s/o Do you want to know all there is to know about your parents?

[wendibird22]

I was going to post this anyway but Lovin2shop's really peaked my interest.

So my question is, do you want to know all there is to know about your parents? Or do you think that the parent/child relationship means that some things shouldn't be shared?

I certainly think Lovin2shop's post is one example. My own example is that my mom has been battling depression off/on for the better part of the last decade. She takes meds and say a counselor she really liked for about 5 years. She recently confided in me that she felt her depression was taking over again, that her PCP is changing up her med (since she's been on the same one for so long) and she's going to start back up with a new counselor, this time a psychiatrist so that this person can prescribe RX (her last counselor was more a family/marriage counselor). Mom also admitted to me she has a hoarding problem (something I've known for a while and am glad she's admitting and getting help for). Anyway, in the course of this confession to me she says that there's a lot of things she wishes I knew about her, her childhood, her marriage (my parents have been separated for 14yrs but not divorced), etc that she thinks I should know, that would explain a lot about why she is the way she is, etc. She thinks I should want to know all there is to know and that she wishes she had known more about her parents true selves (I know she had a pretty emotionally abusive childhood with alcoholic parents). The thing is, I feel like I had a really good childhood, felt supported, was raised well, wasn't denied anything, and don't feel like I'm owed a "explanation" from mom. My brother and her had and continue to have a strained relationship and I think he's the one who maybe needs to better understand her. And I somewhat feel that even though she and I have always been close that I'm still her child, yes and adult, but the child and there's some things that a parent probably shouldn't tell their children. On the other hand, maybe I'm being selfish and that if telling me and being authentic helps her improve her mental health then I should let her.

So do you want to know all there is to know or should there be a parent/child boundary?

[WitMom]

Nope! Don't wanna know, no way, no how!

[mackmama]

I'm a big believer in boundaries. I do not need or want to know everything. I think that a parent should always "protect" their child's emotional well-being. I also think that means that there's still room for a more authentic adult-adult relationship but, at heart, I think that an awareness and respect should always be maintained about the parent-child roles.

[Sweetum]

no. I don't. like I mentioned on the other thread, I knew I was an accident but don't ever want to know if the thought of terminating crossed their minds. Now, I'm pro-choice, and it would be fine for them have weighed the options, but I don't want to know.

[icunurse]

I voted yes. I mean, I don't need to know every tiny detail, but if one of my parents felt I should know something, I would hear them out. In talking to my Dad, I have learned so much about his childhood,his stance on end-of-life care, and so much more. I know he was engaged before my Mom and I would live to know more, but he hasn't brought it up, so I feel that I probably shouldn't ask. Now he tells me little things about my Mom and her family and I would like to know more or at least my Mom's view on it, but she passed earlier this year. With her passing, I am finding so many little questions that I will now never know the answer to. So, yes, I would like to know more about my parents, but, again, not every tiny detail.

I also think that because my children were adopted I have the urge to fill voids in family history, mine and theirs. They are fortunate to have a lot of info from their birth families (we have open adoptions), but they will likely never get whole stories from both birth families.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I had to tell my mom a few years back that I was uncomfortable with her complaining about my dad to me. She knew my sister and I complained our spouses to each other and I guess she thought she could join in. She respected my boundary on it, thank goodness.

Eta- she used to complain a lot about him or tell me more than I wanted to know about their relationship (not bedroom type stuff, phew!). I'd always turn to dh and ask why she was telling me and not friends. She had friends. That's where one should vent.

[Binkandabee]

I'm going to answer that it depends on what it is. If it's something that they need to say to "clear their conscience" in some regard or get off their chest, but really would only be hurtful, I think should keep it to themselves. Otherwise, if my mom thinks it's important for me to know, I'm all ears.

As an example, my Mom told me on the day my Dad died that he had cheated on her. My parents had been long divorced and I knew things weren't perfect growing up as they had separated a time or two over the years. But I didn't know he cheated. That is probably something she really should have just kept to herself.

She also told me one day that a figurine my Dad gave me as a child was something he bought for his mistress and just gave it to me instead. I STILL don't know why she even told me this. I have had that figurine for as long as I can remember and it's now in my DD's room.

These kinds of things parents should protect kids from. But, things about her childhood, her relationship with her mother, those kinds of things I am more than willing to listen to. Even if I don't necessarily like what she has to say.

[Pyrodjm]

Absolutely not! I already know things I wish I could forget.

[wellyes]

Not necessarily, but if a parent wants to confide in her adult child about something deeply personal, I'd respect that. Just as I'd want my mom to listen if I had something difficult to get off my chest.

[georgiegirl]

I know a few things that are sensitive that are a little surprising. (My mom didn't tell me until I was an adult.). I don't really want to know about my parents relationship (they divorced when I was 15).

[elektra]

Some things I do not want to know and there are things I won't tell DD and DS if I think they have no benefit in knowing.
For instance, my dad told me something about my grandfather that I wish I never knew. He was already dead and there was no point.
But then I found out some stuff about my mom and I am glad to know it. It helped me understand her and have more forgiveness for certain things.

[hillview]

It really depends. I think (and for me this is true) there are things about my mom and her life when I was younger and her feelings towards me that would be hugely helpful as I try to sort some things out. I am a pretty introspectful person so for me that would be helpful. For another person it would be distrubing and unwanted info so YMMV. :)

[hellokitty]

I feel the same as most of the pp. Unless it is something really important, I don't really want to know. My parents actually talked about their childhoods often enough, that I don't feel like it was a complete mystery. However, it has always been hard to relate to them, they grew up in another country, where they did not have to deal with racism as children. I feel that they actually had happier, more carefree childhoods (at least my mom did), than we did, based a lot on how different our environment was (they grew up in a homogenous country where they fit in, we grew up here in the middle of nowhere, where we got bullied and teased all the time for being asian), so it sounds weird to say that I resent know that bit about them, but it's weird that they thought that coming the US would give us a better life, when, as we hear the way they talk about their childhood and young adult periods, that they had it easier than we did.

My mom has told me things that I wish she hadn't, things that basically had no positive purpose, except to serve as a way for her to vent, get things off her mind, but had a negative effect on me. For example, when I was a teenager, my mom (who has been in an unhappy marriage for almost 42 yrs) told me that she felt the reason my brothers and I were the way we are (not the way she had hoped we would turn out, and she felt that we were sad children), b/c she was so sad during her pregnancies (due to my dad), and due to that, we all came out the way we did. She seemed to have completely missed the point that it wasn't her pregnancy feelings that made us turn out the way we did, but the fact that we grew up in a dysfunctional, sad household, that made us the way we were! I was stunned when she told us this, she acted as if she had no control over it, and just came off sounding like a child with her weird theory. I realize that this makes it sound like she is depressed. She probably has been depressed for her entire marriage. However, I felt like she burdened me with negativity (disappointment of how her children are), that she should have just kept to herself, and I kind of resent her for having even said that. She has blamed us for other things too. As children, we would beg my mother to leave our dad. She would always tell us that she couldn't leave him, due to having to take care of the 3 of us, and that she could never have done it on her own, so it was basically our fault that she was stuck in a bad marriage?!?! Well, now we are all grown up, I have asked her again, and even said she could stay with us if she needed to, now she changes her tune, denies that she ever had thought about leaving my dad, blah, blah. My mom was very lonely and while I feel badly for her, I just felt like this is the kind of stuff that she should have saw a therapist about, or talked to an adult friend about. Dumping all of this emotional baggage on a tween/teenage daughter was NOT the way to do it. Basically, I feel like my relationship with my mom was not of a typical mother-daughter relationship at all, I sometimes felt like I was more mature than my mother was, she just seemed so out-of-touch with what was really going on (to this day, she still denies that our family is dysfunctional, even though everyone else who knows about what has gone on in our family would 100% agree that our family is really screwed up). I was already an anxious kid and it just basically did not help the situation to get dumped on like that by my mom. Oh and my dad has the emotional maturity of a tantruming 3 yr old. He said many mean things to us, told us he regretted ever having us, that we ruined his life. Stupid, crazy crap, like he could have won the nobel prize, but he didn't, and it was all due to his loser wife and kids (yes, this is pure delusion of grandeur, he is a big loser himself, I have no clue how he thought he would be anywhere on the playing field of nobel prize material) . Classic narcissist talk. He has always been a toxic person and he has said so many things that a loving parent should never say to his own children, I cannot even list all of them.

[Karinyc]

Not necessarily, but if a parent wants to confide in her adult child about something deeply personal, I'd respect that. Just as I'd want my mom to listen if I had something difficult to get off my chest.

Yes to the above. Adult being key. My parents, who were very loving, didn't understand the concept of boundaries. Due to that, our relationship was more akin to that of siblings, as opposed to parent & child. It can lead to a warped dynamic. Information & responsibilities were shared with me that ultimately undermined their parental authority and role. Now, as an adult, I understand them better. As a child and young teen, I didn't have the emotional maturity to comprehend them nor understand their reasoning and that caused resentment on my end. Even nowadays, I still feel like I have a parental role when it comes to dealing with my surviving parent. But, I've accepted it and looked past the frustration it caused early on.

[boolady]

Some things I do not want to know and there are things I won't tell DD and DS if I think they have no benefit in knowing.
For instance, my dad told me something about my grandfather that I wish I never knew. He was already dead and there was no point.
But then I found out some stuff about my mom and I am glad to know it. It helped me understand her and have more forgiveness for certain things.

Basically this, except substitute my mom for Elektra's dad in paragraph 2. I often wish I didn't know about some of the things my mom told me, but they definitely made me understand her, and her relationship with some of her relatives, much better.

[specialp]

It depends, but as an adult I am pretty open to listening so I voted “do tell.” I would want to be heard if it was me. I don’t have to take everything I hear as the truth, but more as it was the teller’s perception. Of course, there are boundaries. There needs to be a point, not a rehashing of the same vent you’ve heard for years or trying to get you to dislike one parent or relative, etc.

[anonomom]

I feel the same as most of the pp. Unless it is something really important, I don't really want to know. My parents actually talked about their childhoods often enough, that I don't feel like it was a complete mystery. However, it has always been hard to relate to them, they grew up in another country, where they did not have to deal with racism as children. I feel that they actually had happier, more carefree childhoods (at least my mom did), than we did, based a lot on how different our environment was (they grew up in a homogenous country where they fit in, we grew up here in the middle of nowhere, where we got bullied and teased all the time for being asian), so it sounds weird to say that I resent know that bit about them, but it's weird that they thought that coming the US would give us a better life, when, as we hear the way they talk about their childhood and young adult periods, that they had it easier than we did.

My mom has told me things that I wish she hadn't, things that basically had no positive purpose, except to serve as a way for her to vent, get things off her mind, but had a negative effect on me. For example, when I was a teenager, my mom (who has been in an unhappy marriage for almost 42 yrs) told me that she felt the reason my brothers and I were the way we are (not the way she had hoped we would turn out, and she felt that we were sad children), b/c she was so sad during her pregnancies (due to my dad), and due to that, we all came out the way we did. She seemed to have completely missed the point that it wasn't her pregnancy feelings that made us turn out the way we did, but the fact that we grew up in a dysfunctional, sad household, that made us the way we were! I was stunned when she told us this, she acted as if she had no control over it, and just came off sounding like a child with her weird theory. I realize that this makes it sound like she is depressed. She probably has been depressed for her entire marriage. However, I felt like she burdened me with negativity (disappointment of how her children are), that she should have just kept to herself, and I kind of resent her for having even said that. She has blamed us for other things too. As children, we would beg my mother to leave our dad. She would always tell us that she couldn't leave him, due to having to take care of the 3 of us, and that she could never have done it on her own, so it was basically our fault that she was stuck in a bad marriage?!?! Well, now we are all grown up, I have asked her again, and even said she could stay with us if she needed to, now she changes her tune, denies that she ever had thought about leaving my dad, blah, blah. My mom was very lonely and while I feel badly for her, I just felt like this is the kind of stuff that she should have saw a therapist about, or talked to an adult friend about. Dumping all of this emotional baggage on a tween/teenage daughter was NOT the way to do it. Basically, I feel like my relationship with my mom was not of a typical mother-daughter relationship at all, I sometimes felt like I was more mature than my mother was, she just seemed so out-of-touch with what was really going on (to this day, she still denies that our family is dysfunctional, even though everyone else who knows about what has gone on in our family would 100% agree that our family is really screwed up). I was already an anxious kid and it just basically did not help the situation to get dumped on like that by my mom. Oh and my dad has the emotional maturity of a tantruming 3 yr old. He said many mean things to us, told us he regretted ever having us, that we ruined his life. Stupid, crazy crap, like he could have won the nobel prize, but he didn't, and it was all due to his loser wife and kids (yes, this is pure delusion of grandeur, he is a big loser himself, I have no clue how he thought he would be anywhere on the playing field of nobel prize material) . Classic narcissist talk. He has always been a toxic person and he has said so many things that a loving parent should never say to his own children, I cannot even list all of them.

So much of what you experienced sounds so familiar to my own childhood, right down to the "We could have been so happy if we just hadn't had you kids." song and dance.

My parents both definitely fell into the inappropriate overshare camp. She loved to talk about how miserable she was with my dad and what disappointments we kids were turning out to be. One of her favorite weapons was to claim one family member or another had been against their adopting me and my sibs. Some days, it was her MIL who said she never should have adopted, other days it was her own mother or my dad, it all depended on the way in which she wanted to hurt us that day.

My dad was better, but barely. Once we were teenagers, my dad would give long soliloquies on how unhappy my mom made him and how much he regretted the way our lives were. But he never actually took any action to protect us and in fact made it clear that he'd rather cut me from his life than ever actually leave my mom. As a kid, I saw him as an ally but in retrospect his actions were almost as messed up as hers, just not as deliberately hurtful.

So back then, yeah, I wish both of them had kept their mouths shut. I didn't need to hear from them how much they hated each other, their lives and us kids. But if I got to talk to them now (they're both dead, so this is strictly fantasy), I would love to know how they got to that place of hatred and anger. As an adult, I've learned that my mom's parents weren't great -- her dad was openly contemptuous of her and apparently her mom was cold and borderline abusive (though she was an awesome grandmother). That helps me understand my mom a tiny bit better, but I would still like an explanation for their behavior.

[pinkmomagain]

My mom has been frank about some things and I'm glad that I do know about them. But I'm a big "knowledge=power" kind of person.

eta: Just to make it clear, I'm in favor of hearing about most of these parental disclosures as an adult, not as a child.

[wendibird22]

My mom was very lonely and while I feel badly for her, I just felt like this is the kind of stuff that she should have saw a therapist about, or talked to an adult friend about.

See this is where I'm at too. I have no disillusions about her, her parent, my dad or his parents. I've always known how bad her childhood was. That as the oldest daughter she pretty much raised her sisters while her mom went to the bar and had affairs. I've always known that the relationship between her and my dad's mom was barely tolerable and that my grandma never thought my mom or her family were good enough for my dad. I know that my mom has abandonment issues and that impacted her marriage because she found my dad's outside hobbies as choosing them over her and that was a source of great tension in their marriage. It would surprise me if my dad had an affair. And like I said I don't think she owes me an apology or explanation for anything. I think she believes that she needs to share additional info to explain herself and why she is the way she is. I don't see how that helps me. Maybe if I were the one in therapy and needing an explanation about why she is this/that way it would be different but I just can't help feel like she wants to unload a tractor trailer worth of emotional baggage on me that as her daughter I shouldn't have the burden of carrying.

[MontrealMum]

Both my parents are horrific oversharers that lack boundaries. There are lots of things about both of them that I wish I could un-know. There are friends, and there are therapists for that kind of stuff. And I am neither.

[elektra]

Ok, maybe I should be thankful for my mom's guarded, distant nature my whole childhood and adult life! I think it was more of her coping mechanism, but she never told me anything about her feelings, childhood, nada. I never found out about certain things until I was an adult. And while I never got to know her well, I can see how over sharing could be so stressful for a child too.

[hellokitty]

Wendibird and Anonomom, just wanted to give you guys a big :hug:. I feel like this stuff kind of weighs on you, even when you try not to let it eat at you. Since the realization when I was in my 20's, and then when I became a parent in my 30's (this is when I realize just how crappy my parents were, that they were so screwed up to have parented in such an unnaturally dysfunctional way), I now swing from being angry to being sad about the household I grew up in and that even to this day, the family dyamics are still so screwed up, but everyone just tip toes around it. My parents are still in denial, in fact they still blame us kids for many of their own problems. So the latest thing is that my dumb dad who retired almost a yr ago (he did it kicking and screaming, he didn't want to retire, but he REALLY needed to retire), has made the craptastic decision to move closer to one of my brothers and is building a 5000 sq ft house. He told my brother that he is stressed out about the house and having to, "please everyone?" We are all like, WTF? Please who? Himself? He's NEVER tried to please anyone, but himself. He's not pleasing us, we are all upset that he is doing this (we all want them to downgrade to a condo), but as usual he doesn't care what anyone else thinks, but he probably realizes this is a bad decision, so is already painting the picture that it's our fault again, b/c he refuses to take any responsibility for his own actions. My mom is his #1 enabler, if he decided to drive over a cliff, she'd probably just go along with it, so she is not happy with the decision, but as usual, just going along with him, since it is the path of least resistance. My siblings have basically given up and say that we should just let them behave the way that they behave, b/c they will never change. I get that they will never change, but I do not think that it's healthy (for us, the adult kids) to continue letting them just do whatever the hell they want to do, and leaving trail of emotional carnage behind everytime we come into contact with them.

I have a horrible relationship with my dad, and a big part of that is b/c he knows that I won't put up with his BS, and I am one of the only family members who has ever challenged him, and openly despises me for it, and I'm pretty much the family scapegoat. I'm lucky that my brothers can see through my dad, but my mom cannot. She turns around and blames me for being, "mean" to my dad. To her, "mean" = not letting him do whatever he wants to do, setting boundaries is in their opinion, unreasonable of me. I will ignore, walk away or hang up on him if he acts inappropriately. I don't think I am being mean about it. For ppl like him, you cannot get through to them by being nice, it just really ticks me off that this is what I have had to resort to. Of course, he STILL doesn't get it, that HE causes ppl to react like this, instead he blames the other person. If I didn't care so much about my mom, I would have cut ties with my dad long ago, but as someone else pointed out above, my mom was not really the ally I thought she was, I look back and see that she played a huge role, by enabling him, and so I end up having mixed feelings about her too. Flipping back and forth btwn feeling sorry for her and then being angry that she allows herself to be a victim and put us in that sort of situation to begin with and always defends him.

[minnie-zb]

I'm child to a parent who does not seem to understand appropriate child/parent boundaries. Sadly my parent does not get this at all and she thinks it is more than appropriate to dump stuff on me -- this has gone on all through my life. Even as a little kid I was privy to information which was not necessary. Then she would get mad at me when I shared the information with other people. I honestly don't think it ever occurred to her that a little kid does not have the coping abilities to deal with the info nor the filter to know when to shut up. A few years ago she dropped a really big bomb on me (again, it was handled very poorly) and it does help me to understand some of why she is the way she is, but it also raised so many more questions for me. I think I have a very dysfunctional relationship with my mother. Actually just typing this makes me really sad.

[minnie-zb]

Ok, maybe I should be thankful for my mom's guarded, distant nature my whole childhood and adult life! I think it was more of her coping mechanism, but she never told me anything about her feelings, childhood, nada. I never found out about certain things until I was an adult. And while I never got to know her well, I can see how over sharing could be so stressful for a child too.

This sadly sounds like me. I think I've boomeranged from my mother's style to very quiet and guarded with everyone. I hope my kids don't grow up feeling like this, but I'm afraid they will say the same thing.

[MamaMolly]

Group therapy thread!! Love it!

When I was 16 my parents divorced. During the process, my mom used me as her therapist and told me ALL kinds of things I should have never known about my father. Stuff that, as an adult SHE chose to ignore when SHE chose to marry him and stay married for 30 years. It is the kind of intimate stuff you might not even tell your good friends about your husband, but for some incredibly self centered reason she decided to tell me those things about my dad.

It was extremely hurtful. She raised us with a bad case of Hero-Daddy worship and for her to betray every private falling of his from the time he was 21 to 52 was downright abusive IMO.

Flash forward another 20 years and this time it was my dad and step monster divorcing and HIM over sharing the gross horny antics of their twisted and sick 'open' marriage. VOMIT.

So no. I really don't want to know. If you wouldn't stand up in church and announce it to everyone then keep it to yourself.

[specialp]

Ok, maybe I should be thankful for my mom's guarded, distant nature my whole childhood and adult life! I think it was more of her coping mechanism, but she never told me anything about her feelings, childhood, nada. . . . .

Me, too! I had a friend in college whose parents lacked even the bare minimum of appropriate parental boundaries so I sympathize with everyone who has to deal with that. My mother is the opposite. I basically know nothing. She is a crazy strong person and has been through a lot, most of which I know about because of other sources. I know it is a coping mechanism and I do the same, but I wish I knew so much more.

[wendibird22]

Again thank you all so much for your perspectives. As you can probably tell from my initial post I was wondering if I was being selfish or wanting to be blissfully unaware. You've made me feel that I'm not alone in wanting to keep an appropriate parent/child relationship. I'm thinking that if she asks me again if she can share information with me (and really, I am grateful that she's asking first and not just blindsiding me with baggage) that I'll turn it back to her and ask that she first talk to her therapist about whether it is appropriate to share what she wants with her adult child. Maybe her therapist will then be able to discuss with her appropriate parent/child boundaries and help her to identify what should and shouldn't be shared with a daughter, even an adult one. I can imagine that this is something she didn't learn from her own mother since my mom was more of the adult than my grandma was.

[TxCat]

I'm child to a parent who does not seem to understand appropriate child/parent boundaries. Sadly my parent does not get this at all and she thinks it is more than appropriate to dump stuff on me -- this has gone on all through my life. Even as a little kid I was privy to information which was not necessary.

This, word for word.

My mother has always had trouble understanding how to parent in some ways, and one of the most obvious is how she has often treated my sister and me more as friends than children. Part of this she blames on her own lack of parenting and crummy childhood, which I totally get. Still, I was privy to a lot of things growing up that I wish I hadn't been, especially as they related to my dad. A few things she has been more secretive about, especially as they related to her own childhood, and she and I finally had a very honest, frank discussion of all of that a few years ago, at my instigation, which I think was helpful to both of us. It was hard to hear, but I understand my mother better now, and I think she felt sort of freed by it, no longer keeping up some of the ridiculous lies she had been keeping up for years (which is why I started asking her questions in the first place).

[blisstwins]

This thread brings me to tears instantly for myself and for those of you who have gone through difficulties. I too feel mad and sad. I used to think I had clinical depression because I was put in so many awful positions I could not sleep or breathe. As soon as I was in control of my own life it resolved and has not returned. My parents tried, but messed up in a lot of ways. My father was very controlling (parents divorced) and he was dictatorial in his beliefs and values. After he died I went through his things (had to since I was responsible for everything and he was a crazed hoarder) and found out he was a cheater and had lied about so many things. I don't know why he saved the letters and other things, but the worst was we were so poor when I was young. He was having an affair I am sure my mother does not know about and the woman had gone to Germany for a program. She had forgotten a coat and my father sent it to her airmail instead of regular because he did not want her to be uncomfortable. I was home in a crib. I wish I did not know this because I had made peace with the failings by believing that he had tried. Now I just hate him and myself for believing his garbage as long as I did. Sucks.

[Globetrotter]

I feel very sad reading these stories :hug:.

I think it has helped me to understand my mom's health issues (probably depression and anxiety) as we were growing up. At least now I know she did the best SHE could. Other than that, I really don't want to know.

[AnnieW625]

I have a pretty good relationship with my parents and my parents did with theirs so family stories were a part of growing up.

My mom told me about the time she started smoking when she was 18. She had just broken up with her high school boyfriend and went into the store and bought a package of cigarettes. At her height of smoking she might have been close to a pack a day smoker, but I really don't recall as she quit when I was 14 (she was 37 and quit the day after she found out her dad had lung cancer), but I do remember her smoking after dinner, when she had friends over (who also smoked) and smoking in the car while driving (with us kids in the back seat). My dad was also open about how he started being a social smoker when he was 13 or 14 yrs. old, he never had a pack a day habit, it was just social thing for him and he quit when he was 29 yrs. old after having too much fun one night. I don't ever remember my dad smoking as I was 2 when he quit. I think my dad told me that he tried a line of coke once and didn't like it. He did tell me that the reason my uncle and aunt (his brother and wife) moved to NY for my uncle's job for a year was to get my aunt out of the LA restaurant scene because coke was an issue (my aunt's friends owned a restaurant where she worked) and my uncle didn't want my aunt getting involved in it and wanted to focus on starting a family and being away from the excess influence for some time. Not really stuff I needed to know, but it definitely made me see that no one is perfect.

When I was 13 my dad hitch hiked 20 miles home from a Grateful Dead concert in Sacramento because he and his ride (good friends) got separated at the concert. That made my mom really mad, but thankfully the light turned on for him as well and he all but stopped drinking any thing other than a beer or two at a concert and then most concerts he went to he took one of us kids to or my mom because he knew he couldn't screw up.

Other than that I know a lot and it doesn't embarrass me. My mom told me she thought she had a miscarriage in 1984 or 1985, but I was in my early to mid 20s when she told me.

I have to keep an open mind about this stuff though because at some point DH and I HAVE to tell our girls about baby 2, and I just don't know when I am going to do that.

[lizzywednesday]

I struggle with boundaries with my dad more than I do with my mom for the following reasons:

(1) Mom and I were never close. I think that hurt her feelings and impacted our early relationship, with her depression taking over to impact my teen years ... and when she moved out, I was angry with her for a lot of reasons that I still can't articulate to this day.

Sometimes her judgment about telling me things was less than stellar - using specifics (i.e. - "when your dad and I" during the "sex talk") or blurting things out (like the time she told me the REALTOR advised my parents to wait a few years to start having children after they bought our house, so when she was pregnant with me she called about an abortion rather than an OB ... or the time she showed me the packaging of a porno & silky underthings that she claimed belonged to Dad ... ) that a child of my age shouldn't have been hearing - but, in retrospect, I believe that was the depression talking. And, sadly, she didn't have anyone else!

However, once I was in college, we were finally able to get to know each other as real people. Which opened the door for a different kind of sharing, but she's always been very open-book with us.

It's tough being in a relationship with someone with depression. The illness colors so much.

(2) Dad and I, on the other hand, were insanely close. He was my Buck Rogers because I pretended to be Tweekie. We just managed to bond with each other a lot more easily than I did with my mother.

However, lately, we've been having boundary issues. But, in a weird way, thankfully, it's not just with me - my brothers and sister-in-law are feeling the same way when Dad gets on a "why is your sister making such terrible choices?" rant.

To be fair, Dad also struggles with his own demons, plus he's the only one currently responsible for managing the end-of-life care for his mother (my uncle is a useless SOB) with the nursing home & hospice staff. Hopefully, this will be over soon.

But here's where I'm conflicted - I think it's important on some level to hear the ways my parents are the ways they are, but at the same time, I don't need all the gory details in medias res.

[wellyes]

This thread makes me really grateful for my parents. My mom is annoying as all hell but some of the things you guys have been through -- I'm just so sorry.

[wendibird22]

This thread makes me really grateful for my parents. My mom is annoying as all hell but some of the things you guys have been through -- I'm just so sorry.

I feel like I owe everyone a bottle of wine for having started this thread. :bag
:54:

[american_mama]

I just don't know. My parents were good parents and had pretty strong boundaries, both due to their basic personalities (private, introverted, non-emotional) and their good parenting judgement. But, let's say there was a big something my parents wanted to tell me that would change my understanding of the past, like if lmy mom told me she was abused in childhood by a family member... well, that would help me better understand aspects of her personality and family. If I found out my dad had cheated in their marriage, that would change my vision of him, but give me a much more realistic impression of all the good and bad that can go into a long marriage and be part of an otherwise good man. So I'd learn more about my parents and about life, even if it was disappointing. But, having been raised with good boundaries (better than my own, I'd say), I kind of like them and am very sympathetic to the notion of permanent parent-child boundaries. So I just don't know.

[elektra]

I feel like I owe everyone a bottle of wine for having started this thread. :bag
:54:

I know! :grouphug: So sorry for everyone's bad experiences. It really seems like there is a very fine line between over-sharing and being too guarded, but that erring on the side of being too guarded, at least while your children are still children and not adults is the way to go (as long as you don't completely isolate yourself and your feelings). :dizzy:
Thank god for therapists.

[lizzywednesday]

I feel like I owe everyone a bottle of wine for having started this thread. :bag
:54:

Nope. I'll just do shots next time I start another super-emotional thread and call it good.

For me, the best thing that came from all that dumping was learning that therapy exists and can help me manage my parents' demons.

[minnie-zb]

I don't think anyone should feel bad about what's been shared. For me it is eye-opening. I think I've lived in a vacuum of sorts where I think my mother's behavior is normal and I figure everyone's parents do the same things. I will have to admit I think I'm so skewed on this subject that my perspective is very off -- I know this was a spin-off of another thread and when I read the other thread my reaction was so different from everyone who posted after the OP. I was like, yeah, doesn't everyone's mother share this sort of stuff? Why is this such a big deal? :bag Then I read the other reactions and it made me stop and think.

But, I don't want everyone to think I'm a horrible mother! I don't share inappropriate things with my kids -- I really do realize some stuff is not intended for the ears of children! Not sure why I see this with my kids, but I don't think about it in regards to me or other adults.

[BabbyO]

Hmm...I think I'm the atypical one here. Growing up stories about my parents, and grandparents were a part of life. I saw most of my cousins weekly and grew up next to my grandparents. I knew about my mom's miscarriages (2 of 3 anyway) shortly after they happened (but the first time she told me I was having a sibling then had the miscarriage, and the second time I walked in on her crying and asked why she was sad.

I think my parents respect our boundaries, but they will share important things in an appropriate way. My mom complains about my dad to me...but it's ok...my parents are human and their relationship is human - so it doesn't bother me anymore than when my sister complains about BIL. I love my dad and BIL the same...and I trust my mom and sister love my DH the same even if I complain about him.

I guess our family has just always been very open so its never bothered me. They are also very supportive.