How to get a 3 year old to listen (and other woes)

[AnimalBabe]

So, this year has been pretty rough on me. A miscarriage when I was pretty far along I think set me off into a depression which maybe I had before too, that just worsened. I work part time and feel like I constantly have my hands full, even when I'm at home. On my days off I am trying to get done housework that never seems to end, and honestly feel like I do 85% of the work at least. My husband helps on weekends with dishes but I do mostly all of the laundry, cooking, even yard work these days (including mowing which I never used to do!). In all fairness, he wants to be a writer so he tries to get in a few hrs each day the weekend working on a novel, and although I try to be supportive, sometimes I just feel plain resentful. I never have any time to myself, never go out really to just be alone or go shopping for myself. I spend at a minimum 9 hours commuting each week, even though I only work 3 days. I have a cold myself too, after taking care of our little guy during his cold, on top of my PMS, and I guess and feeling pretty resentful that I never get a chance to recuperate due to constant work (in and out of the house), lack of sleep, and the constant battles around here.

Now granted I do have PMS today, but today was particularly rough for me and I found myself literally screaming at my 3 year old who is the sweetest little guy I've ever met. I just don't know how to get him to listen, and was hoping for some advice. Maybe everything he does is normal for this age, or maybe he's just strong willed, but I have no baseline since he's our first. Don't get me wrong, sometimes he does listen.. but we were outside this morning, for example, and a school bus came barreling up the street and I yelled for him to get on the sidewalk and instead he ran into the street to get his toy! I was so freaked out and annoyed. Then comes nap time today, I've found myself laying next to him to try to get him to sleep (which seems to work lately) but he was just playing around so I told him I was leaving and he had to take his nap....but he won't even stay in his room! I know some kids give up their naps, but honestly he was exhausted since he recently got over a bad cold, and was rubbing his eyes. He WAS tired but he won't stay in his room even for quiet time (I have tried telling him he can just read in there but he won't stay in the room). He does this at bedtime now too, I have to walk him back to his room about 8 times. I feel so burnt out, and was I guess just hoping you all could provide some advice or tell me if your kids this age do the same thing b/c I'm not sure if he is trying to goof around all the time, try to outsmart us, or I don't know, maybe has ADHD? I'm just running on empty and I loathe myself when I yell and get so upset that I feel myself losing control.

[BabyBearsMom]

This is very normal behavior for my 3 year old, and from talking to our friends, I think it is the standard across the board. We are starting a behavior chart for DD1 to work on these behaviors. DH and I sat down to brainstorm on what behaviors we thought it was reasonable to request of DD1 and decided:
1. She needs to not have tantrums when I am dropping her off at school in the morning
2. She needs to get into the car when DH picks her up intead of trying to run around the parking lot (Hard to chase after her with DD2 in tow)
3. She needs to eat her dinner without us having to count out bites and remind her to eat constantly
4. She needs to go to bed and stay in bed at night (she doesn't nap already so nap isn't an issue for us)

Then we talked to DD1 about the behavior chart, we talked about what behavior was expected and we role played it a little with her to make sure she understood the expectations. Then we talked about what kind of prizes she would get. We agreed that for each of the tasks she completes each day she gets one small sticker. If she fills in all the stickers for that day, she gets on big shiny special sticker for the day. If she has a special sticker for each day of the week, she gets to choose a prize from the "treasure chest." The prizes are anything from 5 pennies to put in her piggie bank, an outfit for a doll, a new book, and a bunch of little crap from the dollar bins at Target. I just printed out the chart last night, so we are starting on Saturday but DD1 can't wait. This morning at drop off she says "I am being so good right now to practice for when we start my chart!!"

I know this wasn't the question, but I think you need to talk to your DH about fitting in some "me" time. I feel way over extended as well (WOH FT, 2 kids, whole 9 yards). We ended up making some major life changes. I left my job and took a job closer to home. DH changed his work schedule as well. We made these changes so I could fit in a workout every morning. Also, on the weekends, we alternate giving each other some downtime. So this weekend, I am having lunch with some friends and going to a craft fair. Next weekend, DH is meeting a friend to hit golf balls at the driving range. It's just 2 or 3 hours but it really helps. We also try to get a sitter to have a date night at least once every other month (ideally, I'd like to do once a month, but that is tough). And if you think you are in a depression, I would really consider talking to your doctor.

[petesgirl]

So, this year has been pretty rough on me. A miscarriage when I was pretty far along I think set me off into a depression which maybe I had before too, that just worsened. I work part time and feel like I constantly have my hands full, even when I'm at home. On my days off I am trying to get done housework that never seems to end, and honestly feel like I do 85% of the work at least. My husband helps on weekends with dishes but I do mostly all of the laundry, cooking, even yard work these days (including mowing which I never used to do!). In all fairness, he wants to be a writer so he tries to get in a few hrs each day the weekend working on a novel, and although I try to be supportive, sometimes I just feel plain resentful. I never have any time to myself, never go out really to just be alone or go shopping for myself. I spend at a minimum 9 hours commuting each week, even though I only work 3 days. I have a cold myself too, after taking care of our little guy during his cold, on top of my PMS, and I guess and feeling pretty resentful that I never get a chance to recuperate due to constant work (in and out of the house), lack of sleep, and the constant battles around here.

Now granted I do have PMS today, but today was particularly rough for me and I found myself literally screaming at my 3 year old who is the sweetest little guy I've ever met. I just don't know how to get him to listen, and was hoping for some advice. Maybe everything he does is normal for this age, or maybe he's just strong willed, but I have no baseline since he's our first. Don't get me wrong, sometimes he does listen.. but we were outside this morning, for example, and a school bus came barreling up the street and I yelled for him to get on the sidewalk and instead he ran into the street to get his toy! I was so freaked out and annoyed. Then comes nap time today, I've found myself laying next to him to try to get him to sleep (which seems to work lately) but he was just playing around so I told him I was leaving and he had to take his nap....but he won't even stay in his room! I know some kids give up their naps, but honestly he was exhausted since he recently got over a bad cold, and was rubbing his eyes. He WAS tired but he won't stay in his room even for quiet time (I have tried telling him he can just read in there but he won't stay in the room). He does this at bedtime now too, I have to walk him back to his room about 8 times. I feel so burnt out, and was I guess just hoping you all could provide some advice or tell me if your kids this age do the same thing b/c I'm not sure if he is trying to goof around all the time, try to outsmart us, or I don't know, maybe has ADHD? I'm just running on empty and I loathe myself when I yell and get so upset that I feel myself losing control.

I don't have a lot of advice but... This sounds a lot like my life right now!! I'm so, so sorry about your miscarriage. I can only imagine how hard that would be. And I TOTALLY get the resentment you feel. There are days when I resent DH just because he gets to leave the house and go do something meaningful and important. I have to stop myself often and remind myself that being a mommy is so, so important. But it is dang hard! Try to cut yourself some slack until everyone gets feeling better (use paper plates to cut down on dishes for a while!)
And I know this isn't popular here, but we finally resorted to locking DS's door for bedtime. He cries for 10 mins and then falls asleep. It literally went from 2 hrs of him crying that ended in me yelling at him to 10 mins. And everyone is so much happier around here. We unlock it right before we go to bed and if he wakes up he comes to our room and we walk him back to bed. You could try a baby gate at his door to keep him in to start with. As far as getting toddlers to listen--still working on that!!

[AnimalBabe]

Thank you both for your replies. I really appreciate it. BabyBearsMom, I love that idea and will try to work on one myself. Mealtimes are definitely hard as well now, ever since we dropped the booster seat. He eats literally three bites and says "I'm done! now I get TV." It's ridiculous. I tell him he has to sit with us until we are all finished, and then he gradually eats a bit more, but it's definitely frustrating. And the running thru the parking lot thing resonates here. LOL. My husband said he screamed/threw a tantrum for 15 mins not he way home one day b/c he tried running around in the parking lot and that's one thing that's not negotiable.

Petesgirl, I actually told my husband we need to turn the doorknob around and make it so we can lock him in. I hesitate to do so as maybe it's a fire hazard or something, but I'm at my wits end. As it is, if I lock it from the inside he knows how to unlock it and still runs out! Clever little bugger.

I'm sure all this is pretty normal for a 3 year old, I'm just feeling totally exhausted. I don't have family living overly close to us, and I feel like I'm doing it all myself sometimes. Sometimes feeling like I'm a single parent! I wonder if I should go get something for depression, but then wonder "maybe every mom feels like this sometimes?" I'm not sure anymore.

[fedoragirl]

I agree with the others about this being normal 3 year old behavior. I think we went through a rough time when DD had newly turned 3. I didn't recognize her! Now, we're navigating things much better because of 2 key things I learned about myself.
1. My kids sense my levels of stress and emulate my behavior. So for example, mornings are stressful as I have to get both kids out the door, drop off DD at preschool, etc. When I tell them to hurry and act stressed, they seem to dig their heels in some more. I have learned to stay calm (and yes, you do need to work on it) and things get done faster and without huge meltdowns.
2. I talk to DD about any transitions, big events, and expectations. This has helped her to know what to expect and tantrums have reduced to minimum. For example, if we have to stop watching TV (I limit screen time), then I start telling her 5 min. ahead of time.

DD dropped her nap at 3 but she stays in her room reading and doing quiet activities. It is her choice whether she sleeps or not. Sometimes, we do suffer for leaving that decision up to her, but I just adjust bed time the day she's super tired and I can see a tantrum coming. We also have a baby gate in front of her room which keeps her contained.
I highly recommend http://www.amazon.com/Positive-Discipline-Preschoolers-Years--Raising-Responsible-ebook/dp/B000OVLKEK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1383855108&sr=8-1&keywords=positive+preschooler . I don't agree with everything mentioned in that book but a lot of stuff rings true for us. I really liked the practical and easy-to-follow examples in this book. I often read parenting books that are geared for older kids and it gets frustrating.

[Blue Hydrangea]

I wonder if I should go get something for depression, but then wonder "maybe every mom feels like this sometimes?" I'm not sure anymore.

Depression isn't normal. Every mom feels overwhelmed sometimes, but if you are having trouble functioning because depression is making everything harder and taking away your energy and ability to deal with daily life, it's time to see someone so you can start taking care of it. Do you have health insurance? You could start by calling them and finding out what your policy covers and get a list of providers. :hug:

[mackmama]

Just a thought but how about bringing back the booster seat for a while during meals? Our 3yo is still in a booster for meals. I think there is something to be said for knowing your child's (and your own) limits and maybe your DC isn't quite ready for no booster? Might at least make meals a bit easier for you. Hang in there.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk (http://tapatalk.com/m?id=1)

[AnimalBabe]

Depression isn't normal. Every mom feels overwhelmed sometimes, but if you are having trouble functioning because depression is making everything harder and taking away your energy and ability to deal with daily life, it's time to see someone so you can start taking care of it. Do you have health insurance? You could start by calling them and finding out what your policy covers and get a list of providers. :hug:

So, I don't believe I have trouble functioning, I guess I just feel overwhelmed and emotional. For example, I know it's so not rational to get upset over what would essentially be deemed minor annoyances, like a toddler dragging mud all over the house because he didn't take off his shoes when asked, but I still feel myself getting totally worked up over it. I don't tend to break out into fits of spontaneous crying (ok, at least not when I'm PMS'ing) and I still get a lot done, but my energy level isn't great, and sometimes I feel I get angry way too easily. And I have wondered if my husband and son would be better off without me. I feel like I'm a good Mom for the most part, but life just seems too hard sometimes. What I don't want is to start taking some sort of medication for depression if the real reason I"m overwhelmed and emotional is based on our circumstances. KWIM? I get so jealous seeing posts from friends on FB who are SAHMs talking about how all they did all day long was go on outings with their kids and meet up for other playdates, when I'm constantly stuck at work or at home cleaning, and desperately wish for more quality time with my son. I think I just need to make some changes in my life, starting with setting the expectation that I need some "me" time, and hope to find a job closer to home. I've been looking for sure, but it's impossible finding anything part time in my area.

[mackmama]

I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed, and I totally get it. Even if it is situational depression, you could try meds for 6-12mo and see if it has helped? It sounds like you could also benefit from seeing a therapist too just so you have more emotional support. Maybe it'd also be possible to tell your DH you need one hour in the evenings 1-2x per week to take a bath, etc.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk (http://tapatalk.com/m?id=1)

[BDKmom]

PPs have given great suggestions. I just wanted to say that my 3 yr old is very similar, and it can be so challenging. It's easy to feel overwhelmed. I agree with others that building in some time for yourself somewhere is very important. DH and I often trade off on the weekends, sometimes even on the same day. Last weekend, I shopped with a friend in the morning, then he met a friend to watch a ball game in the afternoon. We have both had to let our standards drop as far as house cleaning. I have to also remind myself that I am only one person and I can only do so much.

Parenting is such a challenge sometimes. It's ok to feel like you can't do it all. Just love your DS and your DH and do the best you can. And take care of yourself. Hugs.