Helping out a family in crisis

[bisous]

My neighbor watches a little boy with major behavioral difficulties. He's been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD and maybe something else. I don't know all of the details! He massively struggles in school and is constantly in trouble for doing things like kicking the teacher and using foul language. HOWEVER, my neighbor is amazing with him. She can get him to calm down from his rages and has really good compliance so he is NOT a lost cause. He is darling. He gets along well with my kids. I like him a lot and I care for him (as does my neighbor who is RIGHT NOW at his IEP meeting at school even though she is not paid to be there). His mom is a single mom. She works hard and has a good responsible job. But she is totally struggling with her son. She does NOT have good compliance with him and he gets in trouble literally everywhere he goes EXCEPT my neighbor's home! He is about to be kicked out of the special program he is in at school, can't attend the gym daycare program, etc. She is at her upper limit.

I want to help this family. I empathize with the mom. I can't imagine being in that scenario, the sole caregiver to a really difficult child. She makes too much money to qualify for a lot of the free programs in the area. She pursues all the therapy options she can afford. She's doing all she can.

I feel weird sitting on the sidelines, knowing this family, that they are struggling and yet doing nothing to help. What CAN I do? Really? I would offer to watch this child but I'm not sure that *I* would be able to control him well. I pride myself on being able to handle hard kids but he's on another level, I fear. I feel like I'm at my limit with my four kids sometimes but that sounds like such a weak excuse. I think what would probably help this family the most would be money. Money would go a long way to helping this kids mom find more support, I think. I'm sure that I can devote some of my income to helping him but probably not enough to make a huge difference. We are a (mostly) single income family living in a high cost of living place with sky high school debt. We live in a rental with old cars and four kids. But I don't want to give any more excuses!

What can I do? Anything? I realize that it is presumptuous of me to judge this family's situation, but I just want to help. I think sometimes we hear about kids on the news that are far away from us and we wonder why nobody did anything. I don't want this family to be one of those cases. I see him nearly every day (we are in close contact with our neighbors) and I just want to help.

Any thoughts?

[crl]

I wonder if you can research options for helping out and give them to your neighbor to pass on to the mom. A couple of thoughts:

If he has an IEP it should be very difficult for the school to kick him out. I wonder if there is a nonprofit who could provide an advocate to the mom to help her know her child's rights and help her deal with the school district.

There may be a source for respite care. Some places there are organizations that provide or fund respite care for families with very difficult children. An extra few hours a month of care can make a big difference to a parent. It may even be possible to find an organization that will fund your neighbor taking care of the child a few extra hours a month.

These resources can be difficult to find and it is possible the mom doesn't have the time or energy to dig them up. If you can find them for her and tactfully pass them on through your neighbor that might help her out.

As the parent of a child who was somewhat difficult and had an IEP as a preschooler, I would also say to you, don't under-estimate the value of your children playing with him. I am still so grateful to the people who had playdates with us and kept having them even through some rough patches (ds never hurt anyone but he would just run away from the group constantly and not interact with the other kids) and even with the restrictions we had to have (ds could not tolerate much noise so we could never play at indoor play areas or children's museums). That social contact was valuable for ds and it meant the world to me that people were able to accept him on his terms.

Catherine

[bisous]

Thank you, Catherine. This is really, really helpful. I could definitely do some research. I'll start right away.

Maybe I could even fund some extra hours of my neighbor watching him per month if you think that would make a difference. I could let my neighbor's generosity take the credit! I will talk to her.

I have a child that has had some IEP issues too. That is part of the reason that I seek to help kids who also struggle. I know how much it means to the child and to their family. It is easy to be friend's with this kid. He is sincerely sweet and adorable. It hurts my heart that he struggles.

[larig]

As the parent of a child who was somewhat difficult and had an IEP as a preschooler, I would also say to you, don't under-estimate the value of your children playing with him. I am still so grateful to the people who had playdates with us and kept having them even through some rough patches (ds never hurt anyone but he would just run away from the group constantly and not interact with the other kids) and even with the restrictions we had to have (ds could not tolerate much noise so we could never play at indoor play areas or children's museums). That social contact was valuable for ds and it meant the world to me that people were able to accept him on his terms.

Catherine

:yeahthat: This a thousand times. You have no idea how much care and acceptance means. Knowing someone accepts your child when everyone else is trying to get him pushed out of programs, etc. can really help when things feel very bleak.

[pinkmomagain]

I just want to say that I think that your kindness in having your kids play with him is worth a lot. They likely model good behavior for him and also by successfully playing well with your kids, I'm sure it is a boost of confidence to him and his self-esteem.

As far as financially helping out, do you have a relationship with the mom at all? Have you asked the neighbor how she thinks you might be able to help out?

I think it is awesome that you want to reach out and help.

[Pepper]

:yeahthat: This a thousand times. You have no idea how much care and acceptance means. Knowing someone accepts your child when everyone else is trying to get him pushed out of programs, etc. can really help when things feel very bleak.

Yes yes YES. Keep up the playdates, or offer to go over to her house to keep her son company (with our without your kids) so she can attend to household tasks without watching him every second. (or offer to do the tasks, whatever she prefers).

If he's ADHD and ODDand maybe something else, he may qualify for the state medical programs even though their family income was too high. (This happened with us - I had no idea that I could get additional services for DS1 because our family income was too high for MassHealth. But, he qualifies under the Severe Emotional Disturbance guidelines - what a horrible label). If you are comfortable doing so, you might look into the guidelines for your state & then mention it to the mom or your neighbor.

[Pepper]

A couple more thoughts - maybe there is something you can do for your neighbor, the one who watches him? Even though she is very good with him, I bet he she gets tired when she is taking care of him. Maybe something you can do to help her out - household tasks or whatnot - to give her the extra energy she needs to recharge.

Or maybe offer to both the mom and the neighbor to be an "emergency backup" person - when they need a break for a few minutes, or if the boy is escalating and they just need backup. Or if something comes up & the mom needs to go somewhere without her DS (or have him picked up at school, etc).

And i want to echo what others have said, how important it is that you "get" this kid and want to help him. He probably wants to do well, but can't, and his behaviors are so off-putting I'm guessing that he doesn't get a lot of positive interactions with adults. So you can support him directly with what you're already doing: caring about him.

[annex]

Can you and your neighbor visit after the boy is in bed with a bottle of wine and just be a listening ear for the mom? Or watch bad tv together?

I have a DS with behavior challenges and an IEP, and while I am not yet comfortable leaving him with people who can't handle his behaviors, it is so so lonely sometimes. I am fortunate to have a DH so I do get to go out for mom's night out and the like occasionally. She may not have that option very often though as a single mom.

I also agree that keep letting your kids play with the boy, invite him to parties, checking in with the mom to see what accommodations they might appreciate (access to a quiet bedroom for breaks, visual schedules so he knows what the expectations of the event are, etc.)