rented the house on her own accord - I guess assuming she could come here, but she has only hinted about it. In the next few days I know she will want to confirm it. Her other children already had plans (SIL probably did assume she was coming here, but she is flexible with her plans.). You are probably right though.

[alexsmommy]

I was all on your side until you said she's only been one other time in 12 years.
Yeah, sorry. My vote is you have to let her come.
But I totally agree you need to make it crystal clear that you are NOT going to be doing anything other than a low-key Christmas, both because you are pregnant and tired AND because that's how you prefer it. Meaning, she can't offer to recreate her own vision of Christmas in your home. She has to embrace pj's all day etc.

[flashy09]

I was all on your side until you said she's only been one other time in 12 years.
Yeah, sorry. My vote is you have to let her come.
But I totally agree you need to make it crystal clear that you are NOT going to be doing anything other than a low-key Christmas, both because you are pregnant and tired AND because that's how you prefer it. Meaning, she can't offer to recreate her own vision of Christmas in your home. She has to embrace pj's all day etc.

That is very true that she has only come for one other Christmas so I don't have a lot to complain about....of course it was with SIL, BIL, Aunt, and BIL's girlfriend two days after we moved into our house...had to furnish the guest rooms in a day! But that's besides the point. Just that she never seems to come when we are not unpacking or 37 weeks pregnant, lol. We have gone to her several times. But the consensus does seem to be that I should let her come.

It's the new baby visit that I should really put my foot down for - she was so strange and mean for that visit with DD that I am really dreading it, but figure I will be up all night anyway and have a thicker skin these days!

[MSWR0319]

That is very true that she has only come for one other Christmas so I don't have a lot to complain about....of course it was with SIL, BIL, Aunt, and BIL's girlfriend two days after we moved into our house...had to furnish the guest rooms in a day! But that's besides the point. Just that she never seems to come when we are not unpacking or 37 weeks pregnant, lol. We have gone to her several times. But the consensus does seem to be that I should let her come.

It's the new baby visit that I should really put my foot down for - she was so strange and mean for that visit with DD that I am really dreading it, but figure I will be up all night anyway and have a thicker skin these days!

If you agree to let her come at Christmas, can you get her to postpone her baby visit till when you guys are better settled in and rested? The last thing you want with a new baby is someone up in your business, unless of course she's going to be helpful. Put your foot down for that one if you don't want her there right away. I didn't want anyone at my house with either baby the first few weeks other than people who could come and go, not spend the night.

[Pennylane]

I think it is mean to tell her not to come. She's only been one other Christmas in 12 years and I'm sure she would love this time with her granddaughter. I think sometimes you just have to do these things for family although it can mean everything is not exactly done your way!

Ann

[123LuckyMom]

I definitely don't think YOU can tell her not to come, but maybe your DH can say something like, "Mom, you know we'd love to see you, and OP would never say anything, because she adores you and would never want to risk hurting your feelings, but I think she's a little tired and stressed and will be even more so by Christmas when she's so far along in her pregnancy. I don't think she's going to be up to hosting." If you think this would hurt her feelings, maybe he could suggest she stay in a nearby hotel to minimize early mornings. If she's reasonable, she might work with him to find a solution that would work for everyone.

[flashy09]

If you agree to let her come at Christmas, can you get her to postpone her baby visit till when you guys are better settled in and rested? The last thing you want with a new baby is someone up in your business, unless of course she's going to be helpful. Put your foot down for that one if you don't want her there right away. I didn't want anyone at my house with either baby the first few weeks other than people who could come and go, not spend the night.

Maybe that's the way to go. Have her for Christmas and then postpone the new baby visit. I actually thought it was meaner to not let her see DD2 right away than not come for Christmas. But at the same time, she was so mean with DD the first few days (tore her apart physically head to toe, taunted DH for changing diapers and having "obsessive love", never held her until the last day when she held her like a dinner platter with an outstretched arm, had DH cancel her pediatrician appt so she didn't get dropped off at the airport early, never stopped her tirade against disposable diapers/pacifiers, left me a list of names "in case I reconsidered" and only called DD her middle name, refused to take photos because DD had a chin rash, etc ,etc) that it takes away some the excitement of DD2 coming knowing she will be here for that again. Sorry I wrote so much in the parenthesis!

BTW, I totally get this is a very selfish post. I am not this awful in real life....just posting my deep dark thoughts here about not wanting her here. I know it's the right thing to have her and I haven't said much to DH aside from something like I would very pregnant by then.

[flashy09]

I definitely don't think YOU can tell her not to come, but maybe your DH can say something like, "Mom, you know we'd love to see you, and OP would never say anything, because she adores you and would never want to risk hurting your feelings, but I think she's a little tired and stressed and will be even more so by Christmas when she's so far along in her pregnancy. I don't think she's going to be up to hosting." If you think this would hurt her feelings, maybe he could suggest she stay in a nearby hotel to minimize early mornings. If she's reasonable, she might work with him to find a solution that would work for everyone.

DH would definitely do this for me. I wouldn't dream of saying it to her face! She terrifies me, lol. I am just having a hard time deciding whether it's nice/fair/right to not have her.

[flashy09]

I think it is mean to tell her not to come. She's only been one other Christmas in 12 years and I'm sure she would love this time with her granddaughter. I think sometimes you just have to do these things for family although it can mean everything is not exactly done your way!

Ann

That's what I figured. I know I am being selfish!

[BunnyBee]

Maybe that's the way to go. Have her for Christmas and then postpone the new baby visit. I actually thought it was meaner to not let her see DD2 right away than not come for Christmas. But at the same time, she was so mean with DD the first few days (tore her apart physically head to toe, taunted DH for changing diapers and having "obsessive love", never held her until the last day when she held her like a dinner platter with an outstretched arm, had DH cancel her pediatrician appt so she didn't get dropped off at the airport early, never stopped her tirade against disposable diapers/pacifiers, left me a list of names "in case I reconsidered" and only called DD her middle name, refused to take photos because DD had a chin rash, etc ,etc) that it takes away some the excitement of DD2 coming knowing she will be here for that again. Sorry I wrote so much in the parenthesis!

BTW, I totally get this is a very selfish post. I am not this awful in real life....just posting my deep dark thoughts here about not wanting her here. I know it's the right thing to have her and I haven't said much to DH aside from something like I would very pregnant by then.

Oh. Well that changes things! Say no and delay the after baby visit. Ugh!!! :(

[ArizonaGirl]

Maybe I am just being the b!tch of the group but I think you can totally call the PG card and tell her that Xmas doesn't work for you being so close to delivery.

I also think after your description of her visit after DD1 birth that she can be told she has to wait to visit her until at least 6 weeks for you all to bond and get used to being a family of 4.

I don't think you are being selfish at all.

[TwinFoxes]

That is tough. And a visit with her now, plus Christmas, plus a few weeks after with the baby is A LOT for anyone IMO. But I think you might just have to go with it, especially since it sounds like your DH already told her it's ok and all the other family made plans without her subsequently (?)
I do think you have the right to do your Christmas how you want to and relax but I am sure your MIL and probably your DH would be pretty hurt if you said you couldn't swing it.

:yeahthat: She's British, right? So it's not crazy different. Just do your thing, and not worry about the differences. (Although if you want those Christmas "crackers" they sell them at World Market :) ) I think it's legit to pull the pregnancy card and not do a bunch of outings. But not asking her to come seems harsh. It is like using an axe instead of a scalpel. Let her come, and do what you feel comfortable doing. Don't let her scare you...you're the Keeper of the Grandchildren. You have all the power. ;)

I would definitely postpone the baby visit!

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Maybe that's the way to go. Have her for Christmas and then postpone the new baby visit. I actually thought it was meaner to not let her see DD2 right away than not come for Christmas. But at the same time, she was so mean with DD the first few days (tore her apart physically head to toe, taunted DH for changing diapers and having "obsessive love", never held her until the last day when she held her like a dinner platter with an outstretched arm, had DH cancel her pediatrician appt so she didn't get dropped off at the airport early, never stopped her tirade against disposable diapers/pacifiers, left me a list of names "in case I reconsidered" and only called DD her middle name, refused to take photos because DD had a chin rash, etc ,etc) that it takes away some the excitement of DD2 coming knowing she will be here for that again. Sorry I wrote so much in the parenthesis!

BTW, I totally get this is a very selfish post. I am not this awful in real life....just posting my deep dark thoughts here about not wanting her here. I know it's the right thing to have her and I haven't said much to DH aside from something like I would very pregnant by then.

Good lord, i don't think you are being selfish. Given what you described, i would have NO problem telling hubby to tell her what PP said in that she can come maybe she can stay in a hotel, given you will be very pregnant and/or postpartum, etc. i wouldn't say she can't come at all but maybe given 4 weeks or whatever, a chance to bond with the baby,etc.

i don't know, i don't see it as mean or refusing a grandma's rights to see grandkids, if the grandparent is going out of their way to be a royal pain in the a$$ (a list of names, just in case??? WTF!!). i think rights to stay at your kids/DIL or son 's house come with a basic condition that you act like a decent, nice person and dont' make your kids lives a living hell. FTR, both my parents and ILs don't live near us, i would give my left arm to have either my parents OR my ILs visit, at ANY time they ever wanted, because they are nice people who help around the house, cook meals, help clean, play with the kids, and aren't constantly trying to undermine my parenting skills. i thought that was the norm/given, but from the MIL horror stories i read here, guess not! i don't know, i would have no problem telling my DH my feelings. and that's awesome that he would actually stick up for you. i don't think you're being selfish at all. the postpartum period can be really tough, especially with the 2nd DC, and i would not want things further ruined by the presence of a mean, non-helpful person you will be forced to be nice to.

[flashy09]

:yeahthat: She's British, right? So it's not crazy different. Just do your thing, and not worry about the differences. (Although if you want those Christmas "crackers" they sell them at World Market :) ) I think it's legit to pull the pregnancy card and not do a bunch of outings. But not asking her to come seems harsh. It is like using an axe instead of a scalpel. Let her come, and do what you feel comfortable doing. Don't let her scare you...you're the Keeper of the Grandchildren. You have all the power. ;)

I would definitely postpone the baby visit!

I don't mind cultural differences. I love christmas pudding and crackers! My DD will be 2 so it will be the first Christmas that she is truly aware of and my first time to do things like leaving cookies out for Santa, talking about reindeer and elves, and having a bunch of presents for her to unwrap. She will be so excited I can't wait to see her face when she walks into the living room. MIL is not a fan of toys, especially plastic ones. Or Santa Claus. She will think it's all very tacky and American. She likes a very formal Christmas that revolves around Mass and the meal. That's fine, but I was looking forward this year to my big fat tacky fisher price christmas! Oh well. First world problems!

[TwinFoxes]

I don't mind cultural differences. I love christmas pudding and crackers etc! My DD will be 2 so it will be the first Christmas that she is truly aware of and my first time to do things like leaving cookies out for Santa, talking about reindeer and elves, and having a bunch of presents for her to unwrap. She will be so excited I can't wait to see her face when she walks into the living room. MIL is not a fan of toys, especially plastic ones. Or Santa Claus. She will think it's all very tacky and American. She likes a very formal Christmas that revolves around Mass and the meal. That's fine, but I was looking forward this year to my big fat tacky fisher price christmas! Oh well. First world problems!

Santa (Father Christmas) is all over Britain! And plastic toys for that matter. If she likes a formal Christmas, too bad so sad for her. :) Maybe a catch phrase like "that sounds quaint!" Whenever she talks about a formal Christmas will help you through. If your DH is a sport, share it with him.

[crl]

I'd say let her come for Christmas and make her postpone the new baby visit. I told dh that no one was allowed to stay with us for the first three months unless they were willing to clean up puke and poop. He said that means my family can't come and yours can. I said yep. And that was that.

Catherine

[DualvansMommy]

I'm coming into this with my own POV as my mom is Irish, so very similar to your MIL in terms of wanting formal Xmas around mass & meal.

Usually I would say just suck it up for the Xmas visit, and baby visit only if she was helpful. But from what it sounds like.....nope. Therefore it's just too stressful for you. It sounds like having your mil over with your first DD was quite stressful, I would postpone THAT trip a month or two later. Xmas is just a shorter visit but tell her or have your DH tell her to leave you alone! You'll be hugely pregnant, just like I will be too as were both due around same time I think. Even my own mom isn't coming for Xmas cuz she'll be here next week for my birthday and wants to be here for the baby in Jan. I told her it's either Xmas or jan or Xmas/see baby later.

And just go about having Xmas YOUR way :)

[azzeps]

Egads! I think your DH should tell her no visit at Christmas. That way you can enjoy and relax during your last xmas as a family of three and start all those fun things with your DD. Then put MIL up in a hotel when she comes to see the baby.

[AnnieW625]

That is tough. And a visit with her now, plus Christmas, plus a few weeks after with the baby is A LOT for anyone IMO. But I think you might just have to go with it, especially since it sounds like your DH already told her it's ok and all the other family made plans without her subsequently (?)
I do think you have the right to do your Christmas how you want to and relax but I am sure your MIL and probably your DH would be pretty hurt if you said you couldn't swing it.
This exactly. Good luck! You will never know how precious this time with her is until it can no longer happen for one reason or another. Be thankful your nil watches your DD when she wakes up early.

[HannaAddict]

Maybe I am just being the b!tch of the group but I think you can totally call the PG card and tell her that Xmas doesn't work for you being so close to delivery.

I also think after your description of her visit after DD1 birth that she can be told she has to wait to visit her until at least 6 weeks for you all to bond and get used to being a family of 4.

I don't think you are being selfish at all.

I totally agree. You are going to be very pregnant and a houseguest is work. You need to nest, take care of yourself and do what works for you. It is too much and I doubt she will want to delay the baby visit. I am really surprised by the accommodations people will make for MILs. We have a united front and when pregnant, the mom to be has priority. Hope you can have a quiet Christmas. You are not being selfish, she is by asking to overstay and not consider how hard it is to have a houseguest, even nice houseguest.

[fedoragirl]

I think Christmas would be more palatable given what you described at your first DD's birth. My mom did something similar with my first and I distanced her as fast as possible with my second. The overseas flight definitely deterred her a little.
If you invite her for Christmas, have your DH tell her no for the new baby visit. Good luck! I can understand your predicament and don't think you're being mean or selfish at all.

[jacksmomtobe]

Be thankful your nil watches your DD when she wakes up early.
Actually the op. Is saying mil is the one getting up early and as a result so is dd & the rest of the family.

Op you are not being selfish. mil is the selfish one. It is not as if she is coming and being easygoing and helpful instead she is being a lot of work. I think you have every right to say no to Christmas as you will be very pregnant so you should be having a low stress Christmas, not running around entertaining someone. Also I believe you said she just visited. I would have DH tell her that you need to rest towards the end of your pregnancy. She created the situation by renting out her house and does have other options. You should be selfish in a certain respect and put your health first.

As far as the baby visit I would postpone it based on your description of the visit that she brought negative energy and stress to the situation. Going from one child to two is an adjustment. Often it is a time when you learn that sometimes you have to be ok with one child being unhappy that it's not always going yo be possible for both kids to both be happy all the time. I don't think you need the added stress of having someone who is judgmental around.

I think saying no isn't about being selfish to be selfish. It's about putting your immediate family first. If you feel you can't be so firm then I would say ok to Christmas but see if she can stay at a hotel and/or make sure she gets the message that Christmas/her visit needs to be different this year due to your pregnancy because it really should be about what is best for you. Definitely delay the baby visit so you can all adjust. I would also suggest having her stay in a hotel then too as with 2 young kids sleep will difficult enough as it is.

[MMMommy]

OP, I do not think you are being selfish. Pregnancy is hard enough without houseguests. Having houseguests while pregnant just adds to your stress and worry. I totally get you wanting Christmas to be low key and stress-free before the baby comes. You want to be able to relax and rest without having to constantly clean and tidy up. You should be able to walk around the house half clothed just because you feel like it! If MIL is already coming back 4 weeks later, I don't think it is unreasonable to want alone time at Christmas. I would let DH gently explain the situation to MIL or offer up lodging in a nearby hotel (but MIL
may be offended). You need to do whatever it takes to keep your sanity while pregnant. Also, who goes and rents out their home without a firm plan in place??

[Snow mom]

I don't mind cultural differences. I love christmas pudding and crackers! My DD will be 2 so it will be the first Christmas that she is truly aware of and my first time to do things like leaving cookies out for Santa, talking about reindeer and elves, and having a bunch of presents for her to unwrap. She will be so excited I can't wait to see her face when she walks into the living room. MIL is not a fan of toys, especially plastic ones. Or Santa Claus. She will think it's all very tacky and American. She likes a very formal Christmas that revolves around Mass and the meal. That's fine, but I was looking forward this year to my big fat tacky fisher price christmas! Oh well. First world problems!

I'd let her come this year and put the baby visit off at least a month post birth. It sounds like she doesn't like newborns anyway. My mom is finds newborns boring, even her grandchildren and doesn't visit for at least a month. Even then it's more for show as she doesn't really like babies until they are more interactive. It's fine to not want to hold a newborn but then she shouldn't impose herself on your family post birth.

If its any consolation on your DD at Christmas my DD is also a December birthday and she didn't really get excited for Christmas and Christmas traditions until she was newly three. Even the gifts were more overwhelming than exciting at two. I could have gotten her two empty boxes for her second Christmas and she would be fine. She didn't know to ask for things until her fourth Christmas and how has the hang of that fully at almost five ;). So I wouldn't worry that your DS is going to imprint on the holiday this year--it might not go how you expect even if MIL isn't there.

[hellokitty]

IDK, I don't like my mil, but if I were you, I would maybe try to take advantage of the situation. Let her come for christmas. Let her have her fancy christmas... that SHE is totally in charge of. I know that you feel like it would spoil your dd's first christmas, but honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. I would basically play the pregnancy card, BUT while she is here. Let her do everything. That is the way it should be, and maybe this will be a reality check for her too, that when she comes to your house, she shouldn't be like a non-familiy houseguest, she should act like a family member, who helps out. I also think that by letting her come over for xmas, that it gives you a chance to defer her visit after you have the baby. IDK, I know it sucks, I would not be happy either. However, I think that you could turn this around to your advantage and I think that after her experiencing what it is like to have to help out, this may help your situation in the future, where she will think twice before just visiting as often. Make it less of a vacation for her is what I am basically hinting at.

[KLD313]

I totally agree. You are going to be very pregnant and a houseguest is work. You need to nest, take care of yourself and do what works for you. It is too much and I doubt she will want to delay the baby visit. I am really surprised by the accommodations people will make for MILs. We have a united front and when pregnant, the mom to be has priority. Hope you can have a quiet Christmas. You are not being selfish, she is by asking to overstay and not consider how hard it is to have a houseguest, even nice houseguest.


I agree with this and ArizonaGirl. I'm surprised people are saying you're being selfish I don't think you are at all and your MIL sounds terrible. I would cancel her Christmas trip and postpone the baby visit because I would not want to be stressing about her reactions to my new baby. Good luck.

[BabyBearsMom]

I think you are totally justified in not wanting her there. But I think saying "no" to her visit could cause you issues down the line. With my MIL, if i did that, DH would never hear the end of how "Your wife doesn't let me see my grandbabies." or "Your wife doesn't welcome me into her home." I prefer my own discomfort for a few days to dealing with the aftermath of things with my MIL. Especially if my DH wanted her to come because then he won't defend me whole heartedly later. If we both agree that something isn't going to work, he will go to the mat for me 100-percent, but if i am the one making the call and he disagrees he will stand up for me but not in the way he needs to, if he is going to shut my MIL down. I would probably set rules with my DH, and he would encourage my MIL to help. I would probably ask DH to hire a cleaner to come in before she gets here and after she leaves b/c I would not be in a condition to manage that. I would also state that I am not cooking any large meals, so we will pick up Christmas dinner from Whole Foods or MIL will need to cook etc.

[smilequeen]

My ILs can drive me a little nuts, but I would NEVER EVER tell them not to come. They are my husband's family. My children's grandparents. So long as they are not toxic, I will never tell them not to come visit. It is stressful and difficult and I've done it (MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, and DNephew all in my house when I was due in early Feb). I pulled the pregnant card by taking little "naps" and delegating responsibility. I know it sucks, but they are family. My kids love having them here, even if it changes my idea of what a perfect Christmas is like. I will have a full house here again this year, for a full week, so I feel for you, I really do. But it's family. I suck it up. My husband's family is NOT less important than mine.

So, I personally think it's more selfish to want to keep family out than for you MIL to want to see hers at Christmas...I'm sure there are things she could do better. Things that would make her less annoying. But that's family.

[alootikki]

I have completely been there with a MIL who drives me crazy and is hard to be around. Just being in the same room as MIL would raise my blood pressure and put me on edge. When DS was born (and DD was 2), MIL/FIL wanted to come and stay for a week to "play with the baby" (they live two hours away and were typically coming for day or one-night visits). I/DH basically said no, and three years later I regret that. Not because they would have been helpful or caring in any way - but because they are grandparents, and now I feel badly that I made them feel unwelcome in their son's home. I would feel awful if DS has a baby, and my future DIL does not want me to come and visit. I try to use that perspective in dealing with them now, and it helps me to be more forgiving and welcoming.

All of this is to say - let your MIL visit. Don't lift a finger. Put her in a hotel if that's easier. Do things your way. But let her come and be welcome in your home - just don't cater to her.

[Clarity]

I totally agree. You are going to be very pregnant and a houseguest is work. You need to nest, take care of yourself and do what works for you. It is too much and I doubt she will want to delay the baby visit. I am really surprised by the accommodations people will make for MILs. We have a united front and when pregnant, the mom to be has priority. Hope you can have a quiet Christmas. You are not being selfish, she is by asking to overstay and not consider how hard it is to have a houseguest, even nice houseguest.

I'm with HA on this but I do not have warm fuzzies for my MIL. I try to honor my dh's wishes but MIL comes and stays in a hotel. She hates it but that's how I want it - I need the break from her strangeness. I try not interfere with her relationship with her son, I want them to have a good strong mother/son relationship. I also try to foster a good relationship with my dd's - as long as she doesn't overstep her role. But I create the boundaries. It's my house, my family - MIL & my parents have no "right" to anything except their relationship with dh or I. Everything else is a privilege.

As for pp, you really need to talk to your dh. Tell him three visits is in the current time frame is just too much with you being very pregnant and then managing a newborn with a dd1 in the house too. Ask him how you could spread them out more and let him help work that out with you. Does he realize how oddly she behaved the last time when dd1 was born? You need to talk to him so that he's helping make the decisions and communicating them to your MIL. You are important and while visiting with mom is great, what's best for you right now is also very important. Good luck!

[HannaAddict]

My ILs can drive me a little nuts, but I would NEVER EVER tell them not to come. They are my husband's family. My children's grandparents. So long as they are not toxic, I will never tell them not to come visit. It is stressful and difficult and I've done it (MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, and DNephew all in my house when I was due in early Feb). I pulled the pregnant card by taking little "naps" and delegating responsibility. I know it sucks, but they are family. My kids love having them here, even if it changes my idea of what a perfect Christmas is like. I will have a full house here again this year, for a full week, so I feel for you, I really do. But it's family. I suck it up. My husband's family is NOT less important than mine.

So, I personally think it's more selfish to want to keep family out than for you MIL to want to see hers at Christmas...I'm sure there are things she could do better. Things that would make her less annoying. But that's family.

I hope you don't think that I think the in-laws are less important than the OP's own family. In our case, the rule would be the same for either sides' family. We are equal opportunity in setting boundaries and doing what is best for our immediate family (us, our kids) than what other family member would "like" to do or that want to impose on us. As my husband says sort of joking, they aren't "in the circle" and that is just the way it is. My mom is deceased and she was "in the circle" and wouldn't have tried to impose what she wants on us to meet her needs, she would do what was helpful for us, it wasn't about her. With other family members, it can be about what they want, not considering what the mom-to-be needs. If you like/love your family including in-laws and invite them to come, and you are up to hosting, that is great. But it isn't selfish to decline someone inviting themselves, especially if one is pregnant. At least in my opinion. (FWIW, my MIL is toxic and we keep her at arms' length, info on a need to know basis, and stick to light chit chat no matter what questions she asks. My SIL tried to be the dutiful DIL and let me MIL fly down after her c-section, with husband in Iraq when it was bad, and my MIL was a nightmare (and they were great buddies before, I've always been the black hat DIL). My SIL called me crying after locking herself in the bathroom with her baby. Similar to what others have posted, MIL had taken the baby and wouldn't give her back while baby screamed. She didn't cook or help clean, just wanted to take the baby, try and feed her formula (nursing newborn) and let my poor SIL do extra laundry etc. I could write a novel of things my MIL has done, mostly to the other DILs as we took notes before we had kids of her crazy to my older SIL and grandkids, and so guard our boundaries. My husband is on the same page, not doing it to appease me. ) I wish it was different, but even with people you like, sometimes houseguests over the holidays or when pregnant are just too much and it should be okay to say so and not suffer because someone else wants you to host them, even family.

[Corie]

I think you can do whatever you want for the holidays!! I would have no problem telling the MIL not to come for Christmas. You are very pregnant
and I can totally understand wanting a very chilled-out holiday.

[smilequeen]

We are all different.

I put a serious premium on extended family. To me Christmas is all about family, extended family included. I also take some different measure when pregnant, but I don't consider myself to be all that special while pregnant. Take an extra nap. Yes. Stay home while they all go out. Yes. Tell them not to come because I'm pregnant though, just no...not something I would do. I just would not tell my husband's family to stay away during Christmas, I wouldn't. Ever. I'd be more inclined to tell them to wait longer after the birth than to not see extended family at Christma

[o_mom]

My ILs can drive me a little nuts, but I would NEVER EVER tell them not to come. They are my husband's family. My children's grandparents. So long as they are not toxic, I will never tell them not to come visit. It is stressful and difficult and I've done it (MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, and DNephew all in my house when I was due in early Feb). I pulled the pregnant card by taking little "naps" and delegating responsibility. I know it sucks, but they are family. My kids love having them here, even if it changes my idea of what a perfect Christmas is like. I will have a full house here again this year, for a full week, so I feel for you, I really do. But it's family. I suck it up. My husband's family is NOT less important than mine.

So, I personally think it's more selfish to want to keep family out than for you MIL to want to see hers at Christmas...I'm sure there are things she could do better. Things that would make her less annoying. But that's family.

I kind of agree. Maybe it's being a mom of all boys that makes me see the MIL side of things here. I don't get a 'toxic' vibe from the OP at all, just a bit annoying. I would tell her up front that it's going to be a laid back, Fisher Price, American holiday at your house. Maybe you can plan some outings for her with DH & DD - see the lights, living nativity, etc. Something that fits her idea of the proper holiday and you can stay at home with hot cocoa.

I would then postpone the post-baby visit unless she really wants to see the baby right away and then I would tell her it needs to be a short visit, in a hotel (would be great if the baby was moving into the guest room?) but she can come back at 6-8 weeks or so and have a longer visit. She may take that opportunity to move the post-baby visit out.

[o_mom]

We are all different.

I put a serious premium on extended family. To me Christmas is all about family, extended family included. I also take some different measure when pregnant, but I don't consider myself to be all that special while pregnant. Take an extra nap. Yes. Stay home while they all go out. Yes. Tell them not to come because I'm pregnant though, just no...not something I would do. I just would not tell my husband's family to stay away during Christmas, I wouldn't. Ever. I'd be more inclined to tell them to wait longer after the birth than to not see extended family at Christma

:yeahthat: And I had a seriously crazy MIL - not toxic, but just crazy.

[Mopey]

I haven't chimed in before because it has been interesting to read everyone's thoughts...... Also, I've lately had some experience with feeling crappy when I realize the whole preferred side of the family thing and have been trying to include my ILs more because of it.

That being said.....I don't think the whole 12 years thing is your fault, it's hers. I think what you described she said and did with DD1 is completely awful and heartbreaking. As for what to do, I agree that you must have your hubby completely on board first. As pp said, have her and do your Christmas. After that, I would frankly wait until the baby is two months or more for that visit. That would be the best way to handle it IMHO. I also agree you aren't being selfish at all. I have no idea where this idea come from that all relatives should be catered to, and shown kindness, even when they're completely sh!tty to you. I agree with a PP about the privilege....life is too short to be treated badly - especially by family. (ETA: To be fair, this is something I have to take to heart too.)

Luck to you Flashy!! :hug:

[NJ_Mom2011]

I haven't chimed in before because it has been interesting to read everyone's thoughts...... Also, I've lately had some experience with feeling crappy when I realize the whole preferred side of the family thing and have been trying to include my ILs more because of it.

That being said.....I don't think the whole 12 years thing is your fault, it's hers. I think what you described she said and did with DD1 is completely awful and heartbreaking. As for what to do, I agree that you must have your hubby completely on board first. As pp said, have her and do your Christmas. After that, I would frankly wait until the baby is two months or more for that visit. That would be the best way to handle it IMHO. I also agree you aren't being selfish at all. I have no idea where this idea come from that all relatives should be catered to, and shown kindness, even when they're completely sh!tty to you. I agree with a PP about the privilege....life is too short to be treated badly - especially by family. (ETA: To be fair, this is something I have to take to heart too.)

Luck to you Flashy!! :hug:

:yeahthat: This is good advice, especially having her come when the baby is 2 mos old. I also repeat the sentiment, you are not selfish at all. Your MIL's behavior when your eldest was born was just horrid.

I don't know if you are having an easy or difficult pregnancy. Especially if you are having a difficult pregnancy, it would be understandable if you don't want her at Christmas.

[flashy09]

Thanks for all the replies! I think the real issue is just my resentment with MIL. Now I have a bona fide excuse (late pregnancy) and I feel like I want to use this one time pass! But perhaps that's not fair and that's what I am trying to figure out. She makes snide comments quite a bit - DD is named for a tree and MIL will say things like she resembles the trunk, not the leaf or tell her that drinking milk will make her belly fat. She's 23 months and totally normal weight. Or that my views on safety/food/life "are adorable" and then disregard (i.e., I tell her that I am looking forward to sushi, runny eggs, rare meat when not pregnant and she laughs and makes a raw egg cake for DH's birthday). She hated the pacifier and once I sent her a picture of DD smiling at 3 months old and she wrote back asking if her mouth was deformed because of the pacifier - there is nothing wrong with her mouth and in my hormonal state, that really hurt my feelings. She said DD's hands are too big, her nose is too upturned, her ears too big, her chin is "runaway" (meaning weak. It isn't but that is besides the point), etc. A lot of that was the first few days after DD was born and she has been better since towards her. But very mean to me on a couple of other visits. The last one was fine though, but I still feel a bit resentful. So it probably has less to do with pregnancy and more to do with a chance to "get away" with saying no. But is that too unfair to DH and DD (she does play with her and DD is obviously unaware of the mean things said)?? I go back and forth!

I think she would accept Xmas better than not seeing the new baby. She seems really into seeing the grandchildren right away. I suggested last time that she wait and she replied that babies change so much she didn't want to miss seeing her just arrived. Whereas Christmas she is used to not being all together.

When I talk to DH about it, he blows it off and says "oh, that's just her, she's very direct." He doesn't want to get in a fight with her because he doesn't see her that much so he tries to ignore anything unpleasant. He told me last year that I should stand up for myself more and when I did, it was a disaster (our first actual raised voices/fight).

Another thing to consider for DH's side is that originally we were going to move back to her farm. For so many reasons, we are not doing that now. So now I feel like I really can't say no to any visits since I have taken him away from his family in the first place. Like I can't say we don't move there AND you can't see them when you/they want. Which I don't, in general, but was hoping to this once!


Anyway, I have probably said too much. I don't know if she is considered toxic, but she hurts my feelings a lot.

It would be so easy if she just picked up on the quiet Christmas/getting ready for baby vibe and didn't pick this year to suddenly want to come. I really don't want my rejecting her hanging over my conscience and I really don't want her here either!

[MMMommy]

I think I've changed my perspective a little after reading more posts. I think I would let MIL come for Xmas, but have it be known to her up front (via DH, not you) that it would be a very laid back Xmas. I wouldn't expect or ask MIL to be helpful or to do work, but I would make sure MIL understood that you are not going to go out of your way to cater to her. You are pregnant and deserve some R&R before the baby arrives. Your family should not have to wake up just because she wakes up. So perhaps DH could talk to her about taking it easy in the morning. I would delay the newborn visit until you feel ready for her visit, and I would have her come for Xmas.

[Mopey]

I don't have anything to add Flashy, except a lot a lot a lot of :hug: I can't believe what your has said MIL. Who the hell can tell what a chin will look like a few days after being born??!! Madness.

[BunnyBee]

Baby's chins are supposed to be less prominent. It aids them in nursing. And the rest...just jaw dropping.

Your MIL is cruel. She needs to learn to STFU before DD is old enough to hear and internalize her awfulness.

[fivi2]

She sounds like a nightmare!

My general policy is that I don't stop people from coming, but I set very firm rules. And I communicate those rules. You get one warning, in case you weren't sure what I was referring to when I said no nasty comments, etc. After that, you cannot stay in my home. You may go to a hotel and come over for short supervised visits, but if you break the rules, you will again be asked to leave.

That rule applies to all members of both sides of the family. I will not stop anyone from coming, but I will stop the nasty treatment of me and my family. If you can't be nice, you can take your unpleasant self elsewhere!

Good luck!

[fedoragirl]

Another thing to consider for DH's side is that originally we were going to move back to her farm. For so many reasons, we are not doing that now. So now I feel like I really can't say no to any visits since I have taken him away from his family in the first place. Like I can't say we don't move there AND you can't see them when you/they want. Which I don't, in general, but was hoping to this once!




Just wanted to address this. You have a family, a unit of your own with your DH and your DC. You are not taking him away from his family unless you're giving ultimatums. Your DH is an adult and has chosen to be with you and build a family together with you. If they are unkind to his and your children, then that needs to be discussed or the relationship needs to be terminated. I am sure it not need be as drastic as that. However, when my mother started commenting on DD's looks, I came down very hard on her. I told her that she would never discuss anything regarding appearances in front of me or my DC. I also told MIL through DH that she would not make any remarks about DD's hands or feet (she constantly commented on how big they were). I asked DH to send an email about FIL using the word, "sexy" in front of my toddler and to describe her when she was older. I told them I wouldn't let them see their grandkids if they kept talking like this. And I was serious. You have to ask your DH is he will allow these disparaging comments from anyone else. Ask him how your DC are going to feel about whatever they are being criticized for as they get older. BTW, children can sense and understand a lot more than you think. I am sure you know that.
Your MIL has said unforgiveable things about your child. Would you let anyone else say that about your kid? So, you're only bearing with her because she's your DH's mother?

[mackmama]

You know everyone involved best, but I wonder how this would go over - 'mil, you know we love you, and I'd like you to visit over Christmas. Dh and the kids would love it. But I need to be very up front with you. I'm not going to be feeling frisky and fun. I want a very low key, pajama clad holiday. I'm very willing to have you if you're willing to be relaxed. I warn you now, though, that with the hormones I'm not willing to do things any way but mine this year.'

Just thinking that if you lay your cards out to her & DH, and have them both agree to a certain vibe, that if she's unable to maintain it he can suggest the holiday is over.

:yeahthat: :yeahthat: I love this and think it's perfect. Otherwise - tell her no! Honestly life is just too short. I'm not meaning to sound glib - but it sounds like you will see her soon enough anyway, and you could say that it's really important for you to have a holiday with your DH however you want it before the baby arrives. I'd also be telling DH not to agree to plans (much less holiday plans) until you guys have discussed and are on the same page.

[alexsmommy]

Whoa. Ok, back on your side. Yeah, she burned some serious bridges with her poor/mean behavior. I was assuming "normal" annoying, not mean, disparaging, condescending and hurtful. That's a different issue and pregnant or not, you need some control on how much she is in your home.
Definitely talk to your DH. I'd still try to push off the new baby visit until you are not as hormonal and tired. There are lots of means for her to virtually "see" the baby for the first month. Daily Skype sessions etc.
Good luck.

[mackmama]

Ok I just had to pipe back up because I just read your post where you gave examples of your MIL's behavior. Her words and behaviors are unacceptable. They are cruel and disrespectful and just plain wrong. I am so sorry you've been tolerating this type of situation. Even though your DH doesn't want to stand up to his mother and draw some very needed boundaries (which he should be doing), does he at least understand how wrong his mom's acting? I also have IL issues where DH hasn't had my back, so I understand the tension. If I were you, I'd tell DH that you will personally be drawing some very clear lines directly with her the next time she says or does something like in the past (and then follow through calmly, clearly, and firmly). You are also not being unkind or taking your DH away from his family. As a PP said, you and your DH are a unit and a family, and both your DH and MIL need to accept and respect this - including that MIL may not always be included or welcome even if DH wants her there. It has to work for both of you. ((hugs))

[carolinacool]

Whoa. Ok, back on your side. Yeah, she burned some serious bridges with her poor/mean behavior. I was assuming "normal" annoying, not mean, disparaging, condescending and hurtful. That's a different issue and pregnant or not, you need some control on how much she is in your home.
etc.

I completely agree. This is way off-kilter and there needs to be boundaries.

That said, my parents never really ask if they can stay with us. They just say they're coming to town and they tell us whether they are staying here or at a hotel, and I say OK. LOL But it goes the other way, too. I tell them when we are coming and to clean up my bedroom. :ROTFLMAO: But so much depends on the family dynamics. Your MIL sounds pretty dreadful.

[smilequeen]

I completely agree. This is way off-kilter and there needs to be boundaries.

That said, my parents never really ask if they can stay with us. They just say they're coming to town and they tell us whether they are staying here or at a hotel, and I say OK. LOL But it goes the other way, too. I tell them when we are coming and to clean up my bedroom. :ROTFLMAO: But so much depends on the family dynamics. Your MIL sounds pretty dreadful.

Yes, the extended information is definitely a shift. She sounds mean, toxic, not just irritating. I'd feel more comfortable saying no to that. I only have to deal with irritating.

[Tondi G]

She is not "direct" she is hurtful and mean. Your DH needs to talk to his mother about her choice of words about his wife and his child. I still think that you should have the freedom to say no and that being hugely pregnant is a valid excuse for not wanting to have houseguests over a holiday. If you do decide to say yes I agree with the poster that said you should make it very clear to her your plans for the holiday and that if she is expecting something different than she might want to consider going elsewhere for Christmas. It's not going to be about Mass and a fancy meal .... you have a toddler this year ... this year it's all about HER and the magic of Father Christmas/ Santa!!!!

[HannaAddict]

I got the toxic vibe from the first posts bu OP, and with the behavior of insisting on being there without being invited is telling as well. I never thought there would be a chance in heck of calling off MIL's brand new baby visit, from how she sounds. Her insisting isn't loving behavior. The OP isn't taking her husband away from his family, he's a grown man and married, and has a family of his own now. Extended family don't get to be awful just because they are "family." We see extended family, do obligatory family gatherings that would t be our first choice, and meet our obligations. I just don't see having uninvited guests as a legitimate obligation for a pregnant DIL or a non-pregnant one for that matter. It would much harder to deal with all this and it sounds like many other posters have a delicate line to walk with their husbands and MILs. I literally would not have married my husband if he hadn't been aware of how his mom is and willing to set boundaries. We watched my MIL interfere in two of his brothers' marriages and watched her turn on the DILs when they didn't tow the line and even more
so when they caved in to her demands. We got our MIL issues out while dating! :) We are letting them come to our vacation home for Thanksgiving but have a 48 hr and several bottle of wine limit. Good luck to OP, she's in a hard place but setting limits can be done and is healthy.

[flashy09]

I should have said more in the first post. I just wanted to see if it was an easy "of course, I say no all the time, especially if trying to stock up on sleep" type thing where I didn't need to dive further into her behavior. That's why I just listed the minor annoyances and hoped that was enough, but then realized I really did sound selfish and rude. It was nice to finally vent! I haven't even told my Mom (although she did get a phone call asking if it was possible to legally change the baby's name, lol) most of it because I don't want any more tension between family sides. I do like the rest of his family a lot!

Those first few days were really interesting and helped me understand why she hadn't been very nice to me either. I truly think she has some sort of Freudian like complex with DH and is jealous of him loving other women. When DD wasn't a boy that looked just DH, I think she was disappointed and when he showed "obsessive love" she got very jealous. It was so weird, she seemed to almost make fun of DH for being involved and in the same room when I gave birth (got one of her huge laughs when she came just before DD was born and we were going to child birth class - "what does DH have to do with that?") and when I showed her a picture of Dh holding DD's finger while she was getting cleaned up is when she made the obsessive love comment.

But she was so much better this recent trip. She played with DD and was complimentary about her. No heated discussions over anything non DD related either. So does that mean I also need to move on? Can I keep harboring resentment over past visits or should I go by most recent behavior and just really law down the law?

Sorry to keep asking the same question over and over again. I am just writing what I am thinking, I know it's repetitive. I have read the replies and they are so helpful. I hope it doesn't seem like I haven't taken in what posters have said since I keep going on about it.

[pinkmomagain]

If you have seen improvement in your MILs behavior, then I think I would try to give her the benefit of the doubt and try to let go of some of your past resentment. Hopefully she has enjoyed some personal growth and is in the process of mending her ways to the best of her abilities. I know I would want people to try to focus on my present behaviors rather than those in the past.

[azzeps]

I do not like your mother-in-law. She is awful. I'm sorry. :(

[baymom]

I don't think you will ever forget or maybe forgive your MIL for her awfulness towards you, but just simply FOR YOU, it will make your life better to try to move on. Think of it this way, she has already clouded your DD's birth experience a bit, for you. She took what could have been a special and loving family moment and ruined it. Don't give her that power anymore. When she says something awful, just think she's unbalanced and try not to give her the power to hurt you. Much easier said than done, I know.

I do think that you should let her come. She is your DH's mother and the grandmother of your DC. Like a PP shared, you may someday regret not letting her come. Also, this way, she can never say you didn't welcome her to your home. You took the high road. Still, if it were me (and I've done this a lot when my ILs come), I'd find lots of reasons to not be home. You mentioned your Mom lives nearby....go there a lot and find some calm and peace during the holidays. Just because she's visiting, doesn't mean you need to be with her 24/7, if she's unpleasant. If anything, at least you will have some good stories at the end of all of this. Your whole situation sounds so hard and stressful-- I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Hang in there!

[niccig]

She sounds like my mother. Mum came for DS's birth and it was Christmas. I told her straight that we would NOT be having a big Christmas. We kept it low key and I organized dinner through Whole Foods, which turned out to be good as I went into labor Christmas Eve and DS was born Christmas Day. They came back for Christmas when DS was 3yo and this time it was more difficult fight, but I kept Christmas our way. My house, my Christmas. If you don't like it, don't visit. They have not visited since and DS is nearly 9 - some of that is money, some of it is difficulty of traveling overseas and some of it is mum wants control. I consider it their loss. I don't regret drawing a line.

My advice if you do decide for her to come, is to decide with DH how you will do things, tell her upfront, and don't back down when she gets there and wants things differently. If there is a vacuum of ideas, my mother will take over. So, now when we visit her, I make a list of things we want to do with them and without them, so there is no space for mum to expand and fill. Visits are much more pleasant.

[fedoragirl]

My advice if you do decide for her to come, is to decide with DH how you will do things, tell her upfront, and don't back down when she gets there and wants things differently. If there is a vacuum of ideas, my mother will take over. So, now when we visit her, I make a list of things we want to do with them and without them, so there is no space for mum to expand and fill. Visits are much more pleasant.

This was the best advice I got from niccig regarding my own mother's visits. It has helped me keep my sanity. Definitely plan everything. I feel so sorry that you're in this place simply because I can understand.

[Mopey]

Flashy, I will just tell you that before we were even engaged I had a dream where my MIL wanted my hubby for herself (made some comment, can't remember now). I told him. We laughed but said....hey, it's possibly with crappy FIL.

And lo and behold, about a year ago she actually said it!!!!!!! Literally said, "you would be such a great husband for me."

I know she didn't mean it in a gross way, but he's her favorite who has been around the most and kindest to her.....and she sees what a great hubby he is. I will say she is a wonderful help and comparatively a totally fab MIL. But that kind of thing is sad and weird. And it happens a lot I think.

More :hug: Miss Mopey just woke up, gotta run!!

ETA quickly - it sounds like his dad is gone, and that makes the possessiveness more likely IMHO (same as a crappy hubby too).

[AnnieW625]

We are all different.

I put a serious premium on extended family. To me Christmas is all about family, extended family included. I also take some different measure when pregnant, but I don't consider myself to be all that special while pregnant. Take an extra nap. Yes. Stay home while they all go out. Yes. Tell them not to come because I'm pregnant though, just no...not something I would do. I just would not tell my husband's family to stay away during Christmas, I wouldn't. Ever. I'd be more inclined to tell them to wait longer after the birth than to not see extended family at Christma

I agree with this as well. My ILs, myself, and my DH have had our share of disagreements in the 16 yrs. DH and I have been together but I really think this above statement is be true for us as well. My kids need to know that they have two sets of grandparents and history that comes with it and I don't want my kids to not have that.

[mommy111]

I'm huge on family and being kind and gracious to them but I can see how hard it may be when you're pregnant to also be the host. While I think you probably can't say no to the visit, can you have the in-laws and your mom help a lot when she visits? Like have someone else do the meal and keep up the relaxed vibe? Having had a couple of exhausting pregnancies, I can see how someone may not be all that into entertaining when pregnant

[niccig]

This was the best advice I got from niccig regarding my own mother's visits. It has helped me keep my sanity. Definitely plan everything. I feel so sorry that you're in this place simply because I can understand.

Glad the advice worked. On my last trip home to see my parents, I sent a list of things DS wanted to do. Some of it was day trips (go to beach), others were at home (bake with Granny). I get there, and my parents had printed out the list and activities we ticked off as we did them. I was :47:

OP, I would work out what you want to do on any of her visits, incorporate some things you know she likes eg. ask her to make 1 special dish. But you present it as "I've got Christmas dinner all worked out, but DH really wants you to make x. Your x is so delicious. I've bought the ingredients, let me know when it's best time for you to make x. I'm so looking forward to eating x." If she brings up Christmas dinner, you say "Oh, I'm looking forward to your x." And you don't discuss anything else that's on the menu.