Navigating parenting styles during playdates with preschoolers--LONG

[fedoragirl]

Recently I posted about DD bemoaning that she had no friends. I met with the teacher, scoured the internet, and came up with a few ideas like calling receptive parents over for playdates. I gave the teacher my number and asked her to give it to anyone who responds positively to a playdate with DD. We have had 5 playdates with different kids in the past 2 weeks. So, things are going well in that direction. (BTW, wellyes, the book was a hit too and really helped DD understand how she has to do her part in making friends).

But now, I am facing a different situation.

Scenario 1: P comes over with mom. He proceeds to take out all the toys and games we have without doing any one thing for more than 5 min. Our playroom looks like a disaster but I am not concerned because he's 4 and curious and excited. However, he doesn't interact with DD at all and chooses to play with her toys or his mother. DD tries to get his attention by taking something and running and he is upset. So, I call her over and tell her why this is not appropriate. His mom sits there and smiles and says nothing nor does she encourage any interaction between the kids. They are at our house for 3 hours! I am beyond exhausted and this kid is not playing with DD at all. She asks him several times to play and he ignores her. He also doesn't let her join in whatever he's playing with and continues playing with her toys. All this is happening with the mother not saying a word. This makes me very sad for DD because she's really trying to play with him. It's also confusing her because he dumping all the toys and games on the floor when we have different rules for playing (like playing with one thing and putting it away and then, getting another toy). I explain to her why this is an exception but she's still upset. They leave and DD says bye and the kid brushes past her.
Ok, I get that he's a kid. He's 4. I absolutely get it. But are my expectations of the parent so off the mark?

Scenario 2: We go to playdate at E's house. Everything is going well except for a few phrases I could have done without. E brings out many toys to show DD, plays with them herself and when DD reaches out touch or ask to play with the toy, it gets snatched away and the resulting drama ensues. I explain to DD about E having special toys that she'd rather not share.

We have had many other experiences like this and I am beginning to think that I am teaching my kids the wrong thing or that manners and kindness are not valued here. We have been to birthday parties where the kid grabbed his presents and proceeded to tear them open and loudly declare that he has this toy or doesn't like the present. Am I being too old-fashioned in expecting a thank you or some sort of appreciation?

I don't have any issues with the kids. They don't know any better. I am just seeing a lot of permissiveness with their own kids while I am always telling my kids to share and be kind, and take turns. But the message I am getting is that if they keep doing that, their own feelings will be invalidated, they always come second whether as host or guest, and makes them prime targets for bullying. I don't understand how parents can sit in the same room and say nothing to their child being rude or unkind. Some say something like, "please share" or "didn't you hear me?" and drop it. I am SO frustrated. Their whole idea is for kids to figure things out on their own. This idea is prevalent everywhere whereas I think that preschoolers need to learn from modeled behavior that may require frequent intervention.
So, am I thinking incorrectly? What can I do differently with my own children? What can I do about this during playdates? Just looking for any ideas and hoping that I am not too crazy with my expectations of other parents and children.

[carolinacool]

This is tough. My son will be 4 next month, and while I wouldn't stand at all for him dumping out all of your toys, the truth is sometimes he just wants to play alone. He doesn't get that his should be playing with other kids, or maybe he doesn't want to at that very moment. We haven't done very many play dates with classmates at all, but we have family friends who have kids around his age, but that setting is different from a true play date. But, I always take some of his own toys/iPods, so if he seems to be in a unsharing mood and wants to be alone, he can sit with his own stuff in a corner and just be. I don't know if that's rude or not, but he really doesn't react well to being forced to play with someone. I'm not sure what the proper expectations of play are for 3-and 4-year-olds.

Like I said, I would be super upset if other kids kept dumping out toys. But I tend to be really b&*^% about that kind of stuff while others are way more laid back and they just figure it's a play date and that's what happens.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I don't know. While I would personally correct my kid and encourage them to be a kind friend and share, I'm not super phased with the idea of letting them work it out. I'd probably just tell Dd on the drive home that you know the other friend could have been a little kinder, encourage her to be a good friend but then emphasize the good characteristics of the friend and play date.

With your 1st scenario- he sounds like a typical 4yo boy. Many are still into parallel play. And other people's toys are always cooler. I accept that having a play date= a tornado of toys too. Ds2 was more about playing with friends and would be disappointed if the play date wasn't into playing with him. That's just part of the age though so we kept trying with kids we like. 3 hours is really long. I always tried to cap at 1.5- I'd have a convenient reason to leave/ end (nap, meal...).

[maestramommy]

Hmmm, that is really tough. My older two were more of the loner type until 5 (actually 6 for DD1) so that is one of the reasons I really didn't do playdates until she started asking for them in 1st grade. While I can see the case made for letting kids work things out on their own, if a kid is only 4 and doesn't have any prosocial skills yet, then some parental intervention is necessary imo. If the other parent is totally hands off then I wouldn't go for a repeat playdate. I guess in your situation I would just keep trying with different kids. Does your DD have anyone in mind from school that she would really like to play with?

[TwinFoxes]

I agree with PP, I think lots do kids are still doing parallel play at 4. Also agree that playdate = tornado. If that bothers you, I'd bring some toys out of the playroom into another area and let them play with a limited number.

3 hours is VERY long. Next time I'd say "we'd love to have you over! How about from 2-3:30? We do quiet time after that".

[ezcc]

My kids are 10,8 and 1 so it's been a while since I've had a 4 year old, but at that age I was pretty much letting them run the playdates themselves- some of our playdates were drop off by then, and if the mom stayed we usually hung out and chatted and let the kids go at it in another room. So, I guess I wouldn't expect there to be a lot of manners lessons etc. during the playdate. If I witnessed rude behavior I would probably intervene but most 4 year olds aren't angels so I'm sure there was plenty I just didn't see. I do think toys tend to all get pulled out-that's just the way it goes in my experience. I would expect polite hellos and good byes from my own children, but again sometimes 4 year olds are difficult. My advice would to be to loosen up your expectations a bit and try not to do too much micromanaging of your own kid, and keep trying to find someone who is a better fit- a mom you enjoy hanging out with will make you look forward to them more. Also, it's almost winter so not easy but in general I enjoy meeting up at parks, museums etc more than houses- it's easier when you're not worried about your kid wrecking something in someone's house and vice versa.

[Katigre]

Am I remembering right that you live overseas? There could be cultural issues contributing to the problem and different expectations.

If you're in the US then I have no idea - that's just plain rude!

Sent from my Android phone using Swype

[georgiegirl]

That stinks. We had the first scenario happen here to DD who is 7.5, and a neighbor girl came over who is 6.5 and proceeded to look at everything and dump it out. Dd was horrified and began to almost have an anxiety/panic attack because she had just cleaned and organized her stuff and she didn't feel comfortable telling this girl not to take everything out and play with it (by herself.). It was awful. Dd just sat next to me freaking out while this girl ransacked the playroom. Eventually I sent her home (she had dropped by randomly so I invited her in...not a scheduled play date.) That behavior is typical for a 4 year old boy but not a 6 year old girl.

at 4 I think most kids should be able to work thought minor squabbles. Too bad the girl in the second scenario wasn't able to share her toys. Maybe she doesn't have kids over for play dates that often.

[crayonblue]

I agree with PP, I think lots do kids are still doing parallel play at 4. Also agree that playdate = tornado. If that bothers you, I'd bring some toys out of the playroom into another area and let them play with a limited number.


I completely agree with this. DD3 is almost 4 and she doesn't really play with her friends as much as play in the same room. And there is ALWAYS drama over toys. From both my child and the other child. Always.

[fedoragirl]

DD has given me a list of names but she's generally excited about everyone who's come over so far. We have known the 1st scenario's family since we moved here but this is our first playdate with him.
We have had to have some playdates at our house because DS naps in the afternoon and I don't have childcare for him where I can leave the house and take DD for a playdate. So DS naps while we play in the playroom.
I have no problems with toys being dumped out. It is harder to explain to DD. I have some expectation that the parent of the visiting child will say something to their own child about such behavior. I also don't have a problem with the boy playing on his own. I was expecting mom to make some effort to at least, encourage him to play with DD. IMO, I find it rude that we go for a playdate and DD proceeds to play with all the host's toys but refuses to acknowledge the child present. At the very least, I would encourage her to play with the boy.
I absolutely do not believe in letting 3-5 year olds manage playdates by themselves. However, I hang out with the moms and talk but most times, the child prefers to play with his/her mom or the mom goes over and starts a game. So, I follow suit.
We have been to other playdates back home and I have never encountered this problem. All the moms there would be on top of their child if they were rude or unkind. I expected some of that.
Melinda, I am going to take your advice and not do a repeat playdate with this boy. This is a really small town (village) and everyone knows everyone. We are pretty much all neighbors so it's hard to say no when someone asks for a playdate.
I also like the advice about setting the time ahead of time.
Again, I don't have any issues with the children's behavior but am frustrated that their parents don't even make an effort to encourage, reprimand (too strong a word but that's the idea), guide, help...what have you their kids' behaviors in a social setting.

[mackmama]

I totally feel for you and have been in the same situations. Honestly part of me doesn't get or understand the point of these playdates at this age. Yes, of course it is for socialization - I get that, and it's important. Yet often the kids don't socialize and aren't even in the same room! I have had many experiences similar to your first scenario, and I agree with your frustration. While the dumping of toys doesn't really bother me (our playroom was a tornado-mess the other day after a playdate), it does bother me when the other parent doesn't intervene or try to encourage interaction. My DC is always the one saying "come play with me" or trying to interact, and so often the other child doesn't even acknowledge DC. It's so frustrating because it confuses DC, and I don't want DC to be getting a message that no one wants to play or that it's ok to ignore someone's efforts.

I digress. My own BP is over. :)

I would suggest that you shorten the playdates. I usually say "I'd love a playdate. We have to be somewhere at noon, so how about from 9:30a-11:30a?" I like to be clear about timing and any expectations about food/snack/meals from the get-go.

[Simon]

Its not so much that you are wrong, but rather that different parents have different levels of tolerance for certain behaviors and different expectations for their own children and different ideas about playdates. Different isn't wrong but it can be very frustrating.

Honestly, at that age, we only have playdates with kids whose parents I know and like. That makes it really a family get together and I'm okay with that. If I think my preschool aged kid needs more time to play or just interact with other kids we go someplace public where we can expect to find other kids: park, library, cafe/restaurant for families, open gym, etc. That way, I can take my kids and leave if it turns out the other kids present are acting out or the parents are not taking action in a way that I expect.

[squimp]

I don't know. While I would personally correct my kid and encourage them to be a kind friend and share, I'm not super phased with the idea of letting them work it out.

I tend to think this way as well. DD did a lot of playdates in preschool, and I tended to just let them do what they wanted, with an ear to the kids, but mostly just letting them play. The hardest part for my DD always was the leaving (parting is such sorrow), so we had to do a lot of practice, modeling and talking about that. And allowing some time for clean up - my DD quickly learned that she would have to clean up if she didn't get her friends to help before they left, so that worked to my advantage to allow some cleanup time. I also tended to have her play with kids that she got along with. If she didn't, I would not encourage another playdate. But I agree, preschool playdates can be messy, ugly, crying disasters and I don't blame anyone for minimizing that aspect in any way you can.

[carolinacool]

Its not so much that you are wrong, but rather that different parents have different levels of tolerance for certain behaviors and different expectations for their own children and different ideas about playdates. Different isn't wrong but it can be very frustrating.

True. Like I said, my son is one to keep to himself a lot around other kids. I do try to encourage him to play with others, but I know if I pester him too much, he'll turn around and say "No, I don't want to play with XXX!" Been there, done that. That's why we've only had play dates with this one classmate who I know he really, really likes and will really play with. Otherwise, when we're hanging out with family friends, he's free to pay with the stuff I can bring with us (I won't let him be rude while playing with other kids' stuff) if he doesn't want to be social. I figure, he's not quite 4 yet and he deems in general to be more immature than similar aged girls in his class. I'm hopeful that in six months, his interactions will be better.

[Sweetum]

here are some ideas:
- I always ask DS to figure out which ones he absolutely does not want to share. I put those away and tell him so that they are not be asked for during the playdate. If he does, I repeat to him and explain to the mom.
- I make different rules for playdate. Our home rule says we always clean-up, but in a playdate we focus less of cleaning up and more on our guests etc.
- I also tell DS that different families have different rules. I don't know if he gets it, but I tell him anyway
- If I think the place is getting too cluttered, I announce that it's time to clean up a bit and then play more. This is not directed at anyone but a general announcement and I find that everyone, moms included :D, starts complying.
- We also sometimes take our own game/toys to a playdate to "share". DS might not be interested in the toys or won't know how to play a game that the friend might have and there is a better chance of success when I take something he already knows.
- Tell the mom that I prefer to do 1 to 1.5 hour playdates ahead of time so they know what to expect. Not rudely, but nicely saying that that's all DS can do. If it goes over and everyone seems happy, I go along. The problem happens when they don't leave :D so, it's always a good idea to have someplace to go to that you can remind DD that you need to be there after the playdate.
- I always have a snack break giving the kids a chance to regroup. It breaks up a cycle of whatever and allows for new play.

For the first scenario, I would limit access to all toys. Leave only some out and make the announement of clean up. It's ok if the other child and/or mom is not cleaning up, but you and your child are and pretty soon they'll catch on. bet you, it will be the kid who will be the first one! I'm afraid nothing much can be done if the kid is not engaging. maybe next time you can have some crafts/coloring type of activities so your child is doing something without expecting another to join in.
For the second scenario, I would definitely take a game. I also sometimes take a snack to share and make my own snack time and they only need to serve water. It won't be rude if you present it appropriately. If the other toys are special to the child that she does not share, you can bring up your own concept of putting away special ones that you don't share, except in this case they have not been put away.

For me playdates are work, but I don't mind it since DS needs them with his social issues. But I think with typical kids it will be work only the first few times, and they will soon catch on. Besides, not everyone can be everyone's friend. I would try a few times and the just explain to the mom that it does not appear that they are enjoying each other's company much and we should try again in some time.

[daisysmom]

I absolutely do not believe in letting 3-5 year olds manage playdates by themselves. However, I hang out with the moms and talk but most times, the child prefers to play with his/her mom or the mom goes over and starts a game.

From 3 on, I never managed play dates. Into a safe room with toys they went and they would work it out and I didn't check on them unless someone came to me crying. I really learned this through other irl friends, as most of the kids that dd was close with were the youngest of several children. Everyone here did drop off okay dates once kids were potty trained or 3 or so, so it just is different where I live. My only rule is that everything got cleaned up before the other child left.

Since my dd is a girl, maybe the difference really is progressing beyond parallel play? This'd little boy just wasn't there yet maybe?

Pl

[magnoliaparadise]

Hi,
I haven't read the whole thread, but I wanted to add my two cents that I find that we do tailored 'house rules' depending upon the family that comes over. For most, I mention to everyone (parents included) that we are working on cleaning up in our home (we are, a work in progress!) so as part of that, 15 minutes before the kids are going to leave, all the kids have to pick up the toys. (And generally, I have talked with the mom ahead of time and we know how long the playdate will be). I find that this works well - either the other mom/dad enforces this rule and makes the kids all pick up the toys, or the mom/dad doesn't enforce it and instead of making his/her kids pick up, runs around picking up the house before or during that 15 minutes - which is fine with me, as long as I'm not left with a crazy disheveled mess after the kids leave.
For some families that we have had experience with kids totally taking out all the containers, etc, I will make a rule that we can only take out 2 (or whatever number) containers at a time before picking things up.
Other house rules - this is the tailored part: For one family where the kids went and ate my food (!) in the fridge with out asking me, I made a rule the next time they came that they couldn't eat my food (or even enter the kitchen) without asking first - always said pleasantly by me and with my kids included. And another time, a rule that if the guests (they were siblings) fought over a toy and wouldn't stop, I or their parent would take away the toy (ie in that case, the parent wasn't stepping in and the kids were really being tough with each other in my house and making it uncomfortable for everyone so I just made that rule and next time, I just took the toy away - easy peasy, I couldn't believe it!)
It's actually kinda liberating... as in: my house, my rules. Now, you'd think... are these rules truly necessary for 5, 6, 7, 8 year olds? One would think not, but in my case, for some guests, they are, so I accept it.
And the playdates have gotten much better.
What I see is that if I don't like something in my house with guests, it feels so much better once I change it.

[TwinFoxes]

OP, I may be wrong, so forgive me. I know you're have difficulties adjusting to life in Germany. I think maybe you're seeing things through that prism. Maybe subconsciously this is just another example of Germany being "wrong" (for lack of a better term) compared to the US. A lot of us have said that the behaviors you describe are not outside the norm. Maybe not ideal, but not unheard of. I guess I'm just saying don't read too much into the play dates, and try not to look at it as right vs wrong, here vs there. Good luck. :hug:

[123LuckyMom]

here are some ideas:
- I always ask DS to figure out which ones he absolutely does not want to share. I put those away and tell him so that they are not be asked for during the playdate. If he does, I repeat to him and explain to the mom.
- I make different rules for playdate. Our home rule says we always clean-up, but in a playdate we focus less of cleaning up and more on our guests etc.
- I also tell DS that different families have different rules. I don't know if he gets it, but I tell him anyway
- If I think the place is getting too cluttered, I announce that it's time to clean up a bit and then play more. This is not directed at anyone but a general announcement and I find that everyone, moms included :D, starts complying.
- We also sometimes take our own game/toys to a playdate to "share". DS might not be interested in the toys or won't know how to play a game that the friend might have and there is a better chance of success when I take something he already knows.
- Tell the mom that I prefer to do 1 to 1.5 hour playdates ahead of time so they know what to expect. Not rudely, but nicely saying that that's all DS can do. If it goes over and everyone seems happy, I go along. The problem happens when they don't leave :D so, it's always a good idea to have someplace to go to that you can remind DD that you need to be there after the playdate.
- I always have a snack break giving the kids a chance to regroup. It breaks up a cycle of whatever and allows for new play.

For the first scenario, I would limit access to all toys. Leave only some out and make the announement of clean up. It's ok if the other child and/or mom is not cleaning up, but you and your child are and pretty soon they'll catch on. bet you, it will be the kid who will be the first one! I'm afraid nothing much can be done if the kid is not engaging. maybe next time you can have some crafts/coloring type of activities so your child is doing something without expecting another to join in.
For the second scenario, I would definitely take a game. I also sometimes take a snack to share and make my own snack time and they only need to serve water. It won't be rude if you present it appropriately. If the other toys are special to the child that she does not share, you can bring up your own concept of putting away special ones that you don't share, except in this case they have not been put away.

For me playdates are work, but I don't mind it since DS needs them with his social issues. But I think with typical kids it will be work only the first few times, and they will soon catch on. Besides, not everyone can be everyone's friend. I would try a few times and the just explain to the mom that it does not appear that they are enjoying each other's company much and we should try again in some time.

I would echo this post, although I have never had DS take a toy elsewhere, but it's a great idea! We do the putting special toys away, the whole group clean-up, the time limit, and the snack. My DS just turned 5 and is neuro typical.

I don't think the behavior you described is out of the norm for the kids or the moms. I tend not to interfere too much in play dates. Usually I'm not even in the same room as the children. I'm chatting with the other moms as the kids play. If they need help, they come ask, and that is the point at which I would get involved. For example, in your first scenario, if my DD came to me and said, "he's not playing with me, and he dumped out all the toys," I would say, "Well he might not feel like playing with anybody now. He might just be happy to be with you. Let's find something you want to play with. Don't worry about the mess. We'll all clean up before he leaves." Or I might go in and start a clean-up then.

At the next play date (perhaps with different kids), I would try sitting with the mom in a different room than where the kids are playing. Let them navigate their social world. You can and should help her navigate the situation if your daughter comes to you with a problem, but otherwise, I'd let her figure it out. That's sort of the point of socialization, to learn how to socialize. Remember, your DD will have her own toy with her (not something special that she's be reluctant to share) so she's got something fun to do.

If you don't feel comfortable being in a different space, try hard not to be stressed or critical or to interfere too much. Your daughter will pick up these cues from you. I, personally, would have done a little more guiding than the moms you mentioned, but I wouldn't assume they are more permissive than you or that they have different values based on what you describe. I would assume that they expected you to set the rules in your home and for your DD to navigate the situation. They don't know you and she are both new to play dates.

[fedoragirl]

Thank you all for the perspective and some excellent ideas. bullkin, I am subscribing to this thread. :)
TwinFoxes, thanks for that perspective too. I am no longer feeling as homesick and am adjusting to my life here pretty well...or rather, much better than before. So, it's not as dire as "they're wrong" and we're right."
I am confused about expectations from children here because it is not what I experienced when I lived in the States. I have never been to anyone's house where it was ok to fight/argue/hit another child. A parent (where we live) doesn't intervene when two kids are clearly upset over a toy. When the situation is clearly not getting resolved, I feel that I need to model that social skill of negotiation and I intervene and take the toy away or tell DD how to ask nicely. Isn't that what most people do?
Most of you mentioned to leave the kids alone and not interfere. That IS what I try to do but this is when moms do interfere. I have to follow their cue or sit by myself in the living room. I have tried this on every playdate and the mom just wanders in with the kid, he or she opens a game or toy and the mom joins in or the kid invites her to play.
Again, we are not new to playdates. We are new to playdates in Germany. I know the behavior that is expected of me and yes, I am exacting about being polite and kind. I don't expect the other parents to have that standard but I do expect the same level of social mannerisms as I was used to before. KWIM?
Also, there is no issue of having favorite toys out or not. Everything in the playroom can be played by our visitors. My kids are not that attached to any single toy that they wouldn't share. It's probably because we don't have individual toys but family toys. I am not upset with the boy for dumping toys but I would not allow DD to do that if I was present in the same room. Wouldn't you? If not, why not?
Anyway, I find this behavior of the parents unsettling and not at all the norm....not where I come from. BTW, DH (who is from this town) cannot fathom this behavior either.

So, how do you all teach your kids social skills? Do you just let them figure it out or model any behavior? When does that happen? During the playdate or at home? I can't figure out how this "learn to socialize" happens without actually showing them what you expect, want to happen. It certainly didn't work for me when I was a kid and I sure wish my parents would have helped me as I was such a shy and introverted child.

Maybe I need to change guiding DD's choice of words or actions for another time because I do it during the playdate. Just to clarify, I am not sitting there micromanaging (as a PP said) every single thing she does and says. I do ask her to greet her guests and wish them goodbye. I have never asked her to share because that is something we talk about before the guest gets here. I only respond to comments or complaints that she brings to me during the playdate. I also intervene when there is a disagreement between the children and they have been arguing about it for 2-3 min. and are getting nowhere.

[fedoragirl]

From 3 on, I never managed play dates. Into a safe room with toys they went and they would work it out and I didn't check on them unless someone came to me crying. I really learned this through other irl friends, as most of the kids that dd was close with were the youngest of several children. Everyone here did drop off okay dates once kids were potty trained or 3 or so, so it just is different where I live. My only rule is that everything got cleaned up before the other child left.

Since my dd is a girl, maybe the difference really is progressing beyond parallel play? This'd little boy just wasn't there yet maybe?



Again, not upset that the boy didn't want to play. Expected the parent to say something to him or communicate something to me. He is in preschool with her and plays with all the other kids. But I know kids act differently when they are home or at someone's house. Not a problem.
There will be no dropoff playdates here as no one does that. Trust me, I've asked and I always get the same response...meet and have coffee and the kids can play. I have always offered to host the kid at my place and I take responsibility for the playdate. No go.

[hellokitty]

Hmm, 4 is still at that age where some kids are interacting more with other kids and some kids are still doing side-by-side play. I think it is a high expectation to think that 4 yr olds would play nicely together. We go to a lot of playgroups and this is what I notice. The boys don't interact as much as the girls do. The girl play is more interactive, so maybe the issue is that your dd should hang out more with girls who are more like her, since that seems to be more of your expectation. The behavior that you described of the two boys in the OP, sound very typical for me for boys that age. As a parent, I will say something, BUT I wouldn't come down on them really hard, b/c they are just being, "normal" in my eyes as a child that age, it's not atypical behavior.

What I may suggest is that if there are too many toys in your play area, to put some away, so it is not so overwhelming to the children who come over. If your dd needs help with interacting with the other child, maybe set up an activity. Like doing playdoh, a craft together, etc. first, and then do open play. Basically, the activity, can be kind of like an ice breaker. I really think that 4 yr olds can vary so much, so I am not saying that your dd is atypical, BUT if this is a big deal for you, find other 4 yr olds who are more on the same level as your dd. I just find that girls seem to be more into play together, vs. playing alongside each other, earlier than most boys. I find that when boys interact together, usually it involves more fighting over toys,or warrior play rather than true interaction. This is why I rarely ever host playgroup with my current 4 yr old. He has a very dominate personality and I feel like I am constantly having to play mediator when we do playdates, esp with other boys, who also may have a stronger personality.

[123LuckyMom]

As far as guiding/instructing during a play date, I do think that should be minimal. Let me give an example. Last night DS, BF girl, and BF boy were leaving swim class. The children were having a great time together. They had just had free swim, showered, shouted into the echo room (the squash court) and were running ahead from us outside. They were allowed to run ahead to appointed places. My DS was the leader, because he knew the places to stop. The route is a hill. At one stop point, DS started to run ahead. BF girl decided it wasn't time to run yet and caught the hood of his jacket to stop him. He was yanked back, then fell forward, tore his pajamas and scraped his knee. He was not terribly hurt physically, but he was angry and very upset about his pajamas. He was crying. When he told me what happened, BF girl started crying because she was only trying to follow the rules, and she felt it wasn't fair for DS to be angry at her.

Both children needed to learn lessons. DS needed to learn that he had some responsibility for running ahead. He also needed to learn to try hard not to hurt someone else's feelings when their intentions were good. He also needed to learn to forgive and not hold a grudge. BF girl needed to learn that it was not her place to enforce the rules. She also needed to learn that grabbing a running person's jacket hood is dangerous. Was it important to stand there and do all that work right then. No. It would not have been helpful. Everybody needed to calm down and have time to process. Had BF girl's mom tried to make BF girl apologize, I guarantee it would have been a disaster. Likewise, DS was not ready to forgive. By the time we got home, DS was ready to call and tell BF girl he was angry at the injury, not at BF girl and he didn't want her to feel bad. Likewise, BF girl was cheery and said she was sorry she grabbed his good. Friendship restored. Often that's true in a play date, too. You discuss the behavior beforehand (as you mentioned you do with sharing) and afterwards rather than interfering in the moment. It's usually more helpful that way and makes more of an impression because the children have an experienced example to draw upon.

I also don't think it's odd for a parent and child to come into a play date and start playing together. I would imagine you should get down, too, and join in with your DD. You can model the behavior you would like to see in your DD by interacting with the other child and parent. Doing is usually much more instructive than telling.

[fedoragirl]

As far as guiding/instructing during a play date, I do think that should be minimal. Let me give an example. Last night DS, BF girl, and BF boy were leaving swim class. The children were having a great time together. They had just had free swim, showered, shouted into the echo room (the squash court) and were running ahead from us outside. They were allowed to run ahead to appointed places. My DS was the leader, because he knew the places to stop. The route is a hill. At one stop point, DS started to run ahead. BF girl decided it wasn't time to run yet and caught the hood of his jacket to stop him. He was yanked back, then fell forward, tore his pajamas and scraped his knee. He was not terribly hurt physically, but he was angry and very upset about his pajamas. He was crying. When he told me what happened, BF girl started crying because she was only trying to follow the rules, and she felt it wasn't fair for DS to be angry at her.

Both children needed to learn lessons. DS needed to learn that he had some responsibility for running ahead. He also needed to learn to try hard not to hurt someone else's feelings when their intentions were good. He also needed to learn to forgive and not hold a grudge. BF girl needed to learn that it was not her place to enforce the rules. She also needed to learn that grabbing a running person's jacket hood is dangerous. Was it important to stand there and do all that work right then. No. It would not have been helpful. Everybody needed to calm down and have time to process. Had BF girl's mom tried to make BF girl apologize, I guarantee it would have been a disaster. Likewise, DS was not ready to forgive. By the time we got home, DS was ready to call and tell BF girl he was angry at the injury, not at BF girl and he didn't want her to feel bad. Likewise, BF girl was cheery and said she was sorry she grabbed his good. Friendship restored. Often that's true in a play date, too. You discuss the behavior beforehand (as you mentioned you do with sharing) and afterwards rather than interfering in the moment. It's usually more helpful that way and makes more of an impression because the children have an experienced example to draw upon.

I also don't think it's odd for a parent and child to come into a play date and start playing together. I would imagine you should get down, too, and join in with your DD. You can model the behavior you would like to see in your DD by interacting with the other child and parent. Doing is usually much more instructive than telling.

Thank you. That was illuminating and helped me understand another POV and parenting style, more clearly.

[mackmama]

I'd love to ask a related question if OP doesn't mind. How do you all get the kids involved in the playdate to stay in the same room?? We have a playroom, but my almost-3yo DC often leaves the room during the play date to play somewhere else. Then I never know if I should be trying to get my DC to stay in the playroom or if I should encourage the other child/mom to follow us. My DC gets a little overwhelmed at times which I think is is why DC leaves the room.


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[fedoragirl]

I am the OP, and I don't mind.
In the past, DD has left the room several times to go and get some toys or just disappeared. LOL I check on her and return to the playroom and wait for her to come back. Sometimes, it's 5 min. and sometimes 15 or more min. If the other child goes looking for her, we follow and help him or her find DD, and return to the playroom.