Petty/ selfish question: If you have 3 kids, do you ever get "down" time?

[ourbabygirl]

We will probably be trying for a third sometime next year, but one of the things I'm concerned about it how little down/ personal time we'll have as a couple, and as individuals. We have two preschoolers now, and while I dread getting back into the overnight wake-up and feeding stage, we'd like a bigger family and think it will be worth the extra work and stress. :) I've gotten spoiled having the kids in bed by 8 or 8:30, and getting about a half hour to myself during the day to work out while DS naps & DD watches a show or has quiet time.
If you have 3 or more kids, do you ever get time to yourself at night or on weekends, or are you constantly with one or more of the kids? Right now we're able to switch off and each take a kid on an outing, or one of us will take both, but I want to prepare myself for the reality if I won't have any downtime until the third child is in preschool. A couple of things that worry me are that we only have help from my parents (mostly my mom) for family baby-sitting, so if DH & I wanted to go on a little trip, we'd only be able to be gone for 1.5 days at most. Both of my siblings have 3 kids each, but they also have help from both sets of grandparents, so they're able to take actual trips (on an airplane, since we're not located close to any cool destinations) to get rejuvenated & reconnect. Also, DH travels a bit for work (about once or twice every couple of weeks). I'm not sure how that would work with 3 kids. Luckily I'm a SAHM and we live close to my parents in case of an emergency, but I worry that I'm being too naive and setting myself up for failure by trying to have another kid.

Anyhow, any thoughts would be appreciated!

[georgiegirl]

We just had baby #3 in August. So far, it's been fine. I'm a SAHM and nurse my kiddos, and I'm not ready to leave DS2 yet. However, my kids do go to bed early, so I often get some downtime at night (like right now). I probably won't feel ready to leave Ds2 for a date for another few months, maybe when he's 6 months old or so. My ILs moved here earlier this year, so they could watch the kids while we went to dinner. The other thing that is helpful to get some "me" time is that my oldest is 7.5. She helps out with the baby, so I feel like things are less crazy when all 3 are awake. What I mean is that I can shower when I'm home alone with all three kids. I can put all three kids to bed myself without too much stress or craziness. I can feed everyone dinner including myself. I also get downtime during the day. DD is in school all day, DS goes 4 mornings a week to pre-K, so I do have a lot of time with just me and the baby, which is nice. Part of me is sad that I will have to put off real travel without kids for a while, but that's a choice I made when we decided to have a third.

[jjjo1112]

We have 4 kids and I feel like I get enough alone time. The key for us is to keep bedtime early and easy :) All the kids are in bed asleep by 7:30- this allows me a few hours of peace and quiet before I go to bed. DH and I will watch a movie or I will read, meet up with friends, run to the store, play online, etc. I don't get much alone time during the day, but I'm okay with that. I try and make sure everything (cleaning, lunches made, laundry, etc) is done during the day so that as soon as the kids are in bed, I can relax.

[Ceepa]

I don't think you should base adding a child to your family on whether your parents can watch them and whether you and DH can take a weekend trip. If a family has one child, two, three, four, five they make it work however they can. Sure, your life may be messy, it might be stressful and chaotic for years on end (ahem!), sacrifices will be made, but you try to minimize the bad and focus on the good, right?


I want to prepare myself for the reality if I won't have any downtime until the third child is in preschool

I also wanted to add that children do not necessarily become easier as they grow up and enter school. I know it seems a strange statement to parents who aren't there yet. As children grow the logistics become more complicated, the social issues become more important, academics play a larger role than before, dynamics between siblings intensify (good and bad).

I don't know what to say - in the past you have voiced considering a third child while having reservations. At some point you need to pull the trigger or not. If you and DH are leaning that way, then I'd say go for it and don't look back.

Good luck with your decision.

[jerseygirl07067]

I have 3 kids, work part time, and have a DH who works two hours away during the week, so essentially I am single mom from mon-fri. I don't get much family help at all, my mom comes every 8 weeks or so, and will stay for 1-2 days at the most. That is usually when we plan our date night, but sadly they don't happen often enough. If we had family closer and more willing to help, we'd go out more for sure. Babysitters are so pricey so we try to use them as little as possible.

My kids are 9, 8, and 4.5, which makes things a bit easier than having preschoolers, though when DD #3 was born, they were both preschoolers. :)

Down time...what is that? Just kidding..lol! I actually have it right now, they are all in bed, and I savor these two hours from 9:30-11:30. Sometimes I even stay up latera just to get more of it, but not good, since I really need the sleep. When the two older ones are in school, and my youngest is at preschool I wouldn't say I have down time, but I can run errands without any kids which allows me to be very efficient and get things done faster.

Honestly, it is doable, you will figure out a way to have downtime. I have found it has gotten easier as they have gotten older, as sometimes both my older two will be at sleepovers or playdates and then I have just one, which honestly is a piece of cake compared to 3!!! What has been a real life saver is one of our neighbors is just a few houses diagonal to us, to the older two run back and forth over there. Sometimes the other kids are with them, and when there are other kids playing that keeps my kids entertained so they are not constantly bugging me. When I am desperate I will use the TV but I don't do that as much anymore, since I find TV to be addicting to my kids, not a good thing. When they were younger I tried to keep us on somewhat of a schedule and tried to get the baby's naps roughly around the same time each day, once the napping was established. I was lucky, they all took two really good naps when they were babies so that helped too.

Of course once they all get involved in activities it is rather busy at times, but so far they all play the same thing - soccer, the other two do piano, so at least we're not running in 3 different directions all the time.

It will work out...I never thought I could do the single mom mon-fri thing and keep up my work schedule, but it has worked out. It will for you too. :)

[maestramommy]

Yes, more now than before. When DD3 was a baby I started paying for a sitter 2 hours, twice a week, then gradually increased. Last year was the high point, 9 hours a week over 2 days. This year I pay for a sitter to help out with after school logistics, or when I have a medical appt and absolutely cannot bring a kid with me, so it's not really down time anymore. But I get downtime when the kids are in bed now, so it's not so bad. Also, Dh is more comfortable about taking them for an entire day, so once in a while I get that too. We have date night roughly once a month.

[hellokitty]

I feel like, by #3, you have figured out how to find some, "me" time. I don't recall exactly how I did it, but I did manage to get a couple hours away after I had DS3. It's harder for me when they are young, b/c I nurse my babies and don't want to be away for more than two hours. However, as they get older, it gets easier. Now he is in preschool 3 mornings a wk and it's bliss to have those 3 mornings to myself. Of course, I volunteer a lot, so it's not as much free time as I had thought it would be, but overall, knowing that I have a scheduled block of time to myself is nice.

[HannaAddict]

You lose much of your downtime and personal time. It is exponentially harder to run around three kids to activities etc. Our solution was a nanny, or I wouldn't be able to volunteer with older kids and my youngest would have to be carted around and not able to nap. It is definitely a luxury and something we wouldn't have been able to swing back when we had our first. It is much harder to travel and more expensive too, but we always buy seats for all babies and kids and don't want everyone in one room. We didn't have a plan or burning desire for a third, but we love him and couldn't imagine not having him here, but it is harder.

[JBaxter]

I guess Im lucky. DH has always noticed if I need some time away. He's great for sending me off on a saturday or sunday ( usually) to get a pedicure or just to go walk the mall by my self. Jack has done preschool a couple mornings a week since he's been 3 those 3 hrs are great!

[brittone2]

It is much harder IMO. We HS, so we are kind of a more extreme case, as all 3 of my kids are home with me pretty much full time. My Dh has always been good about making sure I take time for myself, especially because he knows I'm an introvert, and having all 3 home with me can be draining if I don't get downtime. However, I am often terrible about prioritizing that until I get pissy enough that it is obvious (to me) I need some downtime. Having a third has made me much better about prioritizing myself and getting some downtime because otherwise I would lose my mind. Dh has always helped facilitate that and doesn't get much of his own downtime...I am the one who tends to brush it off and say I don't really need to go anywhere alone. Until I am in a horrid mood with everyone. Ahem.

We used to live about 15 mins away from my parents, and now live 9 hrs away. With my first two, my parents would take them 1-2 afternoons a week or an evening once every 1-2 weeks so we could have date night or I could have afternoon downtime. I miss that a lot. We live an hour away from MIL now, and she is burned out from doing childcare for our nephews. The bright spot of that is that we found a fabulous sitter who we adore, and we do date nights as a couple probably once a month, sometimes more. Having my parents nearby would make having 3 much easier IMO.

I definitely try to take time to do things on my own or carve out some alone time at home. Another life saver for me as a HS mom was afternoon quiet time for years. When the youngest would nap, everyone had mandatory quiet time for about 2 hrs. The older kid(s) could listen to books on CD, read, draw, etc. It gave me 2 hrs of uninterrupted quiet time to recharge my introvert batteries :) As a side benefit, this seemed to greatly benefit both of my older kids' reading skills tremendously. We stopped around the time DS2 stopped napping regularly between ages 2-3.

Yes, kid activities are much harder with 3 I think. We don't have homework since we HS, but I can only imagine the challenge we'd have in the evenings juggling kid activities and homework with 3, TBH.

[anonomom]

Downtime becomes harder, but not impossible. My kids are 2, 4 and 8 and I do not have any downtime during the day unless I turn on the TV (as I have done so I could type this). Even so, if I'm sitting down it's a fair bet that DS will be asking to nurse (in the time it's taken me to type this post, I have rebuffed him twice and have now given in).

I used to cherish evening downtime, but lately DD2 has been resisting sleep and she doesn't go down until 9 pm. That means I usually have only an hour or so of free time and frankly, this stresses me out. I end up paralyzed trying to choose among the various things I'd like to or should do -- clean up from the day, read, quilt or watch tv (spoiler: cleaning almost never wins), then I stay up way too late just to get myself chill enough to sleep (which I regret when DS wakes up at 5:00 am).

DH is good at taking the kids on the weekends, especially when I'm trying to finish a quilt. But actual free time to myself with no chance of children interrupting just doesn't ever happen.

[schrocat]

I've managed to get some downtime with 3 kids. Now I have 4 and I'm pretty much stuck at home not so much because of my kids but because of blood pressure spiking out of control postpartum. The key to getting downtime with multiple kids is to outsource. I had the older 2 in school (elementary and preschool) and my youngest napped. My husband and I sent the kids to Parents Night Out every month so we had date night. I left DS3 at Child Watch at the Y so I could work out or sit in the lobby to read a book. I have no help normally. My family and DH's family live on another continent.

Now with 4 kids, once I get over my health crisis, I plan to do pretty much the same as I did with 3 kids. DS3 will be going into preschool soon and I will have a little bit of a breather while he's there.

[hellokitty]

If you and your dh split the kids now, you can still split the kids when #3 arrives. DH would take the older two and you would just have the baby. Mostly, I stayed at home with DS3, while DH would take DS1 and dS2 to do activities. It hasn't been until this yr (ds3 is 4), that dh has ever had to take all 3 kids by himself on occasion. However, our oldest one is old enough to stay home by himself for 1-2 hrs at a time too, so like last night, I had to run a LLL mtg, DS2 had cub scouts, so he took DS2 and DS3 with him, DS1 stayed home and read, with the overlap in times, he was only home by himself for an hour and I was less than a mile away via car. So, things get crazier, when they are involved with activities, but as your kids get older, you also have the ability to allow the older one(s) to stay at home for younger sibs' activities, if appropriate.

As for your dh traveling. That is where I am lucky. DH usually only has to go to conference once a yr (and I dread it, the worst time was when he went to a conference and left me at home with a newborn and DS1 post-op from two surgeries). However, since your parents are close by, you can get some help from them. I don't have family local enough to get that kind of help. So, maybe this is why my expectation of, "me" time is pretty low. We've basically NEVER had a babysitter before (DS1 will be 10 soon), DH and I have gone on about 4, "dates" since having kids, if we drive to the grandparents' and they watch the kids for a couple of hours, but they aren't great babysitters, in the least, and are weird and don't really want to spend much time with their grandkids, so we don't get the luxury of them offering to watch the kids for us. I guess for me, I just had the attitude that I would need to be patient and wait until my youngest was in preschool to get any sort of regular, "me" time. I know a lot of sahms, who hire babysitters a couple times a wk, just so they can go out for coffee or grocery shop, etc.. I have never done it, but if I had a babysitter, that I really loved, I'd do it.

[Raidra]

We have four kids (10, 8, 5, 3) and we homeschool. I don't get a lot of totally alone time during the day, but I do get plenty of time where the kids are off doing their things and I can do something for myself. I think this depends a lot on your kids personalities and how much you encourage independence. My kids very independent and play well together for the most part, so it's very rare for me to hear, "I'm bored." Fiona does ask me to play with her fairly often, but that's because she's the only girl and the boys don't always want to play Barbies. But even with having all four kids home with me all day every day, I feel like I get plenty of time to decompress with a TV show, walking on the treadmill, crafting, etc throughout the day. We also make sure bedtime is done by 8:30 and then I get two hours of kid-free time.

My husband is also good about taking the kids out on the weekends or letting me go out while he watches them. That's one of his best qualities - he's great about being able to handle all the kids. A few weeks ago he took them all out to breakfast while I slept in and they all had a wonderful time.

ETA: Obviously it's harder when you have an infant. In my experience, you don't get downtime unless you hire someone, until the baby is closer to a year old. Yes, that is hard.. but it doesn't last forever. Also - we don't travel anywhere without the kids. We don't have family that I would leave them with overnight, and I'm certainly not going to pay a sitter for that. It's a non-issue for us.. we like our kids and don't want to go on vacation without them. We get enough couple time with date nights and our regular evenings at home.

[HipMama]

Um, no.
Unless locking myself in the bathroom counts. But my kids know how to open the lock.

[egoldber]

No insight into the the third child issue, but I wanted to say that I don't think it's petty or selfish to consider your own needs in the "should we have another child" equation. I think that we as moms all too often put our own needs last and I don't think that's healthy. Everyone has different needs in terms of quiet time or rejuvenation time and thinking about how to meet those needs ahead of time is a good thing.

[Mikey0709]

I agree with HipMama above!!!!! The bathroom isn't safe in our house either... i can rarely be in there alone. I get my time when everyone is in bed, IF i don't fall asleep.

[westwoodmom04]

No insight into the the third child issue, but I wanted to say that I don't think it's petty or selfish to consider your own needs in the "should we have another child" equation. I think that we as moms all too often put our own needs last and I don't think that's healthy. Everyone has different needs in terms of quiet time or rejuvenation time and thinking about how to meet those needs ahead of time is a good thing.

I agree with Beth. The concerns you mentioned are very valid, and are the reason many families stop at one or two kids.

[BunnyBee]

No, I don't get much downtime. We have a large age spread which has its good and bad points. Once the kids are old enough to be in school and activities, it becomes busier than before because nights and weekends aren't just family time. You can't put everyone to bed at 7:30 and have the rest of the night. (Not that any of mine would go that easily at any age!)

[twotimesblue]

No insight into the the third child issue, but I wanted to say that I don't think it's petty or selfish to consider your own needs in the "should we have another child" equation. I think that we as moms all too often put our own needs last and I don't think that's healthy. Everyone has different needs in terms of quiet time or rejuvenation time and thinking about how to meet those needs ahead of time is a good thing.

:yeahthat: x 1000

I think it's a very valid consideration. Some people do well being 'on' for their kids 100% of the time, others function better with some time to decompress. I am a WAHM who does 90% of the childcare, but I've recently hired a sitter for DS2 for 3 hours, twice a week, when DS1 is in preschool. I find that the short 'break' (which is invariably spent volunteering at school, buying groceries etc rather than having true 'me' time) works wonders. We are also discussing whether or not to try for a third child, and the likelihood of having even less kid-free time definitely comes into the conversations.

[Eris1995]

My third just turned 1 on Monday, my oldest will be 5 in a couple weeks and a 3 year old in the middle. I get down time but it has to be scheduled. With 3 kids and none in kindergarten yet (the boys go to preschool) it makes it tough for down time. DH realizes how important it is for me and tries to make it happen. They all go to bed at 6:30 so the evenings we get to relax and watch tv. I also go to moms night out once a month and when I'm really stressed I try to plan an afternoon with a friend. I find I really need the occasional day time break since they are in bed at night.


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[scrooks]

I think it depends on the family...my dc are 6, 4 and 5 months. Dd is in 1/2 day k and ds1 attends preschool 3 mornings a week (essentially the same time dd is at k) so I have all 3 all afternoon. Ds2 is slowly starting to nap on a schedule and my other 2 dc play really well together. It varies day to day for sure but at least 1/2 the time they play independently all afternoon. Which is great IMHO. So even if the baby is fussy I can focus on him. Somedays are crazy and some days are fine. But I feel like I usually have a reasonable amount of time to decompress throughout the day. I am also not ashamed to admit my kids watch tv or play on the iPad. Somedays a lot somedays not so much.