Difficult sister dynamics

[Gracemom]

I struggle so much with my relationship with one of my sisters, and I would love some feedback about how to handle this situation before seeing her at Thanksgiving. Sorry this is so long!

I see her about twice a year, which is all I can take. When I was in my 20's I realized she is the prototypical "mean girl" or "queen bee." She is superficially friendly but backstabs everyone. She makes backhanded compliments, tries to "improve" everyone around her, making them into clones of herself. She loves to point out how her husband, children, house, neighborhood, body, etc. are better than everyone else's. Seriously. No one else in my life acts like this. She has alienated 2 of our sisters and many of her long term friends. When I am around her, I feel sucked dry of all my happy thoughts. She is a dementor!

In my 20's I had a great therapist who gave me techniques to deal with her. I am an adult and I have a good life. I have the maturity to understand the dynamics and protect myself from my sister. However, my kids do not. I am worried about my sister's effects on them. I have the only girl out of that generation of kids. My sister has only boys and always wanted a girl. She has always tried to get close to my DD, who is 10. She claims how she is the favorite aunt (which she is not) and promises my DD things that she does not follow through on. She has told my DD that she will take her on trips (without asking my permission first) and the last time we saw her, she told her that she would take her to a very pricey summer camp, again without asking my permission. I told my sister that she needs to ask me and my DH before talking to my DD about any plans. Isn't that obvious??? But I feel like I need to do more. My DD is sporty and not really into fashion, and my sister has been critical of her appearance, especially her simple hair style. Why does my sister care??? And even though my DD's BMI is perfect, she has made comments about her weight. I made it very clean that she is not to comment on my DD's appearance AT ALL unless it's a compliment. My sister has made these comments to me my whole life. I am not going to let her belittle my DD!

So far, my DD enjoys going to her aunt's house. They have a lot of money, so there are a lot of "toys" to play with. We are already limiting the amount of time we spend with my sister. She does have good parts of her personality. When she is being authentic she can be a lot of fun. But when the competitive nasty side comes out, it's just awful. I have already promised my mom that we will go to the family Thanksgiving, and I do want to go to see everyone else. But I am just really worried about my sister's behavior around my DD. There are many, many other issues that frustrate me with my sister, but this is the one that bothers me the most. Anyone have a similar relative or any advice on how to cope?

[dogmom]

I think we don't give 10 year olds enough credit at times. I believe your DD is old enough to process some information her Aunt's behaivor. You could put it in terms that sometimes when people are anxious and insecure they can constantly compare themselves to other people to make them feel good. I’m sure you can talk about it in terms of how girls she knows in school act at times. I would probably talk about how you and your sister were different when you were kids (how you dealt with friends,etc.) . You can make it quite clear that you love your sister and that you think she can be great fun at times, but you want your DD to find her own way. That it’s not a loyalty issue for you, but you don’t want her aunt to try to make her something she is not. I think if you mentioned that any big thing (trip, camp, etc.)would be up to you and your DH and that it would not be her Aunt’s place to promise things without talking to you first. I would also address the issue of the comments of your DD weight head on and just tell her that her weight is fine, it’s in the healthy range, and any comments about it by your sister are your sister’s issue, not your daughter’s.

[mommylamb]

That's really crappy behavior by your sister.

Has your DD ever mentioned any of this to you? Or is it something that you've noticed is bothering her? If so, I would certainly address it along the lines of dogmom's suggestions. If not, I'd keep a very careful watch on your DD at Thanksgiving and try to be with her whenever she's in the vicinity of your sister so you can interject or pull your sister aside immediately if she makes any comments about DD's body, style, interests, etc.

This might not be fair, but if this were a consistent issue in my family, I wouldn't let DD go to her aunt's house when I wasn't there to supervise. My maternal grandmother was a very negative person (along with having other problems) and there came a point when my parents decided I couldn't go to my grandparents house unless they were there with me. I know it was a hard decision for them to make, but my grandmother was a very difficult person to be around and could be extremely critical and mean at times.

[crayonblue]

She makes backhanded compliments, tries to "improve" everyone around her, making them into clones of herself. She loves to point out how her husband, children, house, neighborhood, body, etc. are better than everyone else's. When I am around her, I feel sucked dry of all my happy thoughts.

Sounds like a typical narcissist. Most people associate that kind of behavior with insecurity but she may actually believe those things. They can be GREAT fun but suck the life out of you at the same time. My personal opinion, having a family member who behaves the same way around my kids, is to limit how much time they have around my kids thus limiting the effect of the behavior. And yes, I agree with dogmom that your daughter is old enough to process some information about her aunt's behavior.

Tough and I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. :(

[pinkmomagain]

I agree that your dd is old enough to have a somewhat frank conversation about your sister. That you love your sister but not always the things that she says. You can also maybe share that she has said similar things to you in the past. Maybe even that your sister doesn't always seem to think through what she says before she says it. Show dd how you filter out what you don't like about your sister and focus on what you do.

I'm hoping that perhaps this will be a large enough gathering that your dd will be focused on playing with cousins a bit more than mingling with the adults.

Good luck! It sounds hard, but I admire that you are trying to protect your dd from the things your sister says.

[Gracemom]

Thank you for the thoughts. I totally agree that she is a narcissist. And yes, there are cousins and other family members to do fun things with. That is the only reason we are going!

I do forget that my DD is old enough to talk about difficult things with. I asked her how she felt about going to the aunt's house for Thanksgiving, and she said "it should be fun, but I hope that she doesn't say anything about how I look." Wow. I had no idea she had picked up that vibe from her aunt already. We had a GREAT talk about how people we love, just like friends, can sometimes focus on the wrong things too much, like looks. And how some people like to "boss other people around." We talked about how she deals with girls at school like that, and how when those girls grow up, they still act the same sometimes. I emphasized how mom and dad think she is beautiful and perfect, and how her aunt likes a different kind of beautiful (lots of makeup, sparkles, etc.) My sister used to do pageants, and my DD is not into makeup at all.

I think this talk really opened up a good subject for me and my DD. It's sad that we have a relative like that, but we are developing good skills that we will use in the future. It makes me want to be even more careful around my sister. I'm going to have another talk with her about making sure she is positive about DD's looks, and stop trying to re-do her hair, asking her when she is going to get braces, telling her to stand up straight, etc. My DD is developing quickly, and the last thing she needs at this sensitive time is for someone to make comments about her that make her insecure about herself.