Help me get through this

[MSWR0319]

This might be a BP, but I really need help and advice also. MIL came to visit (you may remember my post about her not letting us know when she comes) and fell and broke her leg while she was here. She is "too weak" to use crutches or a walker apparently (she uses it just fine as far as I can tell and the PT today told her she was doing it correctly) according to her. She just informed me she doesn't feel safe going home and that she will be staying here. I'm ok with that for a few weeks if that's what has to happen. But she is saying she's staying here even after she gets her walking cast on up through Christmas, even though she could go home if she had a walking cast on, which would be two weeks before Christmas. I think she's trying to stay for Christmas because she knows that holiday is set only for DH, I, and the kids and she wants to be here. Now I haven't talked to DH about this, as he just dropped her off and had to go back to work but he did say he wasn't very happy with her, so I'm not sure what all went down. That being said, she can be very toxic after a few days and I am an introvert. I need my space. I have gotten kicked out my bedroom and so I don't even have my "own" space to escape to when needed. Do you have any ideas as to how I can get through this? How do I ignore her comments about our parenting, etc and get my own time to just chill out.

[hillview]

Oh boy. I am so sorry. First off I would make a schedule for me even if it was something like
9-11 leave house
2-5 leave house
Dinner out 2 nights a week with DH and kids (no MIL) etc

I'd also prepare some snappy responses "that's an interesting point" "interesting point of view" etc and stick to the script. Don't engage in topics you don't want to engage in. Also I try to cut things off
"wow you shouldn't let Bobby climb that high, he will get hurt"
"that's an interesting point of view, I have to go grab a sweater from the car."

"kids should eat everything on their plate"
"that's an interesting point of view, please pass the butter"
:)
She will either get the hint or not but either way it won't go anywhere if you don't engage.

My MIL and SIL are like this :) good luck!

[rlu]

I have no useful thoughts on this right now (simply picking up the "too weak" person and throwing them into a pre-paid cab isn't an option, right?) but had to respond with something. I'll send some prayers your way to deal with this unfortunate situation.

[cookiemonster80]

I don't have any advice but just wanted to say as a fellow introvert I'm so, so sorry!! That is a LONG time even with a great relationship AND getting to keep your own room!!

That stresses me out just by reading it!

[wellyes]

That stinks, I'm sorry.
I agree with the point to NOT talk about your parenting choices with her, period. And make sure your husband is on board wtih you!

[Sweetsunshine]

Oh no, that's rough! Wish I had some good advice. I don't know what I would do in your shoes. I guess don't panic until you talk to your DH. That is a long time for her to just assume it would be fine with you guys. I can't imagine my MIL just telling me she is staying with us, and she can be a real PITA sometimes. Guess she's not as bad as I thought. I am stressed,out just reading our dilemma. Hope DH has a plan for dealing with her!

[KLD313]

I have no advice but wanted to say that would drive me crazy and I can't imagine her just saying she's stating for all that time. I'm sorry. Maybe you can go live at her house? ;)

[Indianamom2]

Ok, I get along great with my family, but I CANNOT imagine trying to coexist, while pregnant in particular, for that long. I am so so sorry. I have no idea what I'd do in that situation, but I'm thinking a hotel might be a relationship saver if worst comes to worst (for her, not you. You have every right to stay in your house.)

[PZMommy]

Can you see if her insurance would cover a visiting nurse to come visit her at HER house while she is recovering??

[MSWR0319]

Ok, I get along great with my family, but I CANNOT imagine trying to coexist, while pregnant in particular, for that long. I am so so sorry. I have no idea what I'd do in that situation, but I'm thinking a hotel might be a relationship saver if worst comes to worst (for her, not you. You have every right to stay in your house.)

Think I could get her a rehabilitation room at the local nursing home? ;) I know people that go there with broken legs. Ok, I'm kidding (well, kinda). She could hang out with my grandma who lives there. If I don't joke right now, I might cry.

She just quizzed me on how long we'd be gone for dance. Like she wanted me to stay home with her. I don't get this, she has a broken leg and is perfectly capable of getting around. I'm not canceling my kids activities for her unless need be. I need to have DH move the TV in the basement into our room so she can stay in there. My kids are not watching soap operas all afternoon.

Thanks for listening to me. I'm definitely going to use some of these ideas! Keep them coming if you have more!

[georgiegirl]

Ugh, I'm so sorry. I'd be stocking up on wine and Xanax if I were you. I wouldn't want her in my home for that long. Maybe you and DH can talk to the PT people and get a good assessment of her abilities.

[crl]

Think I could get her a rehabilitation room at the local nursing home? ;) I know people that go there with broken legs. Ok, I'm kidding (well, kinda). She could hang out with my grandma who lives there. If I don't joke right now, I might cry.

She just quizzed me on how long we'd be gone for dance. Like she wanted me to stay home with her. I don't get this, she has a broken leg and is perfectly capable of getting around. I'm not canceling my kids activities for her unless need be. I need to have DH move the TV in the basement into our room so she can stay in there. My kids are not watching soap operas all afternoon.

Thanks for listening to me. I'm definitely going to use some of these ideas! Keep them coming if you have more!


I actually don't think that is all that off base. I was thinking about maybe you all could offer to pay for help for her in her home. I really feel for you because I would find that intolerable especially with a MIL who has been nasty to me and my children in the past.

Catherine

[tabegle]

Oh my gosh, you have all my sympathies! I don't have much advice, other than avoid avoid avoid, but then again, that doesn't work too well for me. And you're giving up your bedroom for this? you are a saint.

I'd let my kids bunk together or with me anyday than give up my bedroom to my mil.

[brittone2]

I'm not defending her, but when elderly folks have a fall like that, there is often a lot of anxiety that goes with the fall, and many are genuinely worried about it happening again and so forth. While it may seem over the top for her to ask you how long you'll be gone, my first guess is that she truly *is* feeling anxious about being alone, and using the walker, etc. may also make her feel anxious. She may also be genuinely worried about returning home if she lives alone or spends a lot of time alone there. It really is quite common after falls, and i've seen it both professionally and with family members. DH's grandmother had a fall outside in her late 80s, and was out overnight in freezing temps and suffered hypothermia. She pulled through, but what happened both before and after the fall was that was she was living in a state of constant dehydration. She was at home, but was afraid to get up to get drinks throughout the day, didn't want to drink so she wouldn't have to get up to use the bathroom, etc. as she had a lot of anxiety after that fall. I think she was avoiding drinking and getting up to use the bathroom prior to that fall and was feeling unsure of herself, and then with the fall it just escalated and she avoided getting up for drinks and the bathroom even more. She is a really strong woman emotionally, has always been fiercely independent, etc. but a fall like that can be very scary. eta: not long after that, she moved in with MIL/FIL. Her overall condition has improved quite a bit now that she eats regularly and stays hydrated.

Again, no doubt it is very inconvenient and difficult, but I do think perhaps you need to talk with your DH about long term plans, how long she will be able to live independently, any underlying health concerns expressed by PT or other medical personnel, etc. because sometimes these types of things are the first big clue there may be issues. It may not be in this case, but sometimes the fall is a sign that health and safety/independence is becoming a concern. I just don't want to see you or your DH caught off guard if this *is* an event signaling there are some underlying issues with ongoing independent living. I don't know what her health is like overall, but just be on the alert.

While it is possible she's being manipulative, I also want to gently suggest that she may truly be feeling worried about another fall. It happens a lot. Is the PT concerned about her balance, vision, physical condition, ability to live independently, any possibility of dizziness from dehydration or medications? I might try to get a feel for some of that if you haven't yet. Sometimes a fall is a marker that there are health or concerns with the person's overall physical condition. eta: also think about what her home is like. Are there clear paths? can someone remove throw rugs? Put into place appropriate grab bars, shower stool, etc if any of those might be helpful (again, talk w/ therapist). If she returns home, she may need modifications to be safe for both the immediate future and longer term. Again, it depends on her overall health, whether this was a one-off event or part of a larger spiral, etc. But it can take time to set up home health or other assistance in the home, get her house maybe a little safer with some modifications, etc. so if those things are going to be necessary, it might be time to consider moving forward with that ASAP.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had massive IL issues for a few years, but in time things righted themselves. It was a long road to that point, however, and I know how stressful it can feel.

[BabyBearsMom]

I'm so sorry. If this was my MIL *I* might move out until after Christmas!!

[Ceepa]

She may be genuinely worried about being on her own for a while. OK, then can you offer suggestions like having in-home care for her once she returns home? Get her follow-up medical appointments/PT or OT local to her home instead of yours. It may sound cold but feeling anxious does not entitle her to stay through Christmas, at her insistence no less.

[Indianamom2]

There may well be something to Brittone's point about feeling anxious about another fall or being alone. That being said, she is going to have to find a way to deal with that eventually when she does go home. Helping her arrange help/health care aid for HER house would be a great suggestion.

And when you joked about a room at a rehab place....you know that thought popped into my mind. I don't know what qualifies a person for a rehab stay and I'm guessing it isn't a truly viable option, but maybe...

And I want to say this gently, but your DH should be dealing with this because as a pregnant lady, you don't need the extra stress. Does your husband have any other siblings who could have her stay with them?

[brittone2]

She may be genuinely worried about being on her own for a while. OK, then can you offer suggestions like having in-home care for her once she returns home? Get her follow-up medical appointments/PT or OT local to her home instead of yours. It may sound cold but feeling anxious does not entitle her to stay through Christmas, at her insistence no less.

I edited my post upthread, but these things do take time to set up. She might or might not benefit from some adaptations like grab bars, making sure pathways/furniture placement can accommodate a walker (or are they safe/wide enough in general for her to not trip even without a walker), etc. depending on what the therapist(s) think. Is she going to have to deal with stairs when she returns home? Is her balance, etc. adequate for her to do that safely and independently right now and in the future? I'm not suggesting she's entitled to stay, but I would think about the above. I would also talk with DH about longer term safety in the home if this was not totally a one-off situation. It can be difficult to qualify for in home PT, so that's another thing to consider in terms of sending her home. Will she qualify, and if not does she have transportation or means to get to therapy if she would benefit (again, talking to current therapist(s) about this if MIL is okay with that) would probably be informative.

[123LuckyMom]

I'm not defending her, but when elderly folks have a fall like that, there is often a lot of anxiety that goes with the fall, and many are genuinely worried about it happening again and so forth. While it may seem over the top for her to ask you how long you'll be gone, my first guess is that she truly *is* feeling anxious about being alone, and using the walker, etc. may also make her feel anxious. She may also be genuinely worried about returning home if she lives alone or spends a lot of time alone there. It really is quite common after falls, and i've seen it both professionally and with family members. DH's grandmother had a fall outside in her late 80s, and was out overnight in freezing temps and suffered hypothermia. She pulled through, but what happened both before and after the fall was that was she was living in a state of constant dehydration. She was at home, but was afraid to get up to get drinks throughout the day, didn't want to drink so she wouldn't have to get up to use the bathroom, etc. as she had a lot of anxiety after that fall. I think she was avoiding drinking and getting up to use the bathroom prior to that fall and was feeling unsure of herself, and then with the fall it just escalated and she avoided getting up for drinks and the bathroom even more. She is a really strong woman emotionally, has always been fiercely independent, etc. but a fall like that can be very scary.

Again, no doubt it is very inconvenient and difficult, but I do think perhaps you need to talk with your DH about long term plans, how long she will be able to live independently, any underlying health concerns expressed by PT or other medical personnel, etc. because sometimes these types of things are the first big clue there may be issues. It may not be in this case, but sometimes the fall is a sign that health and safety/independence is becoming a concern. I just don't want to see you or your DH caught off guard if this *is* an event signaling there are some underlying issues with ongoing independent living. I don't know what her health is like overall, but just be on the alert.

While it is possible she's being manipulative, I also want to gently suggest that she may truly be feeling worried about another fall. It happens a lot. Is the PT concerned about her balance, vision, physical condition, ability to live independently, any possibility of dizziness from dehydration or medications? I might try to get a feel for some of that if you haven't yet. Sometimes a fall is a marker that there are health or concerns with the person's overall physical condition.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had massive IL issues for a few years, but in time things righted themselves. It was a long road to that point, however, and I know how stressful it can feel.

This is soooo well put and accurate! I feel for you, OP; I really, really do. I also think your MIL is afraid to be alone and afraid to go home. I think your DH needs to speak with her about how scary that fall was and how she might benefit from talking to someone about the trauma so she won't be afraid to move around enough to care for herself and get healthy again. If she's the kind of person who would see that as an insult, then your DH can still have a conversation with her about whether she is feeling concerned about being alone, using the walker, etc, and can discuss with her what she thinks would make her feel more confident. It's kind of a shame she's not in a nursing home, because if she were, you could request that a psychologist meet with her!

As for you, I agree you should get out of the house as much as you can. If you can arrange for a visiting nurse to come regularly or for a home health aid to stay with her while you're gone, that would be terrific!

[Ceepa]

OP did say she didn't have a chance to talk to DH about what happened between him and his mother, but it didn't sound positive. If he's irritated with the situation, too, I would have him channel that energy into getting her set up at home as much as she needs (grab bars, visiting nurse, follow-up appointments/assessments, whatever) as soon as humanly possible and get her out of there when she gets her walking cast. The last thing OP needs is to undergo longterm stress under her own roof during the holidays with young children under foot. She was evicted from her own room. Not good for family, marriage, mental health.

[trales]

It also might be time to have the conversation about her current housing situation. If she some money, then maybe she can move into one of those graduated facilities, they have dining rooms, regular apartments, assisted living and the nursing care. They are great. The time has come for a long hard conversation that does not involve the option of her moving in with you permanently, that this is a one time deal and that is that.

[TwinFoxes]

Ugh, I'm so sorry. I'd be stocking up on wine and Xanax if I were you.

:yeahthat: I'm not an introvert, and I love my MIL. But there is no way, no WAY I could survive what you're describing.

As for practical solutions, never underestimate alone time in your car, I arrive early for pick up at DDs school, and read my kindle in my car. Earbuds in your ear may discourage her from talking (no need to actually listen to anything!) And don't forget the (doesn't have to exist) volunteering that you do for several hours outside the home each week.

[A1icia]

:yeahthat: I'm not an introvert, and I love my MIL. But there is no way, no WAY I could survive what you're describing.

As for practical solutions, never underestimate alone time in your car, I arrive early for pick up at DDs school, and read my kindle in my car. Earbuds in your ear may discourage her from talking (no need to actually listen to anything!) And don't forget the (doesn't have to exist) volunteering that you do for several hours outside the home each week.

Agree with ALL of this.

Hopefully your DH will be able to help get her out much sooner but I would definitely be creating a schedule that included lots of time out of the house. Anything with the tiniest ngget of truth will probably be easiest - i.e. I'm the board of my homeowner's association, in actualty in requires very little time away from home but I'd be changing that quick even if the "office" was actually my car or the public library or Starbucks with their free wifi.

Maybe you belong to a book club or Mom's group that meets weekly during the day. There may also be classes you take - yoga for pregnant women or a water aerobics class for expecting mothers. So on. You might be a very busy person with lots and lots of commitments which you had put on hold for her visit but now demand your attention.

Good luck - it just sounds horrible. And to not even have your bedroom...ack!!!!

[hellokitty]

OP, I really feel for you. You are a good dil to take her in. However, I totally agree that she will drive you nuts. Even if she wasn't annoying, having a guest for that long, esp one who has a physical/medical problem, will make it even worse. I think that your dh needs to have a frank talk with her about expectations while she is staying at your place. That while you are there to help her, you aren't going to be her nursemaid, and that your family will not tolerate her if she starts up with any toxic behavior. I would totally check to see if she qualifies to stay in a nursing home, for any amt of time, and let her go that route, before offering up your home. I think it is a good time to have someone go through and evaluate fall risks at her place and yours. Old ppl in general, are prone to falls, so I do think that it is a valid concern that she is anxious about falling again. Use whatever homecare benefits that she can get. I definitely agree with the others in making sure you block out, "me" time for yourself, just for your own sanity. As for xmas, I totally get why you are freaking out, but I think it's too early to tell. Hopefully, she will heal as predicted, but you never know if she will have a complication. If she does, she very well may need to stay at your place longer for more help. So, I would just tell her that, "we will see how your recovery progresses," instead of giving her a hard answer now, about the xmas holiday. {{{HUGS}}} I really wish you the best of luck. I know that if this were my mil, I would probably have to hire help, even a sitter, to come over to stay with her, just so I could run away and scream.

[BunnyBee]

I would be freaking out. Freaking. Out.

Have you lost it (quietly) with DH? What is his solution? If you wind up running screaming away from your house, how would he deal with it?

You poor thing. :grouphug:

[ha98ed14]

I would be freaking out. Freaking. Out.

Have you lost it (quietly) with DH? What is his solution? If you wind up running screaming away from your house, how would he deal with it?

You poor thing. :grouphug:

This. I would be freaking out if it was my OWN mother. I think you've gotten good advice, but I wanted to add some HUGS, and also tell you that you MUST put the ball in DH's court on how to deal with this situation. You need to agree on a plan with him-- something you both can live with-- and then he needs to be in charge of implementing it with MIL. I would start by having the conversation with DH that Beth suggested about her current and future living situation and anxiety over that. This is going to be an issue that progressively gets "worse" as MIL ages and is more "needy."

[Blue Hydrangea]

How about coming up with a period of time of her staying with you that is acceptable to you and your DH, maybe it's a length of time (a couple weeks) or a milestone (walking cast, etc). Then, with DH, explain to her your expectations. She will be upset, but emphasize that you would be doing her a disservice by keeping her from getting her independence back. (!) You want the very best for her and health, and that means making sure she getting up, moving around and getting her strength back, because as of (which ever period of time you have chosen) she will be moving back her home so that you can all get back to your regular swing of things by the holidays. If she balks too much, you could also include that if she does not "recover" in that time period, or feels anxious about living alone, you would be happy to help her find a situation that would be safe for her, whether that means a nursing home, assisted living, or home care that can offer her the care and therapy she needs, but that your home is not a long-term option.