DH you are NOT Doing it ALONE!

[BabbyO]

So last Wed, the sitter called and told us her son was sick with a wicked stomach virus. DH and I opted to keep the kids home. I came home with the understanding that I was helping DH watch the kids - we would both try to work about 4 hrs, but he had 2 calls he couldn't miss. Well I pretty much worked none of the day and he worked all of the day. So Thur I worked a 15 hr day to make up for Wed.

I'm SUPER busy at work right now. I don't have any personal or sick days left (I've taken all of mine, most of which were taking care of the kids). I've been written up for taking too many unplanned days - it was last year...but I feel like all of my time off is scrutinized. My boss is not very flexible with allowing me to work from home. I have 2 hrs of commute time every day (1 hr each way).

DH works from home, has a flexible work situation, told me last weekend he's mostly caught up and they will be slow the rest of the year, HAS both sick and VACATION days left this year (will be rolling vacation over).

The kids got sick this weekend and I told DH I can NOT stay home at all this week. I have a $1M+ job that has to go out the door, a bid, and another $650K job, in addition to about 4 smaller items.

So he stayed home yesterday - his boss was fine with it. Peanut got sick again this AM...and I stayed to help clean up and get Stachio ready for school. DH was all pissy with me because I can't stay home.

Then when I call to apologize for being cranky and in a rush he complains that I never get home "on time" and he's doing it all alone. Now, I'll admit I often don't get home at 5:30, BUT I also often don't get to work until between 8:15 and 8:30 because I see that he is in the weeds for getting the kids out the door - so I stay and help him. I rarely work more than 8-8.5 hrs/day and in my field it is expected that you work 9-10 hrs a day (which I used to work when we didn't have kids).

I can't believe that he thinks he's "doing it all alone." I make sure that clothes are put out for each of the kids, I prep their lunches, try to pack their bags, make breakfast food on the weekend and often get them started on breakfast. I coordinate/schedule all doc appts, call the nurse line when we need refills, coordinate any schedule changes with the sitter and the parent that picks Stachio up from school and takes him to the sitter.

On top of that he is THE GRINCH. He's never helped put up or decorate the Christmas tree. I do 99% of the shopping 100% of the wrapping, and bake all the Xmas cookies that we give to neighbors/friends as gifts.

Plus I work a full time job where I make more than him. I'm not trying to be b!tchy, but seriously, he's going to be cranky and risk putting my job in jeopardy when he has the time and I've already used all of mine...AND he's going to complain that he does it all alone. Apparently nothing I do is of any help.

Oh, and don't get me started on the 8 additional loads of laundry I did on Sunday because the boys were sick. A pleasure he has NEVER had because I always take care of cleaning up the puked on clothes, bedding and blankets.

Sorry, rant over. I just needed to get that out before I really go postal on him.


ETA: HOLY H3LL!!!! I just called to ask DH if he could throw the pukey clothes that I pretreated and threw in the wash this am before I left in the dryer and was told that he wants to be a SAH dad because he IS BETTER AT MULTI-TASKING than I am!! I seriously don't know whether to laugh, cry or divorce him right now.

I'd stop doing all the things I do and just head out the door on time every day, but I know it is my kids who would suffer, not DH.

[Indianamom2]

I'm sorry, that really stinks and isn't fair. I wish I had a magic answer for you, but maybe it's time to have a calm and rational heart to heart with him about how things need to work around there so that you can both be happy. Hang in there...

[sariana]

Oh, man, I'm sorry. That's really rough-- and so unfair to you.

:hug:

ETA: Just saw your ETA--Are we married to the same man? My DH is constantly saying he wants to switch (I'm a SAHM), but he DOESN'T EVEN LIKE KIDS. He would go insane.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

wow i am so sorry your DH is acting like an a$$. i have somewhat similar work situation in that i have a commute (only 30 min each way though) and i can't really work from home, and yes, 8 hr day is not really typical. it's hard. my DH was in same field and worked from home so was much more flexible. Luckily we had an understanding that form the get-go, he is the one to stay home for sick kids. He traveled 30% of the time so it' was only fair, as if kids were sick when he was OOT it was all on me. if he has telecons he absolutely cannot miss, i stay home for those parts and then i stay late or whatever. he can easily work duirng their naps or use the TV. it sucks, but it's called being a parent.

i would stop staying behind in the morning to help your DH out with the kids..i sometimes do that, bc yeah it's hard but really, i think he needs to learn to do it all on his own. it's tempting though, i know. i am starting to accept that DH has his way to do things and it's ok. he sometimes doesn't get kids dropped off till 9 but that is what is easier for him. i don' tthink kids really suffer from getting to school a little later, or whatever so don't see it as letting your kids down or anything. think if he does more stuff REALLY on his own he will appreciate much you do. i know when my DH is OOT for many days i really appreciate how much he does bc it's very, very obvious difference from when he is in town.

eta: just saw your update, wow what gall!! that is crazy. it's obvious he's just stressed out and lashing out at you, but that's not fair :(

eta2: i just read the part about the xmas stuff. honestly, i'd stop doing all the cookie baking and extra stuff. i think you will only stress yourself out more and become more bitter by doing all these things while he doesn't do any of it. i'd assign him to do specific tasks- e.g. the xmas shopping for his family. i too would get really overwhelmed for the holidays, both when i was SAHM and last year when i was working, bc i would do most things (holiday cards, gift buying, etc). SO this year i decided to have DH do a lot of it. i said, i bought gifts for my mom and MIL, you are in charge of the others. he wouldn't do baking cookies or anything crafty but he bought gifts for our nephews/niece, addressed holiday cards, etc. i think a lot of guys don't think to do certain things but it is better if they are asked to do a specific task. and if he balks at that, well that's too bad! i think xmas isn't seen the same for many guys. made me think of this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/15/christmas-men-in-charge_n_1152073.html#s548287&title=Family_Still_Comes

[BabbyO]

Oh, man, I'm sorry. That's really rough-- and so unfair to you.

:hug:

ETA: Just saw your ETA--Are we married to the same man? My DH is constantly saying he wants to switch (I'm a SAHM), but he DOESN'T EVEN LIKE KIDS. He would go insane.

I can't argue that my DH would make a great SAH parent...he would, but we are not in a financial situation that would allow it. Plus I'd LOVE to be a SAHM. His reasoning that he should be a SAHD because I don't multi-task well is what totally killed me. What the heck does he think I do every single day of the week if it isn't multi-tasking???

[BunnyBee]

Maybe it's time to make a big, honking list? Sorry he's being an ass.

[sariana]

I can't argue that my DH would make a great SAH parent...he would, but we are not in a financial situation that would allow it. Plus I'd LOVE to be a SAHM. His reasoning that he should be a SAHD because I don't multi-task well is what totally killed me. What the heck does he think I do every single day of the week if it isn't multi-tasking???

Yeah, sorry I kind of changed thoughts mid-stream. I'm sorry your DH is clueless. I say let him rant--just ignore him. I hear you about the kids being the ones to suffer, though. That's not fair to them or to you.

[BabbyO]

Yeah, sorry I kind of changed thoughts mid-stream. I'm sorry your DH is clueless. I say let him rant--just ignore him. I hear you about the kids being the ones to suffer, though. That's not fair to them or to you.

I get what you're saying about your situation, though, too. Both are very frustrating!

[Sweetsunshine]

Wow that is so wrong! Time to walk out the door in the morning and let him multitask away! It wouldn't take long for him to see how much you contribute. Sorry he's being such an ass.

[hellokitty]

{{{HUGS}}} He's being a jerk. FWIW, this past wk, dh and I have been getting one another's skin. It has been slow at work for him, so he's been around more at home, so naturally I expect him to help out more, but he's been whining about how he is helping me, "too much." I'm always grateful for his help, but even with his help, he contributes so much to the clutter of our house (he seems incapable of putting anything back where it belongs and brings stuff home and dumps it on our kitchen counter to be forever forgotten by him), and if I say anything, he blows his top about how if I'm not happy, then he is just going to stop helping! So, I empathize with you. IDK, if it is the time of the yr or what (and yes, my dh is also the grinch, he doesn't help with the tree or wrapping gifts either), but we've been annoyed with one another lately too! Oh and while I'm a sahm, whenever we get into this particular argument, he throws it at me that maybe I should just go back to work if I am so unhappy. Yeah, great, that will be the solution, let's complicate things even more (we do not have any childcare and no family locally) by making things 10x more logistically challenging, esp when he gets upset about having to help out. :irked:

[georgiegirl]

Ugh. I'm so sorry. It sucks when you are under appreciated and the other party things they are doing all of the work.

[BabbyO]

eta2: i just read the part about the xmas stuff. honestly, i'd stop doing all the cookie baking and extra stuff. i think you will only stress yourself out more and become more bitter by doing all these things while he doesn't do any of it. i'd assign him to do specific tasks- e.g. the xmas shopping for his family. i too would get really overwhelmed for the holidays, both when i was SAHM and last year when i was working, bc i would do most things (holiday cards, gift buying, etc). SO this year i decided to have DH do a lot of it. i said, i bought gifts for my mom and MIL, you are in charge of the others. he wouldn't do baking cookies or anything crafty but he bought gifts for our nephews/niece, addressed holiday cards, etc. i think a lot of guys don't think to do certain things but it is better if they are asked to do a specific task. and if he balks at that, well that's too bad! i think xmas isn't seen the same for many guys. made me think of this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/15/christmas-men-in-charge_n_1152073.html#s548287&title=Family_Still_Comes

So the Baking is the ONE thing that I do at Christmas for ME. I LOVE to bake and rarely get to. It adds some stress, but it is one thing that is truly joyful for me to do. And I've been able to have the boys join in on the decorating so that is time I REALLY don't want to give up.

I did get DH to do the Christmas cards this year - he took the entire week after Thanksgiving and most of Thanksgiving week off.

Last year I mentioned that we have to suggest no presents for adults on his side of the family. We've tried recommending a Max $ amount for gifts, but his parents (and sister) totally ignore it. They were spending $100's of dollars more than we can afford and that would make DH feel bad so we'd spend more and it became this vicious cycle. Well, apparently he was in agreement and took this to heart. He told his parents, sister, and cousins that we are not longer doing gifts for the adults this year. He did this without my knowing - frankly I forgot we had the conversation last Dec. 25th! Well, there were certain people in his family who really didn't take kindly to this...so he's been crabbing at me that his family doesn't like this plan. (With the clear implication that it is my fault for suggesting this).

I would give anything to have him help wrap presents...but he swears this is a task he can't do. :rolleyes:

I'm just wondering why there are only about 3 tasks DH regularly does that I can't do (Weed wacking - the trimmer is too tall for me to handle correctly, electrical work at the house - not that he does a lot, but he understands things like switching out light switches/dimmers, etc better than I do, and I'm sure there is something else I'm not thinking of), but he CAN'T wrap presents, CAN'T do laundry (seriously....I read the tags...), CAN'T set out clothes for the kids, CAN'T clean the bathtub so there isn't soap scum on the floor or sides, CAN'T change the flush valve in the toilet, CAN'T change a light bulb on the car....you get the picture...

[Simon]

I'm sorry he's being such an a$$. I understand what you mean about not feeling like you can stop helping in the AM because its the kids who suffer.I would, however, stop doing things that enable him, like the gift buying. My Dh's family never gets gifts or thank you notes from my kids because that is all Dh's deal. We also don't send Christmas cards because I get the pictures done but the project never gets any farther and I absolutely refuse to be the one who does it all. I figure that if he really cares, he'll spend a little less of his free time on FB and get it all together. The only reason it works, though, is that I really don't care if the ILs are unhappy about the situation. I'm not adding that stress into my life. I love baking, too, so I do it with my kids but just for us and I rarely give it away anymore. That's the part that became too much.

[MamaMolly]

Your kids will survive if you go on a mommy hiatus for a set period of time. I think your DH is in need of some tough love right now.

[vludmilla]

Oh, I am so sorry. I strongly encourage you to stop helping him so that he can see what you really are doing.

[egoldber]

I agree he needs tough love. But I would try to make it a positive. Many men love to problem solve. So lay it out there. DH, I need your help. How do we make this work?

When I went back to work after being a SAHM for 8 years, DH was pretty helpless when it came to the kids. I made lists for everything!

What the kids ate for breakfast
What the kids ate for lunch
What each kid needed in their backpacks on what days

Have him help lay out outfits. Let him lay out anything that is not grossly inappropriate (bathing suits in January or long johns in July) and anything else is fair game.

It was actually easier for DH if I was not there in the morning because he didn't feel watched or criticized. I had some surprises at pick up on some days :) but none of that really matters. Left to work it out, he'll figure it out.

Let him wrap. If he can't, then that's why they make gift bags.

[dogmom]

Oh, just stop doing all that stuff. Then see how he feels about SAHP. It's hard to let go, but as pp pointed out, me being around just leads to friction. He senses when I think, hmmmm that's an interesting choice. Just better to remove yourself and concentrate on getting yourself to work in a good mood. Few men in your situation (more hours, longer commute, better pay) would not think twice about breezing through asking if coffee was made and kissing the kids goodbye. Try it, if he's going to accuse you if doing it by himself let him.

[twowhat?]

Um - WOW. I'd be beyond pissed. His work is "slow", he has PTO. Your work is crazy and no PTO left. This is a freakin' no-brainer.

DH and I are in a similar situation with work. My work is CRAZY, and I'm sick. I'm just now calling it quits for the night and I don't remember the last non-weekend night that I didn't work. DH's work is slower. He has time to run errands during the day, put his feet up for breaks, etc. This week he offered to do all the drop-offs AND pick-ups and tries to force me to sit down and rest while he handles baths. He makes me coffee every morning on top of that. Your DH needs a well-placed kick. Sheeeeeeesh.

And yeah, agree to just stop helping him in the mornings. Though I don't think I'd be able to resist a snarky "See you tonight, babe. I'm leaving all this up to you since you're so much better at multi-tasking" as you head out the door. I disagree somewhat that the kids will suffer - he might do things differently and with different timing but the bottom line is that he will still need to get them fed, dressed, etc.

[StantonHyde]

ok, this is said AFTER a visit with my therapist today but…..for now--let it go. Honestly. YOu have just been through sick kids, its the holidays, its the end of the year at work, it is CUH RAZY. I have decided that no important discussions will be had with anybody in my family until after January 10 when we have all had a chance to return to quasi normal. If I address it now, I will be coming from a bad place and that does not lead to effective interactions. So I am saying my "ohms" and keeping my sights set on the new year. And I am not battling anything right now. Just can't do it. In 2-3 weeks--you bet! But just not now.

Hugs.

[TwoBees]

:hugs: I'm so sorry.