MIL, He's 41, you can stop worrying about him so much

[lalasmama]

MIL tends to be a bit of a worrier. DH pointed out once that her first allegiance, as she sees it, is to her DD and DS--who are now adults in their 40s. She worries every moment about them. Worries if they can afford how they are living, worrying about their spouses bleeding them dry, etc. She worries about the grandbabies crawling on DH and SIL "hurting" them (DH and SIL getting hurt, not the babies getting hurt). She worries if I'm keeping DH up to late. She worries if DD3 (who has special needs) is taking up too much of DH's time/money.

So, we're on the way home, and MIL calls to see if DH made it home yet. Not "did you all make it home?" but, "DHFirstName, did you make it home safely yet?" (She was on speaker.) Then she asks, THREE TIMES IN A ROW, if our nephew hurt DH. (DH/DearNephews/BIL play a "game" called "Nut Tap". They are immature guys. You can guess what this game entails, and, of course, it's never a "tap". Apparently, DN got DH on the way out of the house, when DD and I were already in the car. Obviously didn't bother DH much, because he said nothing to me about it!) DH assured MIL multiple times that he was fine. And yet, she continued to ask if he was okay, that she didn't understand why DN would do that, that she doesn't like it, that she thinks DN needs to stop doing it, etc. This is the same lady who wanted to make sure DH was okay before and after his snip, so she wanted to take him. Because, you know, his wife (ME!) has "a lot to do and think about", and MIL can drive him, so why would his wife need to take off work? Maybe because it's MY husband, and I can drive my husband to/from his medical procedures! I could go on and on, but for some reason, it just really hit me tonight. Christmas cards are addressed to him alone, and then DD and I "share" a card.

Okay, vent is over. Thankfully, there's no reason that she will need to come save the day for DH anytime soon.

Crap. I hope she doesn't hear that I was too tired for nookie tonight. What kind of wife am I?!

[hillview]

wow so that is crazy AND if MIL lived closer I'd be posting this too

[dogmom]

Too tired??! I think my libido would be cooled by the over mothering! Sounds like it sucks. Not quite the same, but it does get to me at times my MIL is still possessive of her son to the point of ignoring kids at times. My DH is aware of it, which helps. It also helps that he says, "I clearly did not marry my Mother, which was the plan." It sounds like your DH humors her, but does not agree. Go ahead and vent when need be.

[TwinFoxes]

Wow, that's just crazy. Gosh, can you imagine what it's like to have that going on in your head? Ugh. I doubt she'd ever consider therapy, but boy, she should.

[hellokitty]

Lol, I feel for you. Your mil sounds very similar to mine. My mil used to call my sil to ask her if 40-something yr old bil was BMing on a normal schedule. :confused: My sil said she couldn't believe it, how in the world would she know, why in the world does mil need to know this info and if she really needed to know it so badly, why not just go to the source???? Yeah, some ppl need to cut the cord and get a life. She has always been like this, and bil and my dh are used to it and just laugh it off. Sil and I think that mil is mental.

[edurnemk]

Vent away. MIL used to call me to tell me I had to make sure DH took his multivitamin every morning. I told her he's a grown man and I 'm his wife not his mother. She would call and ask what HE had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, ya know to make sure I was feeding him, ugh. She wanted to manage our social calendar... She's better now, we've been married 9.5 years, but still does it at times. Last week she called when both kids and I had an awful cold, and told me to just make sure DH didn't catch our cold. Uhm, yeah, thanks for worrying about me and your grandkids, MIL.

[MamaMolly]

Oh for heaven's sake. You're a better person than I am. I'd be sitting around thinking of ways to mess with her.

[wellyes]

She sounds lonely and annoying as all get out.
Your husband needs to learn the art of changing the subject!

[OKKiddo]

MIL tends to be a bit of a worrier. DH pointed out once that her first allegiance, as she sees it, is to her DD and DS--who are now adults in their 40s. She worries every moment about them. Worries if they can afford how they are living, worrying about their spouses bleeding them dry, etc. She worries about the grandbabies crawling on DH and SIL "hurting" them (DH and SIL getting hurt, not the babies getting hurt). She worries if I'm keeping DH up to late. She worries if DD3 (who has special needs) is taking up too much of DH's time/money.

So, we're on the way home, and MIL calls to see if DH made it home yet. Not "did you all make it home?" but, "DHFirstName, did you make it home safely yet?" (She was on speaker.) Then she asks, THREE TIMES IN A ROW, if our nephew hurt DH. (DH/DearNephews/BIL play a "game" called "Nut Tap". They are immature guys. You can guess what this game entails, and, of course, it's never a "tap". Apparently, DN got DH on the way out of the house, when DD and I were already in the car. Obviously didn't bother DH much, because he said nothing to me about it!) DH assured MIL multiple times that he was fine. And yet, she continued to ask if he was okay, that she didn't understand why DN would do that, that she doesn't like it, that she thinks DN needs to stop doing it, etc. This is the same lady who wanted to make sure DH was okay before and after his snip, so she wanted to take him. Because, you know, his wife (ME!) has "a lot to do and think about", and MIL can drive him, so why would his wife need to take off work? Maybe because it's MY husband, and I can drive my husband to/from his medical procedures! I could go on and on, but for some reason, it just really hit me tonight. Christmas cards are addressed to him alone, and then DD and I "share" a card.

Okay, vent is over. Thankfully, there's no reason that she will need to come save the day for DH anytime soon.

Crap. I hope she doesn't hear that I was too tired for nookie tonight. What kind of wife am I?!


Too tired??! I think my libido would be cooled by the over mothering! Sounds like it sucks. Not quite the same, but it does get to me at times my MIL is still possessive of her son to the point of ignoring kids at times. My DH is aware of it, which helps. It also helps that he says, "I clearly did not marry my Mother, which was the plan." It sounds like your DH humors her, but does not agree. Go ahead and vent when need be.


Lol, I feel for you. Your mil sounds very similar to mine. My mil used to call my sil to ask her if 40-something yr old bil was BMing on a normal schedule. :confused: My sil said she couldn't believe it, how in the world would she know, why in the world does mil need to know this info and if she really needed to know it so badly, why not just go to the source???? Yeah, some ppl need to cut the cord and get a life. She has always been like this, and bil and my dh are used to it and just laugh it off. Sil and I think that mil is mental.


Vent away. MIL used to call me to tell me I had to make sure DH took his multivitamin every morning. I told her he's a grown man and I 'm his wife not his mother. She would call and ask what HE had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, ya know to make sure I was feeding him, ugh. She wanted to manage our social calendar... She's better now, we've been married 9.5 years, but still does it at times. Last week she called when both kids and I had an awful cold, and told me to just make sure DH didn't catch our cold. Uhm, yeah, thanks for worrying about me and your grandkids, MIL.


This, all of this is my MIL. She hears that the kids are sick and she insists that *I* keep them away from DH so that HE doesn't get sick?! She has made some horrible remarks before when DH had to go to Iraq (several times) and said that she felt that if he was killed that SHE should be notified first and that at the funeral SHE should be the one to receive the flag, and not me, because SHE was his MOTHER and Mother's should come first. WTF?! Then after that comment we had some issues with peeping tom kids looking in my window to watch me in our sewing room. I called a fence company and arranged to have a privacy fence put up. MIL called and heard them working and told me she was calling a lawyer right then because until SHE heard from her son that he wanted it done then she was going to stop me with a court order. She even put her needs to see her son on his short midtour above the needs of our toddler --who was undergoing diagnosis for autism. Strangers upset him and changes in routine/schedule upset him. We didn't want DH or DS1 to go through any extra emotional upheaval on such a short timeline when he was due to be home in just 5 months. She refused to listen to DH's repeated insistence that his midtour was for US and that extended family could wait. Things just like that have damaged our relationship almost irreparably. That last one was when DH finally saw the damage that it had been doing to our marriage and family and has since emotionally distanced himself. She calls his cell phone now and not the house phone (because she doesn't want to run the risk of me answering) and DH will hit ignore until after the kids are in bed. She's not calling to talk to the grandkids--she only ever wants to talk to him. He's an only child and those are her only grandbabies, you'd think she'd shower them with as much love and affection but she doesn't. Thank goodness he didn't want to go to their place for Christmas or I WOULD have been the original poster in the BP!

[edurnemk]

This, all of this is my MIL. She hears that the kids are sick and she insists that *I* keep them away from DH so that HE doesn't get sick?! She has made some horrible remarks before when DH had to go to Iraq (several times) and said that she felt that if he was killed that SHE should be notified first and that at the funeral SHE should be the one to receive the flag, and not me, because SHE was his MOTHER and Mother's should come first. WTF?! Then after that comment we had some issues with peeping tom kids looking in my window to watch me in our sewing room. I called a fence company and arranged to have a privacy fence put up. MIL called and heard them working and told me she was calling a lawyer right then because until SHE heard from her son that he wanted it done then she was going to stop me with a court order. She even put her needs to see her son on his short midtour above the needs of our toddler --who was undergoing diagnosis for autism. Strangers upset him and changes in routine/schedule upset him. We didn't want DH or DS1 to go through any extra emotional upheaval on such a short timeline when he was due to be home in just 5 months. She refused to listen to DH's repeated insistence that his midtour was for US and that extended family could wait. Things just like that have damaged our relationship almost irreparably. That last one was when DH finally saw the damage that it had been doing to our marriage and family and has since emotionally distanced himself. She calls his cell phone now and not the house phone (because she doesn't want to run the risk of me answering) and DH will hit ignore until after the kids are in bed. She's not calling to talk to the grandkids--she only ever wants to talk to him. He's an only child and those are her only grandbabies, you'd think she'd shower them with as much love and affection but she doesn't. Thank goodness he didn't want to go to their place for Christmas or I WOULD have been the original poster in the BP!

Ok, this takes the cake. I'm so sorry you got such an awful MIL.

[OKKiddo]

Thanks for the commiseration and understanding, I didn't intend to make OP feel like she was getting one up'ed though. To OP, I'm really sorry and I hope that over time your MIL chills the heck out, that your DH is able to set firm boundaries AND enforce them, and that you eventually forge a wonderful bond with your MIL.

[lalasmama]

Thanks for the commiseration and understanding, I didn't intend to make OP feel like she was getting one up'ed though. To OP, I'm really sorry and I hope that over time your MIL chills the heck out, that your DH is able to set firm boundaries AND enforce them, and that you eventually forge a wonderful bond with your MIL.

Oh, I didn't feel one-up'ed at all! Quite the opposite, it comforted me that there are worse ones out there!

We're newly married--dated on and off for years, took a year off, got back together, and became engaged and married in less than a year of being back together, and just said "I do" this year--so MIL and I never had time to work through who the "Alpha female" was.... DH just recently crossed over the invisible line of who his allegiance lies with. For so long, it was all about his poor mom, how she was just lonely, how it was hard for her because she isn't close with her DD, how her whole life revolved around DH and SIL, etc. Then, in a conversation about BIL (SIL's hubby), DH said MIL feels like BIL is a guest in SIL's house even though they had been together for years, and he'd been living in the same home for 5 years, paying the mortgage with SIL, etc., that MIL was just so focused on her kids, that she saw anyone else as "guests" in their life. I laughed heartily, and agreed that MIL saw, very much, that BIL was a "guest" in MIL's adult child's house, and that was EXACTLY how I felt and was treated--as a guest in my own home, as an afterthought when I was with my family in my house. At that point, he tried to argue that he had misspoke, but I think the reality hit him, and he started realizing we were married, and that, as his family now, we are just as important as his MIL and her needs, and that family harmony is directly related to who he's putting first (ie, our family's needs vs MIL's needs).

The good news is that MIL won't have a lot of reasons to be coming over any time soon now that the holidays are over! Woo hoo!

[OKKiddo]

Oh, I didn't feel one-up'ed at all! Quite the opposite, it comforted me that there are worse ones out there!

We're newly married--dated on and off for years, took a year off, got back together, and became engaged and married in less than a year of being back together, and just said "I do" this year--so MIL and I never had time to work through who the "Alpha female" was.... DH just recently crossed over the invisible line of who his allegiance lies with. For so long, it was all about his poor mom, how she was just lonely, how it was hard for her because she isn't close with her DD, how her whole life revolved around DH and SIL, etc. Then, in a conversation about BIL (SIL's hubby), DH said MIL feels like BIL is a guest in SIL's house even though they had been together for years, and he'd been living in the same home for 5 years, paying the mortgage with SIL, etc., that MIL was just so focused on her kids, that she saw anyone else as "guests" in their life. I laughed heartily, and agreed that MIL saw, very much, that BIL was a "guest" in MIL's adult child's house, and that was EXACTLY how I felt and was treated--as a guest in my own home, as an afterthought when I was with my family in my house. At that point, he tried to argue that he had misspoke, but I think the reality hit him, and he started realizing we were married, and that, as his family now, we are just as important as his MIL and her needs, and that family harmony is directly related to who he's putting first (ie, our family's needs vs MIL's needs).

The good news is that MIL won't have a lot of reasons to be coming over any time soon now that the holidays are over! Woo hoo!

I wish I could say our problems were due to DH and I being newly married, then it might feel like there was hope of improvement but we've been married 12 years and she still treats me like an outsider (and has gone so far as to say that I, and my parents are not DH's or HER family and never will be). DH has been the big bringer of change by sticking up for us and decisions we've made as a family for OUR family. I think that if your DH is already awakening to the new reality and how your MIL needs to view it and adjust to it, then I think you're future with your in laws looks very bright! Good luck with all the bumps ahead!