Does anyone live in a small town, or out in the country, and really love it?

[inmypjs]

I am asking because I need to get my thoughts sorted out. We live in a larger city and I am very happy here. DH is not. He likes the city just fine, but he hates his job and has been miserable for several years. He is being recruited for a job that would require us to move to a small town in a largely rural area. It is basically his idea job. It's a big step up in title and the pay is outstanding. It is considerably more than he makes now. It's one hour further from my family than we are now. Not terrible, but not the direction I really wanted to go in. I grew up in small town of about 7000 people and I didn't hate it, but I've become accustomed to all of the things our city offers, and I really hate the idea of giving all of that up. I do not work right now - I homeschool one of our kids and have a great support network here. And I love, love my girlfriends.

DH has been so happy about even the idea of this, and I want to be supportive of him, but the idea of moving to a tiny rural area is just not really what I want. But I have to admit, I have loved how he has been with me and the kids since this opportunity has come up. I didn't really realize how down and irritable he has been. We don't have to give them an answer until after the first of the year. We are planning to go to the town and look around a bit. I did look online and found a few country houses that looked appealing. This generated idealistic thoughts about living a more simple life, having a garden, not running around for activities as much. It is a nice town from what I can see, about 4000 people with a nice library, hospital, pool and a good public and private school.

I don't really know what I am asking, maybe just commiseration about small town and/or country life.

[petesgirl]

I grew up in a small farming community with about 400 people. No gas station or grocery store in town. I LOVED growing up there and think that kind of life is just awesome for children - lots of wide open space, good hard work, not all the creep-os the city has. I plan to have my children spend summers there so they can learn about where food comes from and how to really work from dawn to dusk.
Going back to my parents house is a huge breath of fresh air (literally and figuratively) for me, but I'm not sure I could swing it in that small of a town anymore. I would at least want a grocery store. And my mom has always missed city life.
My DH grew up in the DC area and while he loves to visit and do all the country stuff I don't think he would be happy living there.

[Indianamom2]

We I have always lived in fairly small towns and in rural areas. Where I live now is a small city, but I live in the rural edges of it. I am not a city girl. It might have been fun in college/as a newlywed, but with kids, I love the suburbs/rural areas. Schools are almost always better and as long as you are within a decent driving distance to a larger city when you want/need it, I think it's nice to be away from all the hustle and traffic and noise.

[123LuckyMom]

I LOVE my small town in a rural area! It's an unusual small town, though, because we have an excellent college, two world class museums (3 if you count one town over), and a Tony award winning theater festival. There's a lot of culture here, and it's an open-minded town, too. I like living in the midst of natural beauty. I notice every day how lovely it is here. It's comforting to me to know that I have a community to draw upon for support. I like that it takes me FOREVER to go to the supermarket, because I have to have conversations with everyone else in the store and let everyone fawn all over the children. We don't have a lot of family, and this town feels like family.

At the same time, it's in the middle of nowhere. It takes an hour to get to a highway. Boston and New York are both three hours away. I do all my clothes shopping online or when I visit my mother in New York. We have no Trader Joe's, no Costco. Instead, though, we have a farmer's coop and many stand alone farm stores, an independent movie theater, and some great independent businesses.

For me, it's worth it to give up convenience for community. It's important to me that my kids grow up with so many people caring about them and watching over them. I like living in a place where nobody locks their doors or cars. DH also hates his job, and we've talked about moving. There are advantages and disadvantages to living anywhere. You need to weigh the issues and see if the scales tip to the positive in this new place. You can be happy in a rural area, though, so long as you can find your people.

[fedoragirl]

Well I am overseas but the city/small town dynamic doesn't change really. I moved from a big city to a village. And it is very depressing for me. I miss the ease of transitioning from the suburbs to the downtown vibe. I have to travel 45 min. to get to a clothing store leave alone a mall. On the plus side, this is an awesome place for kids to grow up. Crime is minimal and kids can play the way "we grew up."

[wendibird22]

I grew up in the suburbs and lived in a few cities after college. I know reside in a town of ~7000 people and is agricultural. While I love the convenience of city life and suburbia and was hesitant to live rural, I will say that I've grown to love it. I love the small community, getting to know your neighbor and your neighbor's neighbor. Finding that someone always knows someone that can do something for you or get something for you (my favorite saying from a neighbor is "I got a guy for that, let me get you his number."). I like the small school community. I'm fortunate too that it's only 12min drive to a Wegmans and 20min to the mall. I can be on a major highway in 15min. Most of the quality doctors, dentists, hospitals, etc are 30-40min away but there are also a few small town docs, vets, etc who make house calls and give you service you couldn't possibly get from the major medical corps in the burbs. I love living on 1acre on a street with just 10 houses and no connecting streets. I love the quiet.

[pb&j]

I live in a small town in a relatively rural area, but close to a small city. Best of both worlds. Love it. We are in a "new urbanist" development, so houses are close together, we have sidewalks, can walk into our little village for coffeeshop, library, PO, restaurants. But, we back up to woods and a nature trail. Kids take off with fishing poles to the pond, can ride their bikes around. Lots of agriculture here still. We are within a couple of miles of a national park. I love it here. I love not having traffic. We are within 20-30 min of several big boxes (Target, Lowes, Home Depot, etc) if we need them and we have both a small, local grocer, and a big grocery store here in town.

I love small town life, and have no intention of leaving any time soon!

ETA: When we visit my sister in a major metropolitan area, I can never believe that people want to live in a world of traffic and strip malls. The convenience factor just does not seem worth it to me.

[Blue Hydrangea]

I live in a small rural community- I'm 2 hours away from the nearest mall or Target. My DH is from here, and his family is here. Small town life is different. Everyone knows you, and that was the hardest thing to get used to when moving her from a major city. At first I hated it, I missed the anonymity of being able to run into the drug store and buy a box of tampons without a second thought. Now I have to dodge my priest, my neighbor, etc at the drug store so I don't have to have conversation with them while holding said box. And when we started trying to have a baby, I purposely bought pregnancy tests 2 hours away in the city so that word wouldn't get around my small town before I was ready to tell anyone. I can now see, however, how it will be a good thing as my kids grow up. They'll have the same group of friends from Kindergarten through 12th, and there will be lots of eyes on them around town as teens even when I'm not with them.

And it's a safe community, people here don't lock their doors (except I do- you can the girl out of the city but not the city out of the girl!). I miss theater and shopping and activity and museum options that just don't exist here. But almost the whole town goes to the high school sports events, just because it's what you do, and I think that's great.

[nfowife]

We just moved to a small college town in a fairly remote area- nearest major airport is over 90 miles away. So far we really like it, though for us it will be a temporary move for 2 years before we head to a major metropolitan area for a job (DH is in business school). Because of the college here there are many amenities the average small town doesn't have- large major medical center/teaching hospital, science museum, lots of arts and theater opportunities, and great schools (public and private). Also great library system and because of the location tons of outdoor recreational activities. It's very idyllic here and we live in town where we can walk to the "downtown" area, library, and local supermarket. I can also drive about 15 minutes to the big "shopping area" in the next town over which has walmart, home depot, kohls, and Kmart, and LL Bean (and that's pretty much it for shopping).
I think it's worth a look and some consideration to make your DH happy. You will probably have a bit of a rough transition (as someone who has moved many times, I always kind of hate the new place at first because it's lonely without friends!). But after a while you will become part of the community. I think there are more opportunities to become involved too because there are less people to run things. So you can quickly make an impact, kwim?

ETA: on crime- a few weeks after we moved here there was a one-night rash of car break-ins in my neighborhood (there are about 5 streets that make up our neighborhood, about 17 cars! broken into in one night. I was so worried and was talking to a neighbor the next day about what happened and she said her car was broken into (mine wasn't). I wondered why we had been spared and she said "well, did you lock your car doors?". I was like "of course!". Turns out not one of the people whose cars were broken into had locked doors! That was just beyond the realm of my comprehension. It would never occur to me NOT to lock my car or house doors. That's the mentality here....

[3blackcats]

I grew up in a small town. Left for school, lived outside DC (so huge area) and moved back to a small town after XH and I divorced.

It is so much more convenient for me to live in a small town. My commute into "town" is 15 mins with no traffic. Well maybe a slow down if you get behind a tractor during farming season ;) We are an hour away from a few big cities with a huge airport and tons of shopping. We go for concerts, shopping, etc. Another 2 hours past that you hit Toronto with access for all the bigger city things I need.

The quality of my families life has gone up dramatically with moving to a small town. I find that everyone is more focused on family than the "rat race". When I need to get something done, for example new tires, I don't have to fight traffic to get there, I take a shuttle to work 5 mins away and I know them because they've been our tire people for years. Low cost of living is amazing and since I have socialized medicine, I can work fewer hours and still pay bills. No one would blink if you had to leave to take care of kids. Everything is just so much more simple here. I don't feel like I'm battling to get every single thing done.

I've known families in that have moved to this area for work from bigger cities and some have not been happy. I think it depends on what a persons form of entertainment is. If a person likes shopping or going to the mall as an activity a small town is not going to be good for that.

ETA: I'm a farm girl. I grew up between dairy and beef cattle.

[inmypjs]

Thanks for all the responses. I do think I owe it to DH to keep an open mind about this. We are going to visit soon. I wish there was more culture nearby. That is a little of what is bugging me. The nearest larger town is an hour a way, and IMO it's kind of a dump. This part of our state is just quite rural, and I do feel like I'd be more positive if it were in another part of the state that has what I consider to be better cities nearby. The small town I grew up in was 40 min. away from a university town, so there were tons of things to experience and do there. That just isn't the case where his job offer is. I will say from what I have seen it does seem to be a nice little community. I just wish I could take my GFs with!

[ha98ed14]

Thanks for all the responses. I do think I owe it to DH to keep an open mind about this. We are going to visit soon. I wish there was more culture nearby. That is a little of what is bugging me. The nearest larger town is an hour a way, and IMO it's kind of a dump. This part of our state is just quite rural, and I do feel like I'd be more positive if it were in another part of the state that has what I consider to be better cities nearby. The small town I grew up in was 40 min. away from a university town, so there were tons of things to experience and do there. That just isn't the case where his job offer is. I will say from what I have seen it does seem to be a nice little community. I just wish I could take my GFs with!

Can you move to a place half way between the new town and where you live now, and DH could commute? Since it's rural, chances are there is not a lot of traffic. I understand how you feel. I hated going to visit my grandparents and aunt because after about a day and a half of visiting, there was nothing to do. They lived in rural Ohio. The city finally grew out (exurbs) and enveloped them, and that improved the situation considerably in my mind.

[inmypjs]

That's an interesting idea. I just looked on the map to see about that, and to my surprise this little town is closer to a decent bigger town than I thought! About an hour. I guess I should have looked more closely at the map. And the bigger town just happens to be my DH''s hometown and a place we both really like :). I don't love the idea of moving at all, but that might be a pretty good option. They also have a super homeschool community.

Edit: So I just ran it by DH, and he wasn't too sure. He does like that city, but said he thinks it might be important for his job to live in the same community. I think he might be right.

[ha98ed14]

That's an interesting idea. I just looked on the map to see about that, and to my surprise this little town is closer to a decent bigger town than I thought! About an hour. And the bigger town just happens to be my DH''s hometown and a place we both really like :). I don't love the idea of moving at all, but that might be a pretty good option. They also have a super homeschool community.

Great! If it is the difference between one of you being miserable while the other is happy (Dh with his job and you with the house location) then best to split the difference! Then you can both come out content. Hopefully. :)

[pb&j]

ETA: on crime- a few weeks after we moved here there was a one-night rash of car break-ins in my neighborhood (there are about 5 streets that make up our neighborhood, about 17 cars! broken into in one night. I was so worried and was talking to a neighbor the next day about what happened and she said her car was broken into (mine wasn't). I wondered why we had been spared and she said "well, did you lock your car doors?". I was like "of course!". Turns out not one of the people whose cars were broken into had locked doors! That was just beyond the realm of my comprehension. It would never occur to me NOT to lock my car or house doors. That's the mentality here....

Yep, that happens in my hamlet as well, once a year or so. People get all up in arms about car "break ins" - people leave their cars unlocked in their driveways with keys, phone, money, etc inside.

[hellokitty]

We live in a rural area. Granted, we are in the, "main" region of a rural area, but to me, it is still pretty rural. What I do like is that ppl are very friendly and down-to-earth, you aren't dealing the the types of snobs that you'd more likely run into in large metro areas, COL is of course lower, traffic is not an issue, the worst it gets is Christmas shopping traffic and even that is mild compared to everyday traffic in larger cities. I actually joke that I've become a hick, b/c I feel like I can't tolerate the traffic in larger cities anymore.

The things that I don't like, there is no cultural diversity. This may not be a problem if you are white and/or don't care about diversity. However, we're asian american and live in an area with less than 1% asian, we are kind of stuck here due to DH's job (and I had not envisioned us being here for as long as we have been here), so I feel like we will never quite fit in all the way here. Plus, I miss eating good food. We like a variety of ethnic foods. Italian and Greek food is about the most ethnic as it gets in our area. I can't even find good chinese take out. Schools are limited, there are a ton of christian private schools, only one non-religious private school, but it only goes up to grade 8. Our school district is one of the better ones in the area, but is nowhere the calibre of some of the top state public schools, kwim? There is also a limitation when it comes to extracurriculars. They have a lot of sports, but arts/music/science extracurriculars are much more limited. Generally speaking, at least in our area, there are also a lot less college grads, so it is very much a heart of america type of attitude (ie: politically and religiously conservative), very pro-gun, resistant to change and new ideas vibe.

With that said, we are an hr away from two major cities. So, we can take a day trip and get some culture and good food. The only problem is that my dh is on call a lot, so it makes it harder for us to get just out of town. I prefer to shop in the larger cities too, but it's become easier and easier to shop online, so that part doesn't bother me quite as much as it used to. We don't have stores like TJ's, Nordstroms, WF, etc., and never will. We have a mall, but it's lame, geared toward old ppl and teenagers. However, if your dh's job will allow him more free time, if you are about an hr from a larger city, you can still, "go" somewhere for bigger city needs, so it's still within reach for you to get your fix.

My dh is actually trying to move to one of the larger cities an hr from us, waiting for job openings. While I would love to move, I also realize that the COL will be higher and his work load will be much heavier, so we will probably see less of him and I have some concern that he will be more unhappy in a more high stress job. His job here is good, he is on call a lot, but his hours at work aren't as bad as they would be in a more metro area, so that is something to consider. I am glad that while our children were young, he was able to help out and spend more time with us, than if we lived in a larger city, where his work hours would have been much worse.

[jent]

123Luckymom, I think I went to that college! (If I am right, then I am really jealous of where you live.)

OP, I have lived in a somewhat small town and am now in the suburb of a big city. The "small town" area was about 2+ hrs from major cities, but about 1/2 hr from a smaller city, so not sure if it exactly counts. It's not that we had no cultural events, shopping, or restaurants, but none of those were as big name, or had as much variety, as city area. We did have-- a coop (choice of many actually!) nice parks/rural areas, and a small-town feel. I would argue that the schools were nowhere near as good as the suburbs-of-the-big-city schools (though DD wasn't old enough for public then).

Things I miss about our old town/area-
- the rural countryside and sense of space
- our old coop (we used to visit to pick up the food, see the animals, walk the fields)
- the lack of traffic
- the reasonable cost of living

Things I love about our city suburb
- the schools
- the fact that we can walk easily to things in our neighborhood (school, friends' houses, library, some stores)
- access to more variety of shopping (not a big shopper but glad it's there when I need it)

I think a lot that has to do with whether you are happy where you are, are things that don't necessarily depend on rural/city. Like whether you enjoy your job & coworkers, or whether you are connected to your community. I wonder if part of what makes your DH stressed is the atmosphere at his current job, and he's idealizing country life? Will his new job be better in that regard?

[zukeypur]

Subbing so I'll remember to add tomorrow when I have more time. :)

[inmypjs]

I really do think DH will love the job. He is perfect for it IMO. He currently works for a large company, not based in our state, and has very little control over certain factors that he needs to control in order to be successful. The new job is at a smaller company where he would have an upper level leadership position (in charge of the region). They are looking for someone who genuinely likes and relates to people and will build community relationships. This is him.

I can live without the shopping, because more and more I shop online. Honestly, I think it is my personal friends, and our homeschool community that I will miss dearly. I know if I get involved I can make new friends, but I worry about that I may not have as much in common with people there - though admittedly that is my own stereotype and fear. There pretty much is no homeschool community, so if I wanted to continue that I would probably have to dual enroll DS so he could meet some kids, or drive an hour to the nearest bigger town. I have heard good things about the schools, and they do have one of the things I value most - small class sizes. We are around 28 here and I hate that. If my DS were to return to school, I have wanted him to be in a smaller district where his needs would not get lost.

[hellokitty]

I really do think DH will love the job. He is perfect for it IMO. He currently works for a large company, not based in our state, and has very little control over certain factors that he needs to control in order to be successful. The new job is at a smaller company where he would have an upper level leadership position (in charge of the region). They are looking for someone who genuinely likes and relates to people and will build community relationships. This is him.

I can live without the shopping, because more and more I shop online. Honestly, I think it is my personal friends, and our homeschool community that I will miss dearly. I know if I get involved I can make new friends, but I worry about that I may not have as much in common with people there - though admittedly that is my own stereotype and fear. There pretty much is no homeschool community, so if I wanted to continue that I would probably have to dual enroll DS so he could meet some kids, or drive an hour to the nearest bigger town. I have heard good things about the schools, and they do have one of the things I value most - small class sizes. We are around 28 here and I hate that. If my DS were to return to school, I have wanted him to be in a smaller district where his needs would not get lost.

I think that your concerns are valid. I tried to HS DS1. However, I could not find a single HS group in our area that doesn't make you profess your faith to jesus. It was a very lonely yr, there was not a single secular HS group, even the, "inclusive" group was not really inclusive. I realized at that time, what black sheep we are in our area. I basically cannot talk religion or politics with any of my local friends, b/c I am 180 degrees the opposite of them. Is there any way you can try to research what the HS groups are like there (they should have online pages) ahead of time?

[klwa]

I live just outside a town with 344 people (we just got a mainstream grocery store abotu 7 years ago), and grew up in a town of 1056. (Thanks wikipedia!) However, I commute to work in a city that has ~ 425,000. I love where I am and where I grew up. Spent several years living in the city I now work in and hated it. However, it IS nice to be able to go into the city for major shopping, etc. The 4000 person town you're looking at, how close is it to a larger city?

Never mind, see that it's abotu an hour out. Honestly, I'd be happy with that, as it's what I grew up with. Now we're a little closer to the "big city", in that we're within half an hour.

[echoesofspring]

I live in a little town (15-20K) that is about 40 minutes from a larger university town (60k). Honestly I would be much happier in the slightly bigger small town but I would have to work FT for us to swing a house there and justify the extra commute for DH (most of my industry is in that town). Or I think I would be happier here if there was a larger city closer by, LA and SF are good 3-4 hour drives from here, and we hardly ever get there. I lived in a mid size city and bigger city before I moved out here and I definitely miss the city energy, cultural activities, lifestyle of walking everywhere, etc. although I know it would be way, way harder to live there with kids than it was as a young single. And whenever I get caught in crazy traffic I think how lucky we are that hardly ever happens here. But I get a little bored here and I'd like for the kids to be exposed to more diversity, it's fairly homogenous around here.

[buttercup]

I was such a city girl, that when I moved from NYC to the country (2-3 hrs from NYC) I did not know how to drive. So far, I really love country life, but I wonder whether it's because 1) I was really sick of city life and its annoyances. Those are only cute for about 5 years; 2) I skipped suburbia altogether (I could live (for a while) in a railroad apartment in the city smelling the dinner of every neighbor up and down and across, but cannot abide to be told how tall my grass needs to be or what color to paint my door, and 3. I still work part time and go into NYC a couple of times a week.
It a a huge change, but I was ready for it and love it. I love having a huge garden, and chickens, and I love the crazy low cost of living, I love how very quiet it is at all time, I love owning trees and picking an apple and handing it to my kids to eat as they swing in the backyard.
ETA. We also homeschool, and were able to get in touch with some of the HS community here, frankly in a rural area you will drive far for activities no matter what. There was a much more vibrant HS community in NYC, simply because, well, there are more people. We've been able to piece enough together though (Lego league, skiiing in the middle of the week, etc)

[123LuckyMom]

I think that your concerns are valid. I tried to HS DS1. However, I could not find a single HS group in our area that doesn't make you profess your faith to jesus. It was a very lonely yr, there was not a single secular HS group, even the, "inclusive" group was not really inclusive. I realized at that time, what black sheep we are in our area. I basically cannot talk religion or politics with any of my local friends, b/c I am 180 degrees the opposite of them. Is there any way you can try to research what the HS groups are like there (they should have online pages) ahead of time?

See, this is the kind of thing I could never tolerate. In a small town it's really all about the people. If you can't find like minded people, it's a problem! You may be a bit familiar with the area since it's only an hour out from DH's home town. Do you know how homogenous or insular the community is?

I know it would be better for your DH's job if he lived in the town, but maybe there's still room for compromise. Maybe there are civic organizations he can join, or a club of some kind (a sports league or similar.) It would mean his being home a bit less, but it would also mean he could make lots of non-business contacts in that community without living there. If an hour is too far, you might be able to split the difference and live halfway between the city and the rural town. Still, an hour really isn't too far away. Go with an open mind and see what it's like.

And jent, I bet you did go to college here. It IS a really wonderful place to live!

[inmypjs]

I should probably say that I live in a conservative state and I am not really very conservative. But I am quite tolerant, if I do say so myself... I found most of my homeschooling friends through a religious homeschool group. I joined because that's truly all there is here. And I am currently living in one of the largest cities in my state. There are definitely people in it whose beliefs are too different from mine for me to want to pursue a friendship. But I've found a handful of people who I really enjoy. So if I could find that in the new place, I would be happy. I can't find anything online about any groups in the area, but I'm going to try to find out more. I found the state's data on number of homeschoolers by county, and there are definitely some to be found in the new area. Right now we open enroll in a nearby public school's homeschool program, which allows my son to take classes, do field trips and activities with other kids. That would definitely be gone. But our home school district is gigantic, and I have been dissatisfied with it for some time. It feels like a machine to me. I hate the huge class sizes and the bureaucracy. I hate how the administration responds to any negative feedback or concerns by waving test scores. Yes, they are high, but that's not everything. So as you can probably tell, maybe a smaller school would be what I have been looking for. In all of this rambling, what I am trying to say is that maybe I am warming up to this idea? We are going to make a town visit next week and I'm going to meet with the school principal. It's a start. I do appreciate all of the feedback and things to think about.

[Jen841]

We moved around a lot growing up...it is all what YOU make of it. I was told growing up you go where Daddy's job is and you made friends, found our notches and have highlights of each place.

What is best for your family?

[inmypjs]

I just wanted to update. DH has visited the town twice, I have gone once. It's a nice place, just small. The main issue is that there is literally no where to live. Less than 5 houses on the market in the area and none meet our needs. There is a new development coming this summer. We currently live in a white surburban bubble, and this was definitely not that. But it seemed nice. I still hate the idea of leaving all my girlfriends and homeschool support but am trying to stay positive. DH is waiting for the written offer and if it looks good, he will take it. They did say he could work from where we live now for awhile, to make sure it is working out and to give us time to figure out housing. He would have to commute some, but I feel like it is smart to make sure this is really a longer term job before we all uproot ourselves.