Would you make DD apologize? Hurting adult's feelings

[lalasmama]

DD is with her auntie for the weekend. Auntie is typically all kinds of fun--she bakes, lets DD stay up late, watch whatever she wants on TV, took her to see a movie Friday night, riding down the stairs on cardboard boxes, etc. All kinds of Auntie fun mom would freak out about.

We were going to pick DD up tonight, but it was just too late, and my anxiety was too high (DH and I had spent hours in the car already today, and I felt like we were moments away from an accident the whole time). Three more hours in the car just wasn't going to happen.

As we were told, Auntie tells DD we will get her tomorrow, and DD is sullen. Auntie says, "aren't you having fun?" DD, quite honestly, tells her, "no." But when I talked with DD, she said she's having fun, watching TV, got to spend time with grandpa, got to swim in the hot tub... I think DD said no because, at that exact moment, nothing "fun" was occurring.

DH is embarrassed that DD said she wasn't having fun, and was moping. He thinks DD needs to apologize for hurting Auntie's feelings.

I think DD was just being honest. She didn't mean to hurt Auntie's feelings, but (at that moment), she answered Auntie's question honestly.

We've been having LOTS of conversations about not lying, and speaking up when you don't like something, so, I see it that DD was practicing what we've been talking so much about.

But DH still thinks DD shouldn't have said what she did, and should apologize. For the record, DH and I both apologized to Auntie already.

Do we need to make DD apologize too? If so, just "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings" or something more?

[ShanaMama]

If she had said something nasty, I'd consider that hurting her feelings. Answering the question she was asked simply & honestly doesn't sound like hurting feelings. As a mom I know never to ask certain questions unless I'm ready for honest answers. (Like if I ask my nephews if they liked my gift they might say no.) Also, in the general context, she was just told she'd be spending another night away from her mom, which she wasn't expecting. I think she reacted quite appropriately.

[niccig]

I Also, in the general context, she was just told she'd be spending another night away from her mom, which she wasn't expecting. I think she reacted quite appropriately.

My DS would have burst into tears! And he's about your DD's age. I think she did great to not cry and all she said she wasn't having fun, because at that moment it wasn't fun to be told you'll have to wait longer than you expected to see your mum again.

[magnoliaparadise]

Ohhh, I think Auntie must not be used to children if she asked such a question!

How old is DD? Is Auntie your husband's sister? I

I think it can go either way, but if the moment has passed, and if Auntie is not upset, I would let it go. If Auntie does still seem upset, and I thought it might affect their relationship, then i would say something to both Auntie and DD. I would tell Auntie that kids say things all the time that come off as mean (if she has never had a child say 'I hate you' then she is ahead of most of us, surely...). And that your DD was missing you and very disappointed (I can TOTALLY see my DD saying that same thing in that situation). And if after the conversation you really felt like your amends weren't enough and Auntie was still upset, I might consider having DD say something - but if all were fine, I'd probably drop it.

You could let your daughter know and explain it within the context of hurting people. It's a very fine line to understand.

I agree with ShanaMama that the fact that your DD didn't mean to be nasty does make a difference to me. I once had a kind of similar experience, but with nastiness: I was an aunt without children of my own and took my nephew and cousins' kids to the playground. They were basically making fun of me, calling me fat repeatedly and laughing among themselves (btw, at the time, I was fit and not heavy, but it still hurt *even* though I knew that they were just trying to impress each other and playing around - and it would have hurt more if I were fat). I later told my sister and asked what I should have done.

While my sister did not make her son apologize (it didn't even occur to me to ask), she told me in no uncertain terms that next time that happened, I should haul them back to the house and tell them I was not interested in taking them to the playground anymore that day. She said nasty comments like that weren't appropriate and should be met with consequences.

But. As I said, that was different because the kids seemed like they were trying to be nasty and hurtful. Your DD was being honest.

It's a hard one, trying to teach kids when to be honest and when to be 'polite'. It's a subtle distinction.

We have a friend whose daughter is two years older than mine and used to give us a ton of hand me downs. One year, as a surprise and pre-Chanukah present, when they were visiting, I gave the daughter (then about 5 or 6 yo) a really nice Alex's arts and crafts box (which sells for about $30, though it cost me considerably less, thank you BBB!!). I thought I was being so gracious. I was really proud of myself. The mother thanked me, but the girl did an eye roll and looked all sour and said to her mother, 'I don't like this. I have one already.'
I waited for the mother to correct the girl. After a pause, the mother said: 'that's true, you got one from your cousins and you played with it.' And the girl said she was sick of that kind of art (something like that) and the mother dropped it.

Now... in *that* situation, I would have probably publicly told my kid to stop talking and to graciously accept the gift and then later, explained gift-receiving traditions (ie don't say you dislike a gift, try not to mention that you already have it, and be very humble and grateful) and I might ask my DD to apologize and re-state how nice it is to have received the gift (or at the very least, I would say something again showing my appreciation for the gift later and maybe apologize for my kid).

But what your kid did was different, IMHO. She was answering a question honestly.

[jacksmomtobe]

I don't think your dd should apologize. I think she was just reacting to being told you weren't coming to get her and wasn't distracted by fun activities and maybe felt a bit homesick. A very natural reaction. Her intent was not to be mean. You can maybe reiterate to the aunt when you pick up dd that dd talks about how much fun she has with her aunt and that the comment wasn't reflective of that because she was missing you.

[Melaine]

I would feel that she shouldn't apologize because I want to keep my DC comfortable with honest communication with caregivers. This may be because my kids are so timid, but I don't want them to be reluctant to be truthful with adults who are caring for them. For instance, I had to pick DD up from school a couple weeks ago because she was in tears. I worried all the way to school thinking someone had hurt her feelings but as soon as I got there she told me she had a tummy ache but didn't want to tell any of the teachers. She has tummy aches a LOT and she wasn't crying bc it was so bad, but because she wasn't sure what to do and was afraid to just say, my tummy hurts. What your DD said wasn't mean at all and not something I would bat an eye at if I was babysitting? Now, if it were me I might encourage DD to make a card or letter telling her auntie how much fun she had....if that wouldn't seem weird.

[AshleyAnn]

Kids say inappropriate things sometimes, they think in the now and just aren't capable of figuring out how saying X will make someone else feel 100% of the time. Heck most adults put their foot in their mouth a lot too! Auntie should get over it, it was an innocent comment. I don't know if making DD apologize will be a lesson for her to not say something like that in the future but if it makes Auntie happier just have her say a quick I'm sorry and move on. I'm not sure from reading your OP if Auntie is upset or if DH is upset. If Auntie isn't hurt then tell DH to let it go.

[georgiegirl]

Not at all. Auntie asked a slightly insensitive question to a child who has just been told that her mom isn't picking her up. It's normal for her to feel sad after learning that (no matter now much fun she was having.). Making her apologize would be sending the wrong message to her....that's she's supposed to suppress those feelings. After she said no, auntie should have said something to the effect of, "oh, I know you are disappointed that your mom can't get you now. I'm sure you miss her a lot." And then move on to something else. We shouldn't encourage our kids to lie to caretakers as a PP said.

[wellyes]

No, but do talk to her about empathy. Her reaction was age-appropriate, but she's also old enough to be told she did something insensitive and should be more tactful next time.

[TwinFoxes]

No, but do talk to her about empathy. Her reaction was age-appropriate, but she's also old enough to be told she did something insensitive and should be more tactful next time.

:yeahthat: Are auntie's feelings really hurt? Or does your DH just assume they are? Maybe DD can draw her a thank you card and write how much fun she had. A "you're the best auntie ever!" can go a long way. :)

[BunnyBee]

No. She was hurt you weren't coming to get her, sudden expectation change, etc. She was probably trying not to cry and no she wasn't having fun. I don't think anyone owes Auntie an apology. I would have explained why she said it to someone with no kid experience, but Auntie's question was ill timed. Of course DD had fun the rest of the weekend. Right that second she was hurt and disappointed. If she had fallen and skinned her knee and been upset, would she have been asked, "But aren't you having fun?!?!" and expected to apologize for answering truthfully? Why are Auntie's feelings more valid than DD's? I can't imagine an adult actually being hurt by what DD said, so if she really is, the issue seems to be more with her. Most adults would be empathetic to a kid missing her mom.

[crayonblue]

If she had said something nasty, I'd consider that hurting her feelings. Answering the question she was asked simply & honestly doesn't sound like hurting feelings. As a mom I know never to ask certain questions unless I'm ready for honest answers. (Like if I ask my nephews if they liked my gift they might say no.) Also, in the general context, she was just told she'd be spending another night away from her mom, which she wasn't expecting. I think she reacted quite appropriately.

I completely agree!!!!

[JustMe]

I also say no, your dd should not be made to apologize.
Auntie asked her straight out "Are you having fun?". Its not like your dd when on a rant about not having fun without being asked. Now the fact that your dd was probably having fun in general, but was very disappointed/sad in the moment, is a small technicality. I would not expect your dd to verbalize that exactly in the moment and, as others have said, it would have been a lot better if Auntie asked about or verbalized that your dd was feeling sad/disappointed in that moment (not that I blame her either, it just makes sense that your dd would respond to that question the way she did).

Now, there would be nothing wrong with you gently talking with your dd about how plans change, her auntie works hard to make her happy when she is there, etc...but not to get an apology out of her, nor to guilt trip her. Just to continue to work on understanding others' perspective as she grows up.

[lalasmama]

OP here.

Thanks for all the input! I told DH I wasn't comfortable making DD apologize. As many of you said, she was asked a loaded question when she was just told we wouldn't be there to pick her up, and when we talked to her a few hours later, DD said she was having fun, which we told Auntie.

Auntie (DH's sister) has 2 children slightly older than DD, so she's definitely heard her share of honest commentary about things. And in all fairness, it's only recently that DD has started speaking up (before, she thought she wasn't allowed to express a whole range of feelings; I have no idea what I did/said to make her think that, but I'm working on making sure that it's always okay to express emotions, whether happy/sad/mad/bored/annoyed/overjoyed/etc). I think Auntie was just so used to DD saying she was having fun no matter the situation, that when DD was honest and said she wasn't having fun, Auntie was just surprised.

Thanks again for all the input. I appreciate seeing the opinions, and knowing/reading that this is a typically age-appropriate response!

[Sweetum]

I would've apologized or asked for it in the moment, but kids do this all the time. So, I have learnt not to ask such a question :) I am sure Autie was not really looking for a response but more to remind and engage her.

[mackmama]

I would not have DD apologize for that. She was asked a question and gave an honest answer. If you have her apologize, she might then think that she can't be honest or start to minimize her own feelings (even to herself). I don't think she said it rudely either.

[Percycat]

:yeahthat: Are auntie's feelings really hurt? Or does your DH just assume they are? Maybe DD can draw her a thank you card and write how much fun she had. A "you're the best auntie ever!" can go a long way. :)

I agree with this. I expect Auntie will treasure a thank you card/special note more than an appology --- especially since the appoplogy will obviously be because DD was told to appologize. I'm sure DD has many things she loves about her time with Auntie she can include in a card or picture.