how do you get past toddler parent preferences?

[basil]

DS has a strong preference for DH. It's not really that much of a phase, I think it's been that way for at least a year. DS is 2.4 years old.

It seems to be getting worse. When I go to pick DS up out of his crib in the morning, he pushes me in the chest and shouts "I don't want you!". He freaks out when DH goes outside to get the mail or whatnot. He gets upset when DH sits in the front seat while I'm driving instead of in back with him. He had a fit when I tried to get him out of his carseat today when DH was carrying in groceries. He even had a tantrum one night when I jokingly said DH was "MY dada" not just his.

When DH isn't there (working), DS's and my relationship seems fine. For example, we played for 4 hours this AM while DH slept and we made cookies, waffles, and bread and he had a lot of fun playing with the flour, dough, etc. Then DH got up and it was meltdown after meltdown whenever I tried to so much as put his socks on.

The part that really really bothers me is that DH seems to really like it, so does not discourage it. "Oh, mommy wants you to sit in the cart at Costco but you don't want to? OK I will carry you or chase you around the store while mommy does the shopping. Oh, you don't want the dinner that mommy prepared that you specifically asked for? Ok I will make something else. Oh, you're sad mommy won't let you tear up the tea bags in the pantry? Here let me give you a cookie to take your mind off it. You don't want the peanut butter wiped off your face? OK we'll just leave it til mommy comes and wipes it off so she can be the one who makes you scream."

We're having #2 in the spring, and I'm really afraid it's just going to make this much much worse. DH has hinted at things like when he's off during the week he will "take the other baby to daycare so he and DS can go do stuff". I feel like I'm going to be stuck on the couch nursing while DH and DS go out all the time and DS will have even less use for me.

Admittedly this pregnancy has made me super emotional, but I seriously cried like 3 times today over this. I "know" it's not cause I'm a bad mom, and that it's a normal part of being a toddler, and someday it may be reversed. But man, it is hard when one of the people you love most in the world screams, kicks, and cries at the idea of your presence.

So what tips are there? Either for managing my own emotions, making DH understand, or making DS like me more.

[BunnyBee]

It's normal and it sucks. But oh HELLZ NO to what your DH is doing! That's so disrespectful and teaches the kid to play one parent off the other. He's teaching the child to manipulate you both. It won't be cute in a few years (and really isn't now). That needs to stop. I tell the kids honestly when they hurt my feelings without getting too emotional. Not so much negative reaction that it encourages the behavior.

[AngB]

It's normal and it sucks. But oh HELLZ NO to what your DH is doing! That's so disrespectful and teaches the kid to play one parent off the other. He's teaching the child to manipulate you both. It won't be cute in a few years (and really isn't now). That needs to stop. I tell the kids honestly when they hurt my feelings without getting too emotional. Not so much negative reaction that it encourages the behavior.

:yeahthat:

[TxCat]

Your DH's response needs to change, period. I think that my DH and I do our best parenting when we present a united front and DD1 realizes that she cannot play one of us off the other. We back each other up and we never undermine the other parent in front of DD1. If we have a disagreement over parenting, we get through the immediate moment, and then hash it out privately. DD1 usually cycles back and forth in her preference for one parent over the other, but she's been wanting DH a little more since DD2 was born, probably because they have been spending more time together while I'm taking care of the baby. I try to make sure that I periodically do some things solo with DD1, like going to the park, the zoo, out to lunch, etc. And when she does want mommy, I try to make sure that I'm there for her, even if it means putting the baby aside for a few minutes.

[BabyBearsMom]

Your DH's response needs to change, period. I think that my DH and I do our best parenting when we present a united front and DD1 realizes that she cannot play one of us off the other. We back each other up and we never undermine the other parent in front of DD1. If we have a disagreement over parenting, we get through the immediate moment, and then hash it out privately. DD1 usually cycles back and forth in her preference for one parent over the other, but she's been wanting DH a little more since DD2 was born, probably because they have been spending more time together while I'm taking care of the baby. I try to make sure that I periodically do some things solo with DD1, like going to the park, the zoo, out to lunch, etc. And when she does want mommy, I try to make sure that I'm there for her, even if it means putting the baby aside for a few minutes.

This exactly. The issue I see here is that your DH is continually undermining you as a parent and forcing you to be the bad guy. Not cool and he needs to understand that in a few months, you two won't out number the children anymore. If he can't get on board, two kids will be able to divide and conquer. Trust me, I've been there.

And once your DS has to compete with the baby for your attention, his preference might change. I know DD1 took a drastic swing towards be when DD2 was born and taking up so much of my time. When one is preferring the other parent, I ignore the behavior. They are trying to get a rise out of you. Don't act hurt or upset. Just say "ok, you want daddy." And walk away and send your DH in. Let him deal with the stinky diapers if he likes being the favorite parent do much.

[ShanaMama]

It's normal and it sucks. But oh HELLZ NO to what your DH is doing! That's so disrespectful and teaches the kid to play one parent off the other. He's teaching the child to manipulate you both. It won't be cute in a few years (and really isn't now). That needs to stop. I tell the kids honestly when they hurt my feelings without getting too emotional. Not so much negative reaction that it encourages the behavior.
Big huge :yeahthat: Not acceptable, DH. I don't allow my children to be disrespectful or manipulative but if they ask nicely the preferred parent will try to accommodate. Each of my girls have a distinct preference for one parent, my baby seems to like us both lol. 8 yo DD1 had a fit tonight that DH was turning on her shower because she likes the way I do it better. Tough luck darling. Daddy's available & if you don't like the way he turns on the shower (???) you can do it yourself. No way would I reinforce that I am her favorite parent. That's just dumb. (& it happens to get draining too.)

[fedoragirl]

I believe ms.pacman has posted about this situation in her family too. I have the same dynamic and I've posted about it. DS is 2 and he has more tantrums with DH around just so he can get more time and attention from him. DD was glued to DH from age 18 months to recently. I have always been the bad cop. But my DH has never ever undermined my parenting in front of our kids. In fact, he leaves the kid with me when they whine for him. Bed time is the worst and they both want him and we explain that daddy cannot be in two places at once. So mommy will have to put one to bed and we take turns. I used to get upset and hurt about this but now I don't even register it.
Have a heart-to-heart with your DH. He needs to be on board with you now.
Write out a list of things you want him to do with the baby. Don't mention it vaguely. Give him the list. Include times too--like bedtime, you will hold the baby and change the diaper while I put DS to bed. Alternate it the next night. This will help him envision life with the new addition and burst that fantasy bubble he's built for himself. Let him know you will not tolerate any remarks about your cooking/meal preparation in front of the kids. Or anything else that's important to you.
Also remember, that you're not just doing this for yourself. One day, your kids may have issues because one got "more of daddy" etc. etc. I still resent the fact that my mom openly favored my brother and still does. It drove a wedge between us siblings and it's not how we wanted it.

[amom526]

We have a similar dynamic except that my toddler prefers me me me. It is really not ok what DH is doing. Have you spoken to him about it? Does he realize how this undermines your authority?

It definitely may change once the baby comes. Ds1 got a lot more attached to me after his brother was born. I hear what your DH is saying about sending new baby to daycare, I just don't think he is going about it the right way. Unless I was nursing, I usually gave DH the baby so that I could spend some time with DS1 which he really needed. Your DH may just be worries about how his relationship with Ds will be impacted when the baby comes.

But undermining your authority is really not ok at all.

Eta: we do try to accommodate his preference for me if I am available and it's convenient. Otherwise he gets the tough luck attitude.

[hillview]

It's normal and it sucks. But oh HELLZ NO to what your DH is doing! That's so disrespectful and teaches the kid to play one parent off the other. He's teaching the child to manipulate you both.


Your DH's response needs to change, period. I think that my DH and I do our best parenting when we present a united front and DD1 realizes that she cannot play one of us off the other. We back each other up and we never undermine the other parent in front of DD1. If we have a disagreement over parenting, we get through the immediate moment, and then hash it out privately. DD1 usually cycles back and forth in her preference for one parent over the other, but she's been wanting DH a little more since DD2 was born, probably because they have been spending more time together while I'm taking care of the baby. I try to make sure that I periodically do some things solo with DD1, like going to the park, the zoo, out to lunch, etc. And when she does want mommy, I try to make sure that I'm there for her, even if it means putting the baby aside for a few minutes.
:yeahthat: seriously DH knock it off and grow up. DS doesn't "get" that DH is kidding.

[basil]

DH isn't doing it to be a jerk. He's basically a really nice guy and is a pleaser in general. That's one of the things I love about him but it seems to be sort of extreme when taken in the context of my son.

I have talked to DH about it and he basically says that he thinks it's normal to have a parent preference, since he likes his dad better than his mom (his mom is a raving biatch though so that may be why). Although he won't say it, I also think he thinks I'm too strict and we should let DS run around the store when we are both there. My issue is that DH is often not there and I can't shop chasing a 2 year old around the store. DH is also the more attentive parent, rarely giving him a moment to play alone, and thus DS has come to expect this from DH but play better by himself when DH isn't there. DH doesn't think DS needs to be able to play by himself...

I feel like I'm wrecking my kid.