Need creative discipline ideas for strong-willed 5.5yo boy

[misshollygolightly]

Oh wise parents of the BBB, I need some new tools in my parenting toolkit! DS is 5.5 yo and started Kindy this fall. We're really struggling with him, both at school and at home. At school, teachers say he is very bright (acing the weekly spelling tests, reading well, knows all the answers, etc.), but he's being very disruptive (his teacher uses a color chart for behavior and he started out great at the beginning of the year, but for weeks now he's almost always on yellow, orange, or red due to being disruptive and disobedient). He shouts out the answers, won't wait his turn, interrupts teachers and kids, etc. Nothing violent or nasty, but disruptive and not ok. Most frustrating of all, to me anyway, is that he's always in trouble for the same exact things! He won't or can't or doesn't want to change his behavior! I don't get it.

At home, well, phew. These past couple of weeks (maybe two months?) he's REALLY been pushing us, to put it mildly. Extremely stubborn and insistent, impatient, interrupting, disobeying, won't stay put during time-outs, banging on his door to wake his sister when he's in time-out, etc. He has an extremely short fuse--it seems like he almost immediately goes straight to whining or tantruming over virtually everything! He pitches ENORMOUS tantrums--clearly he's having a lot of trouble controlling himself and moderating his reactions to things, but I'm not sure how to help him and he doesn't want my help. Nothing I do seems to make a difference.

Things we've tried: time outs, incentives for good behavior (dessert after dinner on days he makes it to green or higher on the school color chart; small surprises for multiple days of good behavior in a row, etc.), taking away toys/privileges/things he cares about for bad behavior, verbally praising him for good behavior, etc. I've tried hugging him firmly to try to help him calm down from a tantrum and I've tried leaving him alone to calm down on his own--neither seems to work! I'm sure there are other things as well, but I can't think of them right now. It doesn't sound like he pitches tantrums at school--pretty sure he saves those just for us. Hit me with your best strategies for dealing with a 5.5 yo boy who has turned into a little monster! I'm really afraid that his bad behavior is becoming the norm for him.

[acmom]

I used to teach (preK, K and 1st) and we usually started with identifying a key behavior we wanted to change and then making a plan to work on just that behavior first. So for example, it might be keeping your hands to yourself. We would write up something about what that looks like (with pictures included so that the child could refer to it even if they couldn't read it). Then we would decide how and when we were going to monitor and record that behavior - for example, they might get a smiley face or sticker for every hour or designated part of the day that they were able to meet the expectations of keeping their hands to themselves. Then we would often add an incentive to build up to, like if they were able to get 5 days in a row of xxx number of smiley faces, they might get a special outing at home or extra free time at school. We would always try to start with a very manageable goal so that they had a good chance of experiencing success to start. Then we would gradually up the goal.

You could do something like this at home or at school for the behaviors you mentioned. The key is break it down and to select one (occasionally 2) at time. Then be very specific about your expectations and set an attainable goal.

Hope that helps.

[misshollygolightly]

Thanks, acmom. I like the idea of breaking it down to manageable, concrete areas to work on. Keep the ideas coming!

[TwinFoxes]

Two things, for the tantrums, DD threw major tantrums. I started having her go into her room, not as time out (made that clear) to calm down. It was kind of her comfort place. She had her blankie, Minnie Mouse, etc. when she calmed down she came back out. Or I'd go back in and give her snuggles. But only when she was calm (not perfectly calm, sniffles were ok).

For other DD who is headstrong, one thing that works is giving the decision making power to her twin for a day. Drop off, or walk into school? Twin decides. What to watch for TV time, twin decides. That sort of thing. Not sure it will work since your other DC is much younger.

[egoldber]

Are these new behaviors or extensions/exacerbating of existing behaviors?

Honestly, these are the exact same behaviors that lead to younger DD's ADHD diagnosis. She was on at LEAST yellow, but more typically orange or red every single day. That system was a disaster for her. And frankly, it's often a disaster for many kids who are not generally compliant anyway. It also has the unfortunate side effect of reinforcing to the classroom that some kids are "good" and some kids are "bad".

The ONLY type of incentive system at school that worked at ALL for younger DD was a system where she earned "stars" at each station. This is similar to what acmom described. For her, there were 7 stations each day. If she was able to remain on task, not interrupt, and generally behave at each station (with reminders), she got a star for that station. If she got 3 stars in a day, she got a reward at home. (They were small things from the $1 store. But candy was her main motivator.) That helped a little, but generally she wasn't able to even earn 3 out of 7 stars most days.

I would start by working with the teacher to try a more immediate reward system and to NOT use the green/yellow/red system for him. It really does not do positive things for most kids and can become a self fulfilling prophecy for kids who struggle. And I would keep in mind that he may need an evaluation at some point.

[misshollygolightly]

Thanks for your input. I think I do need to have a conversation with the teacher. I would say these are mostly new behaviors--not really something we saw much of until he started Kindy this year (and really, it's only been about the last two months that things have gotten bad). Hmmm...lots to think about.