"I like Daddy better."

[♥ms.pacman♥]

what do you say to this??? both kids have been in this "I want Daddy, not you" phase lately. and tonite, DH got a work phone call towards the end of putting DS to bed. i came in to stay with him (bc i know DS gets scared) but DS was so upset and kept saying he wanted to wait for daddy and finally said "I want you to leave!!" (even though he's scared and usually needs one of us to lie next to him to fall asleep). 5 minutes later he came out nearly in tears saying he wants me to come his room. So we start walking back to his room and he sees DH in his office. i mention something about Daddy being busy with work now . DS says "But i like Daddy better!" nearly in tears. It was a totally sincere tone, not the kind of rejecting statements said by kids when they want to piss you off on purpose (my DD did that earlier today, when she wanted to go with DH & DS to the grocery store instead of staying home with me).

HOw do you even deal with ongoing statements like this. would like advice from BTDT moms. most moms i know have it the other way around and complain about how the kids only want them for this or that (bedtime, etc)..and i just want to say,seriously try it the other way around for a few weeks/months and see how you feel about it. it's rotten when you work so hard to do things for the kids, spend quality time with them, but then it's like nothing you ever do will be ever good enough. ugh. as if the last 6 weeks have not made me feel enough of a failure as a parent, and in pretty much every aspect of my life. :(

[janine]

Honestly, for phases like this I am totally fine with it! It's great if they want daddy sometimes. Many times kids say they only want Mommy and the Dads roll with it so I figure it's ok the other way too (and sometimes I like it...like hey, they're all yours!!).

It's a phase, don't let it get to you. My 2 yr old is very upfront sometimes and says "I don't want you" to whoever she is not into at the moment. At first it's a big OUCH but then I realize that's just how she communicates with her limited vocabulary. Take it as a positive, like oh my kid loves us both so much he gets to choose a favorite of the moment (or week, month).

[Kindra178]

Hasn't he been travelling? I think it's just a normal stage. If the kids want daddy, revel in it and go get a mani!

[buttercup]

I roll over and say "he's asking for you" to DH (when they wake up in the middle of the night). Mine always prefer daddy, he is the fun parent, this bothers me not at all.

[Globetrotter]

Hasn't he been travelling? I think it's just a normal stage. If the kids want daddy, revel in it and go get a mani!
exactly! This is very normal.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Hasn't he been travelling? I think it's just a normal stage. If the kids want daddy, revel in it and go get a mani!
yes, he's been traveling a ton lately. the day after he gets back the kids only want daddy to do bedtime routine so i gladly hand them over to him and go take a shower or whatever. i have no issue with that.

but i guess i am talking about when dh is not available (e.g. like tonite), and the kid wails for 10 straight minutes over how they'd rather be with daddy instead of me.

[crl]

I have been on both sides of this and honestly the "I love mommy best and only want her" thing was waaaay harder on me. It meant I never ever got a break without feeling guilty that ds was crying for me. That went on for years. Now when dd does the I want daddy thing, I'm fine with it. Sometimes we accommodate her request (read DEMAND, lol), sometimes we don't. Often he's not home and she's stuck with second best, ie me. It's temporary. Ds is ten and he has also sometimes said he wishes I went to work and dh stayed home. I'm pretty sure he would change his tune if that actually happened. Anyway, I just tell him I know he wishes his dad could be home more and that he is home as much as he can be.

:hug:

Catherine

[Globetrotter]

yes, he's been traveling a ton lately. the day after he gets back the kids only want daddy to do bedtime routine so i gladly hand them over to him and go take a shower or whatever. i have no issue with that.

but i guess i am talking about when dh is not available (e.g. like tonite), and the kid wails for 10 straight minutes over how they'd rather be with daddy instead of me.

I see what you're saying. It sounds like they're missing him :(. Does it help to Skype/ FaceTime?

[niccig]

I'm sorry. I think all you can say is that Daddy is away or busy right now and he loves DS and will be home/helping as soon as he can. And try to not take it personally. Harder to do than say, I know.

We have the opposite in our house. DS is all over me and DH is left out of things. We'll be watching TV on the couch and DS will be snuggled up besides me all the time. He is with me more and will say he misses daddy, but never shows it when DH is around. DH gets snuggles when I'm out of the house. It breaks my heart sometimes. DH says he understands and tries to not take it personally, but it has to hurt. I wish I could do something to make it more balanced.

[Simon]

I commiserate with them. "I love Daddy, too. I get sad sometimes when I can't see him/when he isn't available." I also let Dh know he is needed and send him in. I don't know what your Dh does for a job, but in our household there isn't a work phone call with enough urgency that I wouldn't hesitate to have Dh say, "Let me check on a few things and call you back in an hour (half an hour)." Then he would finish out bedtime and call back. If that can't happen, I would comfort the kiddo and tell them Dh would be in after the call.

[fedoragirl]

ms.pacman, I could have written your post....except with DD, this isn't a phase. It has lasted 2 years now. DS has also started asking exclusively for daddy since the last 2 months. Although, before this time, DS would have nothing to do with daddy.
I have no advice but can just relate and let you know that it's exactly like that in our home. Mommy gets rejected over and over again and I would be lying if I didn't admit that it hurts. We ignore their requests unless they are hysterical. FWIW, they don't even ask for daddy when he's at work.

[dogmom]

I'm in the "If ONLY they would want Daddy more camp," but since my DD was born I've worked out of the house more than DH.

Does he need to get pulled away on a semi-regular basis at home? I'm making the assumption you are home more with them. It might help if every night he can set a time with the kids, even set a timer, that is just "their time" and he will not get pulled away, multi-task, etc until after the timer goes off. If he does do that, really spend time with the kids when he is home and you are the one trying to do 10 things at once when you are with the kids it might help for you to set a timer each day and do uninterupted time with the kids. You can even do it at the same time, divide up the kids. That might ease up on the underlying issues.

[lizzywednesday]

My mom probably felt like this for decades, Ms. P., so all I can offer are hugs.

Could it be less that your DS "likes" your DH "better" and more that your DH's work schedule is so crazy that DS feels like Daddy will "disappear" if he doesn't express a preference, so this is his way of ensuring Daddy returns?

[TwinFoxes]

I don't have any advice for feeling better. I just want to send hugs. I don't get upset if one DD decides she only wants daddy (there was a phase a couple of years ago). But I do admit when they tell me too many days in a row that they don't like the dinner I cooked it does give me a little twinge. I'm a good cook, but I'm not cooking pizza and stroganoff every night for dinner, which would make them happy.

[TxCat]

Does he need to get pulled away on a semi-regular basis at home? I'm making the assumption you are home more with them. It might help if every night he can set a time with the kids, even set a timer, that is just "their time" and he will not get pulled away, multi-task, etc until after the timer goes off. If he does do that, really spend time with the kids when he is home and you are the one trying to do 10 things at once when you are with the kids it might help for you to set a timer each day and do uninterupted time with the kids. You can even do it at the same time, divide up the kids. That might ease up on the underlying issues.

I think this sounds like good advice.

I've BTDT with DD1 - she often cycles back and forth between which parent she wants and she almost always expresses preference for the parent who is unavailable, so it really maximizes the unhappiness all around. I still remember for the first night of DH's international trip last month, DD1 howled for at least 30 minutes straight about wanting Daddy. Honestly , when she says that, I usually just say, "yeah, I wish Daddy was here too! " I think your kids are just going through a phase that's being triggered by, or made worse by, your DH's extensive recent travel. I usually just commiserate with DD1 to get through it, muddle through, and then sit down with a glass of wine when it's over (it's usually the bedtime routine that triggers this).

[carolinacool]

Oh, I'm sorry. My DS, who turns 4 next month, has been saying that "Daddy is my best friend" for a couple of months now. It doesn't really bother me. DH is just more fun to be around now. Like when Daddy gives him a bath, it's a big playtime. When I do it, it's strictly business (because I hate bath time. LOL) Plus, I think the absence thing is a factor. My DH works nights during the week, so the highlight is when Daddy is able to come home on his dinner break and do bath time and read to him. I, on the other hand, am always there. DS just sees me way more during the week, and I think he's over me. :)

I'm sure it's a phase. *hugs*

[♥ms.pacman♥]

My mom probably felt like this for decades, Ms. P., so all I can offer are hugs.

Could it be less that your DS "likes" your DH "better" and more that your DH's work schedule is so crazy that DS feels like Daddy will "disappear" if he doesn't express a preference, so this is his way of ensuring Daddy returns?

thank you, and yes, after thinking about it more i think this is a huge part of it. for the past 6 weeks dh has been traveling for the whole week, often leaving on Sunday afternoon. last time dh had to leave during his nap on Sunday and ds woke up so crushed that he did not get to say goodbye to daddy and kept asking why he had to leave again :( so yes, i do think that at least ds is noticing that dh is only here for a couple days at a time and gets stressed out over how he has to leave again. we have been used to dh's travel (he is usually gone one week a month, sometimes two) but 6 weeks in a row is hard on all of us.

luckily this week bc of veteran's day dh does not have to leave until tomorrow morning. and this is his last week of travel :boogie:

and yeah when dh is gone and kids whine about missing daddy i have said things like "i miss daddy too. it makes me sad when daddy is gone." once after i said that dd (2) said "it's ok. i give you hug." and hugged me. she is so sweet, she is my little empathetic one. dd seems less affected by daddy being gone than ds, i don't know bc of the age or just the fact that dd is more laidback about things.

anyway, i guess it's hard on me bc when dh travels so much, even though i am the only parent at home, i feel like i spend LESS quality time with the kids, because the times when i am home with them i am scrambling to get them out the door and to school so i can get to work..then scrambling to get dinner ready, or the kitchen cleaned up or whatever , then rushing to get them in bed at a reasonable hour. it is so hard. so when dh does come back and i want to spend time with the kids reading but they just want to go dh it makes me a little sad. i guess i should be glad though that they are probably ok without seeing mommy so much.

[BabyBearsMom]

DD1 will frequently tell me that she is "daddy's girl right now" which means she wants him and not me (and DD2 will say "No momma! Want dada!"). I really try not to let it bother me, because I know in a few hours it will be "momma, I need you!" probably when I am trying to go to the bathroom. For some reason, my children seem to love me more when I am trying to go to the bathroom....Anyway, when they say that they love Daddy more or want him and not me I usually respond with "I love you sooooo much, but I love daddy too and I can't see why you would want to be with him now. Let's try to do [insert something fun] while we wait for him." I usually get the no-mommy stuff when I'm trying to dress DD1, so I usually do "Let's see if you can get dressed faster than daddy can" and make it a race. Or I will go "talk" to daddy and come back and say "Daddy says he will be right there, but while you are waiting he wants you to do x" which gets her started.

[ha98ed14]

yes, he's been traveling a ton lately. the day after he gets back the kids only want daddy to do bedtime routine so i gladly hand them over to him and go take a shower or whatever. i have no issue with that.

but i guess i am talking about when dh is not available (e.g. like tonite), and the kid wails for 10 straight minutes over how they'd rather be with daddy instead of me.

I am just frank with her and tell her its me or no one because Daddy is busy. I am also not afraid to tell her that her continued whining, crying and insistence for Daddy is rude and hurts my feelings. We don't always get what we want at the moment we want it. Sometimes I tell her Daddy with come back and check on her if she stops crying, but only if he can do it before she goes to sleep.

Sometimes I think we are afraid to be honest with our kids. We aren't made of steel; we have feelings too. There is a big difference between saddling your child with emotional guilt and telling them how their words and actions impact others, including us. Why should we assign more value to the feelings of their classmate or the playmate instead of Their parent's. We would insist on a behavior change if they were wailing and carrying on that they wanted to play with Billy and not Bobby. I think it's okay to be direct and honest when this type of behavior persists. Sometimes DD will feel remorseful that her words and behavior hurt me; that's okay.

[123LuckyMom]

I'm sorry this is happening. Even knowing it's really not personal, it's hard to not feel hurt.

In our house, Daddy is the more rare parent. He is often just not around, or is in the house and busy. My children love their daddy, and they miss him. It's particularly hard on them when he is in the house but unavailable. Frankly, I hate it, too! I'm the parental workhorse. Like you, I'm the getter-readier. I'm also the meal preparer, the activities chauffeur, the clean-up crew boss. I'm the tooth brushing insister, and the bathtime ender. I'm around all the time, and daddy is the special treat. It doesn't help that my husband's a big softy who never wants to be the bad guy. Still, though, he's not always the favored parent. He's had his bouts of hugely frustrating and hurtful wanting-mama tantrums. These things go in phases.

When it happens to me, I empathize first. I repeat what they're saying. I'll say something like, "You really, really want daddy" in a tone that kind of matches theirs. If they're shouting, I might shout, too, but I keep the sympathetic tone in my voice and try to bring the level down.

Once they're listening to me, I'll tell them, "I really wish he were here, too," and I DO, because who wants to hear their kid scream for someone else! Often, this empathy will calm them down to normal crying levels. Once they're calmer, I'll explain that it hurts my feelings when they say they don't want me. I've also said that it's okay to want daddy, but not okay to hurt my feelings, but I don't try this in the heart of the tantrum. I will occasionally offer a bit of a guilt trip, "Oh, I've been looking forward all day to sitting and snuggling with you and reading this book. I'm sad that you don't want to snuggle with me." Again, though, not in the height of the tantrum.

In my house, empathy, occasionally accompanied by tickling or somewhat enforced hugging, is the only way to reduce the tantrum level to plain old sad crying. Of course, when I totally lose it, I yell back, "Well he's not here, is he!?!" And close the door a little more forcefully than I should as I go to my room to cool down. ;) I do not advocate this as a response.

[Ceepa]

They're probably just missing him like you are. Young kids can't appreciate all you're doing for them right now. Hugs, I hope it gets better.

[hillview]

Yup happens here. In our house I'd let DS stay up say 10 mins for DH but after that he is stuck with me. Sometimes I will say let's get teeth and PJs going and then see if Daddy is free. If it is clear daddy isn't going to be available then he is stuck with me. I try to sympathize :)

[ArizonaGirl]

Hasn't he been travelling? I think it's just a normal stage. If the kids want daddy, revel in it and go get a mani!

A Big :yeahthat:

My dad used to travel when I was little for weeks or even months at a time and I remember being like this, and missing him so!!! much

[twowhat?]

Normal, and try not to interpret it too literally. He was basically just saying what he wanted at that moment was Daddy.

The times that our kids have said things like "I like Mommy better" were usually during stressful moments. Like if someone was throwing a tantrum. And we've definitely had times when the desired parent isn't available, and that does totally suck. Like tonight...the girls got home and I was on a call. DD2 was in the middle of a tantrum and there was nothing we could do but put her in the garage and have DH sit with her there because I don't have a closed office in our house and needed to be in front of my computer/monitors...and the garage was the only place we could put her where I couldn't hear her screaming. DH was too pissed to do what I wish he would have done (hold/comfort her) but that's what I'd do until the desired parent was available. Sometimes it helps to say things like "Would you like to go wait outside his door?" Or "Would you like to help me put Daddy's stuff in the laundry while we wait?" sort of as a distraction. Sometimes you just have to sit there and hold them and basically say you know it's tough. It's heartbreaking when they want Daddy so badly because of his crazy travel! When DD2 broke down in tears one night at a restaurant because she just missed Daddy, I wanted to cry!

Hang in there!

I was joking to a friend the other day..."I go from one customer-service job (my client-facing job) to another customer-service job (my kids), and no one is satisfied!"