Unbelieveable DH - seriously IS THIS normal??

[janine]

I need to vent, can't tell anyone this stuff IRL...if anyone is around out there. So I am a WOHM, have the same miserable commute as DH. I am WFH today so I can work in the office Friday (he gets the day off anyway). My mom watches my kids, I don't have a maid, do laundry, take care of school/doctors/baths,etc (just as some context). So we are all sick with colds today - me and the kids. It is the Weds before Thanksgiving..I get an email for early release from work (3pm)..people on chat are telling me Happy Tgiving and they are all heading home ..to their families I assume.

4pm I send DH an email...I say I guess you are not coming home early? Nothing. 5pm. I then realize I have no idea on dinner, no idea when he is coming home or what is going on. I call him and he's like yea I'm in some stores and was going to take a train later and pick up chinese like usual.

I said OK, just thought MAYBE you would have touched base?? Come home a bit early, have dinner with the family?? He's like give me a break, I am spending ALL day with YOUR family tomorrow, all day Friday with the kids, don't give me that.

I said, well just thought with it being holiday you MIGHT check in or come home early just like the other dads out there, instead of using Thanksgiving at my family's as some bargaining chip OR act like you staying home Friday with the kids (SO I can work!!!) is a big deal. Jesus, I do that today and over and over and I never use it as some excuse, its NORMAL. To which he said "then find a better dad then" and hung up.

So tell me what do you think of all that?

[niccig]

I think you and the kids will enjoy Thanksgiving with YOUR family and he can go be miserable somewhere by himself. But I'm in a b$tchy mood, so you may not want advice from me.

I'm experiencing lack of consideration for all that I have to sacrifice so DH can do his job. He says he appreciates it, I'd like to see some actions along with that too.

[KLD313]

Is he usually like this or does he just get moody around holidays? Did your family win out on the holiday over his and he's holding a grudge?

I think he's being a jerk but I'm not thrilled with my boyfriend either who always has something to say and needs recognition for everything.

[janine]

I think you and the kids will enjoy Thanksgiving with YOUR family and he can go be miserable somewhere by himself. But I'm in a b$tchy mood, so you may not want advice from me.

I'm experiencing lack of consideration for all that I have to sacrifice so DH can do his job. He says he appreciates it, I'd like to see some actions along with that too.

I think you can relate a bit..although for me I am working and contributing 50% financially while 90% on kids..my mom does the childcare so really what the hell is so big from his end..just that he's a guy? So fuming..I'd love to ditch him trust me but then the ques at Tgiving are not fun either and I have 2 sick kids. I mean DH is so selfish..thinks of his dinner, his sleep before the kids'.

I hope you are doing ok, I have been following your story too. At least your DH says he appreciates it.

[specialp]

Was his plan to be home at his typical time? And you were thinking he would come home early as he got off early today?

[janine]

Is he usually like this or does he just get moody around holidays? Did your family win out on the holiday over his and he's holding a grudge?

I think he's being a jerk but I'm not thrilled with my boyfriend either who always has something to say and needs recognition for everything.

He is moody and a bit selfish at times. His family is a problem, long story but they are not involved with us and screwed up themselves. But really, don't take it out on me or my family..we should be grateful to have them - as I keep saying my mom watches my kids 100%, and over and over they have gotten out us out of a bind (somewhere to go during hurricanes etc, to watch the kids on short notice,etc.).. because we've got zero from his side, literally. Holding a grudge.. maybe, but then still makes him an a-hole in my book.

Then he hangs up on me? No call, no checking in on a slow day with us all sick? Acts like watching kids is some heroic thing...says "trust me I know I have to get food for the whole day Friday". Yea that's called normal parenting jerk.

[janine]

Was his plan to be home at his typical time? And you were thinking he would come home early as he got off early today?

I had no idea what the plan was. I made some assumptions based on the fact that 90% of people I know get out early and head home. If he wants to do something else, fine, but check in, call. Don't hang up, insult my family, act like he is doing me a favor to watch the kids on his day off so I can work and make the $ to make him keep his cushy job.

[KLD313]

He is moody and a bit selfish at times. His family is a problem, long story but they are not involved with us and screwed up themselves. But really, don't take it out on me or my family..we should be grateful to have them - as I keep saying my mom watches my kids 100%, and over and over they have gotten out us out of a bind (somewhere to go during hurricanes etc, to watch the kids on short notice,etc.).. because we've got zero from his side, literally. Holding a grudge.. maybe, but then still makes him an a-hole in my book.

Then he hangs up on me? No call, no checking in on a slow day with us all sick? Acts like watching kids is some heroic thing...says "trust me I know I have to get food for the whole day Friday". Yea that's called normal parenting jerk.

Yeah he sounds like a jerk and no it's not normal but it's my normal so I get it. I'm sorry.

[janine]

Sorry if I sound snarky..just so pissed.

[sariana]

It would be normal for my DH not to call or check in. But I know the default is that he will not be home early. That's our normal.

[OKKiddo]

I just always assume my dh will be home at his usual (always) late hour. I hate when he tells me he's going to come home early and then doesn't. I hate when he says he's early guy in the office that week but never comes home early and takes advantage of that extra hour or two for himself and never thinks of me or the kids. Yep, my dh is selfish in that same way as yours OP.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Wait when he said he was planning on picking up Chinese, I assumed he was going to do take out and would bring it home for the whole family. But then your layer post suggests other wise. If he really was thinking of his own dinner, then yeah I agree he acted like a complete @$$.

I would not be bothered about the not checking in thing. I do that to dh all the time. Sometimes I have tons of work to do and have to stay till 6pm. I am glad dh doesn't hassle me over it..Sometimes I really don't know when I'll be home.

[Green22]

Wait when he said he was planning on picking up Chinese, I assumed he was going to do take out and would bring it home for the whole family. But then your layer post suggests other wise. If he really was thinking of his own dinner, then yeah I agree he acted like a complete @$$.

I would not be bothered about the not checking in thing. I do that to dh all the time. Sometimes I have tons of work to do and have to stay till 6pm. I am glad dh doesn't hassle me over it..Sometimes I really don't know when I'll be home.

Yeah this.

Like another poster said, I don't think it is normal, but many times this is my normal too. I have the whole issue with- you are not doing anything above and beyond when watching the kids because they are your kids thing too. Sometimes dh is awesome, sometimes not. I keep trying to remember that marriage therapist who said for people to stay together you have to have 5 interactions to one bad. Right now we are starting off the holiday weekend with a ratio of like, 10 to 1.


Good luck and I feel for you.

[mommylamb]

I would be upset about it. More sad than angry I think. The thing with family is that when it's good, families should enjoy being together and should prioritize that togetherness and it sounds like he's viewing it as a chore instead of something he should be looking forward to. This is what would bother me more than him not coming home early in and of itself. I'm sorry. I hope he realizes he's being a jerk and makes it up to you.


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[BunnyBee]

If he had a normal workday, fine, but to be out shopping and planning on only getting himself dinner is odd. Especially knowing you and the kids were sick! I'd be pissed too. If the attitude is normal for him, that really sucks. :(

[Tondi G]

If he had a normal workday, fine, but to be out shopping and planning on only getting himself dinner is odd. Especially knowing you and the kids were sick! I'd be pissed too. If the attitude is normal for him, that really sucks. :(

This was my thought. I would be so bummed if my DH got off work early and he decided to do a little shopping and pick up dinner for himself only when he knew I was home sick with the kids. Mine would be picking up soup for everyone ... or at least taking the dinner making/planning off of my hands. I think he's being selfish.

[niccig]

I think you can relate a bit..although for me I am working and contributing 50% financially while 90% on kids..my mom does the childcare so really what the hell is so big from his end..just that he's a guy? So fuming..I'd love to ditch him trust me but then the ques at Tgiving are not fun either and I have 2 sick kids. I mean DH is so selfish..thinks of his dinner, his sleep before the kids'.

I hope you are doing ok, I have been following your story too. At least your DH says he appreciates it.

Things haven't been fun over here either. DH did come home early today. He normally gets off early on Thanksgiving and I needed to go into college. DS could have come with me, but DH made it home in time. I did make it very clear that if he got off early, I needed him home, and I checked in with him around lunch time. He's going away for his work's Christmas party (Grrrr), so he's also on this weekend so I can get school work done. Condition of going on the trip.

I've had DS and I sick all day and DH coming home and asking what's for dinner, so things go down like that here too. I went berserk and he's never done it since.

Sorry holiday is getting off to a bad start.

[specialp]

I had no idea what the plan was. I made some assumptions based on the fact that 90% of people I know get out early and head home. If he wants to do something else, fine, but check in, call. Don't hang up, insult my family, act like he is doing me a favor to watch the kids on his day off so I can work and make the $ to make him keep his cushy job.

So sorry, OP. What a lousy way to start Thanksgiving.

I misunderstood your original post. I thought you were saying he was coming home at his typical workday time and bringing you all Chinese, but you were upset because he didn’t come home when he got off early. That is why I asked. I thought perhaps it was a misunderstanding between two stressed out people, but I understand now from the follow up post he was taking care of his own dinner, etc.

I’m with Mommylamb. It would make me sad and hurt my feelings incredibly for DH to treat spending time with any of us as a chore. I hope he has had a change of tune and sees how hurtful that was.

[twowhat?]

Yeah the thing that bothers me is that he knew you guys were sick, he got off early from work, and went shopping?!?!

Not checking in doesn't bother me so much on an "early release day" (I got an early release but I had to work until 5pm anyway GRRR). But combined with the above, I'd be upset:( When my DH knows we're sick, he gets his butt home from work asap.