How to help *loss mentioned *

[petesgirl]

SIL (who is SO beyond excited to have kids) just miscarried at 7 weeks. Any ideas on what to do to show I care?

[Indianamom2]

Send her flowers with a simple note of "thinking of you"....a gift card to a favorite restaurant....offer to just listen if she needs it...(I say listen because there a lot of things that people say in this situation that are just plain hurtful even though they mean well, so unless you've been through it yourself, just listen)...maybe something like a small bracelet with an angel charm or a little figurine to have something tangible.

I'm sorry, it really just hurts when this happens. You're a good SIL.

[petesgirl]

Send her flowers with a simple note of "thinking of you"....a gift card to a favorite restaurant....offer to just listen if she needs it...(I say listen because there a lot of things that people say in this situation that are just plain hurtful even though they mean well, so unless you've been through it yourself, just listen)...maybe something like a small bracelet with an angel charm or a little figurine to have something tangible.

I'm sorry, it really just hurts when this happens. You're a good SIL.
I was thinking of a gift card to her favorite restaurant and I really like the angel charm idea, thank you. I feel worse because I'm still pregnant :( not sure I'm one she will want to talk to or see for a while.

[c&j04]

Remember her on her due date. Card, text, flowers, whatever fits your relationship.

I personally havent enjoyed actually talking to people on that date. I know that can vary by person.

[wellyes]

Remember her on her due date. Card, text, flowers, whatever fits your relationship.

I personally havent enjoyed actually talking to people on that date. I know that can vary by person.

I think this is great advice for a late loss, but maybe not for an early first trimester loss. I would follow her lead on this. Everyone is different, but personally, I would not have wanted to think "oh this would have been my due date!" when it happened to me.

[Pennylane]

I think this is great advice for a late loss, but maybe not for an early first trimester loss. I would follow her lead on this. Everyone is different, but personally, I would not have wanted to think "oh this would have been my due date!" when it happened to me.

I agree , I wouldn't have wanted anyone to mention it on my due date. I think a short note and flowers would be perfect .

Ann


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[Kindra178]

I think this is great advice for a late loss, but maybe not for an early first trimester loss. I would follow her lead on this. Everyone is different, but personally, I would not have wanted to think "oh this would have been my due date!" when it happened to me.

I agree. A 7 week loss is really, really early. Although I was extremely sad when I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks, it was not something I thought of for very long. I definitely would not have wanted anyone to mention my due date or even gave me any kind of gift to commemorate the loss. In fact, no even really knew I was pregnant except my dh, my mother and maybe my sister. Frankly, I would have been upset even with flowers. I would much preferred a sorry for your loss type comment, and then moved on. I think the analysis would have been very different with a later loss, even at 10 or 11 weeks.

[123LuckyMom]

I had a loss at 12 weeks right after (like I found out DAYS after) I had announced my pregnancy at the church picnic. I had been trying for over a year to get pregnant, and I thought I was safe to tell everyone at 12 weeks. I was devastated, and it was so hard to have to tell everyone! The cards poured in, though, from woman after woman after woman who had suffered miscarriages. I was amazed! I just had no idea they were so common!!! It also really helped to hear from 80 year olds that it's okay to remember those losses, but that life does go on. It was wonderful, actually, to have that much sympathy, understanding, and support! I would write her a heartfelt note of sympathy. I found those notes incredibly thoughtful and comforting.

[Aishe]

I agree , I wouldn't have wanted anyone to mention it on my due date. I think a short note and flowers would be perfect .

Ann



:yeahthat:

[llama8]

I had a 17 week loss unexplained with my 1st pregnancy. I would have hated it if people brought up the due date or mentioned the loss around my due date. I was just trying to cope and forget and put it behind me and bringing it up again would have been dreadful. I thanked God that no one did that for me.

I did, however, appreciate kind notes or gestures around the time of my loss. It made me feel like people cared and I was shocked at how many other women went through losses as well. It did make me feel better, but once that period of time passed, I wanted to move on.

[karstmama]

a coworker had an early 2nd trimester loss about this time of year (many years ago), and i made her an angel tree ornament with his name and the date on an unobtrusive part. (i knew she put up a christmas tree.) she really seemed to like it, so just a thought.

[rin]

I agree that mentioning the due date would not necessarily be helpful.

I had two miscarriages, one at 8 weeks and one at 10. I would have been very uncomfortable with gifts, flowers, or mentioning the due date. I would have really appreciated comments like "sorry for your loss" or personal stories about miscarriages/losses. I did not/would not have appreciated stories about how I was super likely to have another baby, how everything happens for a reason, how "God called the baby home", etc.

[petesgirl]

OP here-- SIL called me up on Sunday and asked if they could come up for dinner, so we spent a lot of time together talking about everything. She said that the first 2 days were really hard but that she is at peace with things. I still want to do flowers but I'm thinking later this week on the one-week mark of her losing the baby.

[HannaAddict]

OP here-- SIL called me up on Sunday and asked if they could come up for dinner, so we spent a lot of time together talking about everything. She said that the first 2 days were really hard but that she is at peace with things. I still want to do flowers but I'm thinking later this week on the one-week mark of her losing the baby.

I really wouldn't do it on an actual date to mark losing the baby, just send them on any day saying you care and love them. But wouldn't mark the loss so to speak. That seems like it could really hurt more if she is at peace and moving forward. My SIL had several losses from early to after 12 weeks, it can be hard to know what to do.

[essnce629]

Send her flowers with a simple note of "thinking of you"....a gift card to a favorite restaurant....offer to just listen if she needs it...(I say listen because there a lot of things that people say in this situation that are just plain hurtful even though they mean well, so unless you've been through it yourself, just listen)...maybe something like a small bracelet with an angel charm or a little figurine to have something tangible.

I'm sorry, it really just hurts when this happens. You're a good SIL.

I've never had a miscarriage, but one of my best friends did a few months ago. I was one of the first ones she told about the pregnancy and the first one she called when she thought she was miscarrying. It was a really early loss at just 5 weeks. I just listened to her and shared her sadness with her as I was really sad too. We just talked off and on for a few days and I sent her a card as well saying I was sorry and that I was thinking about her. She seemed to really appreciate the card. She's now pregnant again and was 9 weeks yesterday!



Remember her on her due date. Card, text, flowers, whatever fits your relationship.

I personally havent enjoyed actually talking to people on that date. I know that can vary by person.

A friend of mine had a stillbirth at 38 weeks several years ago and on the date this year I sent her a FB message saying I was thinking about her. Right after it happened I talked to her for several hours on the phone and it really affected me so I wanted to let her know I hadn't forgotten her baby girl.

I don't think I would do that for an early miscarriage though.



I did not/would not have appreciated stories about how I was super likely to have another baby, how everything happens for a reason, how "God called the baby home", etc.

My friend who had the miscarriage a few months ago and is now 9 weeks pregnant chose to tell very little people this time around (her DH, mom, grandma, and me). I was the only friend she told since she got a few of those comments from another friend of ours who means well, but doesn't always say the right thing. I agree that it's better to just listen and to say your sorry.